by Webb, Peggy
Here’s my motto: The best way to get through a crisis is with buttered popcorn, a few belly laughs and lots of chocolate.
We ended up sitting in the middle of Callie’s bed, talking and laughing till two in the morning. When I was finally convinced I’d talked Callie into the notion that telling everything she knows does nothing but spoil the fun, I put on one of my plus-sized nightshirts I keep in her closet because most of our gab sessions end as spend-the-night parties. This one was pink with red lettering across the front: Red Hot Diva.
Then I settled on top of the popcorn hulls to sleep with a clear conscience.
o0o
Lovie enjoys telling that story. She thinks she saved the day, but it was actually Charlie Valentine who did that. Or maybe it was Jack.
Listen, I’m a dog in the know.
Still, although I’m closer to my human dad than anybody else - except my human mom, of course – Jack doesn’t even tell yours truly everything he knows.
But I’ve heard enough to know that he’s nobody’s slouch when it comes to courting his true love on the front porch swing. Add moonlight, a little of Jack’s harmonica and a whole lot of his charm, and you get the picture.
Whether he was tipped off by Lovie, or whether his own private radar picked up Callie’s cold feet, he stepped up his game. It would be safe to say my human dad made my human mom see stars, and not just the ones in the sky.
Chapter Five
The wedding did take place, of course, and there are more versions of that day than I have fleas. It would be easy enough for a dog of my intelligence to put the pieces together and come up with the whole picture, but it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as letting the parties involved tell you.
I like to start with setting the scene. And nobody does that better than Fayrene.
o0o
Fayrene
The day of the wedding, it was hotter than Lovie’s barbecue grill. Though I feared the heat would be too much for a few of the old folks and we might end up having to give somebody artificial perspiration, I was glad to see that Mother Nature’s big shower of the previous night had turned everything green. Every bush, tree and blade of grass was all dressed up for the wedding in the color of money.
Thank goodness I’d had the forthright to wait until the morning of the wedding to tie mylar balloons on the fence posts that surround Ruby Nell’s pasture, which is just opposite the white clapboard church where they held the nuptials. If I’d put them up the night before, the downpour would have beat the balloons into Bolivia.
The balloons were another of my contributions to Jack and Callie’s wedding. A lot of out-of-towners would be coming, and as I told Ruby Nell, “You just can’t apprehend how hard it’s going to be for them to find a little country church in what they consider the boondogs.”
Ruby Nell agreed, though she did express some concerns about scaring the cows.
As it turned out, the heart shaped balloons, all in pink with Jack’s and Callie’s names in red, looked real festive, and not a single one of Ruby Nell’s cows had gone into a swoon.
I looked right festive, too, even if I do say so myself. Though I always wear green in one shade or the other, Ruby Nell was afraid the neon green I’m so fond of would crash with the color scheme. Not wanting to irrigate the tar out of her, especially since she was going to be the second biggest star of the show after the bride, of course, I opted for a nice low-key shade of turquoise which matched up with the pink theme just fine. In addition, it tended more toward the green end than the blue, so I felt pretty certain that I wouldn’t minxing anything by going against my gut instincts.
Anyhow, I was one of the first to arrive at the church, being Ruby Nell’s best friend and all, so I found a parking spot out back. In case you’re wondering why I didn’t park up front, it’s because I drive a hearse. It was one Charlie used to use for Eternal Rest Funeral home, and when I found out he was getting a new one, I picked this one up for a song, painted it the color of money, then had Gas, Grits and Guts blazed on the side in pink. I believe in seizing every opportunity to advertise.
The only exception was Callie’s wedding. Not only did I refrain from commercialism that might seem tacky, but I didn’t want to scare out-of-towners who arrived for a wedding and saw a hearse.
One of the first things I did after I got there was take a gander inside the chapel to make sure everything was just right. Ruby Nell had wanted to go all out with a bridal archway up front festooned with pink roses and flanked by four different sets of candelabra. But Callie nearly went into wisteria over the archway, saying it was too ostentatious, and I told her all those candles would set that little bitty church on fire.
Thanks to my beige advice, the little chapel looked just perfect, with a couple of tall white baskets filled with pink roses, discreet candles in the stained glass windows and beautiful white satin bows marking the places for the wedding party. Once again, I proved myself to be the friend Ruby Nell can’t live without.
Satisfied that nothing would mar Callie’s big day, I prissed myself into the foyer so I could make sure to see everybody who came to the wedding.
o0o
I’ll have to agree that Fayrene is a staunch and true friend of the entire Valentine family. Once in a blue moon when I find the back gate to Hair.Net unlocked, I’ll mosey over to Gas, Grits and Guts where Fayrene will hand me a little snack of pickled pigs lips.
But back to the wedding… Callie was the star attraction that day, as she is every day in this dog’s life. I like to give a sneak peek behind the scenes from her point of view.
o0o
Callie
Lovie and I arrived with our hair in rollers and our arms full of dress bags and cosmetic cases and shoe boxes. I’m always the calm one in any situation which gives Lovie the luxury of falling apart. Today was just the opposite. Though she had already made many trips to the church to get the reception set up, she wasn’t showing a single frazzled nerve.
To calm myself, I started fixing Lovie’s hair. There’s nothing more soothing than doing what I do best. Lovie’s hair is red and abundant and curly. I gave her an upswept style which was going to look great.
I was putting the last pin in her hair when I got the panicked feeling that I didn’t even know the groom.
“Cal, what’s wrong?”
“Why?”
“You just went white as a sheet.”
“It’s Jack’s parents.”
“He doesn’t have parents.”
“That’s my whole point. He said they were coming from Paris and I didn’t find out till yesterday he’s an orphan.”
“You ought to be jumping up and down for joy.”
“I don’t know why.”
“You won’t ever have to have a mother-in-law.”
“Holy cow, Lovie.” I knew she was trying to be helpful. At the same time she was going for a laugh. There’s nothing my cousin enjoys more than a good laugh. “I was looking forward to meeting Jack’s mother. I thought we’d turn out to be best friends.”
“Chin up, Cal. You’ve got me.”
Now, that really did make me feel better. Lovie and I have our differences. For instance, she’s always after me to put some meat on my bones. And I’ve been known to tell her to be more selective in the men she dates. But we never get mad, and we always have each other’s best interests at heart. There’s a great comfort in that kind of friendship.
“Thank goodness for that.”
“Everything’s going to be okay, Cal.”
I believed her.
“Then help me out of this dress and into my wedding gown.”
Lovie unzipped my dress and I had stepped out of it when there was a knock on the door.
“Everybody decent?” Uncle Charlie called.
I grabbed a robe and tied the sash. “Come on in.”
Uncle Charlie’s more a father to me than an uncle. After daddy died, he took up the slack and hasn’t wavered since.
“You’re e
arly, Daddy,” Lovie said. “We have thirty minutes before you give the bride away.”
“I know, dear hearts.” When he kissed Lovie and me on the cheek, I noticed that he didn’t seem his usual unflappable self. But I laid it to nerves over the wedding. “How do you feel, Callie?”
“I’ve got a little cold feet.”
“Jack’s a good man, but you don’t’ have to go through with this if you don’t want to.”
Knowing I had Uncle Charlie’s love and support, no matter what, settled my nerves.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. Every bride has jitters, I guess.” I squeezed his hand. “With you vouching for the groom, everything’s bound to be fine. Thanks, Uncle Charlie.”
“My pleasure, dear heart.” He kissed by cheek again, then turned to Lovie. “I need to talk to you.”
“About what, Daddy?”
“We’ll discuss it outside.”
That didn’t sound good to me. “Is something wrong, Uncle Charlie?”
“Nothing for you to worry about. I’ll have Lovie back shortly. Ruby Nell should be here any minute to help you.”
About that time, Mama burst through the door. “This is the happiest day of my life.”
I was getting ready to say, “Mine, too,” when I noticed that buxom blond who had been tailing Jack and me skitter down the hall toward the sanctuary. Before I could ask, “Does anybody know her?” I spotted the beefy looking man who seemed to have nothing better to do than show up wherever Jack and I happened to be.
But he was going in the opposite direction from the blond. And in a hurry, too.
“Uncle Charlie…” I said, but my uncle was already hurrying out the door with Lovie moving along behind at a fast trot. “Now what?”
Mama was rummaging through my cosmetic case and acted like she hadn’t even heard me. She pulled out a tube of lipstick, leaned close to the full length mirror and applied it to her lips.
“I think this color looks better on me than on you, Cal. What you think?”
What I thought was, it’s my wedding and everybody’s going to be looking at the bride. That’s not what I said, of course. Mama may be a bit self-centered, but she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. And I’m certainly not the kind of person who goes around hurting people’s feelings.
“I think it does, Mama. You can have it.” She dropped the lipstick into her purse. “Do you know why Uncle Charlie snatched Lovie?”
“Whatever Charlie does, he has a good reason.”
That’s what I was afraid of. I just hoped that good reason didn’t translate into disaster for my wedding.
o0o
Callie never did know why Charlie stole Lovie from the bridal dressing room. All the parties involved – Charlie, Lovie, Fayrene and Jack - wanted to protect her from the truth so her wedding day wouldn’t be marred, and to this day everybody has kept the mystery a secret.
Of course, yours truly is privy to all the family secrets. Even if I hadn’t heard the story from various Valentine lips, I’d have found out by some judicious canine sleuthing. Don’t let this handsome face fool you. I’m a dog with a brain and enough get-up-and-go to use it. Not to mention that I’m a fine figure of a dog. I’d pit myself against a criminal any old day.
Of course, we weren’t dealing with the hardened criminal type at Callie’s wedding. Just a petty thief.
But that story is best coming from Lovie.
o0o
Lovie
I didn’t have a clue why Daddy would whisk me out of the bridal dressing room. Especially since Cal had more than her share of jitters, and I’m the one in the family she needed most. Of course, I did know that Daddy would never deprive my cousin of my support unless he had good reason.
“What’s up, Daddy?” I asked as I trotted to keep up with him. I’ve always had to trot to keep up with Daddy. He moves about like there’s a four-alarm fire. Even when he has nothing more pressing than taking his pants to the cleaner.
“You’ll see.”
I didn’t prod. It would have done no good. Daddy’s a Sphinx when he wants to be. Which is just about all the time. Nobody knows what Charlie Valentine’s thinking, not even his best daughter.
Actually, I’m his only daughter and only child, but I’d be the best regardless of how many siblings I had. I may sometimes act like I don’t have a brain, but I’ve read my share of books – and watched as much Dr. Phil as the next red-head. If you don’t’ have self-esteem, you don’t have a life. I’m paraphrasing, but Amen to that!
As I hurried with Daddy through the back rooms, most of them used for Sunday school classes, I spotted a strange woman with dark hair and a dark scowl.
“Who’s she? A friend of Jack’s?”
She was certainly no friend of the Valentines. For one thing, I cater every family party and event, and I never forget a face. I’d have known her. For another, we collect people with big personalities and bright smiles. This woman had neither.
“She knows him,” Daddy said.
I didn’t ask, How do you know? Daddy tells you what he wants you to know. Neither prodding nor cajoling will yield one iota of information he doesn’t want to give.
“Well, somebody ought to tell her this is a wedding, not a funeral.”
Daddy didn’t say anything. By now I could tell we were heading toward the reception hall. I’d spent all morning getting the food hauled in and setting everything up. I’d had help from my staff, of course, but I’m the one who always puts the finishing touches on everything.
My cousin’s wedding reception would be perfect.
Daddy pushed open the door and everything looked exactly the way I’d left it – tables draped with white linen cloths, silver and crystal sparkling, candles ready to be lit, champagne fountain ready to be turned on, the cake…
I said a word that could get me banished to Hell forever. For once, Daddy didn’t say, Now, now, dear heart.
Callie’s wedding cake was missing.
Chapter Six
How could my human mom have the perfect wedding if her cake was missing? I can see why Charlie didn’t want to tell her. Callie is always burning white candles under the full moon and searching for signs from the universe to guide her. She’d see a missing cake as a bad omen. She might even call off the wedding.
Naturally, that didn’t happen. The search for the cake took place behind the scenes and behind Callie’s back.
Meanwhile, back in the bridal dressing room, another disaster was brewing. Here’s the way Fayrene tells it.
o0o
Fayrene
When Ruby Nell came flying out of the bridal dressing room looking for me, I seized the opportunity to leave the foyer. I was cornered by Tupelo’s biggest philanderer. I don’t care how many millions he gives to charity. I was bored to death standing there listening to him brag about it.
“Excuse me. I need to borrow Fayrene for a minute.” Ruby Nell snatched me out of his grip, all the while smiling as sweet as pie, and he didn’t even take defense. He just went off looking for somebody else to talk their ears off.
As soon as we were out of anybody’s hearing, she said, “We’ve got a big problem.”
Naturally, she would turn to me. Being an entrepreneur gives me an advantage over other women, even Ruby Nell, who thinks she knows everything. When it comes to solving problems, most women are totally fertile. It takes somebody with my experience to just quietly get the job done without going into a big pubic display.
“I’m all ears,” I said. “Tell me about it, and don’t minx words.”
“Callie’s gone and lost at least six pounds, and her wedding dress won’t fit.”
“Lord help us, Ruby Nell, that’s not a big problem. All the dress needs is a little altercation. I can do that with my eyes half shut.”
“We don’t have a thread and needle.”
“Ruby Nell, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to be planning your urology. You just go back in there and tell the bride everything’s goi
ng to be all right. It won’t take me ten minutes to hop into my car and drive home for my sewing kit.”
Little did I know! I hustled out to the parking lot, trying not to sweat too much. I drove all the way to Memphis to get this turquoise silk dress. Then I had to tear the price tag off and lie to Jarvetis about the cost. And I never lie - unless it’s for a good cause. After all that, I wasn’t about to rush around in the heat and get sweat circles on my dress.
So I was making my cautious way to the parking lot, smiling and waving at everybody, trying not to let Ruby Nell’s constitution rub off on me, when lo and behold, what did I see? My vehicle was gone.
Thinking I might have parked it somewhere else and forgotten where in all the excitement – this was highly unlikely, since I have a pornographic memory – I trotted around the lot trying to spot my car. How hard could that be? I’m the only one in Mooreville who drives a green hearse.
Finally, I gave up on my car. But I wasn’t about to let Callie down, not to mention Ruby Nell.
I slipped quietly back into the church, being careful not to get caught in the clutches of that philanderer again, and found Jarvetis sitting in the sanctuary on the back pew.
“Hey, hon,” he said. “I was waiting for you. Do you want to sit closer?”
“Lord help us, Jarvetis. The cow’s in the ditch and you’ve got to help me get it out.”
“We don’t have a cow, Fayrene.”
Jarvetis takes everything liberally. I don’t know how he ever landed a free spirit like me.
“Don’t worry about the cow. Just drive home and get my sewing kit. It’s on the bottom shelf of the cabinet in the sewing room. And do hurry, hon.”
My husband and I had come in separate cars so I could leave for the church early and he could stay at the store till the last minute. We’ve got help, but we don’t both like to leave Gas, Grits and Guts as the same time. You never know what kind of problems will pop up.
After Jarvetis left, I hurried off to find Charlie and tell him about my missing hearse. I guess you’re wondering why I didn’t tell my husband. It’s because he had to have a heart castration and I don’t like to upset him with minor immersions.
