by Izzy Cullen
“Call us if you need us, we are always here, Bri. Both of us are always here.” He glanced over at my mom, who was standing off to the side of the car.
“I love you and we’ll see you in a week. I’ll have the girls call you when they get back from Hershey.” I put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. Once we got on the highway, I felt lost. The girls were engrossed in their Barbie movie and I had nobody to talk to. I usually called Lexi or Derek on the drive, but I was not ever talking to Lexi again and calling Derek was out. I’m sure those two have already talked about last night and I don’t want to talk to Derek about the whole situation in earshot of the girls. Instead, I just drove with my thoughts.
17.
David’s parents took the girls to Hershey the day after we arrived. They left early in the morning. The girls were so excited and David’s parents seemed to be excited about being alone with the girls for a few days. After I kissed the girls goodbye, I loaded my car and headed over to Derek’s. He was at work, so I let myself in and headed for the pool at his complex. I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke, Derek was standing over me.
“Hey, sun goddess, I think you’ve had enough sun for the summer.”
“I’m storing Vitamin D for the long cold Michigan winters. When did you start sounding like my mom?”
“Ouch, that was a little harsh,” he said with a smile. “Come on, I’m taking you to dinner.”
“Could we just eat in tonight? Let’s get Chinese and watch a sappy chick flick.” I felt exhausted after driving all day yesterday.
“Sounds like a plan.” Derek reached out his hand. I grabbed it and followed him into the apartment.
I jumped in the shower and threw on a pair of boxers and an old running shirt. I put my wet hair up in a bun and walked out into the living room.
“I’m so glad you dressed up for me.” I could see the smile on Derek’s face.
“Shut up, what did you order? I’m starving.” I walked over to the kitchen area pulling out two wine glasses and getting a bottle of wine out of the fridge. As I was pouring the wine, Derek slid onto a stool on the opposite side of the bar. I slid his glass over to him, returning the bottle to his fridge.
I continued to stand across from Derek. “I know you talked to Lexi, so what? Are you mad at me, her, want to fix us? There isn’t anything to fix.”
“Since you brought it up, I’ll talk about it, I didn’t want to pry.”
“Bullshit, it’s been eating at you the minute you talked to her. You wanted to call me and lecture me, but I did nothing wrong.”
“You are right, you didn’t do anything wrong, but neither did Lexi.”
“What? Are you fucking kidding me? You are serious? Please, tell me that was a fucking joke, Derek, so I can laugh.” I had both my palms flat on the counter and I was leaning in towards Derek now.
“I know she hurt you, but she was only trying to protect you. Talk to her, she can explain it better than I can.” I was shaking my head no. There was no way I was talking to her and I was getting angry with Derek for defending her betrayal. “Abbs, would you have left David if she told you what she knew?”
“I don’t know, because I wasn’t given the chance.” I didn’t know, I wasn’t lying when I said that to him. I was not sure what I would have done if I found out.
“Lexi was scared that she would tell you and then David would turn it on her. That you would believe him and you wouldn’t leave him, but she would lose you too. Abby, you need to talk to her. She’s hurting right now, just as much as you are, so talk to her.”
“Derek, I can’t.” I picked up my wine glass heading to the living room.
“Abby, you are pushing everyone away, eliminating everyone who loves you from your life. Pretty soon you will only have the girls. You cut your mom and Lexi out. Two people who love you more than you know.” He had a point. I was cutting people out of my life. “You won’t talk to either of them, you cut them out and that was that, no talking before you made your choice.”
“I’ll think about it, I will, but I can’t right now. I need this week to clear my head. Can we make a deal that we won’t talk about this anymore this week?”
“You and your deals that avoid talking,” Derek let out a sigh, “Fine, deal.”
The Chinese came and we watched Pride and Prejudice and Taken. I had to agree to Taken after I forced Derek to watch Pride and Prejudice with me. Plus, I was a mess even though I knew everything that was going to happen. It was my guilty pleasure. I loved the book. I read it at least five times and watched the movie more times then I could count. We finally went to bed around eleven. Derek kissed my forehead and said he would see me in the morning and for me to be ready. I wasn’t really sure what I needed to be ready for when I woke.
Derek woke me by jumping on the bed. I wanted to kick his ass. I was so tired, but he was so excited for whatever surprise he had. “So, Sleeping Beauty, did you have a lovely sleep?”
“I was until some d-Bag decided to wake me.” I was now pushing at him.
Derek fell down on the bed with me. He lay next to me, but didn’t touch me. He put his hands behind his head and crossed his ankles. “Well, if you don’t want to get up, then you can’t find out the surprise.”
I jumped up, straddled him, and started tickling him at his rib area. I knew he was ticklish there and hated it. Derek started kicking his legs and grabbing my hands. Derek flipped me and pinned me to the bed, holding my arms down over my head and my body with his. I looked into Derek’s eyes and I could feel he wanted something more, but I wasn’t sure. What if we did cross friend lines and I lost him? I couldn’t lose him, he was my constant. Derek slowly leaned his head down and kissed me. I returned the kiss before I knew what I was doing. I felt his tongue slip into my mouth and kiss me deeply. Before I knew what was happening, the kiss had ended. Derek released my hands and pulled away from me. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. Abbs, I’m so sorry.”
I looked at Derek and brought my arms next to me on the bed, propping myself up on my elbows. I tried to look into his eyes, but he was looking down on the bed. I decided I needed to look at him, and I needed him to look at me in the eyes. I sat up crossing my legs Indian Style and placed my hand under his chin, bringing his face up so he would look at me. “Look, I love you. I love you so much, but not the way you need me to love you. Do you know how many times I’ve wished we had more sexual chemistry so I could love you like you need? We don’t have it, but I need you in my life, Derek, and I’m sorry.”
“Abbs, I always thought if I could get you in a situation like this and if I kissed you that it would change. That I could get you to look at me the way I wanted you to, but shit, I felt like I was kissing my sister. You suck!” Well, the awkward moment was over.
“What, I suck? Nobody has ever told me that before. I need a redo, let me try this time.” I was slightly serious.
“No, it felt slightly incestuous.” I pushed him in the shoulder, but he was completely right. I started to laugh. “So, we’re good?”
“Only if you get me coffee and tell me the surprise.”
“Well, I have a pot on and once your stinky ass is showered, we can head out. We need to be there by ten.”
“Do you have to be so harsh and such a douche?” I climbed out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. “Get my coffee ready.” I tried to say it as if I was pissed, but I knew it didn’t come out that way.
When I got out of the shower, I walked into the kitchen with my hair in a towel and a towel wrapped around me. I grabbed my coffee and started drinking it and I let out a moan. Derek looked at me and spoke, “Seriously, are you trying to kill me, get some clothes on.”
“Well, you said kissing me was incestuous, so I thought this was good. Plus, I have no fucking clue what to wear.”
“Wear your workout Capris, if you brought them. If not, some type of work out clothes.” I didn’t say anything, but turned and with my coffee, I walked into the bedroo
m.
When driving to my surprise, Derek and I didn’t talk, but we jammed out to the radio. Derek was one of the few people I sang in front of without being embarrassed about how I couldn’t carry a tune. When an Awakening song came on, I tried to play it off and was about to start singing to the song, but as soon as Alex’s voiced was heard, I turned the radio off. Derek just looked at me, but didn’t say anything or try to turn it back on later.
When our road came to a small airstrip in the middle of the country, I looked over at Alex. What are we doing? I didn’t see anything but a grass runway and an old metal air hanger. When we stopped, I saw the sign. An immediate smile was on my face. I unbuckled my seatbelt and jumped out of the car. Derek was out of the car as quickly as I was. “Are you kidding me?”
“Nope, number three will be off your list by the end of the afternoon.”
Tears were in my eyes. I have always dreamed about skydiving, but David always made me feel bad about wanting to do it, actually guilty, telling me it was selfish to do with kids. I couldn’t believe Derek was doing this for me, God, how I loved him. “There is one thing.” I looked at Derek as he said that. “I’m jumping too, I have too. Technically, you’re still doing it without me.”
“Of course, it’s okay; this is amazing, thank you, thank you for everything you have done for me, Derek. I owe you so much and will never be able say it in words.”
“Well, if you can’t show me in words, I know how you can.” I punched him. “Owww, seriously you need to stop hitting me. You punch like a guy.” Derek grabbed my hand. “Come on, we have a class to attend.”
We walked into the hanger and the instructor was waiting for us. His name was Bob and he was in his mid-50’s and was very friendly. He got us into jumpsuits, filled out forms, and then sat us down and went over the safety of jumping. He talked about our jump packs and we watched a video of people on the plane, jumping and landing. We met our jump partners. The guys who would be connected to our backs during the jump. Everything seemed so unreal. I had to remind myself to focus a few times, because I was feeling overcome with emotions.
Before we got on the plane, I quickly used the bathroom. I didn’t know if my bladder would hold once I was out the door of the plane. I didn’t know how scared I would be at that moment of free fall. Once we were in the plane, I started to feel panicked. David’s words haunted me and I was feeling guilty for being selfish. I shut my eyes, trying to close out the thoughts. Derek reached over and grabbed my hand. I looked at him and his face gave me the reassurance I needed. I started to relax, well, as much as I could when preparing to jump from a plane. Before I knew what was happening, the side door to the plane opened and we were all standing. Derek looked over at me smiled and yelled, “After you, princess.” I hated when he called me that, but I smiled anyway, I was so excited.
My jump partner was behind me, nudging me to the door. I stopped moving for a second. He leaned in and asked, “Want to go out backwards, me first?” I couldn’t reply, but nodded my head yes. I wanted to do this, but I couldn’t take the initial step to jump. He turned us so his back was to the door and I was facing Derek. We were out the door before I knew what was happening. At first, my stomach felt like it left me, but then returned once we were in a steady free fall. The amount of wind that was rushing into my mouth and nose was unbelievable. I had to remind myself not to panic. At first, it felt like water rushing in when you jump into a lake or pool. Once I was used to it, I enjoyed it, because it was almost peaceful and exhilarating at the same time. When the parachute opened, it was a slower, steadier drift. The landing wasn’t bad, not as rough as I expected. I had just unfastened from my partner when Derek landed. I couldn’t help it, even though, he wasn’t unfastened yet, I ran to him and jumped on him, throwing my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I was so happy and I felt so free.
When we got back to the car, I still had a smile on my face. I had such a high, something I had never really felt before, nothing to this level. When we were in, Derek took out a piece of paper, unfolded it and handed me a red marker. “Hey, how did you get this?” It was my list and it was in my house tucked away when I left, at least, I thought it was.
“Lexi grabbed it and mailed it to me.” I shot Derek a look. “You need to talk to her, because it’s probably killing her, knowing you jumped and you aren’t telling her how great it was, but I’m not saying anything.” At that, Derek handed me a red marker. I crossed off number three on the list, right under number two, the Awakening concert. I rubbed my finger over the line through number two and closed my eyes. Derek reached over and grabbed my hand. “You should call him too, but again, I’m not talking about any of this.”
“For someone not talking about anything, you seem to be doing a lot of it.”
“Fine, lunch, and then surprise number two of the day.” I looked at Derek and wondered if anything could top skydiving. It was amazing.
We had lunch at Chipotle Mexican Grille, which was one of my favorite places to eat. After I finished my burrito bowl, I sat back content and happy. “Wow, I never saw anyone orgasm with food.”
“What?” I asked Derek.
“Watching you eat is like watching sex, almost better. I’m surprised you didn’t orgasm. I think you did with that look on your face.”
“Shut up, it’s been at least a month.” Oh, my God. Did I just tell Derek the last time I had sex?
“What, really? With who? You didn’t, Abby. No wonder you are so hung up on him.” I couldn’t even look at Derek. I blew out a breath and laid my head back. “Well, he could be your one night stand, so cross off number eight while we’re at it.” I shook my head and then put it in my hands. “Seriously, I don’t want to know anymore. That is why you need Lexi back in your life.” He then stood, grabbing our stuff and tossing it in the trash a few feet away. I still didn’t want to look at him. “Come on, we’ll be late for our next appointment and we can’t be.” Without saying anything, I lifted my head and rose to my feet, slowly following behind him. Why did I say that aloud. I hope I didn’t hurt him.
Once we were in the car, I looked at Derek. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have said that, it slipped.”
“Abbs, I figured it had happened. I saw you two looking at each other the day at the game and the club, and you had what I wished we had. Instead, I’m the brother and you’re my annoying little sister.” I slapped at his shoulder. “I figured anyway, why else would he visit Tiny Town?” Derek could never say the name of my town, but always referred to its size.
“Whatever, where’s my surprise?” Derek didn’t say anything, but looked with raised eyebrows and a smile.
About twenty minutes later, we were parked outside a tattoo place. I couldn’t believe he took me there. I had always wanted a tattoo, but was too chicken to get one. I had no clue what I even wanted, well, I did. I had always talked about a Celtic design to go with my heritage, thinking my dad wouldn’t be so pissed then. I hadn’t even realized Derek exited the car. Next thing I knew, he was opening my door and telling me to get my ass out of his car. Ladies walking by looked at him like he was a complete asshat, but he wasn’t. He was the sweetest guy, even with his crude mouth.
I walked in and Derek told the guy at the front I had an appointment with Adam. The guy shouted back, and Adam, a guy about my height with a beard and full arm sleeves came around the corner. I imagined there were more tattoos, but with his jeans and shirt, I was only allowed to see from the elbow down. I was quite devastated by that.
“Adam, this is Abby,” Derek then turned to me, “Abbs, this is Adam. He’ll be the one to permanently ink you.”
Adam reached out and we shook hands. “I hear you’re a virgin.” I looked at him, my mouth opened. “Skin, virgin skin.” They both started laughing at me. I shot Derek a look of shut the hell up. He was still slightly laughing, but not as much.
We walked into Adam’s room and he had a few Celtic pieces laid out for me to look at. They were good, really good
. I knew the signs, one was the Celtic symbol for family, the Celtic triple spiral, and the last, the Celtic Knot Mandala. I loved all three, but I went with the Celtic Knot Mandala, because it represented what I was trying to do now with my life. It beckoned a person to fall into it for a glimpse into the inner workings of their lives. It allowed one to see how the decisions that are made in our lives are not just affecting us, but also the lives of those around us. Looking closely, I saw that Adam had worked the girls’ name into the Mandala. “Now, where do you want it?” Adam looked at me, but it didn’t take long, because I knew right where I wanted to get it.
“I lifted my shirt up and before I said anything, Derek spoke, “Really Abbs, a tramp stamp? Can’t you be a little more original?” I dropped my shirt and punched him in the arm, “Really, the arm, again!”
“No jackhole, I want it here on my ribs.” I had lifted my shirt when I said it.
Adam blew out a breath. “This is your first, the ribs are sensitive. Like really, it will be painful, are you sure you want it there?”
“Yes, right here,” I said again with my right hand on the spot on my left side rib.
“Okay, let’s do this.” Adam seemed excited. I think it had to do with the fact he was de-flowering my skin.
Adam wasn’t wrong, the ribs hurt, but I was sure all tattoos did. I wanted my tattoo to be in grayscale. I was never one who was into colorful tattoos, at least on my eye candy wearing them. I liked the look of the grayscale. While Adam worked, we shot the shit and listened to Adam’s rock music. He was into Indie, unknown groups. I heard one song and the group sounded like I’d heard them before. “Who just played that song?”
“Death Match, they are becoming hot, I’m just waiting for them to sell out like the rest. Right now, they are on tour with Awakening.” That is why I had heard them. I was sitting on stage while they performed. I couldn’t help, but think back to that night, remembering when Alex approached me before he got on stage and again running into him at the bar. My mind then drifted to the sex, the hot, needy sex. I was missing him, as much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, my body was aching for him and at times it hurt. I should call him and talk. I know I didn’t give him a chance to prove himself and I pushed him away, scared he’d hurt me. The reality of it all was that I was hurting myself.
