by Izzy Cullen
“Fine, but if it doesn’t work out, promise me this is over. No more Alex talk and no more talking behind my back.” I was looking at him right in the eyes.
Swiping his hands over his heart in a cross motion, Derek said, “Promise, no more interfering with Alex.” I look at him wondering if he was done. “Abbs, have I ever broken a real promise?” We already knew that answer, so I didn’t respond.
We walked around to the side, which was away from the main entrance and there was a guy at the back door. I felt my knees growing weak and I wasn’t sure how my legs were carrying me right now. Derek talked to the guy and the guy spoke into the headset he was wearing. Then the door opened and another man in all black escorted in us. Without realizing it, I reached out and took Derek’s hand. I was nervous. I didn’t know why I just didn’t turn and run on the sidewalk. As we walked down the hallway, I wondered how seeing Alex would go, what would I say or would I be able to tell him my real feelings. When we turned a corner, we saw Sam. She was smiling and waving to us. She met us on our walk to her and she grabbed me and pulled me into a huge hug. “Abby, I’m so glad you are here. I had to work on Derek here to get him to agree to this, but he knew how miserable you are and Alex is just unbearable since his visit to see you. We needed to do this for the both of you.”
“Sam, what if this is a mistake?” I was looking at her, knowing it was a possibility that this was a huge mistake.
“It’s not, you need to see something. Something he does every show since he left you and it’s breaking my heart. Do you think you can hang in this room over here until the show starts? I don’t want Alex to see you yet. I need for you to watch the show.” I nodded my head in agreement. When we walked into the room, Sam asked Derek to excuse himself so that she could talk to me alone just for a second. I nodded to Derek that it was okay and he stepped out of the room. “Look, I understand your hesitation with all of this and honestly, seeing how broken he was when he returned, I wanted to kick your ass. I really did, but after talking to Derek, I understand why. He told me why you pulled away, and I don’t blame you. Honestly, I wish growing up I had a mother who put me first. I didn’t, I had Alex. I know Alex told you he isn’t my real brother, but Alex is the person who has taken care of me. He protected me from my foster parents who had us just for the check. When he signed at eighteen, he could have left me behind. He never went on long tours, and when he finally had enough to buy a place, he moved me in. My foster parents didn’t even notice or care, since they were still getting their money.” She paused for a second and handed me a tissue. I hadn’t even notice tears running down my face. “He put me through school and afterwards he asked me to work for him, because he wanted family around, said he needed family around. I couldn’t refuse and I didn’t want to. You need to get to know Alex before you judge him or his character. That is all I’m asking from you.” She leaned over and gave me a hug. “I’ll come grab you once they get on stage.”
When Sam left, Derek came back into the room. I was crying and felt awful about everything that had happened with Alex. I judged him and Sam was right, I hadn’t even given him a chance to show me who he was. I looked back and realized I assumed it wasn’t possible to love my kids because they weren’t his and because he is a rock star. Which he use to tell me repeatedly he wasn’t, that it was just his job.
By the time Sam came back to get us, I pulled myself together and fixed myself in the mirror. She led us to the right side of the stage area and we watched from a darker spot where we were not visible from the stage. Alex looked amazing on stage. His jeans hugged all the right places and his shirt clung to him showing off his muscles underneath. Looking at him, I wanted him. I could feel his touch and I knew if he wanted me when we talked, I was already his. I couldn’t walk away again. After the main performance, before the encore, the band left the stage and left Alex alone on the stage with his acoustic guitar and he started playing. I immediately recognized the melody it was Hey, There Delilah. This was a song that is not even close to the type the band normally sings. When Alex started singing, my mouth shot open when he didn’t say Delilah, he said Abby. I froze and I think I may have stopped breathing. I had tears filling my eyes and my throat started burning from the tears that I was trying to fight. I watched him and he sang with his eyes closed. The whole time I felt my heart hurting. I hurt for all the pain I saw I had put him through, and for the pain, I had put myself through. I wanted to run to him, but knew better than to do it in front of thousands of people. When Alex finished, he exited to the opposite side of the stage. Everything went pitch black and the crowd was going crazy. Derek grabbed me by the waist and leaned in asking me if I was okay. I laid my head on his chest and cried; something that seemed to be a common occurrence for me lately.
The whole band rejoined on the stage for their encore performance and everything again seemed normal, everything except me. When they were done, all the guys exited together and I knew I needed to get to Alex. I looked at Derek and he knew what I needed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the back to the hallway. We saw Sam coming towards us. “I’m glad you finally saw that. Come on, he’s in the back with the guys.” We followed Sam. As we walked back, there were people moving everywhere and I saw girls, lots of them. When we got to the door, Sam turned to me. “Why don’t you walk in first?” Sam opened the door and I pushed it part way open and saw Alex. A girl was on his lap, she was kissing on his neck, and his hand was moving up her skirt. I took a step back, turning and started walking away. Derek tried to grab my arm to ask me what was wrong, but I shook his arm off. He reached for the door at the same time Sam yelled my name. Tears were now streaming down my face. I felt like an idiot for coming.
As I rounded the corner, I heard my name being yelled out again. When I turned, I saw it was Alex and I saw Derek grab and throw him up against the wall. I didn’t stay to see anymore, I needed to get out of there.
19.
When I finally got out of the building, I took off, but I had no clue where I was going. I knew I needed to stay within a well-lit area with lots of people. I didn’t know where the hotel was or if I wanted to go there now. I walked for a while and found a 24-hour coffee shop open. I walked in and ordered a coffee. I sat down and pulled out my phone. There were missed calls, texts messages and voicemails from Derek, Alex and Sam. I didn’t want to read or listen to any of the messages. I dialed a number and waited. When someone picked up, it wasn’t the person I wanted to talk to. “Mom, is Dad home, I need to talk to him.”
“Abby, baby, what’s wrong?” I felt my throat tightening and I was fighting back the tears.
“I’m such an idiot. I can’t seem to do anything right and I am always letting the wrong people into my life. Why am I such an idiot?” I started to cry.
“Listen to me. You are not an idiot and you do everything right. Look at those girls. You are a great mother. One of the best moms I know. Those girls are happy and well taken care of. I’m so proud of you and the job you are doing with them.” I had never heard her say any of that. I always believed that she thought I was a shitty mom.
“No I’m not. I’m giving them skin cancer remember.” I said, hoping she’d realize how shitty I was as a mom.
“Please, you bathe them in sunscreen, so they are fine. I’m sorry, I should have said it weeks ago. Abby, you’re strong and I was jealous. I shouldn’t have been. I should have told you how proud I am of you. I am proud, but I should have acted better.” I was confused by that.
“What are you jealous of? The fact my husband ran around with everyone and it seems everyone except me knew, or the fact that the man I thought I was falling in love with clearly doesn’t feel the same way, or the fact that my girls are going to grow up and realize their mom is a complete head case. Tell me, which one of those things are you jealous of?”
“I’m jealous of your strength. I’m jealous that when everything happened with David, you were strong and you didn’t need me or want me to help. You wanted t
o do everything on your own. I’m jealous, because I know if I was in your shoes, I couldn’t have done any of it. I wouldn’t have been able to continue working, I know caring for three girls would have pushed me to my limits and I sure as hell wouldn’t have had the strength to face people after finding out my husband was running around. You are tough; you are the one lone building standing after a tornado wipes out a town.” Tears were streaming down my face. I didn’t know any of this and I was now glad that she was telling me how she felt.
“But everything you’ve said. You hated David and I always felt like I was a screw-up to you.”
“I did hate David. I hated David, because I knew you deserved better and I felt like you settled. The love you deserve is from someone who would walk through fire for you, someone who needs you to get through their day, someone who can’t function without you and tells you that so you know you mean everything to them. The same person who will fight for your love and do everything to keep it and not lose it. Abby, I’m scared you’ll settle again and I don’t want that for you or the girls.” I was speechless. Why had she never said any of this before? “I’m sorry about how I treated you or the things I said. I was hoping my harshness would make you want to strive for more and I feel like I’m the reason you settled and never left David.”
“No, that was my entire fault. Nobody can take the blame for me staying, except me. I wanted the family. I wanted what you and Dad have, and I thought that by staying I could give that to the girls. I now realize that I could have done that on my own without David.” My mom and I talked a little bit longer and I felt better, more at peace, even though my heart was hurting. I ended the phone call with my mom, because the beeping and buzzing of incoming calls and text messages was getting to be a big distraction. I told her I loved her and that I would call in the next couple of days. I told her I would get into the reason I really called then, but after the conversation tonight, I felt better and there was no reason to ruin it with my stuff.
When I ended, my phone immediately started vibrating with an incoming call from Lexi. After talking to my mom, I knew that I needed to make things okay with her, so I decided to answer. “Hey, long time no speak.”
“Not funny, are you okay, where are you? Derek called me, freaking out, hoping I talked to you. He said he couldn’t reach you and told me everything that happened tonight. Are you okay? Should I fly out? Abby, talk to me.”
“It would be easier to talk if you shut up.”
“Sorry, I’m worried though.” I knew Lexi really was worried about me and for her to call was big in showing that. Lexi was just as stubborn as I am.
“I’m fine. Well I’m not really. My heart hurts, but the good thing in all this, is my mom and I are now talking and we have come to an understanding.”
“What, did hell freeze over too?” I could hear the puzzled voice in her question. So I explain to Lexi about the conversation with my mom, stopping only to thank the waitress for the refill of my coffee.
“Wow, I’m glad that you guys are working towards a better place. Abbs, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. I was wrong, but I thought I was protecting you.” I could hear the sadness in her voice when she said that.
“You were right. I wouldn’t have left. I would have stayed anyway and knowing would have eaten at me and destroyed me. I’m sorry for treating you so bad the last few days and for shutting you out. Do you know how many times I wanted to call you? I didn’t know what to do with myself on the drive here.” I could hear her laughing. If anything, at least seeing Alex like that tonight fixed two important relationships in my life.
Lexi and I talked for a few minutes longer and I promised to call her in the morning. I also promised her that I would call Derek as soon as I got off the phone, which I did. I didn’t even remember hearing it ring on my end and Derek was on the line. “Where are you, are you okay? Why didn’t you come back to the hotel?”
“I’m getting better. I just walked and honestly, I’m not sure where I am. I’m in a coffee shop now. I’ll get a cab and have it take me to the hotel. Are you there?”
“Yeah, I came here looking for you. God, Abby, I’ve been going out of my goddamn mind here. Why the fuck didn’t you answer the phone?”
“Well, this should make you happy. I was talking to my mother and then to Lexi.” There was a long pause before Derek spoke.
“Are you fucking with me?”
“No, seriously, I’ll tell you all about it when I get there. So something good came out of this shitty night.”
“Abby, I don’t think what you think was happening with Alex. I don’t think he wanted that girl.” I didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t, because I needed to move on.
“You promised, I think I found my closure as harsh as it was, I found it, so please no more. I can’t take anymore.”
“Okay, done, so please comeback to the room.”
“On my way, as soon as I get a cab.” I hung up the phone and left a tip on the table. I asked the waitress if I needed to call a cab or if they were around. She told me that just around the corner, there was a nightclub and I could find them lined up outside. I left the shop, turned the corner and climbed into a waiting cab.
20.
When I arrived back at the J.W. Marriott, Derek was waiting for me in the lobby. He ran up and scooped me up in a hug, kissing me on the forehead. I embraced the hug, feeling the security in the hold. “What do you want to do? It’s early or late, depending on how you look at things.”
“Can we just head to the room, order a bottle of wine or two and rent a movie? “ I was emotionally exhausted and felt like crap. I was sure I looked just as shitty from all the crying that occurred after seeing Alex.
“Sounds perfect,” Derek slung his arm over my shoulder and we headed to the elevators. Once we got to our floor, Derek seemed to tense up a bit.
“What is going on? Why are you tense?”
Derek let out a sigh and I wasn’t sure what was wrong, until he said, “The other suites on this floor belong to Alex and the guys. As far as I know, Alex still doesn’t know you are staying here, but I don’t want to run into him in the hall.”
“Christ, Derek, why are we still here?” I was mad, but after my night, I had no energy left in me to fight.
“Everything around here is booked. I checked, believe me, I checked. It’s one night, so we’ll quietly sneak through and get into the room, and no one will see us.” I knew that the no one he was referring to was Alex. I nodded and laid my head on Derek’s chest as we walked down the hall. The first security guard checked our keys and allowed us through. We made it to the room without incident.
Once inside, Derek ordered wine and a few snacks. I walked to my room and threw on a pair of boxers and a tank top. I washed my face and took my hair down, only to throw it into a ponytail. I walked out to the living room area of the suite and Derek was in a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt. He looked relaxed. “So are we doing drama, action, or comedy tonight?”
“Well, I think I’ve had enough drama of my own, so let’s go with comedy.” My mind was in need of something easy and light. I didn’t want to think and I needed a good laugh.
We agreed on a movie and room service came with the wine and a few appetizers. I couldn’t eat, but Derek had no trouble polishing them off. While Derek ate, I filled him in on the conversations with my mother and Lexi. He seemed happy that I at least mended those relationships. I must have fallen asleep sometime during the movie, because I woke when Derek was placing me in my bed. I grabbed at Derek, “Please stay here tonight, I don’t want to be alone.” Derek didn’t say anything, as he stripped of his shirt and crawled in to be with me. I was back asleep in no time.
I awoke, feeling panic or dread. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and saw Alex at the door. I thought maybe I was dreaming, but with the look on his face, it was not a dream. He never had worn a face of anger in my dreams, but one of passion and need.
“Is this why you ignored all my calls,
because you came back and slept with Derek?” At the sound of Alex’s voice, Derek awoke and sat up in bed too. He looked pissed at seeing Alex in front of us. I was still so shocked that he was in the room that I couldn’t speak.
“What the fuck are you doing in here?” Derek was pissed. He threw the covers off and climbed off the bed. He reached down and pulled on his shirt.
“Don’t get dressed for me, because I’m clearly interrupting something.” I then heard the door to the suite open and Sam appeared by Alex.
“I’m so sorry, Abby. He found out from the hotel that he was paying for another room and figured out I had reserved it for you. He demanded that security let him in to talk to you.” She looked upset. Her eyes traveled back and forth from Derek to me and she looked a bit panicked.
“Get the fuck out! She doesn’t want to see you.” Derek spat at Alex. Alex balled his hands into fists and walked towards Derek.
“Stop, stop it, I can’t take this anymore.” I didn’t even know the words left my mouth. Derek and Alex stopped and looked at me. I threw the blankets off and walked over in between them. “You have no right to be here,” I said, looking at Alex. “If you think I would run back here and sleep with Derek, then you don’t know me very well and I don’t want to know you. Derek was left picking up the pieces of my life and sanity again. He’s the reason I was even here last night. I wouldn’t have come and after seeing you after the show, I wish I hadn’t. If anything, you should thank him for the second chance he offered you, the chance you blew all on your own. There is nothing else to say, so leave.” I said it so sternly and firmly, I actually surprised myself. Alex’s body deflated; he looked exhausted and beat up.
“I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have done anything with her, Abby. She sat on my lap and I reached for her to get her off. That is what you saw. I didn’t want her there. Give me a minute, please. I can’t sleep, I can’t think, please give me a minute to talk to you.”
