“No one is getting in anyone’s drawers or panties.”
“Maybe not your panties.” Hailey wiggles her eyebrows.
I groan. “Isn’t it bad enough I’ve had to hear you and Aiden going at it in your office?”
Phoebe takes Hailey’s side. “It wouldn’t bother you as much if you had a man in your panties. Say, Grayson.”
“I told you once, I told you twice, I told you a million times. Grayson and are friends. Just friends.”
“But you want more, don’t you?” Phoebe pushes.
My nose flares. Sure, I want more. But I will never get more. Never ever. Men are not to be trusted. I’ve had my heart destroyed once. It’s not an experience I’m eager to repeat. I don’t tell her any of my thoughts, though. She’d jump right in and tell me to give Grayson a chance. No way, Jose.
I open my mouth to lie. Not to brag or anything, but my lying techniques are masterful. To my relief, the phone rings. I knock down my coffee cup in my rush to answer the phone. “We Cheat, You Eat!”
Phoebe frowns, but she walks back to her office. Hailey doesn’t move except to cross her arms over her chest and study me while I talk to a saleswoman on the phone. A saleswoman I’m pretending is a potential client. I’m not sure if Hailey is buying my act, but she leaves – eventually. I’ll call it a win.
I’m relieved when Phoebe and Hailey leave an hour later. They don’t come back to the office and instead send me a message to meet them at McGraw’s tonight. By the time I lock up, Grayson still hasn’t responded to any of my messages. Does he want another unexpected visit? My nose wrinkles. I need to gather together a bunch of cleaning supplies before I drop by his place again.
I walk into the bar and shout, “Honey, I’m home!”
The uncles grunt but don’t respond. Hailey and Phoebe are standing over their table while they play cards, poker by the looks of it.
“What’s up?” I ask after I walk over.
“They’re holding a poker tournament to decide who will walk me down the aisle,” Phoebe explains. She does not look happy.
“A poker tournament?”
Hailey nods. “They’re playing for twenty-four hours straight. Whoever has the most chips at the end wins.”
“How is that going to work? Don’t you need potty breaks?” My eyes widen when an idea hits me. “Tell me you’re not wearing adult diapers!”
The ruckus in the bar dies down and heads swivel to gawk at us. The uncles lift their heads from their cards and glower at the crowd. Holy moly! I think I’d need adult diapers if they looked at me like that.
“We are not wearing diapers,” Lenny insists.
“We get a five-minute break every ninety minutes,” Sid explains.
Pops walks over and slams a round of beers on the table. “This is complete bullshit. If I’m not playing, then this entire circus is null and void.”
Barney snickers. “It’s not our fault you wouldn’t close the bar for Phoebe.”
Pops ignores his remark. “Besides, this poker tournament has nothing to do with Phoebe. How does winning a poker tournament mean you care about her and earn you the right to walk you down the aisle?”
Phoebe practically melts into his side at his words. He wraps an arm around her and pulls her close before kissing her hair. “Don’t pay any attention to these old cronies, darling. You choose who you want to choose. Even if it isn’t one of us.”
“Not one of us?” Lenny grumbles. “Who saved her from her ex?”
“I did,” Ryker declares as he joins us. He glares at Pops until he unhands Phoebe and urges her toward Ryker who immediately claims her with an arm around her shoulders and a kiss on her temple. For good measure, he scowls at the men in the room. I’m surprised he doesn’t growl mine at everyone.
Pops chuckles. “I need to get back behind the bar. Walk with me, Shorty.”
“What’s up, boss man?” I ask as I start walking behind the bar. He grasps my shoulder and guides me toward the kitchen.
“I wanted to check on you.”
“Check on me?” I point to myself. “Why?”
He crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the counter. “Don’t play innocent with me. I know Hailey and Phoebe being engaged can’t be easy for you.”
“I am not talking about my ex,” I hiss. We were engaged for like a minute. I can handle my friends being engaged, no problem. “Besides, I’m over it,” I claim.
Pops snorts. “Sure, you’re so over it, you won’t give another man a chance.”
What is this? National badger Suzie on her dating habits day? I’d prefer flowers and chocolate to be honest, and I don’t think much of flowers. Why give someone a gift that is going to die? I don’t get it.
I shrug and feign nonchalance. “Maybe the right guy hasn’t come along is all.”
“Darling, the right man is in front of your face.”
Ugh. Not this again. “I’m done here.” I stomp off half expecting Pops to come after me, but he lets me go.
I walk over to Phoebe and Hailey who are gathered around a high table near the bar with their men. There’s a full stout beer sitting on the table with my name on it. I nab it and chug half of it. Ah, I needed that.
“Hey! You took my beer,” Hailey says.
I merely point to the beer she’s holding.
“It could have been my beer,” she pouts.
I ignore her when I see Grayson walk into the bar. I wave him over.
“You made it!” I shout and raise my hand to high-five him. He stares at my hand for a moment before grunting and slapping it. “Yes!”
“I’m only here because I couldn’t stand getting another fifty texts per hour from you.”
I roll my eyes. “Please. No one can type fast enough to send fifty texts an hour on those tiny ass keyboards.”
“They can if they have tiny fingers.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “I have tiny fingers, do I? You know what these tiny fingers can do? They can beat your ass in darts is what.”
I march off toward the darts board. When I arrive, I swivel around and notice not only Grayson has followed me but Phoebe and Hailey, too. Of course, where those two go, their men are not far behind.
“What are you guys doing?” My words clearly mean no one invited you.
Hailey shrugs. “Like I’m going to miss the chance to see the train wreck that is you trying to play darts.”
I yank the darts out of the board. I’ll show her. I toe the line and throw my first dart. Bam! I miss the bullseye by a millimeter. I quickly throw my next two darts. Not as good as the first throw but not bad either.
“Are you seeing this?” Hailey asks.
“I can’t believe my eyes. Is this honestly happening?” Phoebe responds.
“It’s weird. Suzie hasn’t injured anyone, not even herself. And she threw three darts. Three!”
“It’s a miracle!”
I clap my hands in front of their faces to get their attention. “You do realize I can hear you?”
Hailey smirks. “Of course, we can. It wouldn’t be any fun to tease you if you couldn’t hear us.”
Phoebe snickers. “And it is fun.”
Grayson maneuvers himself so he’s blocking my view of them. “Let’s make this interesting, shall we?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Bring it on. Whatcha got?”
“This is not going to be good,” I hear Hailey grumble from behind me.
“You did promise me a train wreck,” Phoebe responds.
Hailey pulls her elbow down in an imitation of a train conductor. “Choo! Choo!”
Chapter 15
One beer, two beer, three beer, four. Then I hit the floor.
“Hold me close, young Tony Danza,” I sing as Grayson helps me up the sidewalk to my house. When I’m sober, I think I can’t carry a tune. When I’ve had a few beers, though, I realize I’ve got it all wrong. I can totally carry a tune.
“Hold me close, young Tony Danza.” I may be able to carry a tune when I�
��m drunk but remember the lyrics to songs? Nah. But I’m nailing the chorus.
“Those are not the words to the song,” Grayson grumps.
“Dude! They are! I heard it on Friends.” And everyone knows if it was on Friends, it’s true.
“Why is the song called Tiny Dancer if he’s singing about Tony Danza?”
“Your question is irrelevant! Stop being a stick in the mud.” I try to slap his chest, but I miss his body completely and stumble forward nearly ending up ass over teakettle on my front lawn.
“Whoa.” Grayson grabs hold of my belt and yanks me up before I face plant. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
I shiver. In bed with Grayson? Yes, please! I may be tipsy, but I know better than to say those words out loud. “I don’t need your help,” I complain instead.
This is all Grayson’s fault! Stupid man and his stupid drinking game. Sure, I said. I can slam a beer after every turn. Big mistake. Five – or was it six? – beers later and I suddenly found I couldn’t see straight. At which point, Ryker took the darts away from me, Aiden stole my car keys, and Grayson escorted me to his truck.
Phoebe and Hailey, the twin troublemakers, cheered as I was dragged out of the bar by Grayson. I need to up my game. Making Leroy pee on the corner of Phoebe’s desk is no longer sufficient. Those girls need to pay!
I search my bag for my keys as Grayson drags me by my belt up the sidewalk to my front door. “Aha!” I shout when I find them. I lift my hand in the air to celebrate and promptly hit Grayson in the chest. “Oops!”
I try to fit the key in the lock, but the lock keeps moving. I stab at it, but it darts left and right avoiding the key. Stupid floating lock.
Grayson holds out his hand. “Give me the key before you punch a hole in the glass.”
“Whatever.” I hand him the key. He lets go of my belt and I start sliding to the ground. This looks like a good place to sleep. It’s not even cold out. “Why isn’t it cold out?”
“Because your blood is currently ninety-nine percent alcohol,” Grayson mumbles as he sticks the key in the lock and opens the door.
I ignore Mr. Grumpypants. “It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” I point to the stars.
“Those aren’t stars. They’re the streetlights.”
I squint my eyes, but I distinctly see stars. “I don’t care. It’s beautiful.”
“You’re drunk,” he claims as he lifts me up from where I’m sitting on the porch leaning against my house. Huh. How did I get down there?
“Nah. I’m a little tipsy is all.”
He chuckles. “Sure, that’s why you declared yourself the queen of darts and demanded I crown you.”
I don’t remember saying anything of the sort, but it sounds like something I would say. I pat my head but there’s no crown up there. “Obviously, you failed.”
“I did offer to hit up Burger King and get you a crown, but you wanted Taco Bell.”
“Duh. Everyone knows you eat tacos after a night of drinking. I’m starting to think you’ve led a very sheltered life.”
“Which room is your bedroom?”
I look around. We’re in my upstairs hallway. “How did we get upstairs?”
“Never mind,” he grumbles. “I’ll find it.”
I bounce as he carries me down the hall. When did he pick me up? “Why are you carrying me? Let me down.”
He ignores me and opens the first door. He shakes his head at the empty room before moving on to the next door. It’s another empty room.
“It’s the last one on the right,” I tell him before he has a chance to open the next door to yet another empty room. I haven’t had the heart to decorate any of them. Not when they won’t be used for what I originally intended them for.
“Why do you have this many bedrooms if you’re planning to remain single for the rest of your long, long life?”
I sigh. “I wasn’t always planning to die an old cat lady.”
Grayson opens the door to the master bedroom and places me on the bed. I love this room. It’s obnoxiously large because when I bought this place, I thought I’d have tons of children running around. I planned the bedroom as our escape from the world. In addition to an oversized sleigh bed, walk-in closet, and attached bathroom, there’s a sitting area with two oversized armchairs in front of the bay window.
“It’s a lot of room for cats,” he says as he starts untying my boots. They fall to the ground and he stands. “Do you need any help going to the bathroom or changing?”
“I’m not a child.” And there’s no way I’m going to try to change my clothes when he’s in the room. It won’t be the first time I’ve slept in my clothes, and it definitely won’t be the last.
He takes a seat on the armchair in the sitting area and starts taking off his boots. “What are you doing?”
“I’m not leaving until you’re settled.”
How much more settled does he want me to get? “Dude, I’m going to pass out any second now.”
But he doesn’t leave like I want him to. Want? Adult Suzie snorts. I tell her to mind her own damned business.
“Tell me about this house. Why did you buy such a big one?” Grayson asks.
I blame the liquor for me opening my mouth. I never talk about this stuff. “I planned to fill the rooms with children. Tons and tons of children. Not anymore.”
“Why not? What’s stopping you?”
I shake my head. Shit. Bad idea. The world starts to spin. I clutch the edge of the bed and wait for the spinning to stop. When it finally does, I answer. “You can hardly have children without a man. Duh.”
“You don’t need a man to have kids. Women have children by themselves every day.”
I’ve thought about it – adopting or using a sperm donor. But I don’t know. It seems cruel to bring a child into this world knowing she will never have a dad. Kids need both parents. Look at Hailey. She’s still messed up about her mom leaving when she was twelve. I don’t want to screw a kid up before I even start raising her. I’m sure I’ll be doing enough screwing up as it is.
I’m not telling Grayson any of this, though. Nope. “Why? You offering to be my baby daddy?” I try to wink but the room starts to spin again.
“Munchkin, I’m not having sex with you when you’re ready to pass out.”
A vision of Grayson naked and above me thrusting into me pops into my head. My entire body heats as Little Susan cheers and starts blowing tooters in celebration. I’m surprised she doesn’t fire off some fireworks. She needs to cool it. I hide my body’s response to the sexy man sitting in my bedroom by resorting to sarcasm.
“I meant as a sperm donor. You can spank it and I’ll take it.”
He doesn’t answer for a while. “I’ll think about it.”
His quiet words wake me from the doze I was failing into. “What? Seriously?”
I must be dreaming this entire conversation. There’s no way I asked Grayson to be my sperm donor. Nope. This has to be a dream. A dream I’m going to forget all about when I wake tomorrow.
“You can go,” I mumble. “I’m going to sleep now.”
I don’t know if Grayson leaves or not, because I pass out. When I wake in the morning, I’m alone. The ruffled blanket on the armchair and the glass of water and aspirin on my nightstand are proof I didn’t dream he was in my bedroom.
Well, shit. I hope to hell I dreamed the entire conversation when I asked him to be my sperm donor. Knowing my luck, it wasn’t a dream. I tug the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I’m not adulting today.
Chapter 16
In the pursuit of hoppiness
“This is going to be epic!” I throw my hands in the air and shout, “Yee-haw!”
“I knew I should have gone with a bridal shower instead of a bachelorette party,” Hailey grouches.
Phoebe giggles. “Because Suzie wouldn’t have planned anything crazy for a bridal shower?”
“You’re right. What was I thinking?”
“I’m go
ing to say you weren’t thinking at all when you made Suzie your maid of honor and told her she could plan a bachelorette party.”
I place my hands on my hips and glower at the two Debbie Downers. “You do know I can hear you, right?”
“Yes!” they shout in unison before collapsing on the sofa in giggles.
“What are you complaining about? I didn’t make the condom crown.”
Hailey caught me researching how to make a condom crown while at work and lost her ever-loving mind. She finally calmed down when I promised on my next batch of Session IPA to not make her wear one. I considered making another novelty crown – I found this hilarious penis crown – but I was a good girl and bought a simple bling crown with the word bride on it.
“And I didn’t make you wear some stupid outfit.” Trust me. I considered it. The matching Baywatch outfits were already in my shopping basket when I discovered the t-shirts we’re currently wearing.
I gesture to Hailey’s t-shirt with the inscription Brews before I do’s. It’s freaking adorable. I already ordered a second one for Phoebe’s party.
Phoebe raises her hand. “I for one am very happy with the t-shirts.” She’s wearing one saying Bride’s Brew Crew in pink. I have the same one on except mine’s maroon.
“Okay,” Hailey gives in. “You have restrained yourself thus far. What are we doing tonight?”
We’re currently gathered at my house. Aiden and Ryker are in the kitchen eavesdropping on our conversation. I swivel around to glare at them. They don’t bother pretending to not have been listening. I point at them.
“You guys are not coming.”
Aiden puts his arms on his hips in an effort to look intimidating. Keep trying, dude. “Why? Are you doing something illegal?”
I snort. “Try your cop voice on someone else. I am not falling for it.”
Ryker crosses his arms and tries his luck at intimidation tactics. Seriously? Does he not realize I know he’s a great big teddy bear? “You guys will ruin all our fun.”
Hailey nudges me with her foot. “Just tell them what we’re doing. I’m sure they’ll calm down when they realize we’re going to the male stripper show.”
A Soldier for Suzie: A Military Romantic Comedy (Love will OUT Book 3) Page 8
