by Angela Blake
Thomas winced at the mention of her name. “I think so, too.” He exhaled sharply. “I miss her too, Jordyn. Everyday. The sound of her laugh, the way her smile just lit up her whole face. I miss the letters she’d write me, the ones that I’d read right alongside yours during the long winter nights when we were apart.”
Jordyn swallowed the lump in her throat. “I remember how much she used to love writing those. She’d beg me to stay up just a little more, so she could write to you.”
Tom collapsed into the chair in front of him and stared at her wordlessly. “Jordie, I—” His voice was thick with emotion. “I never meant for things to turn out the way they did. You need to understand that, but after we lost Gracie, I couldn’t bear to be in that house anymore. She was everywhere.”
Jordyn blinked. “I was there too, Tom. I lost her too, and I was there from the moment the doctor told me that she had cancer right until the second she drew her last breath.”
Tom closed his eyes painfully. “I know, Jordie. I don’t know how you did it.”
Jordyn blinked furiously to keep the tears at bay. “Tom, I know that you couldn’t take a lot of time off of work. I know you did your best to be there throughout the whole thing. I don’t blame you for that. I wouldn’t wish it for anyone.” She splayed her hands out in front of her. “Watching your little girl fight for her life when she wasn’t even old enough to ride a bike on her own—that is devastating. Knowing that there wasn’t anything you could do to make it better, praying that you could take their place.”
She heard Thomas draw in a sharp breath. “I wish she was still here.”
“Me too,” Jordyn whispered quietly. “But we can’t change what happened, any more than we can change where we are right now.”
Thomas leaned back in his chair. “I know, Jordie. I know I wasn’t there like I should’ve been, and I shouldn’t have left you after Gracie died. I shouldn’t have run away like that.”
Jordyn studied him carefully, before she finally spoke. “No, you’re right. You shouldn’t have, but you didn’t just run Tom, you bolted. Gracie’s body wasn’t even cold in her grave before I got served with those divorce papers.”
Thomas recoiled. “I know, when you put it like that it sounds insensitive and heartless, but you have to understand, it wasn’t about that for me, Jordie.”
“What was it about?”
“We were strangers by then, Jordie. I didn’t recognize who I was, I didn’t recognize who you were. We weren’t us anymore, we were shells of the people we used to be. Gracie unraveled us.”
Jordyn pursed her lips. “I know that, Tom. Don’t you think I know that? A loss like that, it changes people, that’s normal. It’s supposed to make them stronger if they’ve got a good basis to begin with, not tear them apart. Losing Gracie isn’t something we would’ve ever forgotten, it would’ve always been there, but I had hoped it would make us stronger.”
Tom gripped the edge of the table. “I wanted it to make us stronger too, Jordie. I just didn’t know how to look at you without seeing her, and I didn’t want us to be those people who were married, but didn’t really see each other. They exist in different spheres, they might as well be in different worlds.”
“Right, so instead of staying and working hard to get back to where we were, you decided it would be easier to just leave? You didn’t even think about consulting me?”
“It wasn’t like that, Jor. I just didn’t want to delay the inevitable, or have a conversation that I really didn’t think would help us, and would only make us hold on longer.”
Jordyn clenched her hands into fists. “So you thought you’d make my decision for me? A marriage is two people, Tom. It takes two to enter it, and two to decide when it should be over, but you didn’t even try to discuss it with me. You just thought you knew better.”
“I was away for months, Jordyn. Months. After almost a year, when it was time for my annual leave, for the first time, I didn’t want to leave. For the first time since we met, I didn’t want to come home to you because I didn’t know what to say, or what I could do to make it better.”
Jordyn stared at him from across the table, across the mountains that lay between them. “You should’ve tried, Tom. You could’ve at least tried. If not for me, at least for Gracie. She was your daughter too.”
Tom slammed his hand against the table. “Damn it, Jordyn. I know she was my daughter too—”
“Then, what?” Jordyn interrupted, trying to keep her voice at an even level, failing to keep the frustration, anger, and hurt from seeping into her tone. “What was it?”
“I felt guilty, okay?” he yelled. His eyes widened at the admission. “I felt guilty, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough because you were there for Gracie the whole time, and I couldn’t be. I couldn’t get flexible hours from work to be there because I knew we needed the money, but it wasn’t just about that. I used work as an excuse to stay away because I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t watch our vibrant little daughter turn into this shell of a person. I couldn’t watch my strong and beautiful wife turn into a broken person because of the way loss affects mothers. I just couldn’t do it.”
Jordyn sighed deeply, a tear streaking its way down. She stood up and made her way over to Tom who stared at her apprehensively. She placed her hand atop of his, and he stared at it, not sure what it meant. “You always did try to take on too much, Tom. Nobody asked you to be perfect. Nobody asked you to take on the weight of the world as your own. I know you felt like you had to, but you didn’t. I was there for you, Tom. I would’ve helped you, we could’ve helped each other. That’s all I wanted for us.”
Tom began to stroke her hand with the pad of his thumb. “I know, and I wish I had known that back then. It’s been 2 years, Jordie, and I’ve never stopped thinking about it. Never stopped missing Gracie, or wishing I hadn’t made that decision that separated you from me, and there were so many times when I almost reached out to you, but I was too ashamed. I couldn’t face you knowing that I ran.”
Jordyn covered his hand with both of hers. “Tom, I blamed you for such a long time, but the truth is, both of us just had different reactions. You shouldn’t have run away, but I should’ve taken the time to tell you that it was okay, to let you know that we were in this together. I don’t blame you anymore, Tom.”
“You—” He paused as if unable to form the words. “You don’t?”
Jordyn shook her head sadly. “I don’t, Tom. I mean, I could. God knows I did for the longest time. I—” She paused, and she couldn’t stop the passion from seeping into her voice. “I hated you, Tom. I broke things around the house that reminded me of you, of us. I hated you so much, it felt like it took everything in me to focus on that, and in the end, I thought it was better to channel that grief into hate because if I stopped long enough to think about why I hated you, the hate would turn into grief, and I just didn’t want to break down like that.”
Tom took her hand in his. “Then what happened?”
“I passed by the calendar one day, and it was her birthday. Our little Gracie would’ve been 5 years old back then if she had lived that long, and seeing that date circled, I just slid to the floor and sobbed. I cried so hard, I was sure I’d never be able to stop. It just racked through me, and I was left drained afterwards. Franny found me like that, laying on the floor, immobile. I moved in with her, and I began to let go of the hate I had in my heart.”
Jordyn saw the rise and fall of Tom’s Adam’s apple. “You are far stronger than I ever was, Jordie. I never could’ve done what you did. I don’t think I would’ve been able to forgive you.”
Jordyn shrugged. “I’m not sure if it was strength, but I felt her there, Tom. Our little girl. She was guiding me forward, encouraging me to be better, like she always used to do, and suddenly I was filled with this unbearable lightness, and this overwhelming sense of peace, and I knew I was ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“Ready to say goodbye.”
Tom stood up and faced Jordyn, so that they were face to face. “I hope I find the same peace that you did, Jordyn, because I crave it so much. I don’t know if Gracie would ever be able to forgive me for leaving you. I don’t know if you’d be able to forgive me, but I sure hope you both do.”
Jordyn gave him a small smile. “Tom, I already forgave you for thinking you weren’t strong enough to stay by my side. It’s okay.”
Hope dawned on Tom’s features, causing all of his features to change. “You have? Jordyn, I’ve wanted to hear you say that for so long, but I don’t want you to say it because you pity me or anything. I know that forgiveness has to be earned, and I have not truly earned yours.”
Jordyn gave his hand a quick squeeze. “You don’t have to earn it, Tom. I’m giving it to you anyway.”
Tom stared at their hands before he brought them up to his chest. “Jordyn, I have to be honest with you. I know you walked into this meeting not knowing who to expect, but that wasn’t the case for me.”
Jordyn stared. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, when my boss told me that he wanted to create an ad to get more people to join the military, I suggested your firm because I knew it was a good one, but I was also hoping that you would be the one to get it, so I could see you and apologize. I don’t know how to begin to make amends for what I’ve done, but I hope that you’ll let me try.”
Chapter Three
Jordyn opened and closed her mouth several times. “I don’t know what to say, Tom.”
Tom brought her hand up to his mouth, and placed a gentle kiss. “You don’t have to say anything. You don’t even have to tell me yes or no right away. Just at least tell me that you won’t make a decision just yet. Give me the chance to show you that I can be the guy that you fell in love with, and if I fail then at least I will have tried.”
Jordyn looked up into his eyes, and saw nothing but hope, sincerity, and just a tiny flicker of fear. “Tom, I want to give you a second chance. I know that people make mistakes, and that second chances can be given, and things turn out the way they were supposed to, but we’re different people now. Three years can change a person. You and I are not the same people who fell in love all those years ago, and got married. We don’t even know if we’d like each other right now. I’m sure life has softened us in some ways, but made us harder in others.”
“Then let’s find out,” Tom said, softly.
Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“Let’s get to know each other all over again, see if we can have something good once again, and if we can’t, or if either of us feels uncomfortable then we can stop, no hard feelings. If however, it works—” He trailed off before he tilted her chin up and looked deeply into her eyes. “Well, then I can promise you, on everything that I hold dear, that I will try to deserve you this time.”
He tugged on her hand until he had his arms wrapped around her, and Jordyn melted into his embrace just like she used to. She sighed as she felt her body fit seamlessly into his, and closed her eyes as she allowed his unique smell—soap, mint, and a deep woodsy smell- to envelop her, and wrap her in a cocoon of warmth and familiarity.
Jordyn grabbed a fistful of his shirt, and pulled him closer as if that would somehow erase everything that had happened, and make them forget about the world outside.
“I wish we could stay here forever,” Jordyn murmured into his shirt as she inhaled his scent, and tried to commit it to memory.
“Why don’t we?” Tom said as he kissed the top of her head. “Let’s just lock the door to the conference room, and stay inside. I’m sure there’s some food stashed away in here somewhere, and there’s a bathroom with a bathtub and everything. We could order food if we ever run out.”
“That would require unlocking the door,” Jordyn commented, very dryly.
“We can work our way around that. Maybe we can fashion a basket out of something, and throw it out of that window, and they can send us food in the basket.”
Jordyn began to smother her laughter in his shirt. “I’m beginning to feel a bit like Rapunzel.”
“Well, you always did love Disney movies.”
She pinched his arm playfully. “I don’t love them so much that I want to be one. No, thanks. I happen to like modern inventions.”
Tom snorted. “Like what?”
“Bathrooms, Netflix, waxing.”
Tom choked out a laugh. “Waxing? Surely, they shaved in olden times.”
Jordyn peered up at him. “Maybe they did, but I doubt it was as easy and hygienic as it is right now.”
Tom pretended to think. “So wait, the women who couldn’t wax were basically hairy monkeys?”
Jordyn slapped his arm. “That’s not a very nice comment, Tom. You have no idea how painful waxing really is.”
“I think I’ve got a pretty good idea based on the screams that used to come out of the bedroom when you were going at it.”
Jordyn blushed. “You don’t know the half of it.”
One corner of his mouth tugged up. “Well, I didn’t think it was screams of pleasure, that’s for sure. I should know the difference after all.”
Jordyn buried her face in his chest. “Stop it. You’re making me feel very embarrassed right now.”
Jordyn could feel his chest vibrate with laughter. “Aw, come on, Jor. You aren’t really embarrassed, are you? We were married for years. What’s there to be embarrassed about?”
“Things are different now,” Jordyn mumbled.
“Well, yeah, of course. I’m human, and I know things are different, but you know what?”
“What?”
“You’re still the same strong, stubborn, beautiful, bad ass that I fell in love with in college.”
Jordyn laughed. “You couldn’t even talk to me that first month in college, remember? We took that humanities course together?”
Tom smiled ruefully. “I remember. It’s just because you made me nervous. You were so smart, and you always seemed so mature, and so serious, I thought you could never go for a guy like me.”
Jordyn shook her head. “Tom, all I did was pay attention in class, and I wasn’t that serious, come on.”
“You come on. The first time I saw you, you were reading a book, with your headphones plugged in, wearing your sexy librarian glasses, and you were like nothing I had ever seen before, so I was terrified.”
“Glasses, books, and music terrified you?” Amusement laced Jordyn’s tone.
“Oh, ha haha. What a comedian. No, you smartass. You terrified me. All those things were signs telling the world to back off, or else.”
Jordyn titled her head up, a smile etched into her features. “Seriously? They’re not meant to convey anything other than, I’m reading, and I’m in the zone, beware, and approach at your own risk.”
Tom snorted. “Exactly. Hence, back off or else.”
“It’s not or else. That’s very melodramatic. I just might’ve been very peeved and given them a dirty look.”
Tom looked down at her and pinched her nose playfully. “Have you ever seen the look you give when you’re peeved? I wouldn’t want that look turned on me, and that’s after I’ve gotten it a few times.”
“It’s not that bad,” Jordyn said, with a smile in her voice, as she tried to keep a straight voice.
“It’s not bad at all. In fact, it can be kind of sexy.”
One eyebrow shot up. “Sexy, huh? How so?”
Tom smiled at her. “Well, you know how they say someone looks great no matter what? Even when they’re mad?”
Jordyn scrunched her face in confusion. “I’ve heard that, yeah, but I always thought that was something guys say to butter us up, so we’re not mad anymore.”
“No, definitely not, although some guys might be saying it because of that. Doesn’t make it any less true though. Anyways, you’re definitely one of those people.”
“I bet you’re just saying that to get on my good side.”
&n
bsp; Tom pretended to be offended. “You mean I left your good side?”
Jordyn rolled her eyes. “Now who’s being the smart ass?”
“Takes one to know one,” he answered.
“We should go. They’ll probably be wondering where we are,” Jordyn said regretfully, as she began pulling away.
Tom tightened his grip for a bit. “I can’t let you go just yet. I’m worried if I do, and we go back outside into the real world, our little bubble will cease to exist.”
Jordyn gave him a soft smile. “We can’t stay here forever, Tom. We have to go outside sooner or later.”
Tom pulled her closer and buried her face in his hair making her heart melt a little. “I choose later.”
Jordyn’s hand came up to stroke his hair. “I know you do, but come on.”
Tom pulled away. “Jordyn, before we walk out of here, I need to know one thing. I know I can’t expect an answer from you right now, and I don’t, but I do have one question.”
“Yes?”
“Will you have dinner with me?”
Jordyn looked startled for a second. “Dinner?”
“Yeah, you know, it’s an outing with two people, sometimes more, but in our case, just two, where you order food, and talk, and sometimes if the evening goes well, you kiss.”
Jordyn pretended to think about it. “You kiss, huh? I don’t think I know what that is.”
Tom pursed his lips to keep from laughing. “Oh, then we have to remedy that right away.”
Jordyn’s face lit up. “So, what you’re saying is you’ll be my teacher?”
“If I recall, you were the one who had all the moves, so I do believe, you’ll be the one teaching me.”
Jordyn blushed. “Oh, is that how it was? I don’t remember that.”
Tom laughed. “You seem to have forgotten an awful lot.”
“Maybe I need you to refresh my memory,” Jordyn said, coyly.
Tom cocked his head to the side. “Oh, is that so? Hmm, that could take a long time. I want to be sure that I’m giving you a proper demonstration after all.”
“Oh, yes, especially if there’s going to be a practical exam or something.”
