“What I’m trying to say…badly, is that I never saw Katie for four years, but like your Kane, I never forgot her either. Four years after we both graduated I ran into her at a wine bar in the city one Friday night after work. We were both with our respective partners at the time and although a lot of time had passed there was still this…spark that hadn’t quite gone out between us. Our other halves were totally oblivious to the signals that passed between us during our conversations that night and as the time neared for us to leave I found myself becoming more and more agitated at the thought of walking away from her again. When the time came, I was reluctant in winding up our impromptu double date, and when the bar was closing Katie slid a note into the back pocket of my pants. I’m not trying to hurt you when I say this, but I can still remember her slow, intimate gesture to this day.”
At first I thought that was exactly what he was trying to do, and I have to admit, his words were like he was giving me a taste of my own medicine. I was surprised at how jealous I felt by the way he spoke about his past love. It was like he still carried a torch for her. However, the more he disclosed the easier it was to see there was definite purpose to his story.
“For three days I held that note in my hands resisting the urge to call her, and by Tuesday evening it was burning a hole in the inside breast pocket of my jacket. Looking back, I knew from the moment I tucked it in there when I got home, that I was going to see her again. By 3:00 pm the following afternoon we were wrecking a bed in a little backstreet hotel on the Upper East Side and I was balls deep inside her.”
Pulling away from me, Elliott stood and paced in thought. He looked a little uncomfortable at sharing this part of his past. “You see, she was my one-time thing…the little piece of kryptonite that I hadn’t seen coming and I had absolutely no willpower or the want to resist her. After that day, I wanted her so badly that I completely neglected the great girl I had, to regress to my past because I believed that Katie was everything I wanted in my life. For weeks I ignored Carly, and no matter what she did, I couldn’t even pretend to give her the time of day. Eventually, she packed her bags and decided she wasn’t prepared to live with the shell of the guy I had been before Katie had walked back into my life.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?” I mused, thinking he’d tell me that I had done the same to him, but I was way off the mark.
“Because it wasn’t until after she’d gone that I came to my senses and decided that Katie was my fantasy, and the more I thought about it the less I liked myself for what I had done. I was weak and had thrown away a great relationship for the idea of something that wasn’t ever going to be my reality. Katie rang me a month later to say her and her guy were moving to California. Never once did she mention what happened that night, and the fact that she could carry on like nothing had happened made me wonder if I was the first she’d been unfaithful with.”
“So I’m Katie? I mean you think I’m just like her?”
“No, Josie. I’m saying that I hate what happened but having been in a similar position I can hardly blame either one of you for what happened.”
“Just like that? No questions?”
“None. It would drive me fucking nuts to hash it over again. You answered what I wanted to know on the phone. As long as you’ve drawn a line under it then I have to let it go because I don’t want to make the same mistake of destroying something good, and your honesty shows me how remorseful you are about letting that happen. We can only go forward from here, and like I said when I called you, the thought of losing you hurt. I realize what we have is pretty new, every new relationship has its rocky patch…this one was a doozy for sure, but I’m willing to try to put it behind us if you can.”
“Elliott if I could have a do-over—”
Without letting me finish he placed his index finger over my lips. “Shh, no more,” he whispered as he knelt down beside me by the sofa. Taking my head in his hands he leaned forward and pressed his lips into mine in a soft kiss. Leaning back, he gave me a sad smile. “It may take us a while but we’re gonna make it,” he said, with no hint of a smile. The seriousness of his expression made my heart ache and I leaned forward to kiss him softly on his closed mouth.
“Thank you, Elliott, I don’t deserve you,” I said in a small voice when I pulled back.
“Yeah, you do, Josie. Like I said before, the heart wants what it wants. What happened wasn’t planned—at least not by you. Stuff like that…the draw is so strong that we’re kinda powerless to resist it.”
Our moving conversation was really poignant and I watched his face, unable to fathom what was going on behind his eyes. He was hurt I was in no doubt about that but he had risen above that feeling to give me another chance to be happy with him.
Deep down I felt I should have said more, but anything else I said would just have prolonged our discomfort so I remained silent and waited for him to lead the way. Fortunately, my apartment doorbell rang and Elliott rose to answer it leaving me staring at his back and wondering how I deserved someone as good as him in my life.
As it seemed to be a growing theme with me and men, the food arrived and life was a little easier for the distraction. Soon afterward we were treading safer ground with our topic of conversation shifting to his work and his trip to France. He made me laugh at some of the translation mistakes he’d made and by the time the food was done I had managed to push Kane to the back of my mind and listen to Elliott’s dulcet tone with his mellow, quite refined accent for a native New Yorker.
Listening to him speak gave me the chance to study him again and I enjoyed watching his gorgeous, even facial features, the way he ran his fingers through his hair habitually, and the way he devoured the food from the Chinese cartons spread over the low table beside the sofa. Every time he licked his lips I felt mine curve in a small smile. I had a fascination for his mouth, his lips in particular, and the way his tongue smoothed over them made me want to kiss him, but there was no way I was pushing anything like that between us. I had been in the wrong and wanted to make sure if we were taking things forward it had to be at Elliott’s pace. I had no rights as far as benchmarking how that happened.
*****
By 10:00 pm Elliott was beat. He’d been traveling for almost thirteen hours from his construction base in north eastern France to New York via Paris and Dublin, and had come straight to me from the airport. When he mentioned that he was tired and had to go to bed my heart leapt to my throat at the thought of him staying the night. I wasn’t ready for any intimacy between us so soon after being with Kane and felt cheap, but was relieved when Elliott stood, grabbed his jacket off the chair, and began to shrug himself into it.
“I’ll call you, and we’ll maybe meet up on Friday. I have a couple of days work ahead in the office and a meeting at 9:00 am tomorrow. Don’t worry, Josie. We’ll be taking this slowly; neither of us are in the right frame of mind for anything more than we have at the moment. It’ll happen when it happens, so don’t stress yourself. We’ll get there,” he said, bending to give me another closed-mouthed kiss. Stepping back, he drew his fingers down over my lips and gave me a small smile.
“Get some sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow,” he confirmed, then opened the front door. Just before he stepped out into the corridor he turned and placed his palm on the door again. “You look great by the way, Jo. I never got the chance to tell you how beautiful you look tonight.” He gave me the first genuine smile I’d seen that evening. “I’ll call you,” he said again as if to reassure me, and picked up his suitcase to leave. I watched him as he walked down the corridor toward the elevator but he never looked back.
I stared down the narrow hallway for a while after he’d gone. And when I stepped back inside and closed the door quietly, I wondered what I’d done to deserve such a man. There was nothing stopping him from finding someone else, yet despite what he knew, I was still the one he wanted. Taking the food cartons from the table I threw them into the trash while my m
ind replayed all the things he’d told me. I was thankful he’d gone home because if he had pushed me for anything sexual I know I’d have rejected him. I was in no fit state to jump into bed with any man. No matter how much I wanted to make amends.
*****
Just before 6:40 am my cell vibrated on the kitchen counter and fell off it onto the floor. The sudden noise woke me and for a couple of seconds I was startled by the strange noise until my mind recognized the sound. I slid out from between my crumpled cotton sheets and squeezed around the half-open bedroom door and into my open plan sitting room.
As I’d suspected my phone had vibrated its way off the kitchen counter and was lying on the wooden floor. Luckily, it had fallen screen up and when I picked it up the last number displayed was Kane. My stomach sank as depression set in because I couldn’t face another day of turmoil between the two men tugging at my heartstrings.
Instinct told me to call him back because I assumed if I continued to ignore him, he would only find another way to reach me. He’d already shown me that by contacting Candice. The last thing I wanted was him showing up unannounced at my apartment especially since Elliott and I had decided to iron out the huge kink that had messed up our fledging relationship.
Willing myself to press his number on the screen was no simple task. Adrenaline rushed through my veins and squeezed tight at my chest. My whole body shook in anticipation of hearing his smooth, familiar voice and I hadn’t even hit the green handset icon to make the call. Plucking up my courage I swiped his number and my heart raced to the point where my breathing was shallow and much quicker than usual.
That click—when it connected, registered with me that I had to talk to him and knowing that had made me feel weak. I gripped the granite counter, my fingers blanching against the cool, smooth surface and it offered me no comfort as the call began to ring. Less than one ring later Kane answered.
“About fucking time, baby. You’ve been avoiding me. I gotta see you on Sunday. I’ve got four days off. We should talk—”
“It’s pointless, Kane. Our lives are never going to meet in the middle. You agreed. There’s nothing to talk about, Kane. Elliott’s home and we both want to try again.”
“He’s a prick, Jo. Look at what he did to you. The fucker blew you out because I was visiting you.”
“No, Kane, Elliott had a sixth sense about us and he was right.”
“So, if he had this…sixth sense or whatever you want to call it, how come he didn’t put up more of a fight and at least try to prevent what we did?”
“That’s his story to tell, Kane, not mine. Let’s just say he had his reasons.”
“That’s it? So I rock up and bang his woman and he’s cool with that?”
“Seriously, Kane. Hello? This is the woman you banged, you’re talking to her, remember?” At that moment I had never felt less valued.
“Damn, sorry, baby, I’m only trying to say that if you were mine, I’d have been on the next fucking plane, work or not.”
“And you were the one that said he’d come across all caveman.”
“Shit, this call isn’t going the way I wanted it to go,” he said, sounding full of regret. “Meet me?” he asked hopefully.
“No, Kane, I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Are you fucking insane, you know exactly why not.” I sounded irritated.
“Because you don’t trust yourself around me?”
“Yes. I mean no, jeez…what I mean is that Elliott and I are working it out, Kane.”
“And you’re prepared for us never to be in the same room again to make that happen?”
His question was met with my silence. Was that what I meant? Is that what Elliott wants from me? That isn’t what he said on the phone, but was that what it was going to take to help us both forget?
“Kane, you and I both know what happened was pointless—”
“It was? Why don’t you try being honest with yourself, Jo? It was probably the least pointless thing I’ve ever done in my life.” Kane’s voice held so much conviction. I almost choked.
“Stop. Just stop the fucking endless Ferris wheel ride you’ve put me on. I’m at my limit. You and I are made differently. Our views on life are too different now. I won’t allow you to mess with my mind. I’ve made my choice. It may be hard for you to understand, and I know you’re probably not used to being second best, but I choose Elliott.”
Chapter 13
Back off
“So that’s it? You’re just gonna settle for someone who doesn’t rock your world the way I can?”
“Will you get over yourself, Kane? Why can’t you accept that I don’t want to be with you? Don’t you want me to be happy?”
“Of course I want you to be happy, but you are denying what you feel for me. I saw how you looked at me, Jo. I think you are making a huge mistake.”
“No you were the mistake, Kane.”
“Not fucking buying that, Jo. Not for a minute. I know I’m gonna sound like a dickhead when I say this, but I’ll say it, because we’re all about honesty, right? Well I am, anyway. I’ve been with hundreds of girls. Hundreds…and none of them made me feel like you do.”
My heart skipped another beat to know I meant more than a simple lay, but the same barrier existed as before—he was a rock star and that statement said so much about what my life would be like if I were to try and go there. The thought of sharing someone with hundreds, and no doubt thousands of girls in the future wasn’t something I’d even begun to contemplate.
“So I’m this week’s magic vagina? I’m flattered by your comment, but that doesn’t turn my head in the least. I love you, Kane, I’ll always love you, but not in that way.”
“Liar. When we were in your bed you seem to have forgotten that it takes two to make that kinda chemistry. You think a guy with my experience wouldn’t notice something like that? The way I lit you up when I slid inside you still makes my dick twitch eagerly. Your whole body came to life in a way I’d never seen in any woman before…or since.” I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart. I remembered Elliott’s comment about being with someone to get back at me but it had nowhere near the same devastating impact of Kane’s disclosure.
“Did you hear that ‘or since’ statement right there? It’s been less than a week since we…” My voice tailed off because the jealousy coursing through my body stiffened every muscle and I hated him for turning my world on its head while he appeared to breeze in taking my feet from under me and going right back to living the life he had before.
“And that bothers you? Because you taking that guy back bothers me. Why did you do that? What kind of guy takes a woman back that has feelings for someone else? I’ll tell you who…a desperate one.”
“He’s not desperate, and you’re one cocky son of a bitch.”
“Not cocky, confident, there’s a difference.”
“Not from where I’m standing.”
“Alright, Jo, have it your way, I’ll bow out and back off. I can’t force you to want me. Back when we were kids you were open to taking a risk now and again, what happened? You know, you were right about one thing, we’re not kids anymore, and if my parents taught me anything it was that life is short. Think about that while you stay with your safe bet and have your mundane, soulless relationship with Elliott. You’re choosing the life you like instead of the one that sets you on fire.”
Click. The line went dead. The effect of his harsh words and the furious tone in his voice was a shock to my heart. Hate toward him built deep inside for how he’d ended the call. I was an emotional mess even when it was supposed to be what I wanted.
Lying on the sofa I bawled my eyes out for hours until all the fight I had left in me was back and I was furious with Kane Exeter. What the fuck did he know about me, anyway? Not a lot. The way my life had been since he’d cut his contact with me had been ticking along nicely until he’d showed his face again.
Both work and my personal life had been pretty even. Work hard, get promoted…eventually. Save hard, find independence, learn not to be a fool with my heart and snag a nice guy, a good looking guy with a sound background, like Elliott. Then Kane fucking Exeter had decided to come and disrupt my equilibrium, creating dissatisfaction within me where it hadn’t existed before.
A scream of frustration tore from my throat as I began to prepare myself to face a day in the office and I shoved all thoughts of Kane firmly to the side. My one night with a rock star was exactly that. An insane, never to be repeated experience. For one night only.
*****
Contracts and invoices kept my mind from my personal life all day and I was particularly thankful that I had such a demanding boss for once. There was no time to let my mind wander as he set tasks and assigned more projects to me to prepare for approval. It wasn’t until I arrived home and sat in a warm bath to soothe my aching bones that I heard from Elliott.
“Hey, how’re you doing?” he asked in a calming voice.
“I’m good…tired. My boss ran me ragged today. You?”
“Same…although, I did make some headway on the building project finally, so it was worth the effort.”
Elliott cleared his voice then asked, “How did you feel after I left yesterday?”
“Better, even though I don’t deserve it.” My comment was met with silence which felt like a knife twisting in my stomach, but what had I expected him to say?
“Can we do dinner on Sunday?” he asked, hesitantly. I was oddly disappointed because the night before he had mentioned Friday, but I let that slide as I was quietly relieved, figuring the extra couple of days was exactly what I needed to get my head straight.
Missing Beats Page 12
