“Hey, gorgeous, how is life treating you?”
“Good thanks.” I heard myself lie cheerfully. So much for honesty.
“Sorry I haven’t been in contact, life on the road is insane.”
“I can imagine,” I replied, as thoughts and images of those groupies sprang to mind. Jealousy raged in me but I swallowed it down and forced myself to accept he still had to live his life his way. I’d chosen mine.
“I’ve thought about you all the time, though,” he added. I wasn’t convinced. It had been three weeks since he’d called.
“So what have you been up to?”
“Oh, just this and that, nothing exciting. Same as last time I saw you,” I lied again. “You?”
“Well, we’ve played in some pretty exciting places; Boston, Washington State, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and we’re headed to San Diego right now. It’s been incredible, the people we’ve met, and parties we’ve had have been amazing.”
I felt sick. The lives we led were complete opposites.
“Can you fly down for the weekend? I’d love to see you again.”
“To San Diego? No,” I answered, feeling frantic about coming to terms with my news. I decided right there and then not to talk about being pregnant with him, figuring that in time his contact would fizzle out and we’d go back to occasionally writing an email or talking on the phone. His band was becoming too big to play too many concerts near home so the chances of seeing him would reduce over time anyway.
“I thought we were going to do more to keep in touch.”
“We will, but I can’t just hop on a plane and head across country, Kane. I have a job and a life here.”
“You have the weekends off, there’s nothing stopping you,” he said with a small chuckle.
Because I’m pregnant and my life is upside down. “I already have plans for the weekend with Candice and I’m not dropping her to fly somewhere on your say-so.”
Eventually Kane accepted that he wasn’t going to get his way and moved past his invitation. We chatted for another hour about the band, his life on the road and more stories about the places he’d been.
*****
The tone of that conversation was how each and every call we had went between us. He kept in touch monthly at first and as if he had a sixth sense his calls always came right after my prenatal check-up appointments. After speaking to my parents I gave up my apartment when I was four months pregnant. It was hard moving back in with them and Jacob, and even though my parents weren’t thrilled about it, they were extremely supportive. I knew that Elliott passing away had made them more sympathetic to my circumstances than they would have been otherwise.
By that time, Kane and I had formed a less angsty relationship, and caught up via Skype calls and by phone occasionally, but due to time differences we mainly corresponded by email. Kane would send selfie pictures in the places he visited, and usually kept me up to date with his band news. It surprised me how much I wanted to know about Hedon1sm and what he was doing and I replied with questions almost immediately to him.
I looked forward to hearing from him and couldn’t help but compare my small existence to Kane’s life, which sounded big, filled with excitement, thoughts, and opinions. The content was just as detailed as the letters I remembered from when we were kids. Only the subject matter was undoubtedly more adult in nature.
I missed him, but I was living with my decision because I had bigger things to think about and as I prepared for my twenty-week ultrasound I saw yet another article that linked Kane’s name with another female celebrity from the music scene. While I was reading I saw that she liked the same things as he liked. It had made me ache inside. She was different from the model types and movie starlets he’d been linked to before.
I wasn’t sure if it was coincidence or because I felt disappointed, but she seemed to be in most of his public photographs and as his band had been growing in popularity every day they seemed to be everywhere. It was hard to ignore what he was doing. Hedon1sm wasn’t the only thing growing, with each passing month my belly stretched and my life became all about my baby growing inside me.
Stepping into the sonogram room, I slipped on the gown and lay on the couch while the sonographer squirted a transparent blue-tinted gel on my baby bump. She smiled and turned to her machine explaining she’d be taking some measurements and collecting information for my medical records. She would then explain what she saw, tell me the sex of the baby if she could see it clearly and take a picture for me to keep. Even though I’d insisted on going alone, I was excited about seeing him or her on the screen.
Her gentle smile turned serious as she began to draw diagonal dotted arrows with small x’s and clicked to record the various parts of my baby’s bone structure and abdominal circumference. She had only taken two measurements before she replaced the conductor wand back in its holder on the machine. “I just need a minute, be right back.”
No matter how nonchalant she looked, I knew instantly there was a problem. Adrenaline fueled my body and my heart rate spiked through the roof. I stared at the image of my baby, frozen on the screen and felt panic roll from the pit of my stomach to my mouth. A wave of fear ran over me and squeezed at my heart. Just as I was about to climb off the couch to demand an answer a tall blond man, in half spectacles, entered the room followed once again by the sonographer.
“Josephine, this is Professor Gevers, the consultant on call. He’s just going to check the sonogram for me. Your baby’s heartbeat seems a little irregular and sometimes a bit fast, so I just want to get him to check it out to reassure both you and myself that I’m not missing anything. Everything appears to be fine with your baby so far, but it’s better that the professor checks it out before you go home.
She fell silent while I stared at the side-on profile of the distinguished looking doctor as his eyes narrowed. Studying the screen, while my baby’s heartbeat became audible again, I watched him concentrate his skill on the chambers of my baby’s heart with my own heart lodged in my throat. I held my breath as fear brought pins and needles to parts of my body. After what seemed like an age I became light-headed and thought I was going to pass out. He turned to me with a pained look on his face and I gasped at his expression as he handed the conductor wand back to the sonographer.
“Josephine…may I call you that?” I nodded, too afraid to speak. He can call me anything he wants as long as he tells me my baby is okay. “Josephine, I’d like to use a more detailed ultrasound called a fetal echocardiography and have a second opinion. There are concerns about the baby’s heartbeat at present and Lindsey was very diligent in picking up on the subtle changes in heartbeat rhythm and rate. It may also be necessary to run some other tests to exclude any other abnormalities.
Swallowing hard I fought back my tears and nodded, the doctor’s face was stoic while his assistant’s softened in sympathy when her eyes met mine. I tried to be strong, but wished at that moment that I’d brought someone with me. I knew the likelihood was that there was something wrong with my baby.
Three hours later the doctors were pretty sure my baby had a congenital heart defect called Transposition of the Great Vessels or TGV as the doctors kept referring to it as. The following few hours that day was the start of the most harrowing emotional journey I could ever have imagined. It was one I would never have wished upon anyone else—not even my worst enemy.
Bombarded with information, the doctors had gone through every possible scenario about the likely outcomes, syndromes and afflictions my baby could possibly have wrong with her. During the counseling session that followed I had been offered the opportunity to terminate my baby before the rest of the results were concluded.
Somehow I’d made my way to the subway and was heading in the direction of home. Dazed and frightened, with my eyes raw from crying, I was so scared for my baby’s life. Initially, I blamed myself and all the alcohol I’d consumed at the time when in all likelihood she was only
forming. Professor Miriam said that it was more likely that there was a history of this in my or my partner’s family. Shame stung again when I thought that I was carrying a sick baby and I knew nothing of Elliott’s family. In my heart I didn’t believe that Kane was the father, but I did know that he was an only child and no one in his family had ever been sick like that as far as I knew. Suddenly I didn’t want to go home, I couldn’t go home…not in the state I was in.
Staring down at the leaflet that was supposed to make me feel better and inform me to make a massive life changing decision like that, I pulled out my cell, and as soon as I got to street level I rang the one person I thought would listen without judgment. “Candice, I need to come over.”
*****
“So is it hereditary…this condition? I mean you’re okay? Is there any heart illness in your family? Oh God, sorry, this is awful, me firing questions at you, but I’m trying to get a handle on what you told me so that I can offer you advice.” Candice’s eyes were narrow, her brow worried for me.
“Something about the baby’s arteries and veins being the wrong way around, so instead of taking the deoxygenated blood to her lungs and returning oxygenated blood to her heart it just puts out the same because it’s not wired up right.”
“Show me the leaflet again.” Taking it from me, she twisted her lips as she read over the horrible condition my baby would have to deal with. We’d all have to deal with, when she was born. I sat passively watching her while my heart squeezed tightly in my chest.
“Okay it says that some babies are diagnosed in the womb but most when they are born. Babies with your baby’s condition have the main vessels in the heart the wrong way around. So oxygen poor blood gets pumped around the body instead of oxygen rich blood. I’ve heard the term ‘blue babies’ before; that must be what they mean. Like their lips are blue and stuff.” I knew that Candice was trying to help but her explanation was making me more apprehensive than when I had first found out, or maybe the information had sunk in more when she mentioned it.
“This says they are okay in the womb and grow normally because the oxygen supply comes from you through the placenta. After they are born they are given artificial hormones to keep the valve open that normally closes and switches to breathing air like us.” Tears spiked in her eyes and she swallowed audibly. The way she looked at me was worse than how the sonographer had. A heavy weight crushed my chest. “The baby will need a major operation by the time it’s three weeks old, Josie.” Even Candice whispered the fate of my baby in horror and I burst into tears again.
Candice sat hugging me for the longest time, rocking me back and forth and rubbing my back. It didn’t soothe me at all and I doubted nothing ever would again. Eventually she held me away from her and looked directly into my eyes. “Right you need time to think about this, Josie. I’m not going to pressure you one way or another. This is your baby. That means all the decisions fall on your shoulders, but I think you need time to mull it all over. Read and get advice then decide what you feel is right for you, Josie. Now, I need you to pull yourself together and call your mom, tell her I invited you for dinner. She’s going to ask how things went today, hon, that’s up to you what you tell her.”
I felt like I was in another dream-like state and went through the motions of calling my parents and being cheerful, telling them I had a picture to show them when I went home the following day. I did have a picture at least so it wasn’t all lies.
Chapter 20
Imperfections
True to her word, Candice didn’t press me one way or another, but I already knew what I was going to do. If my daughter was inside me fighting for her life, then I was going to stick with her every step of the way. I was scared about how I was going to achieve that with the strong family I had, where sickness was seen as weakness. I wasn’t sure, but I figured I could keep my news to myself until that no longer mattered. When I told Candice she called me brave. I wasn’t that sure that brave was the right word for doing nothing and letting nature take its course.
The tests came back one by one with no further defects. I preferred them to be known as imperfections, we all had those and that was the word I’d chosen to give what they were testing for. I drew strength from every negative result they gave me and at the time, I continued going through the motions of normal life in a daze.
My baby continued to do well inside me. She grew in keeping with the age of the pregnancy and I had kind of detached myself from thinking about how sick she was during the day. It was the only way I could keep up the pretense that everything was fine. It was during the long nights that I fell apart. The weeks turned into months and gradually I had become conditioned to face the future I was given. I had learned to live with the fear inside me as if I were living in a dream.
I did everything I could think of to try to be healthy, resting whenever possible, and doing the bare minimum at work. The doctors kept a close watch on me, and I had a birthing plan that was organized with military precision. I already knew the date she’d arrive if I got that far, because they would deliver my baby by C-section two weeks before the due date and take her to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to offer the life-saving care she would need. The only way I can describe what was happening mentally was that I had detached from the horror of my baby’s condition because it was the only way I could cope.
Being home wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be. Jacob and I became closer again, but not close enough that I wanted to share my news. Maybe it was that I didn’t want to admit that my baby was flawed and ruin the excitement they had about the new addition to the family. Or maybe it was that with every passing day I felt closer to the possibility of facing the prospect of seeing her for the first and perhaps the last time. Denial kept me going, that and positive thoughts. Jacob was a great distraction and often caught me up in his enthusiasm about the impending birth, he had even decorated Matt’s old bedroom as a nursery. That weekend he took me to pick out a crib, all the things I’d have done with my partner had I had one. Doing that just about killed me because I didn’t know whether my baby would live long enough or be healthy enough if they operated on time, to come home and sleep in it.
*****
The pregnancy seemed to go fast, perhaps because I wasn’t prepared for what was to come. My belly grew huge and with only a day until Thanksgiving I dreaded the scrutiny of my family who had nothing better to do for the holiday than focus their attention on me and my unborn child. Living the life of an expectant father vicariously through me, Jacob took me on regular shopping sprees to ensure his niece had the best of the best from the moment she was born.
It was during one of those trips with Jacob, to buy more items for his niece, that Kane called me. When I saw who was calling I ignored it. Until that point Kane’s communication with me had been my private business, but when he rang for the third time, Jacob became suspicious because I wouldn’t answer it.
“Who don’t you want to speak to?” Jacob questioned, his brow bunching worriedly as he gave me an intense look.
Had he been anyone else, I’d have lied, but Jacob was my twin. He’d always been able to call bullshit on anything I said that was untrue. “Kane.”
“Kane who?”
“Kane Exeter.”
“Holy, fuck. Is he still in touch? I thought we’d heard the last of him after that restaurant stuff. Answer it. What does he want?”
“I don’t know. He calls or emails about once a month,” I told him, leaving out the part where I had actually slept with him. Kane had been a little more sporadic in his contact than I’d confessed to, but regular enough for it to even out to about once a month. I had never told him I was pregnant, what had happened to Elliott or even that I’d moved back to my parents. Nothing seemed to matter except living in the moment with each phone call. I never lied to him, just didn’t expand on the truth. He had asked on every occasion whether I had someone new and I had answered honestly that I didn’t. And ever
y time I said that he said, “Well, you know where to find me when you come to your senses.”
The story that Kane’s team quashed in the papers seemed to be long forgotten by my brother, and thankfully my cell stopped ringing. Distracting Jacob, I caught the store assistant’s attention and became very interested in the selection of diapers she had directed me to. I thought I’d got off the hook but as we stacked the trunk with all our purchases, I slid into the passenger seat and my cell rang loudly again in the confined space. Jacob looked at me through narrowed eyes as I rummaged in my bag and pulled it out. It was Kane again, but I couldn’t ignore it once Jacob knew who it was.
“Hey,” I said, my heart beating out of my chest as my belly flipped over.
“Hi, Jo, where has my girl been? I’ve been trying to call you.” Warm feelings washed through me at the sound of his soothing low tone.
“I’m out shopping with Jacob,” I answered honestly as my hand shook holding my cell to my ear. I was acutely conscious that Jacob was watching me.
“So, you’ll be back soon? I’m in town for four whole days as the band have a break for Thanksgiving weekend, but I got to your apartment and a strange Dude answered the door. He told me you’d moved, but he wouldn’t tell me where.”
My cell fell from my hand and I caught it, glanced at Jacob and swallowed roughly. I’d been stupid to think I could keep my condition hidden from him forever. “I don’t know that it’s a good idea, Kane, I’m staying at my parents’ place.”
“Damn, I knew things were tight, but you were so proud, I didn’t want to push the money side of things. I’d be happy to help you move back to a place of your own.” I was stunned by his suggestion. It wasn’t as if I’d accept a gesture that grand from one of my family let alone a guy I once knew as a kid.
“No. It’s fine. I’m happy to be back there with Jacob and my parents around me.”
“Can I come over? Don’t worry I’m not inviting myself for dinner or anything. I’ll just book into The Drake Hotel, it’s only about half a mile from your parents’ place, right? I’ve hired a car so I could pick you up, we could go there and catch up.”
Missing Beats Page 17
