Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  I knew I was sunk. Apart from being pregnant and not mentioning it, I was hideously fat and frumpy, ugly as sin with my big belly and my tent dresses, and he had been all over the press with leggy models and film starlets. Chiding myself, I wondered why I was bothered about any of that. It wasn’t as if we were a couple or anything.

  “No. You can come to my parents’ house. Do you have the address?”

  “Yeah, it’s in my address book on my phone. I sent you a birthday card there once, remember?”

  Of course he did, how could I ever forget when it’s the first thing that catches my eye every time I open my memory box.

  “Okay,” I said reluctantly. “I’ll see you there.” I could have cried.

  “I can’t wait to see you again, baby,” he gushed excitedly.

  My heart stuttered in my chest because I knew he was in for a shock and was about to find out how close he was with that baby comment.

  “So he’s coming over tonight?” Jacob asked, trying to extract the details from the one-sided conversation he heard.

  “Yeah.” My tone came out flat—depressed.

  “You don’t sound too happy about it. This is the same Kane you moped over for years as a kid, Josie. What are you worried about? Do you think because he’s a famous rock star he’s changed?”

  “Maybe.”

  Jacob looked at me and smiled. “Listen, you look amazing. He’s going to freak when he sees how beautiful you are. You’re the only pregnant woman I’ve ever seen that hasn’t put an ounce of weight on anywhere but your belly.”

  “Thank you, but you’re my brother, Jacob. It isn’t your job to tell me I’m not fat.”

  “I’d be the first to tell you if you were, you’re my twin, remember? People judge me by your standards.” Winking, he smirked and turned to poke my belly gently. Jacob never noticed how quiet I was after that, chatting easily about how things were when we were kids, but he said something that sent a shock straight to my heart. “Dad once said to Mom that he wouldn’t be surprised if you and Kane ended up together.”

  “He said that?” I asked, probably a little too quickly.

  “Yep, the day we were leaving after Kane’s dad’s funeral. You were hugging Kane and Mom said something like, ‘Aw, I hate seeing those two like this.’ Dad looked to Mom and said something like, ‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t be surprised if they find their way back and end up growing old together.’

  Tears welled in my eyes as I sat staring out the window. My throat instantly clogged with emotion and an array of feelings inside that covered everything I felt was unfair in life. We reached my parents’ driveway before I had recovered my composure. There was a strange car already parked there.

  “Wow, he must have got here before us.” Jacob nodded at the car as he switched off the engine. Turning to look at me, he saw my distress when the porch light shone into the car. I tried to drop my gaze to my lap to hide my tears, but not quick enough for my brother. “Damn. Don’t do that. Why are you crying?” Taking his sleeve, he wiped the tears on my cheek nearest to him, while I swiped at the other one with my fingertips.

  Overwhelmed by my situation, I sat silently as my throat constricted again, and the best I could do was shrug because I had no words for how sad I felt about my sick baby growing up with no father. Hearing his voice again during that journey home, I finally accepted that I had felt more for Kane the last time I saw him than purely a platonic friendship. I had previously passed those feelings off as infatuation, but months of getting to know each other had taught me differently. If only things were different.

  Jacob sat quietly and waited while I gathered my strength. I reached out and squeezed his hand letting him know I was ready. He clasped his strong fingers tightly around mine, and smiled affectionately. “That’s my girl, ready?” I nodded and he pulled the handle, opened the door and ran around the hood to help me out my side of his low ride.

  Everything felt hopeless but I had gotten used to hiding my true feelings so as soon as we stepped out of the car I dug deep and put on a brave face. Having hormones running riot whilst being pregnant wasn’t helpful.

  As we entered the house I heard Kane before I saw him, the low timbre of his melodic voice carrying down the hallway from the sitting room and my heart flipped over in my chest. Formal greetings and soft laughter told me he had only arrived moments before us. When we reached the doorway, Jacob was in front of me allowing me to observe Kane’s eyes searching past him. The moment his eyes met mine his smile became wider and his eyes softened in appreciation.

  Getting out of his seat he began to make his way over to us and I saw his shocked reaction as his jaw dropped open the second he saw I was heavily pregnant. Wide eyes were replaced with confusion as it flitted through his expression. By the time he started to speak his expression was blank and unreadable.

  “Damn, Jo, look at you.” I didn’t have to look. I felt the weight of my condition and situation with every second that passed.

  “You look radiant,” he managed to say in a soft voice, while his eyes raked over my ample breasts and down over my swollen bump. I was conscious all eyes were on me just like the last time I was in a compromising position around him, but this time, I was the center of attention, not Kane.

  “All the times we’ve talked, texted, and emailed, you’ve never mentioned you were having a baby. This is big news, big news, baby.”

  If Kane was angry or had any other thoughts, he never showed them, and I was sure that was for my family’s benefit.

  I didn’t respond and Jacob grabbed my coat at the shoulders helping me take it off before I walked over to the mint green, velvet sofa my parents had had since I was a child and curled up with my feet tucked under my butt. Mom instantly went into hostess mode and took orders for coffee. Gesticulating to my father in the direction of the kitchen she asked if he would get the mugs ready. Jacob greeted Kane, slapped his back and they shared a man hug before Jacob headed upstairs to the nursery with the bags we’d brought home.

  Chapter 21

  Disclosures

  Spinning his head in my direction after watching my brother leave the room, his eyes darted to mine, searching my face before his serious, concerned stare locked into mine.

  “Fuck, Jo. Is it mine?” Kane asked in a careful, low tone as soon as we were alone.

  His steely blue eyes pierced mine willing me to tell him the truth. “No.” I answered, because if she was his then my life would be even more complicated than it already was.

  “So, mind if I ask who? How far along are you?”

  “Thirty-five weeks or so isn’t that right, Josie?” Jacob answered for me having re-entered the room as Kane asked the question. My eyes searched out Kane’s as Jacob continued to move stuff around in preparation for dinner, and after a few seconds I closed them to shut out the way Kane’s stare penetrated my thoughts. His eyes held my gaze like they’d squeeze the truth from me.

  “It’s Elliott’s?” His voice barely hid his anger.

  I nodded. Even when I was unsure in that moment.

  “And he didn’t come back for you?”

  “Elliott died,” I said, my lip quivered as I said it.

  “Holy fuck, I’m sorry, baby. When? How…I mean, what happened?”

  “Car accident just after we—why are you here, Kane?

  “Why do you think? Do you know how long you’ve been on my mind? But I stayed away to give you the space you needed to figure out what you felt.” My heartbeat pounded in my chest from his continued scrutiny. I jumped when my mom called out to Jacob to help them in the kitchen.

  “There’s nothing here for you, Kane.”

  “You’re sure? I thought if I gave you that time—” Kane pondered what else to say. Suddenly he reached for my hand and pulled it onto his lap. Placing his warm hand over mine felt too comforting and I felt emotions beginning to rise.

  “Well this should help take that thought away.” My head nod
ded at my huge bump.

  “A kid? You think that having a kid would make me feel differently about you? I’ve thought about you every single day since I came back. We may have been kids once, Jo, but since I spent that weekend with you, I’ve barely had a day’s peace in my mind thinking about you.”

  “Really, then you’ve done a great job of consoling yourself if the media is anything to go by.”

  “True, I have. I’m not a monk, Jo. I’m a guy with needs, and a lifestyle where free love is a given for any musician who wants it.”

  I stared pointedly at him because his honesty stung. I said nothing for what seemed like minutes then shrugged and said, “And that’s exactly why I turned you away. Anyhow, that’s all in the past, it’s none of my business what you do with your life.”

  “No? Then why does me being with other women affect you so much? Your face shows more envy that you realize. Can you say you don’t want me at all? Do you feel anything for me?”

  “Oh I care, I care like you have no idea, but this is all we have and this is all we’ll ever have. I have a child to take care of, a huge responsibility, and you’re in a rock band. In my world those two things are not compatible. If I stepped into your life we’d be eaten alive. Dealing with those groupie sluts night after night would wear me down.”

  “What are you talking about? You can be wherever you want. I’d always come home to you. I tour for two months of the year. That’s it. I have already said I won’t do any more than that. You can work with us, travel with us, you don’t have to come to every gig we play, Jo. This is your dad talking. All the indoctrination of what life is really like and how we shouldn’t go chasing rainbows, right?”

  “Can you even hear yourself? We barely know each other now. We knew each other once, Kane. The kids we were, are not who we are today.”

  “You’re right, we’re not, but I still know you, Jo. I still want to know you.”

  “For how long, Kane? Until you fuck me out of your system? Is that what this weekend visit was about? Take a good look at me. How fuckable do I look now?”

  “From where I’m standing you are as beautiful as ever, being pregnant doesn’t change that.”

  We sat silently once again, my mind blank of thought as my mom came into the room carrying a tray laden with tea and coffee, sandwiches and brownies. I pulled my hand away and clasped my hands in front of me.

  I could have cut the atmosphere between us with a knife, but my mom was oblivious to it. “So tell us all your news, Kane, we’re dying to know what celebrities you’ve met. You’ve been linked with some gorgeous girls, honey, are you dating one of them?” I sneered at Kane and rolled my eyes like my mom had just proved my point.

  Kane sat up straighter on the sofa and Mom handed him a cup of coffee. “No one special, Maxine, it’s just the management’s way of gaining extra publicity for the band.”

  “So you haven’t been out with any of them?”

  Kane cast a guilty look to me then back to my mom. “Well, yeah a few, but like I said, no one special.” He glanced nervously in my direction again. His honesty was killing me with every disclosure.

  “Oh, which ones?” I’d never been so close to telling my mom to shut the fuck up like I was at that moment.

  “Does it matter?” he asked quickly, his eyes darting back to me with an apologetic look in them. “Anyway, a gentleman never kisses and tells,” he added, and I felt a massive relief to have no faces to go with his admission.

  My dad asked him a few questions about where he’d been and how the band felt about playing in front of that many people. And Jacob had a few questions of his own. I sat quietly listening and my baby was so active that I unconsciously began to rub my bump. Kane’s eyes homed in on my hand then glanced up at my face and gave me a sad smile that unnerved me.

  After an hour Jacob went to get ready as he had a date. Mom asked Kane where he was staying then invited him to come for Thanksgiving dinner the next day. My heart leapt when he said he’d like nothing better, but ached at the same time because in a way I felt he was prolonging my agony.

  All evening he never took his eyes off of me, and eventually, I couldn’t fight the longing I had to be hugged tightly the way he had cuddled me when we met at the airport all those months before. If I’d had the foresight to see what would happen, my life may have turned out differently. It was before my life became the complicated car wreck I was trapped in. And who knows, Elliott may still be alive. No. It wouldn’t have mattered whether I’d slept with Kane or not, Elliott may still have died and I’d still be carrying his baby. I felt the familiar feeling where my throat closed as my emotions tightened in my chest, and I knew I had to get out of that room before I lost it and began to cry.

  Rising to my feet, I sighed heavily and put on my best weary face. “Sorry, guys, I’m worn smooth, I need to lie down for a while.”

  Kane jumped to his feet. “Can I help?”

  I scoffed, “Help me to lie down, Kane? I think that’s one of the few things I can still do independently these days, I’ll see you tomorrow if you’re here.”

  “Oh, I’ll be here. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away. Rest well, beautiful,” he replied.

  Breathing deeply, I barely made it out the door before tears spilled at my situation. I felt sorry for myself and finally admitted what I’d been denying for the last eight months. I had fallen in love with Kane, despite all the warning signs that it was a terrible idea. Telling myself it was infatuation because of the myth I’d built up in my mind after all the time we’d been apart was my protection mechanism. Truth was I’d given my heart to him as a child.

  Once I’d left the room I chewed myself up about what the likely conversation was between him and my parents then decided none of it mattered. Whatever he told them would make no difference to how I felt about the crush I had on a rock star. Kane wasn’t exactly father material for my baby, and his lifestyle was something I couldn’t tolerate. Trying to fit into his world wasn’t something I had time for, and no matter how we felt it could never last. My focus had to be making the best future for my baby and ensuring she was kept safe and well. I’d made a huge mistake in life, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want the very best for my baby.

  *****

  I slept fitfully and woke feeling like I had a hangover. My eyes were puffy from crying and lack of sleep, and I had heartburn. Great. Easing my way out of bed, I straightened my aching back and rubbed my belly as I padded barefooted over to the window. Both my father and Jacob’s cars were gone but Kane’s car was still in the driveway. As my mom was picking up my grandmother for Thanksgiving dinner, and Jacob had the early morning shift in his job as a firefighter, I knew they would all be gone for several hours.

  As soon as I got past the shock that Kane was still downstairs I hit the shower, dressed in some maternity jeans and a bump hugging electric blue top. I opened my bedroom door to go downstairs. I could smell the strong aroma of turkey basting in the oven. Entering the kitchen, I saw that my mom had left me a list of instructions of when various things had to be turned on to cook. I followed the first things on the note to the letter while I waited for the coffee pot to fill.

  All the time I was working in there, the anticipation of Kane coming in gave me butterflies. With each minute that passed I became much more excited at the prospect of seeing him, so when I’d completed my tasks and made the coffee I was disappointed when he still hadn’t shown his face.

  Our sitting room door squeaked as I slowly pushed it open and my eyes were immediately drawn to him and my heart softened at his sleeping form. Kane was lying flat on his back in nothing but a pair of Calvin Klein, black boxer briefs. His hands were raised above his head and the comforter he had been sleeping under was crumpled on the floor.

  The sight of him lying like that was sexily enticing. It made me salivate even though I was heavily pregnant and sex had been the last thing on my mind. Taut lean muscles lined his abdomen, every cont
oured ridge rippled and formed together to make his perfectly sculpted six pack torso. He was the last man I’d been with and he was even more handsome and desirable than I had remembered.

  Quietly, I walked over to the seat directly opposite where he lay, this may be the last time I ever see him like this, and allowed myself to indulge in the luxury of studying his heartbreakingly beautiful features while he slept.

  With each rise and fall of his chest, I fell a little deeper in love with him. With every breath he took, I wanted him more. With every soft sigh his body exhaled, the memories of his touch while he slid inside me became more vivid in my mind. I sat staring in amazement as his shaft became erect in his boxer briefs and knew that at some point in the not too distant future he’d wake up. Less than five minutes after that thought occurred he did. Slowly his eyes fluttered open and before he even spoke he captured my heart once more with a lazy smile.

  “Morning,” he mumbled, smiling sleepily as he reached inside his boxers to adjust his rigid cock. “Have you been awake long?”

  “Long enough to follow my mom’s instructions for lunch and make a cup of coffee. Want one?” I’d been objectifying him and the instant his eyes met mine I had felt myself blush.

  “Yeah, I could drain the pot. Your dad got me on the whiskey last night after your mom went to bed.”

  “Makes sense. I wondered why you were still here when I came down this morning.”

  “Did you have a good time sitting there watching me sleep?”

  My first thought was to lie and say I had just sat down but I figured honesty was our thing so I told him the truth. “Yeah, best excitement I’ve had since I went to the cinema to see Fifty Shades of Grey.”

  “So you were imagining me tying you up with rope, me whipping your ass, cuffing you to a pole, and doing all that kinky shit to you? Good to know, I’ll make a note,” he smirked wickedly, and sat up with his legs open, leaning back into the sofa. My eyes darted to the stiff cock in his pants, and my pussy clenched. I felt angry with myself. I had no right feeling those things. I had a sick baby inside of me, and a life that was already mapped out ahead. But being with Kane was the first time I’d felt almost normal since the hospital had given me the devastating news about her.