Amazingly (but perhaps fortunately) the kids hadn't discovered The Hidden War before Kaoren and I started discussing it over breakfast (although Sen's been watching that Setari Song Star show). Ys and Rye immediately looked for and found the first episode about me (neatly demonstrating how far they've advanced in their ability to use the interface, not to mention read/use the text-to-voice function). The Hidden War is classified the equivalent of PG for under-thirties, so we had to give permission for Sen to see it, and we watched it together instead of our usual after-dinner game. Ys wanted to know exactly what was true and what wasn't, and Rye was primarily caught up by the fact that Se-Ahn Surat looks nothing like me – and the discovery that both my eyes used to be the same colour. His reaction to Lastier was pretty much on par with Fourth Squad's.
It was a good opportunity to talk them through the problems caused by our notoriety, the impact that would have on them, and the fact that there was sure to be scripts in the future involving them. That was something we couldn't prevent entirely, but Kaoren told them that it was their decision as to whether anything 'true' about them was known, or if it was all left to scriptwriters to fabricate. I'd already made clear in my initial feedback that I wanted the kids kept out of the show as much as possible. Ys and Rye had already read quite a few news articles discussing the fact that Kaoren and I had expanded our family, but were of course less than impressed with the idea that there would be actors pretending to be them, and that a lot of people would believe that how they behaved on the show was what they were really like.
"Think over what you would prefer," Kaoren said. "The truth, an invented history, or leave them with nothing so that what they show is nothing of you."
Ys immediately vetoed making things up, looking at the script outlines given to us, it wouldn't be until the next season that it becomes an issue, but as our shopping trip has already shown them, a great many people are going to be interested in them.
Knowing more now about Nuran culture, I'm glad we didn't just let them disappear into the eight thousand. Until all the Nuran children are adopted, this system of servants and Houses and Zarath would have put Ys and Rye in a bad place, no matter what opinion Tarens and Kolarens have of it, and it was important to get my three out of that to cut short any threat of them being separated. Sometimes I think I'm doing them more harm than good, and sometimes I'm just enjoying the hugs too much to care.
I keep trying to think of ways I can help my ghost-girl as well, but I have to face the near-certainty that it's way too late for me to do anything for her.
Tuesday, October 7
Reversed Polarity
I thought at first that last night's dream was exactly the same, but after surveying the city I realised that my ghost-girl just hadn't moved, was still sitting dazed and confused on the same roof a day later.
For today's session Tsur Selkie agreed to let me try and project just my ghost-girl and not her surroundings, if I thought I could do that. I wasn't entirely sure, and I feel increasingly embarrassed at the prospect of failing these experiments when I now have four squads sitting in attendance. Second and Eighth were the spares this time, since Third has been sent to Muina.
It was a struggle. It felt like trying to push the wrong ends of two magnets together – I could feel more or less how I needed to go, but then my mind would slip off focus. I was just about to concede defeat when that slippery sense of repulsion reversed, and I felt like I was being pulled into something, and clutched at my test chair in a panic, convinced I was going to end up back in that horrible room again. My vitals skyrocketed, and the near-space all around me started distorting, making everyone feel heavier. Tsur Selkie sent most of the squads backward, and sharply ordered me to stop the test.
I said, "It isn't me," sounding thoroughly freaked out, and shuddered as the drag got even worse and just for a moment I thought I saw my ghost-girl, but then there was an awful piercing pain in my head, and I passed out. That last was the interface deciding to start growing again. They still have no idea why the interface reacts this way with me occasionally, and they're talking about uninstalling it completely until further notice. But we're learning all my foibles and so were at least ready for the possibility, quickly shutting it down. My eye was damaged, but not very badly, and I'll be piratical for only a short while.
I woke in medical to the news that at the exact time as my attempted projection, all the platforms and malachite marbles on Muina had reacted. It had lasted for only for the few seconds before I'd collapsed, but the satellites and drones busy scanning Muina's surface had picked up a power reading in a region where no malachite marble had as yet been discovered. A new place to search.
Kaoren has this tiny frown-line between his eyes that was never there before.
I wasn't the one projecting. I stopped as soon as I felt that heaviness, and something else went on. We have the rough location of another malachite marble in return, but if I hadn't passed out I'm not sure what would have happened.
Thursday, October 9
Hooked
I didn't dream of my ghost-girl last night. She dreamed of me.
Or I dreamed of her dreaming of me. At any rate, I could tell it wasn't like my normal dreams. I dreamed that I was asleep on the scan bed, and Kaoren was asleep in the low lounge chair they'd fetched in for him. The lights were at half setting, but I could see straight away when my ghost-girl showed up – just there, looking at me.
Kaoren woke up immediately – he tells me it was because of my energy output, not because the girl registered as a threat – and after a long look at the girl (who was staring fixedly at me) he said: "Her name is Cassandra."
The girl only gave him the barest glance. "What happened to her face?"
She was speaking old Muinan, and there was a pause (while Kaoren accessed a translator for the words he didn't understand), then he slowly said in the best old Muinan he could manage: "She was injured by a communication device. She has been dreaming about you. Do you have the same ability to see and create projections?"
The girl gave him a suspicious look. "Who are you?"
"My name is Kaoren. Cassandra and I are...hand fasted. Will you tell me your name?"
That earned him a long second look, then: "Liranadestar. Where is this place?"
Kaoren's eyes were very narrow, and I could tell people were giving him a lot of conflicting instructions on what to say to her. "This is a world called Tare, a planet that some of the inhabitants of Muina fled to after the spaces were shattered."
From the little frown, I guessed the girl didn't quite understand at least part of what he said, but wasn't willing to admit it. So like Ys, who hates to show any form of ignorance.
"Can you take a message for me?" the girl (who can be called Lira because Liranadestar is a worse mouthful than Sen's name) asked. "To Peresadestar of Nuriath? Tell him that Naranezolen of Oriath took me away to a city I don't know. I haven't been able to reach out to him the way I usually do. I can't understand why."
"Do you remember going to a room with a dome made of black stone?" Kaoren asked very carefully.
"No," Lira said, but then paused and looked confused. "Will you carry my message?" she asked, with a ferocious frown.
Kaoren looked from her to me. I was starting to feel pretty bad, achingly exhausted, like I hadn't been to sleep for years. His mouth was a flat line as he looked back at her, and he said, "The people you're speaking of have been dead for centuries. Muina was abandoned centuries ago. Nuriath lies in ruins."
She gave him a disbelieving glare, but was shaken by the calm certainty in Kaoren's eyes and then wavered and vanished. I woke myself up, and held out a hand for him, and shuddered from the effort of just that.
"She was using me as anchor to look here," I said, as he helped me sit up a little. "But she's projecting herself. Can she be dead, and yet project herself?"
I didn't get an answer to this – still haven't – and a technician bustled in with a fortifier and made me drink it un
til I passed out for the better part of a day. At least I was already in medical. Kaoren stayed with me most of the time, with Maze, Zan, Zee and Mara occasionally spelling him. I felt pretty damn gluggy when I finally woke up, and took a long, cold shower to try and pep myself up a little. It hasn't really worked, but they don't want me to go back to sleep as yet, and are making me periodically walk around to keep my circulation up.
Everyone's a little freaked out about how much energy the projection was costing me. If I was right about it being her dream, not mine, then I mightn't even be able to wake myself up from it. Since I didn't try, there's a lot of unease about what will happen if she uses me as an anchor again. She's considerably more powerful than me – or, rather, they think she's actively linked to the platforms and malachite marbles on Muina, because they reacted again during this dream – which is another thing freaking everyone out. No-one's allowed to use platforms except for emergencies.
There's been a lot of Cruzatch sightings in Pandora near-space – and Taren and Kolaren near-space – and everyone's on high alert. KOTIS Command is debating taking me back to Muina to see if that reduces the energy cost of the dreams, but they're worried about exposing me to Cruzatch attack, not to mention the possibility of me getting trapped in that dark place again. But waiting till I'm stronger is no longer the safest option.
I'm giving people ulcers on their ulcers.
On the positive news front, they've found another of the Arenrhon-type places in the zone where the satellite picked up power readings. And they've located Oriath on the old maps recovered from Kalasa and are going to send an expedition there to scout around.
I am very bored with being in medical now, and am going to try my hand at bullying Kaoren into letting me go back to our apartment, at least while I'm awake.
Friday, October 10
To Atanra
On the way back to Muina to see if the energy cost of my dreams is less there. More ping-ponging between planets. I don't see what else KOTIS could do, but I am starting to feel like one of a mob of squawking chickens, running back and forth, back and forth, trying to find a safe place because the sky is falling everywhere.
My interface is still turned off, and it's very strange travelling without it. Makes me feel very isolated, for all I have four full squads with me.
We did have quite a debate about the kids, since we're not going to Pandora, but to a newly built facility called Atanra (the word means 'passage') which is very near Muina's rift into deep-space and is intended as a staging ground for planetary arrivals and departures. They hurried construction along at least in part so they could keep me close to the rift in case I get trapped again. No platform, no handy Ddura you can summon to play guard dog. Lots of shielding and defences, presumably. Because it's not considered a 'safe' zone, the kids will be going on to Pandora. And because the squads no longer have any members on sick leave, they've been assigned a babysitter.
I'm trying not to show how hugely entertained I am by the idea of Siame's first 'mission' being looking after three children who think they're well able to look after themselves. Not that, with all her Sights, Siame is probably in any doubt as to me finding the situation funny. She's being very self-assured – she really has a phenomenal poise, which only the drastic alteration to her close relationship with Kaoren has come close to upsetting. She decided to be coolly professional with me again, polite with a hint of Kaoren's dryness, not pretending to like me, but careful not to be hostile either. I can live with that.
It's been fun watching the squads react to her, particularly Fourth and Eighth, who have probably seen her before when they were Kalrani, but not had that much to do with her and thus see her entirely as "Tsee Ruuel's sister" and are rather wary. Most of the senior Setari are encouraging, but Lohn and Nils seem to regard her as Kaoren's 'mini-me' and are longing to tease her. They've taken her, Ys and Rye on a tour of the ship (it's the Litara this time – considerably larger than the Diodel).
I'm hoping they turn my interface back on soon, so that I'll be able to chat to the kids even though they're in a different settlement. Sen is particularly fond of sending a channel request to me at random moments, and it bothers her that it currently won't connect. She's not very happy at all right now. I've been taking the opportunity of the flight to be reassuringly well and alive, but the eye patch makes it a little unconvincing, and she's been latched on to me as much as possible. She's half-asleep in my lap 'helping' me write.
Theoretically we left Ghost behind, but I can feel her wandering about the ship. Since there's no Ddura at Atanra, I figure it should be okay. Nearly at the rift entrance, so it's time to go back to our pods.
---
Atanra is basically barracks, warehouses and a big landing spot for ships. One single building for all the living areas to make it easier to protect, furnished with very solid shielding. I spent my time being scanned while the Setari swept the area and checked the drone set in near-space for signs of Cruzatch activity. Ghost kept me invisible company, but is otherwise maintaining a low profile.
Thankfully the medics decided it was okay to turn my interface back on, and so I was able to read the kids their bedtime story and ask them what Pandora was looking like now (most of the flowers have moved on, lightning-quick, and all the trees are leaf-dusted). I'm feeling a little 'over-observed', since my room is a medical observation area. It's not too bad, I guess – it has two beds so that Kaoren can sleep in the same room as me – but I'm feeling like I should dig out one of my lab rat shirts.
Saturday, October 11
Ghosts
No dreams or projections of any sort last night. With four squads assigned to look after me, I'm going to spend my time feeling perpetually guilty about wasting their time. They've broken into a dayshift and a nightshift, and are busy clearing the area of nearby Ionoth and obligingly pretending they're not sitting around waiting for me to do something interesting. I'm not even scheduled for testing at the moment, until my eye is back to normal.
Atanra might be an interesting place to visit if I was allowed to go outside, but between health and safety issues I have a choice between the mess hall and my medical observation unit. I spent the day doing a lot of schoolwork, sleeping, and trying not to cringe during an examination of my eye. I was unconscious for a lot longer the last time my interface went haywire, so I missed the sensation of my eye not feeling 'right'.
I was in a bit of a mood most of the day. I always feel embarrassed when I'm feeling grumpy, given all the people who're stuck babying me, but I dealt with it by telling people I was feeling grumpy and was going to concentrate on schoolwork.
The highlight of my day was an actual conversation with Ys – who sent me a channel request after discovering an interface site devoted to "Caszandra's children", which had a lot of detail apparently culled from conversations with some of the Nuran survivors. About Ys and Rye they only seem to know that they were servants who had been assigned to look after Sen, but they had quite a bit of information about Sen's parents – Fiionarestel and Durenatar. The story (as retold) sounded a bit Romeo and Juliet – Fiionarestel was a highly respected scholar (and Sight Sight talent) and Durenatar some kind of architect. They'd been close childhood friends, but their families (or Heads of their Houses, rather) had a disagreement and they were forbidden from seeing each other. And had anyway, and had Sen, and were totally cut off from their families until they were found dead following what was widely believed to have been a murder-suicide.
Ys desperately doesn't want Sen to know any of this. She hated asking me, but her need to protect Sen trumps everything, and so she wanted me to find a way to suppress all information about Sen's parents.
Having finally reached this point, I asked very cautiously: "Does Sen not know anything about her parents?"
"She knows they were killed. She does not talk about them."
Ys sounded angry, which is her way of being very upset.
"You don't need me point out that Sen's Sight probably
means she knows far more about this than you do," I said. "And you know perfectly well you can't control what other people say. If there anything to do, it's to see if there is truth to their deaths, rather than gossip. I can ask Inisar if he knows any details. Would you like me do that?"
She's decided she wants to think about it first, and went back to not wanting to talk to me. I'm tempted to ask Inisar anyway, especially given the conspiracies complicating Nuri over the past few years. But I think right now Sen's more likely to be upset by Ys' anxiety than what happened to her parents.
Sunday, October 12
Mind's Eye
I didn't dream of my ghost-girl last night. I dreamed about Nils. Well, to be exact I had a series of dreams about Helese Surion and Nils. The first dream was Nils and Helese on her fiftieth birthday (which is sixteen and two-thirds, when you shift to 'young adult' status according to Taren law and can take the exam to be granted adult rights). They'd gone out to dinner together, and then they made love (for the first time, I think). She and Nils looked fantastic together – Helese was tall and handsome rather than what I guess would be called beautiful on Earth, and she teased Nils about being prettier than she was, which at that age he was. He called her 'Lese' and so plainly lived and breathed for her that I could barely stand knowing that things wouldn't work out for them.
The dream shifted, and an older Helese was holding a party to celebrate her engagement to Maze. Nils was there, and was very gracious and happy for them, and flirted more than successfully with Mara, who took him back to her quarters. But after she'd fallen asleep he lay in her bed looking devastated.
And then another shift, to Nils sitting alone in what I guess was his apartment, conjuring an illusion of Helese and talking to it about Zee, about how she'd become so important to him even though he'd promised himself he'd never let himself really care about anyone again, and how fun it had been giving her the lowest possible opinion of him to keep her safely at a distance. But that he was feeling so tired of it all lately.
The Touchstone Trilogy Page 91
