I haven’t heard a word from her since. I thought about going to her house to make sure she made it home safely, then decided against it. Checked online to see if she had a phone registered in her name. Once I found her, I programmed her number into my phone and stared at it all the damn time. And now, well, fuck, I can’t get her out of my head or the look of disbelief on her face after I gave her shit right back at her.
All I’ve done these past two weeks is tell myself that us departing the way we did is the best thing for her. Is it really, though, when my gut tells me I’m a fucking idiot for not picking up the phone to call or go to her house to check on her? To tell her there’s something about her that I can’t shake and if she’d let me, I’d like to spend more time with her?
“Fine. I’ll talk for you, asshole. It’s that woman, isn’t it? The one you brought home. She’s gotten under your skin, and instead of going after her, you're sitting here for whatever fucked-up reason thinking you aren’t good enough? Am I getting warmer?”
“You got a lot of room to talk, brother.” He knows exactly what I mean without me having to mention it. He’s as cold as a dead fish when it comes to warming up to a woman. He gets his dick off and slides them right out of his bed. Not once looking back.
“This isn’t about me; it’s about you. Get your ass up and go to her.” He raps his knuckles on my desk and grabs himself a beer. With a tip of his baseball cap, as if he’s a cowboy, he strolls out the door.
“Jesus. When did he turn into a pussy?” I ask Kaleb, who’s sitting at his desk opposite of mine. Arms crossed and drilling holes in my head.
“Who the hell knows with him. One day, he’s escorting some chick out of his house, the next, he’s telling you to go after one. So, what’s it gonna be, you going or not? ‘Cause one thing he has right is, you’ve shut yourself off from everyone else. You’ve taken two trips back and forth to Iraq, and we both know you hate that place, so what gives, Trevor?”
“I think you know damn well what gives, Kaleb. That girl is as pure as they come. I’ll fuck her up with all the bullshit rumbling around in my head. I’m no good for someone like her.” Kaleb jerks his head back. I’m not sure what the hell kind of game he’s playing, but he knows I don’t do the heavy shit with women. Hell, I can’t remember the last time I slept in the same bed with a woman before Grace. The only reason I did was so she would feel safe from the storm. Even then I kept my eyes open half of the night. There was no way I wanted to chance myself with her.
“The only bullshit I sense is what’s coming out of your mouth. I was there, remember? That wasn’t your fault. Jesus, man, I thought you would have been past that by now. That’s what we’re talking about here, isn’t it? Your brother, the nightmares? You still have them?”
“They’ve never stopped,” I admit, even though I’d rather cut my own limbs off than admit weakness to any of these guys.
“You need some time off. Take it, get your shit together. There isn’t anything going on here that I can’t do myself. I don’t care what you have to do or how long it takes you to do it. All I care about is you being in your right mind when I send you out.” He’s right. I know he is. I had no business taking on jobs this close to his anniversary. Normally, I don’t. I thought maybe if I tried, I might feel some sort of normalcy for once.
Every time I leave there, I feel as if I’m leaving him there as well, and yet year after year, I keep going back for more. More morbid memories despite the fact I feel him when I’m there. Fuck. I’m messed up.
“I’ll let you know where I end up.” I stand, sign the papers indicating this last shipment was delivered, and hand him the file.
“I know where you’ll be. I was there once myself. Obsessed with a woman who I didn’t even know. I went after what I wanted, and now look at me. I’m about to marry her. Now, get the fuck out of here, just check in every once in a while. And don’t fucking think about not showing up to my wedding. Jade will have your ass.”
I take a deep breath as I walk out of the house and head to my house. It only takes me a few minutes to grab my duffel bag and throw in a few items to last me a week. I think the best thing for me will be getting lost on the road. My truck has always been my sanctuary, and burning some miles on the road sounds like the perfect medicine for this funk I can’t seem to shake.
I say good-bye to everyone. Spend a few minutes listening to Jade carrying on about her worry for me, and by the time I’m a few miles down the road, I decide the hell with it and jump on the highway that’ll take me to Grace. She’s only three hours away, so I see no reason why I can’t simply check on her as I pass through. For miles, I listen to music while my mind keeps telling me I’m doing this to make amends with her. It’s part of it, but it sure the hell isn’t all of it. I need to see her.
The main thing that’s still eating at me, though, is the disappointment in her face when she thought I was involved in illegal crap. What’s bad is, this time I wasn’t, but if my mission requires something done, I have to do it. No questions asked. I kill for a living. I sneak in and take lives without a second thought and never regret them. I only regret the lives of the brothers I lose in the process.
A few hours into the trip, I snatch my phone as a thought creeps into my mind. The trees and the green terrain that are passing me by in a blur are what give me the idea.
“Hey, man, how you holding up?”
“Life is good. I’m in love, getting my shit back together, and you?” God, he really does sound good. Back to his old self.
“Glad to hear it. Listen, I have a favor to ask. Is anyone staying at the ranch? I’m taking a breather, thought about heading that way for a bit.” Harris has been through some heavy shit of his own. He’ll get the gist of what I’m saying without asking questions.
“No. We were there last week. It’s all yours. All I need to do is make a call to let someone know when you’ll be there. They’ll stay out of your way. I’ll have them hook you up with everything you need, brother.”
“Appreciate it.” I proceed to talk to him for several more minutes, catching up on his progress and listening to him rattle off about Emmy. By the time we hang up, I feel good about where I’m headed, but my mind drifts back to Trenton. Memories of his last breath flash through my head as if it’s happening right this very minute. So clear and torturous all over again. And I have no choice but to watch him die for the thousandth time in the past few months.
Before I know it, I’m pulling into St Louis, Missouri. A town that’s alive and moving even though I’m numb and worried about my decision to come see her. I’m not in the right mindset to see her, and I know this, but I need to for my own peace of mind.
It doesn’t take me long to find her house. A gorgeous home that’s in the historic district in the downtown sector. The Bed & Breakfast sign hanging in the yard confuses me for a few minutes, but then it all makes sense. They had to have someone keeping the house up while they were gone.
She’s sitting on the porch with her head down. All that hair fanning her stunning face. At first, she looks confused, but then her facial expression changes to astonishment the second she lifts her head and realizes it’s me. Beautiful. What the hell do I say? Oh, hey, I’m a crazy lunatic who wanted to come by and say, “I miss you, but I can’t ever be with you.” That should make complete sense.
“Mr. Steele. What brings you to my place?” So, we're back to formalities again? I close the truck door, meeting her in the yard as she approaches me.
“I wanted to check on you before I leave.” That’s a dumbass thing to say; I’ve been across the world since seeing her last.
“Leave?” she questions, confusion and sadness flashing across her face.
“Not like moving away, leave. I have a few days off and thought I could use some road time.” A hint of relief passes across her features.
“Well, that was nice of you. If you have a few minutes, you can come sit with me and talk.” I nod my head and follow slowly behind her
as she leads me to the porch. She leaves me the swing, while she sits in the chair next to it.
“Where are you going?”
“Alabama. I have a friend who owns a ranch out in the middle of nowhere.” She looks down at her hands, and I start moving slowly in the swing, allowing a creaking sound to break the silence.
“You know, one thing I was taught was always to be honest. Why don’t you tell me why you are really here?” This is one of the things I admire about this woman. When she wants something, she goes after it, and right now she wants the truth. So, instead of me sitting here bullshitting her, I opt for the truth. The moment her eyes finally land on mine is the moment I know I can tell her anything. A flicker of a memory passes through my mind. One I’ve carried with me since my brother helped turn me from the scared coward I was to the man I am today. “Always look someone in the eye when you have something important to tell them. Man, woman or child. That’s a sign of being a man, little brother.”
“I don’t like how things ended the last time we saw each other. I just want you to know I’d never involve you in anything dangerous. I may be retired from the military, but I still serve my country, which gives me advantages. Those advantages have never put anyone in danger. They may be sneaky or breaking the law to an extent, but never at the expense of someone else’s life. The reason I wanted to get out as quick as I did is, I promised to make sure you were safe, to get you home to settle your affairs. There’s only one way I can guarantee that. I have to do it myself.”
“If you had stayed back, you wouldn’t have been able to bring me home.” She says it as if she’s putting the pieces together for the first time. “Why didn’t you just say that?”
“No. I would have found a way. Listen, it’s hard to explain. There are things about me you don’t know. About the people I work for. We’re good people. I needed to get you home, and I needed to get home. For now, let’s leave it at that.” I lean forward and rub my hands down my face, even though this wasn’t a mission, we still don’t want anyone knowing who we are or what we do. I need to explain this in a way she’ll understand. I don’t want her to think I’m some loose cannon ready to go off at any given time. I’m not. I would never hurt her or anyone else. Not intentionally. I look back at her expecting to see confusion staring back at me. The only thing I see in her expression is a woman who cares with everything she’s got. Has lived a rough life well beyond her years.
“Remember when I said to not tell anyone about me?”
“Yes. I remember.”
“Now do you get why?”
“I do. You and your friends are one of the government's hidden secrets.” Now she’s catching on.
“Something like that.” I chuckle at her terminology.
“Tell me about this trip. Is it a vacation?” She lifts a hand and tucks a chuck of hair behind her ear. My fingers twitch to knot it up in the fist of my hand.
“Have you ever felt as if you're walking through life not knowing where you are going, or where the next step will lead you? That’s me. I’m stuck. Stuck back in time.” I answer honestly.
“So, this road trip you're taking is supposed to help you. Is this your way of dealing with your past?” Damn, she is smart as a whip. She should be a shrink.
“I suppose it is. Not sure. All I know is, I need to go somewhere where I can find peace. I’m not getting it here.”
“I can understand that,” she replies, a slight pinch creasing across her forehead. Makes me wonder if she’s really doing okay.
“Enough about me. Tell me about you. Are you enrolled in school? Getting settled in?”
“I am enrolled. It seems my dad pulled a few strings before he passed. Otherwise, with it being the middle of summer, I wouldn’t have been able to start until next semester. I’m thankful to him for that. I’m taking it as the one last thing he did to show me he knew how much it meant to me. As far as how I’m doing, getting reacquainted with the American culture wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be; it’s coming here to our home that’s hard. The memories. I’m lost. Kind of like you.” She stands and takes a few steps, leans up against the porch, lifts her head, and her eyes are full of unshed tears. I’m not even going to try to dissect my thoughts as to why I push up from the swing, bring one of my hands up to frame her face, and ask her the question I’m about to ask when every part of it screams wrong and yet feels so right.
“Do you want to come with me?”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
GRACE
“Yes,” I find myself saying without giving it a second thought. I was happy to see him when I heard the loud rumble of his truck idling. It brought me from reading over the courses of my class schedule to my heart jumping in excitement at the possibility of seeing him again.
The past two weeks have been overwhelming, to say the least. I came home to find the house had been turned into a bed and breakfast. I stood outside of our old home simply staring. Its familiar yet strange beauty engulfed me with memories that flooded my brain. My parents kept the changes they made from me. At first, I was hurt, confused, and ready to pull out my dad’s cell phone to call Kevin to make sure we still owned the place. None of it made sense to me at all. I didn’t understand why until I walked in the door and was met with yet another surprise.
“Ivy?” I screeched at my long-lost best friend who was standing in the kitchen. The room hadn’t changed a bit, and neither had she. Except for the now long dining room table that was big enough to place twelve people at a time and the baby she had resting on her hip.
“Oh, my god. Grace. I’ve been waiting for you. I’m so sorry about your parents,” she said, one arm coming up to circle around me. Guilt. So much of it consumed me. Ivy and I became instant friends when Mom and I first moved here. She lived across the street. When we left, I promised to keep in touch. I did at first, but the war over there made it nearly impossible to send or receive letters. My parents felt it was safer for all of us if we cut off communication completely. I never forgot about Ivy, but my life over there took over.
We laughed, talked, and when she went on to tell me that three years ago, my mom had called Kevin to enquire about the house and she wanted to rent it out, telling him it was too beautiful to sit unoccupied any longer, he had talked her into turning it into a bed and breakfast, which led to her calling Ivy.
Ivy loved our home. She was there all the time. Always spoke about wanting a place exactly like it. It turns out she got her wish, and so did my mother. Ivy lives here with her nine-month-old son and runs the place. Her deadbeat ex- boyfriend, as she called him, took off the minute he found out she was pregnant. He’s a jerk. Jasper is a doll. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to be a part of a life they create. I guess it’s his loss, as my dad would always say about my own biological father.
“I can see why you would want to return here. It’s a nice place,” Steele says from behind me as I show him around the house.
“It is. Not much has changed, either, except for the fact it’s now a bed and breakfast.” I continue showing him around while explaining how it all came about.
“Your friend Ivy won’t care that you're leaving, then?”
“No. In fact, she would have insisted I called you to come back and get me.” He tilts his head to the side. For the first time since he’s been here, a smile spreads across his handsome face. My face flushes, which seems to happen often whenever he looks at me with those soft eyes.
“You told her about me?” he asks as if he’s surprised.
“I told her I met a man. One I treated poorly. I didn’t tell her your name or go into details about what happened between us. I hated how I acted toward you. I needed someone to talk to about it. I never should’ve accused you of being involved in something illegal. I overreacted, and I’m sorry.” I haven’t been able to get that conversation or this confusing man out of my head. He’s been in my dreams, my thoughts, and has occupied more of my time than anything else. Including school, the reading of my par
ents’ will, and adjusting my life to living here. I never thought I would see him again. It’s as if I’ve been given a second chance without the first one happening.
“Well, shit, seems we’ve both been living with guilt. I’m sorry, too. What do you say we leave it in the past and get moving? I think you’ll love Harris’ ranch.”
“Okay. Let me pack and make a few calls. How long will we be gone?”
“A week or so,” he replies.
I laugh to myself. Be honest about your feelings, Grace. My mother's voice calls out to me. My laugh dies and in its place come words. Words I hope this broken man takes straight to his heart. I don’t want to fix him. I want him. Broken pieces and all. Him being here is a sign that he feels similar. I’m not going to ignore that sign. I’m going to go after what I want. I want Trevor Steele.
I run up the stairs to my closet filled with new clothes I haven’t had the opportunity to wear yet. I ponder as I stare at jeans, shirts, dresses, and shoes, wondering if we’ll go anywhere besides his friend’s ranch. When I realize I’ve been up here long enough, I start pulling down the things I know I’ll need and the things I hope I’ll need. By the time I’m finished packing and called Ivy—where it took me five minutes to get a word in after I told her what I was doing—a half hour had passed.
“I’m ready,” I grunt as I lug the suitcase down the stairs to a waiting Trevor sitting on the porch steps. He stands abruptly, sticks what appears to be a photograph in his back pocket, and takes my suitcase from my hand.
“I see you did some shopping,” he teases when he looks down at my feet.
“I did. It was overwhelming at first, and I really thought I would feel awkward and out of place here. It turns out I was wrong. I mean, things are different than I’m used to, but things are the same, too, if that makes sense.” I’m comfortable. When I left here, I was a teenager doing teenage things. Hanging with friends, going to movies, and now I’m learning to be an adult. On my own. It’s exhilarating, exhausting, and I miss my parents more than anything. However, these past two weeks with my thoughts and focus have made me realize what I want out of life.
Steele (The Elite Forces Book 4) Page 7
