by L J Hadley
Come here.
My texts beg.
I have a visitor but I will get rid of her, please, please, come here
But he doesn’t answer.
‘Sorry about that!’ I smile when I come down stairs.
‘If you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go..’ Gina smiles.
And we chat some more over coffee and she’d stay here forever if I let her, but I tell her that I’m going shopping and when she offers to come with me, I wriggle out of it, I tell her I have a waxing appointment and that I’ll see her tomorrow at the gym.
‘Can’t wait.’ Gina grins and finally I’ve got rid of her, but then I remember I might need her later.
‘If I’m late….’ I call out to her as she walks to the car. ‘Can you grab the boys for me?’
‘Sure.’
I rush upstairs, I look at my wardrobe, I don’t know what to wear and then I realise I have to stay wearing the same; I have to hold onto normality here.
But I take off my bra and knickers and stuff them in my handbag and, from out of my wardrobe, I take a pair of killer heels to change into. I brush my teeth, and then I brush them again when I think of this morning and Rick, and I gargle with mouthwash too, and then I put on my beige lipstick but it feels like it is red now as I paint my mouth.
I am finally going over the edge.
I drive, I break limits, I get there in time and as I pull into the car park I see his car.
I walk into the restaurant, it’s French and very smart and I am being led to him, except the waiter walks so slowly when I want to run. My eyes scan for him, but they don’t land on him till I am at his table because Luke is tucked away in a booth. Then, for the first time, in what feels like forever, I am finally sitting opposite him, those navy eyes are looking at me and I ache for his mouth, for him, for his hand or his foot to move between my legs, to welcome me, to check, yet he doesn’t.
He orders drinks and I see his teeth grit as the waiter checks the order, we have to be alone.
‘You are beautiful,’ he says and the flame that will forever burn for him flares as I remember how he always said that, not look. Luke has always, even at my worst, told me that I am beautiful.
He orders me a drink and then he tells me what will happen.
He tells me that it won’t.
‘I asked you to come here so that I could tell you that I am going to speak to work and arrange a transfer…’
‘No!’ Instant is my response.
‘Yes.’ He tells me.
‘You can’t just uproot your son,’ I attempt, but it doesn’t sway Luke. ‘It would be awful for him…’
‘And his parents breaking up when we get caught wouldn’t be?’
He is so much stronger than me.
‘Why did you leave the kitchen in the middle of the PTA, Portia…?’
I just sit there.
Ashamed.
‘We both know why.’ Luke answers for me. ‘We’re not going to fuck up our lives again…’
‘We don’t have to this time.’ I insist, but he refuses to believe it and I scramble to convince him, to keep him, to stop him from leaving my life, now that he’s back in it.
But it’s not just our families he’s worried about destroying, I know that – he loves me so much, he does and he doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want me going back to the way I was. ‘It will be different now…’ I tell him and I see the torture of want in his eyes. ‘I’m older. I’m a different person now. I can handle things…’
‘You’re not handling things though, even before you knew I was back you were starting to fall apart. What are you doing running again?’
He knows me so well.
‘And stealing… You’re out of control again, Portia. Do you know how hard it is to watch and do nothing?’ I see the purple smudges under his eyes, the tension on his face, and feel his fear for me.
‘How long have you been watching me?’
‘Since I saw your photo on that prick’s desk.’ He gives an incredulous shake of his head. ‘Why him?’
‘Why Natasha?’ I hurl back.
‘Because she’s nothing like you. Because she doesn’t make me want in the same way that you do, because…’ I can’t stand to think of her, but there are things I have to know.
‘So what happens when she comes?’
We sit there silent for a moment as the waiter brings our drinks.
Vodka on ice and I take a slug but it doesn’t douse the burn of jealousy when I think of him and Natasha and as I go to take another drink he tells me to slow down.
‘Sip it,’ he says.
I do.
But I have to know.
‘What happens Luke…?’ I beg. ‘Is it like….’
‘Natasha thinks sleeping naked is kinky.’
He smiles when I giggle.
I love his smile, it is so rare, so beautiful and sometimes, like now, I get to make it.
‘So, if you don’t…’ I swallow, I don’t really understand these things, for all we have done together, I know that I am very naïve. ‘Do you think of me…?’ I ask. ‘Do you think of me sometimes, do you think of me when you…?’
‘I do everything in my power not to think of you.’ Luke says. He is so matter of fact at times. ‘But sometimes, when I start to, when it starts to build…’ I catch my breath because it is the same for me. ‘I go to a place where it is safe, I go to a woman who, unlike you, plays by the rules…’
My face is savage. ‘I hate her…’ I hate every fuck that she has had that was meant for me, I tell him, but he sits there unmoved.
‘That means there are a lot of women you have hated over the years.’
I drink my vodka, I forget to sip.
‘Slow down.’
I won’t.
I drain my glass.
He orders another.
‘So what happens between you and Natasha?’
‘What happens between you and Rick?’ I hear the hate and the loathing as he says his name.
I don’t answer him.
I look up to the waiter who has come to take our order, but Luke dismisses him with a flick of his hand.
‘Portia?’
I think it far safer that I don’t answer.
I get back to us.
‘Why can’t we have an affair, why do you have to leave…’ I am sulking, I am pouting. I see a small soften to the lips I want on me, I see them twitch as he does his best not to smile…
I want my affair!
I want to be taken out for lunch and wined and dined by Luke and then taken by him afterwards.
‘It doesn’t have to be like before.’ He just sits there and looks at me as I plead to save us. ‘It doesn’t have to be as intense as before. You don’t have to move your family, I’m no threat to them…’ He just stares, there is no hint of a smile now. ‘Your son is just settling in….’
‘Yeah,’ Luke says, ‘and his mum is making new friends…’ He is angry, so angry about that. ‘What the hell were you thinking Portia?’
‘I’m not trying to stalk Natasha…’ I shake my head in impatience, he always sees the dark side, but it was so much more innocent than that. ‘I knew that if we’re going to be able to meet, then I need a reason to be out of the house sometimes, I need an excuse and I don’t really have one, I asked Rick this morning if I could join a gym…’
‘You have to ask him permission?’
He curses, he is black with anger as the waiter comes over again and Luke orders, he does not ask what I want, but I am older now and stronger now and if he is leaving me, if he is ending this, I will show him why he can’t.
‘I want soup.’ I call the waiter back. ‘I’d like to order the French onion soup.’
I am defying him, I am angering him, but I will fight for him, I will. I will show him how much I have changed.
I will fight for us.
Six weeks was all we had, but there were so many rituals and soup was one of them, so many rules that I just
didn’t, and still don’t, understand. So many things to abide by and over and over I failed, but I am deliberately failing now, I am showing how different things can be this time, that we don’t have to go back to how it was.
‘You’re playing with fire, Portia.’
‘I don’t care.’
I smile, I am defiant, I slip off a stiletto and I put my foot up and I rub the sole against him, it’s so hard and I smile at him as my foot toys with him. ‘It’s hot!’ I say and he says nothing. I take off my jacket and he swallows, he looks down and I know he can see my nipples straining the fabric, my blouse is sheer, one that shows a pretty bra, but I am not wearing one. And my toes wriggle on his crotch and then he catches my foot in his hand and he stops me.
‘Do you remember how sick you got?’
‘Because they kept me away from you…’ I beg him to see things more clearly, I can still remember his eyes the day my parents caved and asked him to come to the hospital, I saw navy sky rain that day, I saw guilt and it was unmerited. I think of those times, those dark, dangerous times, and I do understand we can’t properly go there, that if we are to maintain our lives, our marriages, our lives, then the obsession we had with each other must end. His hand is stroking my foot, his hot thumb presses into my sole and my soul. I see the waiter approaching, a steaming bowl is put in front of me, still bubbling and spitting from the oven, the dark soup running down the side, the crust perfect and I look at it for a moment, I thank the waiter politely and then my eyes turn back to him.
‘We’ll be careful.’
‘You’re never careful.’ Luke reminds.
‘This time I will be. I’ve got as much to lose as you. We’re not going to get caught. I was being stupid at the PTA, it was just such a shock seeing you, I just didn’t think, but I’m thinking now. Other people have affairs, why not us?’ The problem isn’t monogamy here and we both know it, so I plough on to convince him ‘It will be different…’.
‘I can’t share you.’ He just comes right out and says it. ‘I know my limits and that’s one - if I touch you, then he can’t. ‘
‘You know that won’t work.’ I tell him and then I show him just how much I’ve changed. ‘If we do this then I’ll have to share you too.’
‘I won’t share you.’ I hear the snap of possession in his voice, I hear the Luke I used to know and I want him.
I want him.
‘Does he think he was the first…’ I hear the loathing in his voice and I shiver, because, yes, I am playing with fire.
‘I never told him about you,’ I say carefully.
‘And your parents wouldn’t exactly have wanted to bring it up.’ He looks over to me.
‘I’m leaving when the children are older.’ I’d already decided that I tell him. We’re not going to blow things, I am not going to mess up my boys’ lives, we can just make our own lives more bearable…’
I lift up my spoon.
I see him tense.
I meet his eyes.
We are there again, we are back there again - he takes the spoon from me and I watch as he stabs it into the crust. I remember the first time he took me, I close my eyes and I remember the pain and the bliss and then he raises the spoon, and slowly, ever patient, he feeds me. He feeds me spoonful after spoonful as tears stream down my face, and there is moisture in the navy sky too because we both so badly want it to be after.
I want it to be afterwards, I want to be wrapped in a blanket afterwards, I want him feeding me with a hand that is steady, I want the tenderness in his eyes that I get then. I want all of him, not just one part of him….
We try to talk as we struggle through our mains, or rather, I do, there are so many questions, so many things I want to, have to know, but he blocks most of them.
‘A detective?’ I look at him, he has so much money, he probably doesn’t even need to work.
‘It keeps my mind busy,’ He says. ‘And the hours are long…’
He is in hell in his marriage and so am I.
I don’t really eat my main, but I have crème brulee for desert and I ask for vanilla in my coffee.‘Which is where it belongs…’ I say to Luke as the waiter walks off and we share a secret smile, the smile I love the best, we sit at a table, yet we slip into a world that is just about us.
As he pays the bill I go to excuse myself for a moment, but Luke stands, he is impatient and already walking out and I don’t want him to just drive off, so I follow him out to our cars, I want him to take me in his arms but he doesn’t. He halts me when I go to him, he holds me back.
‘We can do this.’ I beg. ‘We can be normal.’
He pushes me off.
He gets in his car and drives, he hasn’t even kissed me. I cry all the way home, I park the car and I go into the house, and I put my shoes away and I just stand in the hall and I want to scream in frustration, but the phone rings and so does the door.
I answer the phone to Rick’s voice and Luke stands at the open door.
Chapter Five
‘Yes…’ I say to Rick. ‘I went and looked at it with Natasha this morning…’ I stare at Luke as I speak. ‘Yes, the mum from the PTA, she seems nice…’ and then I tell Rick that I’m going to fill out the forms if he is still okay with it – I cannot hide Rick and I from Luke and he cannot hide Natasha from me, it is something we are both going to have to deal with. I am not going to lose my marriage until I choose to and so I say what I have to, to my husband. ‘Thank you for letting me join.’ I can see Luke’s face is white, there is a muscle flickering in his cheek but he just stands there and waits while I finish my conversation and hang up the phone and then he speaks and, for the second time, I guess in case I’ve got company, or a cleaning lady, or there’s a neighbour watching, he shows me his ID. ‘We’re just doing a door knock in the area about the recent spate of break-ins. Is now a good time to speak?’
I nod.
I hold the door open and it’s all civil, he wipes his feet as he comes in and I close the door for the first time in so many years we are properly alone.
‘Jesus!’ He lets out a hiss of frustration as he walks through to my lounge. He looks at the wedding photos, picks up the one where I’m standing there smiling shyly… ‘The bride wore white,’ he snarls. Luke looks like he’s about to throw it, but he goes and sits down and drags in some breaths and then he takes my hand and he pulls me towards him and I stand and watch as his eyes roam my body and then he puts his hands on my hips and moves me so that my crutch is level with his face and I want him to bury his head in it. I know that is what he wants to do - to sniff out the enemy, but he just closes his eyes for a moment.
‘We can do this.’ I say and he pulls me to his lap. ‘We can be lovers,’ I tell him, and now he lets me rain kisses on his sulking face. ‘Just two normal lovers.’
‘I don’t want to hurt you…’
‘I told you, I’m older now… I’m more assertive now - it doesn’t have to be like before, we can be somewhere in between.’ I look into his eyes and I see the wrestle as I try to nuzzle into him, to convince him, because I have to have him, I cannot not have him, my devotion to him is the part of me that he both loves and loathes.
I will never understand him.
So badly I want to.
‘You can’t sleep with him.’
‘Then we can’t have an affair.’ I tell him.
He tips me off his lap, he gets up and goes for the door.
I am furious. I am. Why can’t we have an affair like others do? Why are there always so many rules? I want escape, I want a lover and my fury summons him.
‘Fuck you, Luke!’
He turns at my challenge, and faces the new me and he’s angry I know it - I want him to let me have it, I want him to clean out my mouth, but he strides over and kisses me instead, a fierce kiss, a possessive kiss and his tongue is back in my mouth and it dissolves me, it promises me, it claims me and we can do this, I know it.
We can be normal lovers, I am sure of it as he kis
ses me up the stairs, but as we get to the bedroom, his face lifts and he sniffs at the air and he hates it I can tell.
He hates the huge wrought iron bed where I sleep with Rick, he loathes it, I know, as his eyes take in the pretty white covers and cushions. He is in the wrong lair, but these are different times and these are different rules, rules that the two of us are making this time, and we can do this.
‘Come here.’ He says and I tremble as he undresses me, I close my eyes as he takes in the changes, so many changes that have taken place while my body has mourned for him.
‘Did you miss me?’ I ask.
He doesn’t answer. He takes off my blouse, and he says nothing, just takes off my skirt and I am naked and his fingers trace my skin, as slowly he explores me and I shiver just to be near him again.
‘Did you miss us?’ I beg.
‘Portia….’ He doesn’t finish, he lowers his head and he licks around my nipple again and again, his cool tongue drawing circles then he takes more of my breast in his mouth and he suckles and I hold onto his head, but that doesn’t steady me, I can hardly breathe, just to his mouth on my breast, just to the bliss of the deep, slow sucks I could come but then he takes it away.
‘Lie down.’
I lie there and I look up at him. I want to see everything, I want to note all the changes too as he takes off his clothes.
First he kicks off his shoes and peels off his socks He takes of his jacket and he hangs it on the chair, he was always very precise.
Then Luke takes out his gun from its harness and the handcuffs and he places them by the bed and I swallow, there is the first flutter of nervousness in my throat and he sees it.
He takes off his tie and he hangs it on the chair too and then his shirt and I lie there and I burn….
His skin is so pale, such a contrast to the dark smatter of hair on his chest and I want his skin back next to mine where it belongs. He’s changed, but if anything it’s for the better, he’s just strong and exquisite and there is a moan in my mouth as he takes his time, as he teases me slowly. Luke looks over to me but says nothing, he delivers no instruction, I just lie and I watch and we pretend we don’t know what we really want.
