by Susan Renee
“Finn,” I turn slightly to look at him. I can tell he is anxious because he’s fidgeting as we stand together in the elevator. The fingers on his right hand are drumming softly on his thigh, and his eyes are apologetic but hopeful. His cheeks are also slightly pink, telling me that he can feel the connection between us just as I can. “I think I owe you an apology.”
Finn turns and cups my face with one hand since I’m holding the other one. “No Olivia, listen, you really don’t. I’m sorry, I…I just went about this all wrong, and I want to be able to explain myself because…I like you, and I fucked up on our first date. I was so stupid, and I’m sorry.”
The elevator bell dings, and we walk out the back door of the apartment building to stroll through the quad outside. The street lights give the quad a romantic glow but not so bright that you can’t do a little stargazing when the weather is just right, and tonight, it’s perfect. It’s a cloudless night with a warm breeze, which is lucky for me considering I walked out without a jacket in just my tank top. The local restaurants create a smell in the air of fried food, and the sounds around us are of people docking their boats for the night after a day on the water. Finn and I find a bench along the quad that is deserted and in a quiet spot where we can talk.
We both sit down on the bench, and Finn lets go of my hand rubbing both of his hands nervously on his legs, cupping his knees and back up. I sit next to him and watch him for a couple minutes as he gathers his thoughts. I’m not about to start talking first. I put myself out there with my apology, so at least now he knows the ball is in his court. I’m ready to see where he goes with this.
“When I’m at work,” Finn starts. “Running a company really isn’t necessarily as hard as some people might think it is. I inherited this job a lot younger than I expected to. No, scratch that, I never expected to inherit this job. I expected my Dad to be around forever, but life doesn’t always work out the way we plan. Lucky for me, I have a staff that works very hard, and we all share a mutual respect for one another. I do a great job of making them feel appreciated and needed because I do appreciate them, and I do need them. Mrs. Hoover, my secretary, keeps me very organized and on task up until the minute I leave the building and sometimes even longer than that. I’m a confident guy, and I rarely question my decisions in the office, but Olivia,” he says turning to look at me.
“That’s where it stops. Outside of work I…” Finn’s shoulders slump, and he shakes his head. The next words out of his mouth are spoken so quickly and softly that if I wouldn’t have been looking at him, I would’ve missed what he said.
“I haven’t been on a date in three years.”
Whoa! Did I just hear that right?
Three years?
That’s pretty much all of his adult life.
He can’t be over twenty-five.
The sides of my mouth twitch up slightly when I think about the fact that after a three year dry spell, Finn picked me. Somehow he found me.
Or did I find him?
Stop grinning you goof. He’s opening up to you!
“You find that amusing?” he asks me trying to hide his embarrassment with a smile.
I lean over and softly nudge his shoulder with my own and grin at him. “Yes. No. Keep talking. I’m listening.”
Finn let’s out the deep breath he was obviously holding in. “The thing is Olivia, I had such an awesome carefree day with you. Watching you light up when you saw where we were going, watching you work in your element, doing what you love doing…sharing in your smiles, your laughs, your kiss.” Finn’s eyes fall to my mouth. I bite my bottom lip to keep from smiling too much.
That kiss!
“That means a lot to me, Olivia. Probably more than you realize. It means something to me that you were willing to share all of those parts of the day with me.”
Finn bows his head in defeat. “I guess when we started talking about work I got excited and carried away and didn’t even think about what my proposal must’ve sounded like to you. I’m so sorry.”
I watch Finn as his eyes retreat back to mine. He brings his hand up to my face and brushes a stray hair behind my ear. “When you left, I replayed our conversation in my head over and over, and I get it Liv. You were right. I can see how you felt like I was wining and dining you; but Olivia, I promise you that was not my intention. I never would’ve wanted to make you feel that way, and I am so sorry that I hurt you with that perception.”
I stare at him a moment before I ask what I feel is the obvious question. “Why didn’t you just tell me yesterday when we met, or earlier today? About who you are, I mean?”
“Would you have gone out with me if I had? Would you have even been interested knowing who I was? I don’t always want to be Finn Kellan the CEO with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Sometimes I just want to be Finn, the guy who gets to date the gorgeous girl.”
I consider Finn’s questions for a moment. I knew of The Kellan Agency before our meeting yesterday but obviously didn’t know anything about Finn. I suppose if I had Googled him, I may have learned a few things; but not everything you read in print or online is real, so I usually don’t waste my time.
“I don’t know,” I contemplate. “I know I would’ve still found you unbelievably sexy, but I probably would’ve felt way out of your league. So had I known who you were from the start I guess I probably would’ve tried to impress you professionally instead. And I’m sure no matter what Finn you choose to be, there’s always a gorgeous girl waiting to date you.”
Finn chuckles at my response and shakes his head.
Oh God! I said unbelievably sexy out loud didn’t I?
“You wouldn’t have had to try hard to impress me professionally, Liv. I was already impressed by what I saw in the park, but don’t you see? You admit you wouldn’t have even given me much consideration personally because of who I am professionally.”
I frown at him and am almost ready to argue his point when he continues. “I know I said I haven’t gone on a date in three years, and I’m being honest about that, but that doesn’t mean women don’t try to throw themselves at me whenever they can…and please, I’m not saying that to brag or look even douchier than I already have. I hate when it happens more than anything. Those women don’t know me. They don’t know my past; they don’t know who I really am inside. They see a young, rich guy who might throw his money around on lavish gifts, but all for what, pretend love? I don’t want to live that way.”
His words literally take my breath away. Listening to him is very nearly like listening to my own inner monologue.
Pretend love.
I don’t want to live that way.
They don’t know me. They don’t know my past.
They don’t know who I am on the inside.
My eyes are wide with wonder, and I can feel my head tilting as I study Finn in amazement.
My lips separate and I draw a quiet breath before I say anything. “I get it,” I say shaking my head slowly. “I understand exactly how you feel.”
“You do?”
“Yeah,” I slowly nod my head. “People judge you based on what they think they know, but it’s what they don’t know that really defines who you are. But they’ll never see that side of you because they don’t want to. They see what’s in front of their eyes and not what’s really underneath, in your heart.”
Finn’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and his wide eyes of wonderment match my own as we look at each other. I look down realizing I just let the proverbial cat out of the bag. If he’s perceptive, and I’m sure he is, he now knows I have another layer to myself that I’ve not yet revealed.
“Sometimes I bet you really feel…”
“Alone.” Finn finishes my sentence for me and that is exactly what I was going to say.
Whoa!
Connection!
Finn has baggage...
I blink.
Finn blinks.
His feelings really are sincere, and I feel guilty now t
hat I obviously overreacted earlier; nonetheless, I’m relieved that he gets it and seems to get me. I’m comforted by the fact that he understands my feelings and doesn’t belittle me in any way and actually seems pleasantly surprised that it looks like we have something in common: a defining past that neither of us is ready to share. I don’t wish the feelings of insecurity on anyone; it can be debilitating at times. And the fact that Finn isn’t perfect and doesn’t want to be perceived that way bewitches me. I tilt my head to the side and study him a moment more.
I can’t believe what I’m about to do but it just feels right.
I take his face in my hands as I feel my heart race. I close my eyes and kiss his lips slowly and gently, allowing the warmth to overtake my body. Kissing him makes me feel like I’m snuggling into the warmest and softest blanket. Finn puts an arm on my back to fold me into him and keep me steady, as we share in a lengthy, soft kiss. He is forever a gentleman. When we stop kissing. we’re both flushed and breathing erratically. I rest my forehead on Finn’s.
“Forgiven,” I say to him grinning bashfully after a minute. I lay my hands on his chest, feeling the rigid muscles of his physique underneath his t-shirt. “And I’m sorry again for…”
“No,” Finn stops my lips with his index finger. “You don’t ever need to apologize to me for how you reacted. You were justified. I’m the one who sounded like a complete asshole…and, Olivia, I don’t know that I can promise you that I won’t fuck up again, but I want this with you, a relationship, I mean. Like I said, it’s been a long time since I’ve really paid attention to a girl. I haven’t wanted something like this in a long time, well ever actually, but I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to think before I speak so that I don’t hurt you again. I really like you, Liv. You beguile me. Something about you grabbed me the first time I laid eyes on you. When you’re not around, I can’t get you out of my mind, and when you are around I just want to be near you. I want to protect you. I want to make you feel the way you deserve to feel.”
Flattered doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel that Finn is choosing me. He makes me feel pretty and makes me feel protected, but why has he never wanted a relationship like this before? Has he ever had a long-term relationship?
Who am I to judge? I haven’t had a long-term relationship since high school.
Is his past not a happy one? He seems to have beaten himself up more than I expected over hurting my feelings, but he melted my heart with every word he said. I know if I choose Finn, as he is choosing me in this moment, I will find the answers to my questions. I take a deep breath and follow my heart.
Maybe someday he’ll be the prince that saves me from my own wicked spell.
The Beauty to my internal Beast.
“I like you too Finn, and,” I swallow gazing at him. “I’m pretty sure you beguiled me first.”
I can hear the deep breath that Finn takes before he whispers my name.
“Olivia.”
Our foreheads still touching; he grabs my legs, dangling from the bench, and brings them both up to rest on his lap. I shiver when a cool wind gust blows through the quad. I’m not dressed for any less than summer temperatures, and as we’ve been sitting here, the breeze through the quad has definitely come with a dip in temperature. Finn immediately wraps himself around me to help shield me from the cool air. I relax into his embrace. Both of Finn’s hands are behind me. His left at the small of my back, he moves his right hand to the nape of my neck and guides my lips to his, kissing me a second time. The world around us falls away, and we’re together in a bubble of warm heavenly bliss. I feel Finn pulling me closer to him as if he can’t get me close enough, and something in me explodes. Knowing that this man I’m sitting with cares for me and is showing me his heart and showering me with affection is more than my head and heart can take at one time. I can get used to kissing him. Kissing Finn is nice. Better than nice, actually.
For what feels like long minutes, I lose myself in the feeling of Finn. I think about nothing but the warmth of his body enrapturing mine paired with the sweetness of his breath, the obvious mint he must’ve had on the way over here tonight mixed with the beers I had with him earlier. I feel the electricity on his fingers as he touches me, holds me, but that feeling comes crashing down as soon as I feel his hand move up my body. His fingertips are only centimeters away from the scars on my neck. The proximity scares me because I can’t remember how it feels to have someone else physically touching them. I recoil, bringing my right shoulder to my ear out of habit, squeezing my eyes closed when I realize what I just did.
Shit!
He was just kissing you Olivia!
“I’m sorry; did I hurt you? I’m sorry!” Finn exclaims holding his hands up in front of him like I’m the kissing police. The concern in his eyes is agonizing.
“No. No, you didn’t hurt me at all.” I shake my head. Crushing my eyes closed again, I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Damnit! I’m so sorry, I just…”
“Fuck.” I whisper.
Two hands are on my head softly smoothing my hair back on each side. “Olivia, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Finn’s hands are strong and comforting. He makes me want to relinquish to his soft touch. Kissing him was definitely great, until I screwed it all up.
“No, Finn you didn’t. It’s me. I just…” I take a deep breath and look down too timid to look at him; and quite frankly, I’m just not ready to have this conversation. “It’s just been a while….I guess.”
Maybe I’m really not ready for this.
Maybe I really don’t want it.
“I understand.” Finn tilts my head back to capture my attention. He studies me while stroking my cheek with his thumb. “Olivia, I get that something horrible must’ve happened to you in your past that you’re not ready to talk about, and that’s okay. Hell, it’s okay if you never want to talk about it, but if and when you do, I’m here. I’ll be here.”
How can he read me so well in just a short time?
He kisses my forehead, an affectionate show of compassion. “We all have parts of our past that we wish never happened Liv, and even though sometimes I don’t want to believe it, I have a respect for the saying ‘What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’.”
I look at Finn questioningly. I wonder what he’s referring to. The death of his dad I suppose.
“Yeah.” I take a deep breath. “Stronger, right.” I nod.
He leans forward and places a feather light kiss on my lips and again on my cheek.
“Come on; let me walk you home.”
As we walk back to my apartment, he keeps his arm around my shoulder, stroking my arm now and again to keep it warm.
“So…I know we never really talked about it further,” I start. “And, well…I can totally understand if you would rather I didn’t after tonight, I mean, it’s not very apropos to date your boss and all…”
“Wait.” Finn stops walking and turns my body so I’m standing right in front of him.
“You would consider it? Working at The Kellan Agency, I mean? Is that what you’re asking?”
“Well, I don’t know. I guess…maybe…I mean…you didn’t actually offer me a real position; you just sort of mentioned the possibility. I should probably hear more about the job first, but…”
“But what?”
“I just told you tonight that I liked you. I don’t want to be that girl.” I wince at the thought.
“What girl?”
“The girl everyone in the office thinks is sleeping her way to the top, so to speak,” I say apprehensively.
Finn takes a deep breath and dons a shit faced grin. It makes me chuckle to even consider what he may be thinking about right now. “Well, first, who cares what they think is going on? And second,” he laughs out loud. “You could give sleeping with your boss a try, but then I would be very disappointed to have missed it because I wouldn’t be your boss. We wouldn’t even be working in the same
part of the building. Yes it’s my name on your paycheck, but I actually wouldn’t really be your supervising administrator, well not unless you do something really bad, and I have to get involved. Think of it this way. You’re a teacher who reports to a Principal, and I’m the Superintendent.”
I frown at him, confused. “Oh.” I laugh and smack Finn on his chest playfully. “Okay I guess I deserve that. But Finn, you do understand that sleeping with the CEO of the company you’re working for is sort of frowned upon in most places right? I mean surely you know that.”
“Nonsense. I mean, I do understand that but…wait...did you say sleeping with?” Finn’s eyebrows raise practically off of his face.
Oh Shit!
You and your damn big mouth, Olivia!
“Did I? I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t mean it. Sleeping with you, I mean. I just meant in general. Not that I mean I don’t want…or that I wouldn’t…” I stop talking and cover my face with my hands. “Oh God, this isn’t happening. Shut up, Olivia. Shut up, shut up, shut up!”
Finn laughs heartily at my obvious embarrassment.
“It’s okay, Olivia. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just meant that you haven’t experienced The Kellan Agency yet. The members of my staff are mostly like family. They watched me grow up in my Dad’s office, which is now my office. They all know my mother, and they all knew my….um.” He frowns. “Well they all want to see me happy, and really, you wouldn’t be dating me to get to the top in this business if photography is what you really want to focus on. I don’t do anything cool like that. I just sign my name to a bunch of boring contracts and sit in a bunch of sometimes boring sales pitch meetings.” Finn leans forward and whispers in my ear, “I don’t always get to wine and dine the heavy clients. Sometimes my people have to do that for me.”
