by Susan Renee
“Olivia, I understand exactly what you’re saying; in fact, I could’ve used the same metaphor. You feel like your life is a cluster fuck of colored cubes that just don’t seem to match up.”
I look at Finn stunned. He sees me. He gets me.
“Yeah. That’s exactly how I feel. So, I work hard to get one side to completely line up, and I love it; but as soon as I try to line up another side, I lose everything I had before.”
“Yeah but, Liv, sometimes in order to solve a Rubik’s cube, you have to go backwards before you can move forward. And no matter what, I’ll go backwards with you so that we can move forward together. You don’t have to feel alone anymore. I want to be here with you. You have me. You have my heart. I’m giving it to you. Use it.”
I shake my head slowly. “That could take a long time Finn.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Liv. I just told you that I love you. I’m hardly going to just give up on you.”
Finn pushes me gently back on the bed. He lays down next to me but supports himself on his elbow so that he’s looking down at me. He lightly brushes the hair from my face and kisses my forehead.
“I know something happened to you to cause your scars, Olivia, inside and out. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but I do know that they’ve caused you to feel inadequate just as Sydney did, and I can’t let you feel that way. I can’t bear to see the pain on your face some days, just like Sydney did when she looked in the mirror. Olivia, you’re beautiful. I will always tell you how beautiful you are, even when you’re tired of hearing it. I’ll never ask you to do anything you’re not comfortable with okay? That’s not me, and you know that.”
“I do.”
“Take all the time you need, then. I’ll do whatever I can for you; I’ll protect you, give you everything you need, I just don’t want to lose you, Liv.”
The almost desperate look in Finn’s eyes reminds me of the look he had that first night he stopped by my apartment and saw that I had been crying.
That night…
The texts…
Sydney…
“That night,” I look at Finn questioningly. “Our first date, that night you came to my apartment after I left you in the bar.”
“Yeah you never returned my texts, and I....”
“You thought of Sydney. You thought I might...do something rash?”
Finn shakes his head, his breathing heavy. “Liv, I couldn’t have ever lived with myself if something would’ve happened to you. I saw the scars that first day we met, but I could also feel that you didn’t want me to ask about them, so I didn’t. That doesn’t mean I forgot about them. I knew you were obviously bothered by them or else you would’ve talked about it with ease. I couldn’t have something happen to another girl because of me. I couldn’t leave you alone until I knew you were safe…I just couldn’t.”
“No...no, Finn, I get it. I scared you that night. I’m so sorry! Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been so insensitive.”
“It’s okay. Really. It’s okay; I just need you to forgive me in advance if I seem overprotective of you. I don’t want to smother you or get in the way of achieving your dreams. I just want to keep you safe, and happy, for as long as you’ll let me. I don’t want to lose what we have, what we’re building.”
“I don’t want to lose you either, Finn.”
“Then it’s settled. You’re mine, and we’re together, you and me. I know you still feel like you come from some sort of darkened past, and, Liv, sometimes I feel the same way. Sometimes I have days where the puzzle that is my life feels like it’s falling to pieces; but then I met you, Olivia, and after getting to know you a little bit and falling in love with you, I wonder...if maybe my life is actually starting to fall into place.”
Be still my fluttering heart.
“Those are feelings I haven’t experienced in…well...a very, very long time. I want to spend every day with you. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe without you...I just...I feel like I can be free with you.”
“I love it, too, Finn,” I whisper.
We both smile, and Finn looks around his room for a few moments like he’s considering something before settling his eyes back on me. He rests his hand on my waist pulling me into him so that our bodies touch before he clears his throat.
“Right now...we’re together, in my bedroom, on my bed, and I haven’t brought anyone in here since high school, so you’ll have to excuse me if I take advantage of this situation for just a moment. I really need to kiss the beautiful girl lying next to me.”
“She really needs to be kissed,” I whisper.
“You’re beautiful, Olivia…God, I’m a lucky man,” Finn whispers back to me.
We rejoin the group downstairs as Mandy and Karen are preparing to leave. I remember that Mandy has plans tonight with one of our photography assistants, Kym, and I’m grateful I haven’t missed the chance to wish her good luck.
She approaches me happily as we reach the bottom of the stairs leading into the foyer and hugs me quickly.
“I’m so happy for you, Olivia. Finn’s a great guy. He’ll treat you like a princess,” she whispers in my ear.
As I let go of her shoulders, I can’t hide the elation from my face. I just spent the most wonderful half hour or more with my perfect guy, who just expressed his love for me. He made me feel like a princess. He made me feel like my past didn’t matter, that we were made for each other.
I smile and nod my head in Finn’s direction but keep my voice down so only Mandy can hear me. “He does treat me like a princess. I’m really not sure where I got lucky with this one. I feel like my clock is going to strike midnight at any moment.”
Mandy chuckles as she looks back and forth between Finn and me. “I’ll pinch you all you want, but you’re not dreaming, Liv. I’ve seriously never seen him so…relaxed, content, happy. He’s a catch, and believe me, if you don’t take him, there will be a long line of others who will try!”
My breath catches, and my heart stops. The pang of jealousy and possessiveness rears its ugly head, and I feel heat rise up to my face. No way is some other woman going to waltz in and steal one of the best things to ever happen to me! I take a deep calming breath and raise my eyebrows at Mandy’s comment.
“Well, I guess I better work on keeping him interested then,” I say with a smirk.
“Interested in what?” Finn asks.
Mandy and I burst into a fit of giggles. What Finn didn’t hear won’t kill him.
I wish Mandy lots of luck with Kym and say goodbye to Karen before they both leave to head back to the city. The remainder of the afternoon is spent walking through the grounds of the Kellan estate and relaxing on the patio outside with drinks with Mrs. Kellan and her friends. We planned on staying here in town long enough to see the fireworks tonight. They’re small, nothing like they do in downtown Boston I hear, but it doesn’t matter to me at all where I am as long as I’m with Finn.
“So Finn tells me you’re from New York, Olivia?” Mrs. Kellan asks.
“Yes, I am, but it’s actually only minutes away from the Pennsylvania border. I’m from a very small town called Narrowsburg. Have you heard of it?”
Narrowing her eyes, Mrs. Kellan kindly replies, “No, I’m sorry I haven’t.”
“Oh it’s okay; not many people know about it. That’s what makes it a gem of a place. It’s up in the mountains right on the Delaware River. Always so quiet and peaceful...well, except when a storm rolls through. You can hear the thunder roll down the river valley for miles. It’s spectacular. Its sounds like our own fireworks show.” I smile to myself as I reminisce about my hometown.
“Growing up in a technology age was a bit of a challenge because the cell phone and satellite reception aren’t great up there, too many hills and valleys, I guess. But it’s great for growing up outdoors...especially as an artist. Narrowsburg is one of those towns you want to tell everyone about so they all can witness its beauty but also don’t want
anyone to know about so that it always remains the local cultural gem that it is.”
“Does your town have a Fourth of July celebration? Ours is small, but it’s what we’ve grown to love.”
“Oh, yes, our town throws a celebration for sure. There’s the annual parade, which is about ten minutes long, and in the past used to end with just some guy riding his little lawn mower down the street.” I giggle. I frown, just then realizing I hadn’t seen him at last year’s parade.
“Usually the fire department handles the fireworks display, and we all stand along the bridge leading into town to watch them explode over the river. It’s beautiful every year.”
“Sounds magnificent.” Mrs. Kellan smiles taking in every word. “And your family? Do you have siblings?”
“No, it was just me and my parents as I grew up. My dad is a musician at heart, but he and my mom own a small local art gallery downtown. They feature all the local artists from the area: painters, photographers, sculptors.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful! So, you obviously got your passion for photography from them?”
My mind goes blank.
Memories begin to flood my brain.
“She’ll never be the model she thought she could be now.”
“Nobody would pay to see those scars.”
“I heard they’re all down her body.”
“They can’t hide that with any amount of makeup.”
“Olivia?”
I felt a hand on my leg, and I jumped in my seat as I’m brought back from the trance I had just fallen into.
“What? Oh…I’m sorry, no. Um, well I guess. I mean, I used to dream about modeling but found that I’ve enjoyed being behind the camera instead,” I explain dismissively.
I feel a slight squeeze on my thigh and look over at Finn’s face. His look of concern catches me off guard but only because I didn’t realize I had spaced out. I place my hand over his and squeeze to reassure him that I’m fine. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Finn shrug his shoulders to his mom but I pretend not to notice.
“Well it sounds to me like you’re a perfect fit at The Kellan Agency, and I can see how great you are with Finn. I hope we get to see a lot more of you around here, Olivia, dear. You are always welcome here.”
I smile at her gratefully. “Thank you so much Mrs. Kellan, I appreciate the welcome very much. You have a beautiful home. I love it here.” I lean my head back on my chair and squeeze Finn’s hand as I smile at him. This has been an unforgettable afternoon.
The sun is bright and warm but will be setting soon. Everywhere around us I can see pink, purple, and red tulips and yellow and white daffodils blooming in flower pots outside homes on the lane. Dandelions are sprouting up in the fields across the road. Lawns are green with fresh grass, and the smell of spring is in the air. It has been a gorgeous day, and I’m feeling happy and content with my life. School is going really well. The end of my junior year is approaching, and I plan on hanging out with my girlfriends over the weekend to plan our dresses for the junior prom. Archer, my high school boyfriend of two years, just asked me to go with him, but I haven’t really started looking into dresses yet, though I have some idea of what I’m looking for. I want something strapless to show off my neck, or if Mom doesn’t approve, maybe a one shoulder strap sort of deal.
Max and I leave for our nightly walk down the road and back through the wooded path by my house. It’s our favorite route because many times Max will get a treat from the old man who lives a few houses down, as he often frequents his front porch in the evenings and will watch us walk by. Most evening runners also keep treats in their pockets in the event that they pass a dog along the way. It’s always good to make friends with the animals. Max is such a great companion to walk with at night. It’s our chance to bond every day and my time to clear my head from any stress, but this night - this night stress was the least of my worries.
I open my phone to check my last text message from Archer that reads: I LOVE YOU <3 when I feel the tug of Max’s leash. The force of his pull makes me drop my phone, and I trip and fall onto my left knee scraping it on the pavement. “Fuck! Max!? What the…” I scream trying to look up to see what happened.
Did he get spooked by a squirrel or something?
Instantly my hands get tangled trying to hold on to Max’s leash that is already wound around my wrist. I can feel the nylon cutting into me like a huge serrated knife and feel the tug so strong on the other end that I swear my hand detaches from my forearm. There is nothing else I can say or do before my face hits the pavement.
I can’t let go of the leash. I’m being dragged in circles and then down the road for what seems like miles. When the dragging stops, I am instantly pummeled by animal feet jumping up and down on top of me. WHAT THE HELL? I’m being trampled! OH GOD! WHAT’S HAPPENING? I can feel my skin peeling right off along my right side and burning in pain with every move my body makes against the pavement. It’s like someone is slashing me with tiny razor blades all over the right side of my body and then pushing pebbles inside my already bleeding wounds. I can hear growling and barking, and when I open my eyes, which are swollen and scraped up so badly I can barely see, I do see Max still attached to the end of his leash.
Thank God he’s okay!
I feel the tug and pull as he continues to move and jump and…fight?
“MAX, NO!” I scream as loud as I can, hoping he’ll stop fighting, but I know in my heart he is in protector mode. My eyes quickly focus on the other dog. I don’t know what kind of dog he is, but he’s big. He is definitely bigger than Max and stronger. This dog doesn’t have a leash and obviously isn’t a dog from our neighborhood, and something about this dog has set Max off.
As both dogs fight for position of alpha male, I can’t stay out of their way because my hands are still tied up and twisted in Max’s leash. All I can do is lie there and be trampled by claws or accidentally bitten by Max, maybe the other dog, I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts so damn bad. I think I’m dying.
PLEASE LET THIS STOP!
I try to keep my head down, but every time Max moves to reposition himself, I am dragged along the ground with him. Suddenly I feel claws on my neck and then pressure on my right side, as the other dog uses my body as a springboard in order to jump on Max. I hear Max yelp as he is bitten by his opponent.
“MAX!!” I scream. By now I can’t see a thing, not just because of my swollen scraped eyes, but because of the huge fat tears that are streaming down my face.
“It’s okay, Olivia. I’m here.” Tears are being wiped from my cheek. Pain is searing through my body.
“NO! PLEASE!” I scream.
“Olivia, wake up.” The voice calls to me through the chaos.
I shoot straight up in bed panting and exhausted. Immediately I twist my body to the side to check that everything is intact. I wipe more tears from my eyes shocked that I actually cried in my sleep.
“Olivia? Are you okay? God, you’re sweating and shaking!” Finn says sitting up next to me. He wraps his arms around me, and I sink into his embrace, trying to wake up enough to realize what’s going on. I look around the room a bit disoriented before I finally realize that I’m in Finn’s room, in his bed, wrapped in his arms.
Taking a deep breath I whisper, “I’m okay.”
“Okay? Olivia, you’re shaking. What were you dreaming about?”
“I...umm…” I shake my head, not wanting to tell Finn anything about what just happened to me. “I don’t remember.” It’s a bold lie; I know. I can remember every fucking detail.
Finn’s hands slide smoothly up and down my back calming me down. “Shhh. It’s okay, Olivia; I’ve got you. You’re okay. It was just a nightmare.”
I’m so tired, but I’m afraid to close my eyes. I don’t want the dream to continue. I know how it’ll end, and I don’t want to see it again. I close my eyes, leaning against Finn’s chest, allowing his steady breaths and the gentle pulse of his heartbeat lull me back to slee
p.
“No. It’s okay. I’m good. I’m sorry, Finn.”
I don’t want to talk about it. Ever.
Finn reaches over to his nightstand and hands me the glass of water sitting there.
“Thanks.” I empty the glass in just a few gulps, hand it back to him, and slide back under the covers turning my body away from Finn.
“Come here, Liv. I’m here,” he says cocooning me in his arms. “You’re not alone.” He kisses the back of my head.
“I love you, Liv,” is the last thing I hear, as I slip back to sleep.
13
From: Olivia McGuire
Subject: Thank you
Date: July 7, 2014 9:03
To: Finn Kellan
Thank you, again, for a fantastic weekend. It meant more to me than you could know.
Yours,
Olivia McGuire
Commercial Marketing, The Kellan Agency
From: Finn Kellan
Subject: Always my pleasure
Date: July 7, 2014 9:07
To: Olivia McGuire
Olivia, you never cease to amaze me. I was honored to introduce you to my family. I hope Mandy hasn’t given you too much of a hard time….yet!
Dinner tonight?
Always,
Finn Kellan
CEO, The Kellan Agency
From: Olivia McGuire
Subject: Hard time
Date: July 7, 2014 9:11
To: Finn Kellan
If by a hard time you mean she hasn’t stopped talking to me from her desk even as I sit here emailing you, then yes I would say she’s giving me a hard time, but I can handle her :) Don’t forget I leave for CA on Wednesday morning, so I need to get stuff together and pack tonight, but I could make time for a quick dinner. If I pack tonight I could have all evening tomorrow…
Yours,
Olivia McGuire
Commercial Marketing, The Kellan Agency
