Solving Us

by Susan Renee

  “Anything for you, Beautiful.”

  Moments later, I stand in the kitchen listening as Finn answers the door and greets Toby’s owner and then Toby. Listening to the way he treats his favorite dog makes my heart happy. Thoughts run through my head of Finn responding to his son or daughter in the same manner. He will make an excellent father one day.

  Whoa! Not too soon, Liv!

  I hear Finn talking with Toby’s owner about me before she says her goodbyes and retreats out the door. She wishes us both a calm and relatively uneventful day. I chuckle, understanding her reference to my panic attack the last time I met Toby.

  It’s now or never.

  I want this.

  It’s not Max; it’s Toby. It’s not Max; it’s Toby.

  “Liv?” My head snaps up, and my eyes meet Finn’s, as he stands in the archway to the kitchen. I must’ve let my mind wander. I didn’t hear him walk in.

  “You ready to do this?” he asks calmly, walking towards me, slowly taking my now clammy hands in his. “If you’ve changed your mind, it’s okay. I would understand.”

  I swallow hard and take a deep breath, smiling at Finn with all the bravery I can muster. I feel the anxiety start to build inside me. I’m feeling hot, and my legs are slightly weak, but I stubbornly push it as far down inside me as it will go. I have to do this. I want to do this. I can do this.

  “It’s now or never. Let’s do it,” I say.

  He smiles and shakes his head at my resolve. “You’re so brave, Liv. It’s one of the many things I love about you. Come on.”

  Remaining hand in hand, Finn is by my side as we walk into the large living room where Toby is sitting waiting for us. As we enter the living room, Toby stands up and wags his tail in an excited welcome. Finn raises his right hand, slightly holding his hand up, and as he does, Toby sits down, and a sense of calmness washes over him. As we start to approach Toby, I pull back on Finn’s hand in retreat.

  I don’t know if I can do this.

  He looks so much like Max.

  Why does he have to look like Max?

  Finn immediately lets go of my hand so that I don’t feel trapped, as I take a step back, crossing my arms in front of me.

  “Olivia?”

  “I...I just…” I wipe the one stupid tear that escapes down my cheek. “I just need a minute. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s ok, Liv. You take all the time you need.”

  I close my eyes and lower myself to my knees. Finn lowers himself as well to be by my side.

  “I can do this.” I blow out my breath like I’m pumping myself up to enter the boxing ring.

  “You can do this, Liv. I’m right here.”

  “He’s not Max. He’s Toby. He’s not Max. He’s Toby. He’s not Max. He’s Toby.” I open my eyes, ready to face my fear.

  “Hey, Bud,” Finn says to Toby, running his hands down Toby’s back and scratching him behind his ears. “I have someone special for you to meet. She means a lot to me, so show her your best tricks, okay?”

  Toby licks Finn’s face, which makes me chuckle, chasing away some anxiety. Seeing this strong bond between a man and his dog reminds me again just how attracted I am to Finn. He shows compassion, love, patience, loyalty; these are all the qualities I look for in a husband or a father for my future children.

  “Toby, this is Olivia. Olivia,” Finn looks at me and squeezes my hand. I immediately lower myself to the floor next to him. “This is Toby.”

  As if he understands my hesitance, Toby immediately lays on the floor, putting his head on my knee. It’s a natural gesture to just reach out my hand and pet him like any dog-loving human would. I shakily reach out to touch Toby. When my hand meets his fur, I’m breathing hard and fast like I’m about to cross a finish line. I run my left hand down Toby’s head to his side. He’s soft and warm and comforting, just like Max used to be. I feel the tears spring to my eyes. Not because I feel immensely sad. Sitting here with the man I love and the dog he loves, who looks like the dog I loved, fills me with a sense of peace.

  “Hi, Toby,” I whisper, sniffling back the tears and smiling. I feel Finn’s eyes on me, worried for me. I turn my head to look at him and reassure him that I’m okay. This is nice. As I look away from Toby, I feel his body shift and turn back to see him flipping to lay completely flat on his back with his paws dangling in the air. I laugh out loud, knowing exactly what it is Toby is looking for.

  “Of course I’ll rub your belly, Furball. I bet you love that, don’t ya?”

  It’s easy to love on Toby. It’s way easier than I had anticipated, and I can tell by Finn’s expression that he is just as surprised if not more so than me, at how easy this seems for me.

  After a couple hours of getting to know Toby, and giving him a much-needed belly rub, Finn and I decide to spend the day inside with our furry friend, snuggling and watching television. We sit next to each other on the floor, flipping through T.V. channels until we come across something we could both agree upon, “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban”. It must be a Harry Potter weekend on ABC Family.

  “This one might be my favorite of them all.”

  “Why is that?” Finn asks me.

  “I don’t know. I think I’m just a Gary Oldman fan, and he does such a great job in this movie. What about you?”

  “‘Order of the Phoenix’, obviously,” Finn says quietly. Toby is resting practically on my lap, and Finn hasn’t stopped petting him while he lays here between us.

  “Why do you say obviously? We’ve never really talked about Harry Potter before, have we?”

  Finn is silent for a few seconds before looking at me. “Well, I guess it’s my favorite and least favorite really. It was the last Harry Potter movie Sydney and I saw together. It was also the night of our accident.”

  I had forgotten all about the fact that he had taken Sydney to the movies that night. I want to smack myself for forgetting because now I just don’t know what to say.

  I hear Finn quietly chuckle and shake his head as if he is remembering something. “She used to call herself ‘The Girl Who Lived’. Did I ever tell you that? She thought she was so clever.”

  I smile at the familiar words. “No you never told me that.”

  Mandy did.

  “The girl who lived,” Finn sighs. “Until she didn’t anymore.”

  More silence falls between us as we continue to stroke Toby’s soft fur.

  “I don’t really hate dogs, Finn. It’s just easier to make myself believe I do, so I don’t have to force myself to relive the past, ya know?”

  “Yeah. I get it. I don’t really hate Harry Potter movies. Actually, I loved the first four movies. I wish I would’ve seen the rest of them.”

  “Wait, what? You haven’t seen the rest of the series? You stopped after number four?”

  “Yep. Never had a desire to see the rest after Sydney was gone. Just didn’t feel right seeing them without her.”

  “Finn, I never knew Sydney...but I just have this sneaking suspicion that she would be pissed to know you never went to see the other movies. You did read the books, right?”

  Silence...

  I gasp looking at Finn’s face, which clearly says he has not read any of the Harry Potter books.

  “You know this could be a deal breaker, right? I mean, it is one thing for you to have never seen ‘The Princess Bride’, but to have never read Harry Potter?” I shake my head in playful disgust. “I’m just not sure I can be with you until you sort this all out, Finn.”

  Finn looks at me fiercely. “No, no no, Miss McGuire. You don’t get to get rid of me that easily. I’ll have the fifth book checked out of the library tomorrow.” Finn leans over Toby, who has now woken up between us, and kisses me hungrily.

  “I love you Olivia,” he breathes.

  “I love you, too, Finn Kellan.”

  26

  Six months.

  I’ve been with the Kellan Agency for six months to the day. I love the opportunity for creativity
and teamwork. I love that my client list is growing exponentially and love the working/personal relationships I’ve formed with many of my colleagues. Grace Hoover has become my “work mom” more and more as of late. Her excitement towards Finn and me as a couple is never ceasing. Her pride in Finn is obvious in everything that she does for him, which inspires me to always put him in the spotlight when I can. He deserves the success that he has in this city, and I’m proud to be the woman on his arm and the woman in his heart.

  Mandy and I have become inseparable at work most of the time. At times, I think she looks a little frayed around the edges, like maybe her relationship with Kym isn’t going anywhere, or that she’s not happy with what she does here; but she’s never said anything to the contrary. She’s a good friend to me but seems to be more of a private person as of late, not wanting to chat about her personal life much, which is perfectly fine with me, even if at times it seems our relationship is one sided. The less drama I have in my life, the better.

  Austin Rivers and I have worked together a few more times since the day he carried me home after fainting on my run. He’s a walking contradiction: the tattooed motorcycle-riding bad boy who has a passion for art and photography, and shall I say, all things in regards to the female form. On the inside I know he’s a big teddy bear who enjoys a nice cup of coffee and has had a hard time finding his forever person. I imagine finding the right person is complicated when your outward appearance portrays one persona, but your inner soul is almost completely different.

  Maybe I should put him together with Abby.

  She could easily see through his bad-boy exterior.

  Hmmm, not a bad idea, Olivia!

  Mental note: Austin and Abby?

  Finn and I are happier than ever. I love and respect that he allows me to use my job at the Kellan Agency to push myself further and challenge myself professionally. Our huge pride and joy right now is the pet therapy program at Massachusetts General Hospital. Finn and I have been volunteering our time there in order to get a strong idea of what their program is all about so that we can create for them a stellar new ad campaign. We’ve been volunteering twice each week for a month now. We help recruit newly trained dogs into the program and help sift through applicants to match the dogs to the right patients. We also spend time with many of the dogs at the training complex so that they can feel comfortable with Finn and me as well as the trained staff. I have to admit, after all this time I sort of enjoy having a dog around once in a while. The best part about this experience? Karen Elena is not involved! I finally feel like I can breathe when I work because she doesn’t get to have a say in this project. Thank God for that.

  So, yeah, I love most aspects of my job; but there is one aspect of my daily grind that is really starting to wear on me, and her name is Karen. It’s bittersweet every single day having to wake up for work. I love that it means another day of being near Finn and at the very least, sharing texts and emails throughout the day, if not lunch once in a while. But the other part of me loathes having to walk through the office doors in the morning knowing that I have to deal with Karen’s shit again. I’m not sure how much more I can take of dealing with the stress of her while keeping my emotions in check in front of everyone in the building, Finn and Mandy especially. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough for Karen. She’s backed me against the wall, sometimes literally, on every single project I’ve done here so far. I realize this is my first “real job” in the big leagues, but I’m also not an idiot. I did graduate in the top of my class. I’m pretty sure I understand what I’m doing. I’m not an intern, and I don’t need, or want, Karen Elena as my mentor. I wish I could be brave enough to tell her to back the fuck up and let me do my work.

  “If that bitch asks me to do one more thing for her…” Mandy stomps into the office throwing a file on the table in the back of the room.

  “Uh, everything okay?”

  Mandy sighs and stands with her hands on her hips, looking up at the ceiling, shaking her head. I can tell she’s trying to calm herself down.

  “Yeah it’s just Mom. She’s been a stressed out bitch for weeks, and it’s really starting to piss me off. She’s always asking me to finish her work for her. I’m like that nerdy girl in middle school that everyone wants to have do their homework. GAH! She needs to handle her own shit, so I can handle mine!”

  Ah, speak of the Devil.

  Yes, I’ve decided Karen is the Devil.

  “I don’t understand. What has her so busy? We’re not under any strict deadlines right now. Our projects aren’t due for another couple weeks, or am I missing something?” My heart races for a moment wondering if perhaps I’ve forgotten an important deadline.

  “It’s not work.” Mandy sits on my desk and slumps against the wall to my cubicle. “She’s been taking classes online to earn her marketing photography degree, so she can do more in the company, but she’s behind on her work here, of course. She keeps trying to get me to help her with her class projects so she can focus more here. Really I mean, I commend her for trying to better herself, but ya know what? If she can’t handle the work, then maybe…” She releases the rest of her deep breath.

  I look up from my computer. “Maybe what?”

  “Maybe she should just take some time off. Or maybe she should put her degree on hold. She’s in over her head in so many ways.”

  Isn’t that the truth!

  I wish she would leave me the hell alone, too.

  “What kind of project is she working on?” I’m too curious for my own good

  “I don’t know. It is something to do with Photoshop, or photo editing; something like that. It’s just too time consuming for me to help her with that and get my work done here, know what I mean?”

  “Does she not want to be the accounts coordinator anymore? She wants to start her own business or what?”

  Please let her be starting her own business.

  Get her the hell out of my life!

  “I think she wants to do more of the creative work like we do, ya know? It’s not the mundane paperwork life. We get to be artists, and I think sometimes she envies that. Truth be told, and you didn’t hear this from me, but I think she had an interest in your position before you came on board. She doesn’t have the exact training for it, but she figured it was a logical move for her. I mean, this is a great place to work and gain experience because Finn treats us all with so much respect. We’ve really built a great team here, and Mom just wants to be able to do more, ya know? I think she’s bored.”

  I think she’s a bitch.

  Does Mandy know that Karen hates me?

  Should I tell her?

  Nope. I can’t give Karen that win.

  “So, she wants my job?”

  “NO, no. Not your job per se. Just something different. Hell, I would give her my job if I knew she wanted it that badly. I mean I love it here; I do, but I don’t want to be working with my mother for my entire life. I’ll never feel freed, ya know? I want to live. I want to socialize more and not feel like she’s judging everything I do.”

  “I understand,” I sympathize. “That’s why I left my hometown and came to Boston. It was comfortable being back home, but I wasn’t growing. I wasn’t experiencing anything new or meeting new people. Everyone knows everyone where I’m from. Anyway, I’m sorry she’s stressing you out. If you need help with anything, you know I’m here, right? Even if you just need to drink or vent.”

  Mandy chuckles. “I know you’re really involved with the Mass. Gen project. How’s that going by the way? Mom asked about it earlier.” She stands up and walks back to the table where she dropped the file she carried in but not before I see her cringe.

  I tilt my head watching Mandy curiously as she walks to the back of the room. “It’s going wonderfully, actually. Finn and I are just about ready to finalize our campaign to show to the client. It’s been a fun experience working with them. I’ve learned a ton about pet therapy. It’s a whole world I would’ve never se
en myself in before. What these dogs can do is amazing. And it’s awesome getting to spend so much time with Finn. I mean, I would never ever want to take advantage of his position to further my career, but doing this project with him has helped me get my name out there a little more with clientele. That never hurts, ya know? And I learn so much just watching him do his thing. He’s very good, very competent and confident. It’s attractive.” I can feel my cheeks heating up. I’m obviously blushing.

  Mandy walks back to her desk. “That’s great. Glad to hear it’s almost done, though. I’m sure you’ll feel better when it’s all over, you know, given your fear of dogs and all. I don’t know how you do it.”

  Freeze!

  My body is still. I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Like I just walked into a sauna I’m not ready for; my body starts to sweat.

  Say something Olivia!

  How does she?

  Why would she?

  I never told her about…

  “What? Um, I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about.”

  Good one, Liv.

  Mandy peers over the cubicle wall. “Oh shit! I’m sorry, Olivia. Finn told me a while back about your accident with your dog. I’m sorry I totally forgot to tell you that I knew. Don’t be mad at Finn, though. He was just worried about you and needed to vent one night. He told me what happened with Toby.”

  One night?

  Is that what he did when I was in California?

  He didn’t know the whole story then...

  “Oh. Well, thanks but that’s all in the past now.” I shrug, playing it off.

  “Good! Phew!” Mandy playfully wipes her brow as if she is relieved to hear my news. “I mean, that could’ve been a deal breaker with Finn right there, ya know? That guy loves dogs now that Toby is in his life. He would adopt him in a heartbeat if he could. There’s always something sexy about a man and his dog, am I right?” She chuckles and sits back down at her desk.

  “Yeah,” I whisper to myself since I’m quite certain Mandy doesn’t hear me.

  What the hell was that conversation all about?