Solving Us

by Susan Renee

  Oh God.

  “I’ll always be your little Sydster.”

  I’m weeping. Tears are flowing down my face as it falls into my hands. She’s not gone. She’s right there on the monitor. Like we’re skyping. She can’t be gone.

  “Finn, look at me. Really look at me.”

  How does she know?

  I raise my head slowly and watch Sydney on the screen through the waterfall of tears flowing down my cheek. It feels like Sydney is looking right at me.

  Right into my soul.

  “This,” she says pointing to her face. Her scars.

  “This is not your fault. Do you hear me? NONE of this is because of you. If you love me, you’ll stop punishing yourself for a sunken ship that you were not responsible for sailing in the first place. I know you’ve been trying to protect me. I know it’s why you’ve been coming home more, for me, but you have a life that you need to live. I’m just holding you back from that. Forgive me, okay? And just promise me that you’ll spend your life protecting the ones you love as hard as you can because I know after this, you will anyway. You were the best big brother a girl could ever have. I know you’re going to make the love of your life a very happy girl one day. Please find her. You deserve a happy ending. I’m giving you mine.

  Sydney looks around her room before looking back to the screen in front of her. “Okay, so, that’s it. I’ve said what I needed to say. I’ve been listening to this song for a while now, and I feel like it’s the only song that just...is me right now.” She sighs. “I love you all. I’ll see you all again on the other side. Good night.”

  Sydney walks away from her computer screen and can no longer be seen but a song is playing in the background.

  “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel

  I’m walking into my apartment after a long day at work. I pull off my tie and unbutton my shirt as I walk down the hall to my bedroom. I’m ready to fall asleep next to Olivia, the love of my life. I walk into my room and something feels off. It’s brighter than usual. Olivia usually turns off the bathroom light but tonight it’s on, and she’s not in the bed sleeping.

  “Olivia?” I call out to her.

  No response.

  “Olivia are you here?”

  I know she’s here. Her car is parked outside.

  Something’s wrong.

  I run to the bathroom and slip in a large puddle of water.

  Why is there water all over the floor?

  I look to my right where the bathtub is, and there she is leaning back in the water. Her eyes are closed, and her body isn’t moving.

  I’m soaked. My face is suddenly wet, and I can’t get it dry. I don’t understand.

  “OLIVIA, WAKE UP!” I scream sliding over to the bathtub to get to her. I jostle her body but her head just rolls to the side. “NO! OLIVIA, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!”

  I shake her several times…

  Why isn’t she waking up?

  I feel myself shaking her so damn hard, but she’s not waking up.

  35

  I startle awake when I hear a dog barking. Toby is at my side, leaning up on my bed, licking my face all over.

  Dream. I was dreaming.

  My body is a sweaty mess, and it takes me a minute to figure out that not everything that just happened in my head is real. I take a deep, slow, shaky breath and try to think.

  Olivia isn’t with me because she’s at home.

  I know she made it home safely because Rivers told me he took her home with Abby.

  I’m okay. Everyone is okay.

  I take another huge breath and focus on the here and now for just a moment before reaching over the side of the bed to give my attention to Toby.

  “Good job, Buddy. I’m okay. Thank you for waking me. Good job.” I pull open the drawer to my nightstand and grab a few treats for Toby, a reward for a job well done. I’m glad I’m no longer living in that nightmare.

  The clock on my nightstand reads ten o’clock in the morning, which is late for me; but given that I went to bed so late, I guess I’m not surprised I slept in. I pick up my phone and send a quick text to Olivia to make sure she’s okay.

  Good morning. How are you feeling?

  While I wait for her response, I get up to wash the sweat and dog slobber off my face. It’s the only disadvantage to having a therapy dog. On those rare nights that I do have a nightmare, I wake up with a face full of dog slobber, but given the dream I was having when he woke me, I’m not complaining in the least. I love that dog.

  In need of a huge cup of caffeine, I step into the kitchen to start up the Keurig. Snow is coming down outside. It’s a pretty dusting over the city from my vantage point, but I know it’s supposed to get much worse in the next couple of hours. I need to shower and get to Olivia so that one way or another we’re snowed in together. She can help me figure out last night’s mess. She’s good at helping me focus on my work when I need to, and she always has the best ideas. I don’t care where the work gets done as long as she’s next to me.

  Thirty minutes later, I still haven’t heard from Olivia. I shouldn’t worry about not hearing from her, even though it’s unusual for her to not text me within a few minutes. I’m sure she slept in just as I did but still, she usually checks her phone when she wakes up.

  Maybe she’s in the shower.

  She can’t text from the shower.

  Or, maybe she’s mad at me.

  I didn’t exactly smooth everything over with her last night before she left.

  I’ll be with her soon. Apologies are always best done in person.

  Maybe I should text her again.

  If she’s mad at me, she’s not going to answer my text anyway.

  I shower quickly and get dressed so that I can take Toby out for a quick walk, deciding that if I still haven’t heard from Olivia by then, I’ll head over there immediately.

  The walk with Toby is quick and cold. My face is wind-whipped from the snow blowing around outside. I cover my nose with my gloved hand for a second as we walk swiftly to the front of my building. When I return to my apartment building, Mandy is waiting for me in the lobby holding my black suit jacket from last night. I forgot that I even gave it to her at the end of the evening when she was cold. She’s pacing back and forth biting at her nails like she’s thinking something through, like something is wrong. I’m startled at the sight of her.

  “Mandy? What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah I’m okay but, Finn,” she says almost in disbelief. “Oh God...I think my Mom is behind last night.”

  “What?” I shake my head and chuckle at the absurdity of what Mandy just said, except the expression on her face tells me she’s not joking at all. The small smile slips from my face.

  “Wait,” I cock my head. “What?”

  Mandy explains hastily, “She was going on and on this morning on the phone with someone, and I overheard her, obviously, so I put all the pieces together while I was showering and drove over here as soon as I figured it out. I told Mom I was going out with Kym. Can we talk upstairs? Please, Finn?”

  Karen?

  “Yeah. I’ve got to get to Olivia’s, but Yeah, of course. Come on up.”

  We step onto the elevator with Toby and head up to my apartment. Mandy takes a minute to give some love to Toby while I take off my coat and hang his leash.

  “Do you want some coffee?”

  “Uh, yeah, sure. That would be great,” she says nervously. She sits at my breakfast bar and watches me as I pull an extra coffee mug down from the cabinet. I pour coffee for both of us and stand opposite of her in my kitchen, watching her sip her drink.

  Scratching my head, I say to Mandy, “You’ve stumped me, Mands. I don’t understand how or why Karen would be involved in anything that went wrong last night, so why don’t you just start from the beginning and tell me everything you know.”

  “I don’t know lots of details, but I heard her on the phone this morning. I have no idea who she was talking to but she w
as laughing about last night and what a basket case Olivia was when it all happened. I mean, from the sounds of things, Finn, she was happy that Olivia had such a terrible night. I don’t get it, but before I was about to step into the shower, I heard her say ‘She won’t be coming back’.”

  “What do you mean she won’t be coming back? Who won’t be coming back?” The anger in the pit of my stomach flashes through me to my core; and even though I don’t want it to, for a moment, I actually believe what Mandy is saying to me.

  “I think she means Olivia isn’t coming back, Finn! I don’t know what that means, but I didn’t want to ask her without coming to you first. I didn’t want to raise any red flags in front of her. I didn’t know what she would say or do, so I showered quickly and came here.”

  The clock on my microwave shines eleven forty-five. Time has gotten away from me, and I still haven’t heard from Olivia. That feeling in the pit of my stomach, that at first was anger, is quickly changing to worry. The last few times Liv gave me the silent treatment, she was upset and hurting, and it was all because of me.

  “Shit.”

  “What?” Mandy asks wide-eyed.

  I shake my head disappointed in myself. “It should’ve been me. I should’ve been the one with her last night. I should’ve been by her side the minute everything happened. Fuck! How could I have been so ignorant? Damnit! I was so stupid.”

  “Finn, you can’t blame yourself. Anyone can understand that the Kellan Agency was the first thing on your mind.”

  “But I wasn’t with her, Mandy! I saw the look on Dr. Sparks’ face, and I went into business mode without thinking about Olivia’s feelings. In fact, I practically yelled at her to walk away and calm herself down, but then she never came back. Next thing I know, Riv is telling me that she’s not feeling well, and he’s helping her get home with Abby.”

  Rubbing my forehead with my thumb and middle finger, I whisper, “I didn’t even say goodbye to her. I just let her go so I could do damage control. I was so exhausted by the time I got home, I sent her a text and fell asleep.”

  “So call her,” Mandy says. “Get your ass over there and talk to her, Finn. I’m sure you can iron all of this out. I just don’t know how to find out more details about my Mom. What do I do?”

  “I’ll take care of it. I know a few people I can call to help out where you can’t. But, Mandy, I really do appreciate you coming here this morning. If what you’re saying is even a little bit true, it takes guts to do what you did. Thanks.”

  Before Mandy has the chance to answer, my phone is ringing in my hand. I look down at the screen and see Abby’s name on my caller ID.

  Olivia?

  “Abby?” I answer quickly.

  “What the FUCK have you done now, Finn Kellan?!” She screams into the phone loud enough that I pull my phone away from my ear.

  “I swear to fucking Christ, Finn, whatever the hell you’ve done, you will fucking PAY! I should drive over there and fucking KILL you with my own bare hands. You don’t DESERVE her! You fucking don’t deserve her, you son of a bitch!”

  “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Abby, what do you mean?” I try to speak calmly even though my nerves are on fire hearing Abby’s words. “What happened?”

  “What the fuck do you MEAN what happened? She’s GONE, Finn! Olivia is GONE, and …”

  I hear words coming from the other end of the phone, but I also hear nothing at all.

  Olivia!

  Sydney…no, she’s not. No, she’s not Mom. No, she’s not!

  Oh God!

  I did this!

  Again.

  What have I done?

  “I’m on my way,” is all I can say before I throw my phone into my back pocket, grab my keys and coat, and run out the door. Mandy is right behind me, having overheard my phone call.

  “I’m coming with you,” she says.

  I’m in no mood to argue, so I don’t even blink when Mandy gets into the passenger seat of my car. As I pull out onto the street, sliding in the snow already accumulating on the road, Mandy lays her hand on my forearm and looks at my stoic expression.

  “We’ll figure this out, Finn.”

  The rest of the ride is eerily quiet, so much so that it’s almost uncomfortable. Olivia hates a quiet car. She always has music on, but Mandy knows me well enough to know that I’m in no mood to talk right now.

  Within ten minutes, I’m knocking on Abby and Olivia’s apartment door. When the door swings open, I’m staring at a fuming mad woman who looks like she’s been crying.

  “Where is she, Abby?” I ask immediately.

  “What the fuck did you bring her here for?” Abby asks as she looks Mandy over from head to toe.

  “What? Abby, she was with me when you called. She’s…”

  “So, you just assumed it was fucking okay to bring her here? Of all places? Olivia’s apartment? Are you fucking nuts, or are you just that much of an asshole?”

  What the hell?

  Her words cut through me, and I’m taken aback.

  “Who the hell cares if she’s here or not, Abby? I’m not here for Mandy; I’m here for Olivia. Where is she? Do you know? Tell me everything you know.”

  “Are you fucking her, Finn? Are you fucking this girl behind my best friend’s back?”

  “What? NO! Abby, why the hell would you…”

  “Oh God….” I hear Mandy mumble behind me. I turn around, and she’s covering her mouth with her hand wearing the I-just-broke-my-mom’s-favorite-crystal-vase expression. “Finn.”

  “What, Mandy?” This is getting annoying. “Would one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

  “Finn, Olivia knows. She knows about us.”

  “You’re damn right she knows about you! How could you DO this to her, you piece of shit prick?” Abby is screaming at me with tears streaming down her face.

  “Whoa! Enough, Abby!” I shout at her to calm her down. “Somebody here has some explaining to do because Mandy and I are not an ‘us’. Never have been, and never will be for Christ sake. She’s like my little sister, so TELL me what’s going on, please!”

  Abby backs up into the apartment, and I take it upon myself to follow her in and shut the door. At least now the entire building won’t be privy to whatever the fuck it is that’s about to happen in here. Riv is now standing in the dining room, glaring quietly at Mandy and me as we walk in.

  “This, Finn!” Abby throws a stack of cards my way. Papers? They’re papers?

  No, they’re pictures.

  “There’s no explanation needed, Mr. Kellan,” she spits out. “You’re fucking my best friend’s friend! It’s happened to her all over again; and in one way or another, she fucking caught you, and now she’s gone! I need an explanation, and I need one right fucking now before I seriously come over there and punch you in that perfect face of yours.”

  I slowly go through the pictures one by one, startled and speechless at what I see. Mandy peers around my shoulders and gasps at the pictures I’m looking at.

  “I don’t get it,” she says. “That’s me, and that’s you, but we were never together last night like that. I spent almost the entire evening with Kym.” Mandy looks at Abby, shaking her head in confusion. “Abby, I don’t understand. I was never even around Finn, except for at our table last night when I was complaining…”

  An audible gasp comes from Mandy. “My mother…no…” she draws out. “It can’t be. She wouldn’t…”

  “What?” Abby and I both ask.

  “Finn, remember last night I told you my Mom wanted me to pose for her so she could use me as a model for one her class final projects?”

  She doesn’t need to explain any further. I get exactly what she’s saying. I stare at one of the photos a little closer.

  “She photoshopped these pictures,” I whisper.

  “Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m thinking she did,” Mandy agrees.

  I smirk, looking at one of the pictures in front of me. “She did a sloppy ass j
ob of it, too. Abby look at this.”

  I hold the picture out for Abby to see. She and Riv both lean over to see what I’m pointing at. It’s Olivia’s ring. Her favorite silver ring with the paw print on it.

  “That’s Olivia’s ring,” Abby states. “She wears it all the time. Never takes it off.”

  I nod in agreement “Exactly. Karen Photo-shopped Mandy’s body into these pictures but didn’t bother with appendages, I guess. Maybe she was in a hurry or knew that Olivia wouldn’t look too hard at them, which surprises me given the photographer that she is.”

  Abby is immediately calmer now. “Yeah, well, you stop paying attention when your heart is breaking.”

  “Abby, I know this is my fault, and I need to fix it. I can fix it. When did she leave, and do you know where she would’ve gone?”

  “No. Riv and I went out to get breakfast and do a little grocery shopping before the storm, and when we got back she was gone. All she left for me were these pictures and a note. I have no idea how to find her, Finn, and she’s not answering her phone; and Finn...” Abby walks into the kitchen and reemerges with a small container in her hand. She starts to cry when she looks at me again.

  “The vodka bottle is gone, and these pills were on the floor.” She opens her hand to show a small handful of Ibuprofen.

  No.

  She wouldn’t.

  “You said she left a…uh…a note?” I swallow the knot in my throat.

  “Not really a note, actually. Just two song titles. I don’t get it.”

  “Song titles.” I clear my throat quietly. “That’s how she communicates.”

  Are they meant for me?

  “What were the song titles?” I ask.

  Maybe they’re a clue?

  “Umm, I don’t know. The paper is right here on the counter.” Abby reaches over and grabs the small sheet of paper where Olivia has written two song titles. She hands it to me so Mandy and I can read them.

  As soon as my eyes read the titles, I feel my head slowly turn to look into Mandy’s eyes. I suddenly feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

  My world just came to a screaming halt.

  “No,” I sigh. I can feel the tears burn my eyes. “She wouldn’t. She can’t.” I’m beginning to panic.