Solving Us

by Susan Renee

  “She wouldn’t, Finn. She won’t. She won’t. She won’t.” Mandy is shaking her head vigorously, but all I see is myself standing in my doorway hearing the news from my mother that Sydney is gone. I feel the release of my hot tears stream down my face as I touch the words on the paper in my hands.

  “Human” - Christina Perri

  “And So It Goes” - Billy Joel

  36

  It’s dinner time when I finally pull into the familiar driveway of my childhood. The regularly five-hour trip took me a little over six and a half hours because of the extra snow on the ground. I decided to go north into Albany and down through Poughkeepsie to home, instead of through Connecticut like I usually do. I was able to dodge the heavier snow that way, but still, I’m glad to finally be home as the snow is coming down pretty heavily now. I’m relieved to be away from Boston and from the chaos that is currently my life. Spending a few days with my mom and dad where nobody can get to me puts a calm in my heart that hasn’t been there in a while.

  “Livvy!” I hear my Mom exclaim from the front door. I’ve always felt the warmth in my heart at her nickname for me. She and Dad are the only ones in my family that call my Livvy. She comes running outside to embrace me and help with my bags.

  “Mom, you’re going to catch a cold without a coat on!”

  “Oh don’t worry about me, Sweetheart. I wasn’t expecting you so soon. Are you okay? Where’s Finn? I thought we would get to see him. Is he coming later?

  “Yeah umm, no. Finn didn’t come with me this time, and he won’t be coming later.” I say quietly; my head hangs in shame.

  “Oh, Olivia…” She can see the defeat on my face and the growing bubble of tears in my eyes. She wraps her arms around me in a warm, motherly embrace.

  “Let’s get you and your things in the house. You must be starving after that drive.”

  “I am a little hungry, actually. I was too afraid to stop in this weather, so I white-knuckled it for the last hour of the drive.”

  “Well come on then, Sweetie. Dad’s inside finishing up dinner. We can talk later.”

  I stop just outside the front door and turn back to look at my mom following me in. “Thanks, Mom. I just needed a time out, ya know?”

  She nods and smiles. I can see Grandpa’s face smiling back at me through her eyes. “Everyone deserves a little time out now and then, Olivia. I’m sure everything will work out in time.”

  I’m not so sure this time.

  After dinner, I make my way upstairs to my bedroom to unpack a few of my things. A nice hot bath is calling my name, so I grab my headphones and slip into the bathroom to relax in the tub. I’ve gone all day without contacting anyone about where I am or if I’m safe. When I turn my phone on, I see that I have at least eleven text messages. The only one I can see when I look at my screen is one from Finn that reads

  Please call me.

  At least tell me you’re okay.

  Olivia, not hearing from you is killing me. Please!

  I don’t even want to read the previous ones, so I send them all to my inbox, push my earbuds into my ears, and try to enjoy a relaxing bath.

  Nothing about it is actually relaxing since all of my thoughts are of Finn, and then Finn with Mandy, and then Karen, and then the pictures I saw this morning, and then last night. I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up with it all having been a terrible dream, but it’s not. It wasn’t. This is my life.

  “Do you love him?” My mom asks me quietly. We’re both sitting on my bed, enjoying a warm cup of hot chocolate before I go to sleep.

  “I did love him.” We sit in silence for a long minute before I sigh.

  “I do love him.”

  “Tell me what you love about him. Every time we’ve talked, you haven’t been able to stop gushing about Finn and how well he treats you. I’m not trying to defend him at all, Sweetheart, but there are two sides to every story. So, start with why you love him.”

  That’s easy. I don’t even have to think about my answer. “I love him because he’s not perfect.”

  “Tell me more,” Mom encourages.

  “He’s a man not too much older than me who has a strong head on his shoulders. He’s a hard worker. He knows what he wants, but on the inside, he’s a damaged young man who is still grieving a great loss. He’s a normal person, Mom. He has demons just like I have demons. I love him because he’s not perfect. I love him because…he’s like me.”

  That answer came out of my head way too fast, but all I can think of now are the pictures I saw earlier today. “But, Mom, what about those pictures? How could he betray me like that? And so publically, too? Our night was going so well, and then it wasn’t, and then it was over, and we haven’t spoken since. I feel like the carpet has just been pulled from under me. I don’t know how to get up and keep walking.” I take a deep breath and look at Mom’s face. “I’m not sure if I want to keep walking.”

  “Oh, that’s easy. Of course you want to keep walking, Livvy. If you love him, then you owe it to him to hear his side before you make your judgments.”

  “Why, Mom?”

  “Because,” she smirks shaking her head. “Because men are like dogs, Livvy. They’re usually excited to see you but have no idea what you’re mad about. If you really love Finn, don’t you think you owe it to him to at least talk to him?”

  I chuckle softly and roll my eyes. “You sound an awful lot like Abby.”

  “Well, if that’s true, then it sounds like you have a wonderful friend on your side. A friend who is probably worried sick about you because you have yet to let anyone know where you are and that you’re safe. I hope she hasn’t called the police about you by now with this snowstorm going on. She probably thinks you’re alone in a ditch somewhere.”

  My head snaps up, and I stare at Mom. I never really thought about the fact that I hadn’t talked to her all day.

  “I just wanted to get away without someone trying to talk me out of it, ya know? I just…”

  “You needed a time-out. I get it, Livvy. I do. But, don’t forget that you’re not alone. There are people in your life who love you and care about you and want to know that you’re okay.”

  “Yeah. I hear you. I’ll send her a text and let her know I’m okay.”

  “Good idea.” Mom leans over and kisses my forehead before getting up from my bed

  “Mom?” I ask before she leaves my room.

  “Yes, Sweetheart?”

  “How did you know Dad was, you know, The One?”

  Mom smiles. “I knew your Dad was the one when I still wanted to be with him no matter how bad any argument was. He never had much money. Hell, we were both starving artists, but we had passion and dreams and a healthy drive for what we wanted out of life. He supported my dreams. That’s all I needed. All I ever wanted. Just remember, Honey, that strong relationships, the ones that survive, are built by those who can forgive and by those who don’t keep track of the past.”

  I nod my head, quietly breathing in all of Mom’s advice. I hear what she’s saying. I know in the end I’ll have to talk to Finn, but tonight, tonight I just want to be away from it all. I send a short text to Abby, letting her know that I’m taking a small city break to clear my head and that I’ll talk more when I’m ready. Hopefully she can forgive me for running out on her.

  I need this for me.

  37

  “I have to get to her.”

  “I have to get to her before she does anything stupid.”

  “Fuck! This is on me! I did this!”

  I’m pacing back and forth, talking to nobody, anybody, and myself all at the same time. The knot in my throat is tight, and I’m starting to panic. Mandy, Abby, and Riv are just standing there, watching me like I’m a goddamn freak show.

  “What do you mean, before she does something stupid?” Abby asks. “What is it you think she’s going to do?”

  I don’t even slow down my pace to explain. I hear her questions, but I’m lost in my own puzzle, tr
ying to figure out which pieces I need to put together to make everything right again. I grab my phone from my pocket and send a few more texts to Olivia.

  Liv, I’m sorry! Talk to me please!

  Where are you?

  Are you safe?

  As I’m texting Olivia, I hear Mandy explaining my worries to Abby.

  “Before Finn’s sister committed suicide, she played that Billy Joel song in a video blog,” she says softly.

  There’s a gasp, and Abby is quickly at my side. “Finn, did Olivia know that? Did you ever tell her that?”

  “No. Never. We’ve never….” I take a deep breath to steady my panicking nerves. “We don’t talk about Sydney much. She knows I don’t like to talk about it. Look, Abby, I’m sorry, but please.” I stop pacing and take Abby by the shoulders, looking into her eyes with every bit of desperation I have. “Help me help her!”

  “I really don’t know where she is, Finn,” she says, shaking her head sadly. I watch a tear fall down her cheek.

  “Can you think of anywhere she would go?” I look around the room. “Mandy? Riv? You guys have any ideas because damn if my brain isn’t giving me anything but a clusterfuck of panic and fear right now. I really need your help.”

  “She wouldn’t go to the office, would she?” Mandy asks.

  “Where is she from?” Riv asks looking at everyone.

  “Umm, a small town in New York.” Abby shakes her head and narrows her eyes. “Narrowsburg? It’s pretty far away, though, like five hours or so and with this storm, I can’t imagine she would go there.”

  “How can I find out? Do you have a number?” I don’t have time to guess or assume. I need to find out for sure.

  “Yeah, I have her parents’ number written down somewhere, but Finn, we can’t just call them!”

  “Why the hell not?”

  Of course I can call them. Is she nuts?

  “Because even if she did decide to go there, she wouldn’t be there yet, and if her parents don’t know she’s coming, we’ll cause a major panic when we call there looking for their daughter, who they believe is here in Boston!”

  I didn’t think of that.

  “FUCK!” I shout.

  “What am I supposed to do? I can’t just sit here while she’s out there!” Why do I have to feel so goddamn helpless?

  Riv puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes in support. “Finn, man, the snow is coming down way too hard for you to go anywhere. You’re probably better off just staying here. Wait it out until we hear something, don’t you think? I mean maybe she just went to a hotel for a night. Maybe she just needed to be alone for a while.”

  “It’s the alone part that scares me.” I look to Abby who is watching me with a concerned look in her eye.

  For me?

  For Olivia?

  “You know what happens when she’s stressed and alone,” I say quietly to her. “I can’t just do nothing.”

  She tilts her head to the side, studying me for a moment. I hear her breath hitch and look at her knowing that she’s about to say something.

  “You really do love her don’t you? I mean, you really love her.” She says it like she can’t believe she’s saying it. I don’t get that, but hell if I don’t love Olivia with all that I am. I would die for her.

  “I want her to live with me,” I say quietly enough that maybe I’m just talking to myself. “I want to grow old with her. I want to adopt dogs and train them with her. I want to share all that I have with her. Yes, I love her, Abby. I’m so in love with her, and I have to make sure she knows that. I have to tell her. What if she doesn’t know it enough? If she does something…” I choke up and feel warm tears slip down my face. “I would never forgive myself.”

  Abby approaches me slowly, keeping her narrowed eyes on me the entire time like I’m some sort of alien or something. I don’t get it, but when she reaches me, she lifts up on her toes and wraps her arms around my neck in a comforting embrace. At first I don’t move because this is unexpected. I look over Abby’s shoulder to Riv and see him nod before I wrap my arms around Abby and hug her back.

  I haven’t felt this vulnerable in years.

  Since Sydney left me.

  “She’s not Sydney, Finn.” Her words slice through me, causing me to release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I squeeze Abby tighter and allow myself for just one moment to be comforted. “She’s much, much stronger than your sister was, and I say that with the utmost respect. She loves you, too, Finn. I know she does, but she’s hurting right now. There’s a lot that you obviously don’t know.”

  I let go of our embrace and back up enough that I can see Abby’s face. “About what? Abby please, please tell me what’s going on.”

  I see her eyes shift to Mandy and back to me before she answers me. “Are you sure you want to talk about this with her here? Her mother hasn’t exactly been a stellar employee where Liv is concerned.”

  What?

  “My mother is a bitch, and I’m finding that out more and more as these days progress, so please, don’t hesitate to hold anything back in my regard. Olivia is my friend, and Finn is the brother that I never had and…”

  Abby gives Mandy a questioning lift of an eyebrow.

  “Yes, I know,” Mandy says rolling her eyes. “We slept together. It was one time, and it was years ago after his father died, okay? I tried to tell Olivia that it was nothing more than a night of too much drinking and a lot of grieving. We’ve all done stupid things in our lives that we regret, and I’m pretty sure I can speak for Finn when I say that was one of them, but we can’t take it back. It didn’t mean what Olivia thinks it meant. I’m in love with a woman for Pete’s sake, so please, please help him get the girl because we all care about Olivia, and we want to see her happy, too.”

  Abby slowly nods her head, and I silently praise her for being an understanding human being who can follow the truth in a stressful situation. She could’ve kicked us both out a long time ago, but we’re still here, thank God. The only other place I would rather be is with Olivia.

  Lying next to her.

  Holding her in my arms.

  “Okay, we should sit down. There’s a good bit I can tell you since I’m almost certain Olivia hasn’t already.”

  Stupid Boy - Keith Urban

  I still haven’t heard from Olivia, but after talking to Abby for the last hour, it’s the first song that comes to my mind, so I text it to her. She communicates best through song lyrics, so I’m praying that my texts are getting through to her and that she’ll find it in her heart to forgive my ignorance. If she had just told me what was going on at work, I could’ve helped her. I would’ve helped her.

  I can help her now.

  The snow is coming down pretty heavily, but I decide to brave the weather and take Mandy home so that I can see and speak to the one person who, for some reason, is single-handedly trying to ruin my life.

  38

  I enter Mandy’s childhood home, reminiscing as I do about some of the happy times our families spent together. There are pictures on the walls in the foyer of our two families together, of Karen and my mother, and of Mandy, Sydney, and me as we were growing up. I don’t fully understand Karen’s motives for doing what she’s done to Olivia, or to me for that matter, but it infuriates me most likely because it saddens me to my core. Olivia is a gentle soul. I know she wouldn’t hurt a fly, so to think that someone out there has been bullying her right under my nose disgusts me. What’s more is that once I’m done here, I’m going to have to break the news to my mother. I’ll be breaking her heart. As if she needs that to happen again in her lifetime, but in this case, I have to do what has to be done.

  We walk towards the kitchen where I hear Karen talking on the phone. She’s laughing. “It’s almost too easy. She had it coming…yeah I know...will do. Thanks for your help. I’ll keep you posted. Goodbye.”

  Going along with Mandy’s plan, I stand back in the foyer for a moment and watch as she enters the kitchen, cleari
ng her throat as Karen ends her phone call.

  “Oh! Sorry, Sweetie. You scared me. I didn’t know you were there.”

  “Hi, Mom,” I hear Mandy say. The sound in her voice makes me sincerely believe that she’s about as pissed off and hurt as I am. She’s a better actress than her mother. “Who were you talking to?”

  “Oh, that was just Greg from the IT department. He just had a server question for me.”

  “Oh I didn’t realize you talked to him often. Didn’t you tell me he’s the one I needed to steer clear of because he’s a...how did you put it...a perverted slime ball?” Mandy chuckles.

  “Yes, the very same, but he’s had a ridiculous crush on me for years, so I use that to my advantage when I can.”

  Ew.

  “How’s Kym? Did you guys have a good time this morning?” Karen asks disinterested.

  Does she not like Kym either?

  “Yeah. Yeah we did. We went to Starbucks this morning to grab a cappuccino. It was busier than we expected with all this snow. Oh, and oh my God, I almost forgot to tell you! We ran into Olivia while we were there. Poor girl was a hot mess. It was obvious she had been crying. Last night really fucked with her, I think. She didn’t seem to want to talk to me since Kym was with me. She just got her stuff and left.”

  There’s the info to light Karen’s fuse. “Tears, huh?” I hear Karen chuckle lightly. “Mandy, last night didn’t fuck up Olivia; Olivia fucked up last night. Plain and simple. I’m sure Finn is ready to have her head, as he should, as far as I’m concerned. After her mess of a presentation last night, Finn has no choice but to let her go. After all, the company’s reputation is at stake. We can’t have someone who fucks up that big stay with us when she’ll most likely just do it again. She’s a liability. He’ll finally see that I’m the one who should’ve had that job all along. I have way more experience, and I know how to get the job done.”