Solving Us

by Susan Renee

  I throw my phone down on my desk and continue to search a bit online for the perfect Christmas gift for the girl I love. I spend the next few hours searching one website after another before I find exactly what I was hoping for. It’s so perfect; I couldn’t have designed anything better myself. I jot down the phone number of the store in Manhattan so that I can make a phone call first thing in the morning. I close my laptop and find a pair of pajamas in my dresser drawer. I chuckle, hearing Mom’s voice in my head always telling me to leave a few essential things here because “you never know.” I hear my phone beep while I’m brushing my teeth, but I don’t run for it, assuming it’s Abby. Seconds later, the wind is knocked out of me when I look at the incoming text.

  Olivia!

  Liv: Broken Ones - Jacquie Lee

  Oh, God! I haven’t lost her!

  She’s alive!

  There’s still hope!

  I’ve never heard of the song title she just sent me, so I bring it up on my Spotify list and listen to it before texting her back, so she knows I received her message.

  Please don’t run.

  I love every piece of you even when you feel broken.

  Sleep in peace, beautiful girl.

  I love you.

  Hearing from Olivia tonight has finally helped to calm my nerves. Laying in my bed, I stare at my ceiling and try to clear my mind of the day’s events. It’s been a fucked up twenty-four hours, and I’m aching to see Olivia, to fix her broken pieces. I put my hand down over the bed to pet Toby, as I’m used to doing when I’m falling asleep, only I realize Toby isn’t here. I’m not at my house. I had Mrs. Pritchard pick him up earlier this morning.

  Toby…

  It’s too perfect!

  It could be too much...

  It’s a great idea, though!

  With that final thought, I smile to myself, say good-night to Olivia in my head, and fall fast asleep.

  40

  These last three days at home have been comforting hanging out with Mom and Dad. The house all decorated for the holidays always brings back feelings of nostalgia. The holidays are usually my favorite time of the year. Mom singing with Karen Carpenter while she bakes and wraps, and Dad working in his rehearsal room with “A Christmas Festival” blaring through his Bose speakers. I always enjoy wrapping up in a blanket on the couch, watching whatever ABC Family has on during their 25 Days of Christmas marathon. Having just watched the end of another Harry Potter movie, it dawns on me that I never did follow up to make sure Finn read the next book. I shake my head chuckling to myself that I allowed him to get away with it.

  “Something funny, Livvy?” Dad says with his eyebrows raised in question.

  “Nah. I was just thinking about...well...something Finn and I…” I trail off, not really knowing what to say and least of all to my dad.

  He sits down on the coffee table in the living room, facing me. “Have you two talked?”

  “No. I mean, we’ve texted once or twice but that’s it. I think…” I sigh. “I don’t know; maybe I just needed a break. I’m just not sure what to say to him at this point, Dad. I’m not sure I’m the one he wants.” I look down at my hands watching my fingers turn the ring that I never take off around and around. Dad sees it, too.

  “Look, Livvy, I don’t always seem to know the right things to say when it comes to my daughter and relationships. I’m supposed to be the dad that scares the guys off and keeps them away, until you’re at least thirty.”

  We both chuckle as I look at my dad adoringly. He’s such a protector.

  Like Finn.

  “But then I look at you, Livvy, and you’re missing something. Something I’m not sure you realize you’re missing because you’ve spent a great deal of your adult life not looking for it and not wanting it…or maybe not feeling like you deserve it.”

  My eyes start to water. I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through, so the very second he starts to say something emotional, I have a hard time holding myself together.

  “But, Livvy, Babe, you do deserve it. You deserve to be happy like your mom and me. You deserve a life. You deserve a future. And I know we can’t always be the master of our own fates, and we don’t always know what’s behind the door that opens for us, but you know what I do know?”

  I grab a tissue and wipe the tears that are now running down my face. “What, Dad?”

  “I know he’s looking for you. I know he knows you’re here, and I know he wants to get to you very badly. I have to imagine if he has to drive a snow plow up here from Boston, he’s probably planning his route right now.”

  I shoot my dad a shocked glance not quite understanding what he’s saying. “What do you mean he knows I’m here? I never told him that.”

  “Abby sent your mother an email. That’s how we know he’s looking for you. You won’t return his calls, and I suppose you have your reasons for that, so I’m certainly not going to pressure you, but at least now you know he’s trying to walk through snow and ice to get to you. Don’t forget that.”

  He is?

  What could he possibly have to say?

  “I won’t. Thanks, Dad.”

  “Anytime, Sweetheart. It’s not often that a dad gives his daughter a thumbs up on going after the guy, ya know.”

  Again, I laugh through my tears and blow my nose. “I know, Dad. I hear you. I just have to figure a few things out.”

  “And you will, Livvy. You will. Why don’t you get out for a few hours? Riverfront Books is open now that the roads are clearing up a little. And you love K.B.’s cappuccino. Maybe you’ll think of a good Christmas gift for Finn while you’re out.” He kisses me on my forehead and winks at me before heading out of the room. “You can sit here all you want and mope over not getting him a gift, but I know you, Livvy; and I’m one hundred percent certain you have had a plan for a long time in that beautiful head of yours….so go do it. Go get it. Whatever it is you want to do. You’ll feel better, whether you see him soon to give it to him or not.”

  When he leaves, it only takes a moment before my eyes grow big and a sincere smile inches up my face. My dad’s right. I know I could stay here and live the lonely life in a small artsy town, but I’ve been there, done that. That’s why I left in the first place. I run up to my room and grab my camera that has been stuffed in my bag. If I’m going to spend time by the river, I may as well take advantage of the gorgeous scenery. I say goodbye to Dad and let him know I’ll check in at the gallery where Mom is working for the afternoon.

  Narrowsburg being the tiny town that it is, it only takes me four minutes to drive up town and park along the street near Riverside Books. The roads are surprisingly clear for the winter storm that just walloped the area, and I quietly wonder to myself how the roads are in Boston. I check my cell phone out of habit. Or maybe out of anxious hope? Finn has texted a few times, but other than that, he hasn’t said much in the last day or two.

  Maybe he’s letting me go.

  I don’t want to be let go.

  The sleigh bells ring against the door when I enter Riverside Books, the only bookstore in town. It’s not much, but when they don’t carry what I’m looking for, they’ve always been good about ordering things for me. I know I could order off of the big box stores online, but I like to keep my business local whenever I can. I’ve watched Mom and Dad lose business to the big bad internet; and although I know my parents just need schooled on social media and online sales, something I hope to be able to provide them, it feels good to support the local families trying to make a living in this small town.

  “Olivia! It’s so good to see you! I didn’t know you were back in town!” It’s Mrs. Michaels, Archer’s mother and owner of the book store, standing at the counter as I walk in. I should’ve remembered she worked here, but it totally slipped my mind. Ugh, she’s the last person I want to see, let alone talk to right now. She smiles and comes around the counter to give me a hug. “Are you here for the holidays?”

  I hug her back with no enthusia
sm. Her son was a cheating douchebag.

  Maybe his mom never knew?

  Wouldn’t I love to let that cat out of the bag?

  “Um, yeah. I guess so, yeah. Just for a few days anyway.” I do not want to stand here and have a conversation about why I’m really back in town. But since I really don’t have a plan, I guess I’m not lying when I tell her I’m here for the holidays. I can go with that story. Mrs. Michaels is one of the town gossips. She knows everyone’s business, so I’m praying that Mom hasn’t already talked to her, or that maybe this time Mom has enough sympathy for me to not bring up my love life or lack thereof.

  “That’s great, Olivia. I’m so glad you stopped in. If Archer were in town, I am positive he would love to see you, but he’s stuck in Manhattan until at least Christmas Eve.”

  Good.

  He’s the last person I want to see.

  “Oh, that’s too bad. Actually I stopped in hoping you might have the Harry Potter series?” I quickly change the subject.

  “Of course we do! After all this time, it’s still one of our biggest sellers!” she exclaims with pride as she swiftly walks down the appropriate aisle.

  “Great. I need the entire series, please, if you have them all.”

  Mrs. Michaels looks at me in surprise. “You mean, you’ve never read the Harry Potter series? I didn’t think there was anyone in this town who hadn’t read them except for the younger children.”

  “Oh no, these aren’t for me. I’ve read the whole series more times than I can count. They’re a Christmas gift for...a friend.”

  Damnit, Olivia, you paused!

  “Ooh...a boyfriend?” she asks, almost too interested.

  “Um, just a friend. My best friend, Abby, actually,” I lie. I really don’t need to give Mrs. Michaels fuel for her fire. “When I found out she hadn’t read them yet, I told her it might be a deal breaker on our friendship!” I wink at her so she knows I’m kidding.

  “Well I think this is a great idea then, Dear. I’ll get you all checked out.”

  “Thank you.”

  I grab my bag of books, smirking to myself knowing that I just totally lied to Mrs. Michaels and don’t feel the least bit guilty about it, and knowing that if and when I see Finn again, he’ll get a kick out of this gift. I’m temporarily brought back to my solemn self when I realize my being back here and not in Boston impedes my ability to follow through with the other part of Finn’s gift I had planned. I suppose, for now, maybe it’s for the best since it was going to be a joint gift of sorts anyway. I’ve caused Finn enough stress. I certainly don’t want what I considered a thoughtful gift to cause any more stress for him. This will have to do for now. Back out on the street, I place the bag of books in the trunk of my car and walk down the sidewalk towards the gallery to say hello to Mom.

  When I walk in, I see her assistant, Krista, wrapping up a few paintings to ship out. That used to be my job as I was growing up in high school. I smile remembering every step and watching Krista to make sure she does it right. Mom was always a stickler for details.

  “Hey, Krista! How are you?”

  “Olivia! Your mom said you were in town for a few days. I’m great! It’s good to see you.”

  “Thanks. Yeah, I’m just in for Christmas,” I think I lie again. “Just stopped in to see Mom. Is she in her office?”

  “Oh, no actually, she’s not here. She was here, but she’s um...running a few errands she said. I think the post office, and the bank, stuff like that.” She shrugs.

  “Okay.” I nod. “Well, I’m just going to take a walk to the bridge to get a few pictures. Will you tell her I stopped by, and I’ll see her tonight?”

  “Sure will, Olivia! Have fun out there. It’s a beautiful day for picture taking!” She winks at me.

  I chuckle as I wave to Krista on my way out. I wrap my scarf around my neck and continue my walk down to the green Narrowsburg Bridge connecting the town to Pennsylvania. This area is one of the best for catching some great photo opportunities. With an eagle’s nest close by, I’ve always considered myself lucky to catch one flying in or out. I spend about an hour walking through town and down along the river before the wind picks up and starts stinging my face. I’m ready for some heat, so I make the trek back up the hill to K.B.’s Pit Stop for a hot drink and a sweet treat before heading home.

  Sleigh bells once again hit the door as I step inside. Even when decorated for the holidays, I love the ambiance of K.B.’s Pit Stop. The decor around the shop is all antique race cars, old posters of racing events, and every table is adorned with a checkered flag. I smile at the Christmas tree in the corner decorated with car ornaments. It was one of my favorite places to hang out growing up and is still one of my favorite places now. I walk to the counter and order a hot chocolate and an orange-cranberry muffin from the young barista, whom I do not recognize. I guess it’s nice to be home for a bit and not run into everyone that I know. Since it’s the middle of the day, there aren’t many people hanging around. Other than two other people in line behind me, there is just an older couple in the corner playing checkers while they sip their coffees.

  I choose a table near the back of the store where I can snuggle into a cozy booth. I sip my hot chocolate and close my eyes for just a moment, allowing my body to warm up and relax. The smells of orange spice and nutmeg are plentiful throughout the store. Kristy, the owner of the shop, does a lot of extra baking during the holidays for local parties and events. Sitting here feels almost like sitting at home in the kitchen with Mom. The music piping through the shop speaker seems to be a mix of holiday and secular music. I know when I walked in I was hearing “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” playing, but now I’m hearing “Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop” by Landon Pigg. I shake my head at the oddity of what is most likely Kristy’s iPod on shuffle; nevertheless, this song sobers me and saddens me. Ironic that the song is about falling in love at a coffee shop, yet here I sit, alone and isolated from the world I was thriving in only four days ago.

  Trying to ease the sting of this stupid song, I grab my camera out of my bag and click through the many photographs I took outside. Sleigh bells sound a few more times as the hustle and bustle picks up slightly around me while I enjoy some quiet time. Before I unwrap my muffin to dig in, I bring my camera to my face turning my lens to focus in on the beautiful snowflake-like sprinkles decorating the food in front of me.

  “So it really is true. You do always take pictures of your food.”

  I know that voice.

  I don’t even have to move the camera from my face.

  There’s no way.

  “Olivia,” he breathes.

  I’m frozen. A million thoughts are infiltrating my brain at this very second, and I’m not sure which one to latch on to. I can’t move the camera from my face. I feel hot tears wanting to emerge from my eyes, but I force them back with a gigantic gulp.

  Why do I feel so anxious right now?

  “Olivia, please, Beautiful.” He kneels down right by my side placing a hand on my camera helping me lower it to the table. I feel one lone tear escape rebelliously down my face and try to swipe it away.

  “No. Don’t,” Finn says. “Olivia, I need to see this. I need to look at you, please. Just…you don’t have to move or say anything. I know what I’ve done to you. I know you’re hurting, and I know you may not ever be ready to forgive me, but please just let me look at you and, and know that you’re alive, and you’re okay.”

  I sit quietly for a second, mulling around his words, while he stares at me. The memory of just a few days ago, standing in my apartment by myself, having my heart ripped out of my chest with just a few photographs and a note from Karen, makes my stomach queasy. I no longer want my muffin, and I can’t stop the tears that I thought I was strong enough to keep at bay at least until I got out of this place.

  “You love her.” I choke on my words.

  “What? Love who, Olivia?”

  I slowly raise my head, quiet tears streaming dow
n my face. I’m silently thanking myself for at least choosing a booth in the back and out of the way.

  “Mandy. You love her, Finn. I’m sorry for the mess I caused you, but you could’ve at least told….”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Olivia, stop. Wait. You have it all wrong.” He smiles pleadingly. “Olivia, yes of course I love Mandy. She’s my sister’s best friend and is basically a sister to me, too. I will always have a place in my heart for her, but that’s it. Olivia I love you. It’s always been you, Beautiful. It will always be you.”

  I watch as he reaches into his inside jacket pocket and lays an envelope in front of me. I recognize it right away. It’s the envelope that Karen’s note and pictures are in. I turn my head away from the pictures and from Finn instantly. I have no interest in subjecting myself to that pain again. I can’t.

  “Fuck. Damnit,” Finn whispers to himself. “No, no. Liv you have to look. I have to show you. They’ve been photoshopped. Karen photoshopped these pictures, Olivia. She knew after that night that you would be too upset to look closely, and oh my God, how I wish you would have because I wouldn’t be kneeling here right now having to watch you go through all this pain; so you have to look. It’s the only way you’ll believe me. I’m sorry, Beautiful, but please. Please for me, look at them one more time. Look closely.”

  I turn my head slowly and see the pain and the desperation in Finn’s eyes.

  He wouldn’t travel all this way if he wasn’t serious.

  Listen to him, Olivia.

  Hear his side first.

  Finn hurriedly pulls out a few of the pictures and points to the girl he is standing with. “Look Olivia do you see? This picture isn’t real. It’s been altered. Yes, that’s Mandy, but look at her arm and her hand. Do you see?”

  The bracelet I was wearing that night is on Mandy’s wrist, and on her finger sits the small silver band I have known for the last eight years.

  “My ring.”