“It’s just the way it is between us.”
“What happened to you, Dec?”
I frowned at the way she said the words, as though my not being pissed at him was something terrible. “What do you mean what happened? I’m living my fucking dream.”
She nodded and her lip quivered. “Of course. How could I forget?”
Turning away from me, she ended the conversation.
After a while, she sighed and reached for the box of pills. She slid out one of the blister packs.
“I’d really rather you didn’t do that,” I murmured before she could pop the tablet out onto her hand.
“Like I said before, it’s hardly your business. I don’t see why it matters to you. It doesn’t affect your dream after all.” She was clearly exasperated with me. I wasn’t sure I could blame her.
“Because I have a problem with gratuitous drug use.” I didn’t feel ready to spill all the gory details. She didn’t need to know them. Considering I’d likely never see her again after we stepped off the plane, there was no need for her to ever know. “Those things are addictive.”
“Well, it’s my body.”
“Your body is a temple.” The instant the words were out, I realised the possible double meaning. Holy fuck—I did not just say that to her.
“Really? Well, I can see how well you treat your temple.” She pointed to the magazine cover. “I guess you practise open worship?”
Now it was my turn to blush. “Fuck! You know what? Whatever. Do whatever the fuck you want,” I muttered as I turned away from her again.
The silence enveloped us both. It called to me, tempting me to say something more and not just let the moment rest.
With a sigh, I turned back to her. “What I meant is that you’ve got to look after your body. Too many of those things and you won’t be able to get sleep naturally.” I should know, I added in my mind. “Why don’t you at least wait? You can’t need sleep, it’s still only morning. I promise that even though you’re stuck here next to me, I’ll try and keep out of your way as much as I can. If you really can’t sleep later, take them then.” I was beginning to ramble. Not good. “Just don’t use them only to avoid talking to me.” Please? I couldn’t voice the word; she didn’t owe me favours.
She didn’t answer, but she did lean over to her bag, I assumed to put the pills back away. I smiled slightly at my small victory.
“Thank you,” I said.
She nodded, but rubbed her fingers against her temples. Her eyes seemed damp, her lashes sticky. The sight burned my insides. Something was wrong, and I wanted to question her about it. She didn’t owe me an explanation though, and to ask for one would just open up a can of worms too big to be able to close again after the end of our journey.
“Are you just going to Hong Kong?” I asked after a brief pause.
She shook her head. “London.”
My heart leapt at the word, even though it shouldn’t have.
“You?” she asked a moment later.
“Same.”
“Do—do you think we’ll be sitting together on the next flight?”
I couldn’t tell whether her tone was hopeful or fearful. My throat was sticky and dry as I grabbed my boarding pass for the next leg. “Only one way to know.”
Instead of demanding that she show me hers in exchange, I just handed my pass over to her. She compared it to her own and frowned. I wondered whether the frown was because she wouldn’t be seated next to me, or because she would. I was almost afraid to ask, but I needed to know. Maybe she wouldn’t be beside me. My chest ached a little at the thought of losing her so soon.
“So?” I found the word eventually.
With shaking fingers, she handed the boarding pass back to me. “Looks like we’re in this for the long haul.”
Her words dredged up ancient memories of the reasons I’d left Brisbane. I hadn’t wanted the long haul—I’d wanted the freedom to pursue my choice in career. As if her words had reminded her of similar things, she wrapped her arms around her legs and stared out the window.
We sat in silence for a while. I was doing my best to fulfil my promise of pretending I wasn’t there, but it was impossible. The familiar bubble which always seemed to encapsulate us whenever we were alone was back in force, pressing on me and urging me to speak to her. While I sifted through topics, trying to find something that might be safe to discuss, I remembered something. A curiosity. Josh’s words at the airport. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it nudged back. Finally, after who knows how many minutes of silence, I turned back to her.
“Who’s Phoebe?”
She looked at me with wide, startled eyes. Her hands traced into her long, dark locks before finding the ends. Her breathing sped as she twisted her hair relentlessly around her fingers. “What?”
“At the airport, when you were leaving the newsagency, Josh said something about a Phoebe.”
Alyssa’s gaze darted away from me as if searching for an escape. “She’s . . .” A sigh crossed her lips and she closed her eyes. “No one you know.”
I could tell that Alyssa was going to say something else before her evasive answer, which piqued my curiosity even more. “Is she like a girlfriend or something?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Declan. I was so ruined after you, I knew no men would ever compare, so I turned into a lesbian.”
Even though I knew she was being sarcastic, a part of me was turned on by the thought of Alyssa with another girl. I’d had enough experience with multiple girls to know how hot it could be—especially if it was Alyssa.
Stop! There was no doubt if I lingered on that image for too long, I’d be in urgent need of a trip to the loo.
“No, I meant of Josh’s,” I said.
She laughed.
“What’s so funny about that question?”
“I just couldn’t imagine Josh dating.”
My confusion must have been clear on my face.
“He’s married. Has been for about three and a half years now.”
“What?” I couldn’t deny that her revelation surprised me. He’d been dating a stuck-up cow the last time I’d seen Alyssa. He must have moved on pretty quick, unless . . . “To Ruby?” I asked incredulously.
She smiled. “The one and only.”
“That sucks for you.” Alyssa and Ruby had never gotten along.
“Actually, not really. She and I get along great now.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, apparently she used to question my taste in men. She doesn’t have the same problem anymore.”
“So she had a problem with me?” I snapped. Fucking bitch.
Alyssa chuckled. “Yeah, something like that. She has the same high opinion of you as Josh does.”
“Is there anyone in your family who doesn’t hate me?”
She shrugged. “None that immediately spring to mind.”
I guessed that I shouldn’t have been surprised, what with the way I’d left things, but it was pretty fucking nice to have it confirmed so bluntly.
“How are things back home anyway? What’s everyone been doing?” Surprisingly, I found myself wanting to talk to Alyssa, more and more with every passing second, but I couldn’t think of any decent topics of conversation that wouldn’t end in an argument. Old friends and reminiscing about the way things used to be seemed a safe-ish topic—providing I avoided the topic of us at least.
She shrunk away from me and frowned. “Good.”
“Just good?” I raised an eyebrow at her.
Her frown deepened, but she didn’t say anything else.
I twisted to face her. “Seriously, that’s it? I’ve been away for four years now, and all you’ve got for me is good?”
She sighed and closed her eyes. “You’re the one who left, Dec. You’re the one who doesn’t check in with anyone. What do you want me to say?”
“But surely something’s happened since high school? Someone’s gotten married, had kids, something?”
“Don’t you talk to your mum?” Her voice was quiet, reserved. Her body curled inward, as if she wanted to get as far from me as she possibly could in the small space.
I shrugged. “Sure, but not about home.”
“I guess your life is much too interesting to care about those of us who were left behind in the backwater town you grew up in.” Her voice rose higher with each word. No doubt the result of four years of repressed feelings.
I scowled at her. Just because I’d been slightly cordial, she had obviously decided to make a big deal out of the fact that I was successful in the ways she’d doubted I could ever be. “It’s not like that, and you know it. All I wanted to know was whether there was some hometown scandal that might offer up a few minutes of conversation in this long-arse plane trip so that we didn’t end up talking about the fucking obvious white elephant.”
“Fuck you, Declan.”
“What?”
“You can’t sit here and ask me about the town fucking scandals when you have no fucking clue what’s been going on in anyone’s life but your own. You can’t talk about white fucking elephants when it’s obvious you don’t even care let alone know anything real. Do you have a single clue what I’ve been doing for the last four years? Did you even care enough to ask anyone about me at all? I could have died for all you cared, you arse. You don’t have to answer, because I know you never once even checked in to see if anything major had happened to me!” She was screaming by the end of her tirade and tears welled in her eyes before spilling onto her cheeks.
The flight attendant came over to her. “Excuse me, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. You’re disrupting the other passengers.”
“Fine. Sorry.” Alyssa’s face was burning red and her voice was clipped but apologetic.
I blinked at her, wondering where the fuck her anger had come from or how it had dissipated again so quickly.
“Can I have a glass of water, please?” Alyssa asked.
The flight attendant nodded. While she was gone, Alyssa reached into her bag. I heard the tell-tale sound of two blister packs popping. As soon as the attendant came back with a small plastic cup in her hand, Alyssa dropped the pills into her mouth and skulled the water. She turned her back to me and pressed her head against the window.
“I’m sorry, Alyssa,” I murmured, even though I wasn’t sure I really needed to apologise. Her reaction seemed far too over the top for what should have been a meaningless conversation. Then again, her reactions to simple things had always left me a little confused. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
Her body stiffened, and I thought I heard her sniff. She didn’t turn back to me or acknowledge my apology. I guessed the conversation was over. I closed my eyes and wondered what the hell her reaction was all about.
“And you’re right. I never cared enough to ask.” I lifted my chin, pressing the back of my head against the headrest as a stifled sob sounded from beside me. Fuck her.
Half an hour later, Alyssa was fast asleep. As she slept, she drifted closer to me and soon her head was resting against my shoulder. I was inundated with the scent that was unique to Alyssa—cinnamon and sugar. With a sigh, I gently coaxed her head back off me onto her chair. The sensation was just too much for me to handle. I needed space to roam, to pace, but the small aisles of the plane were far too narrow. Instead, I tipped my head back and stared at the vents above me. What did I do to deserve the fresh hell being delivered by Alyssa’s presence?
Before long, her body was curled against me again, only this time I couldn’t find it in myself to move her. Her breathing was steady and she looked too peaceful. I couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t left Brisbane. She murmured in her sleep, and the sound was enough to set me on edge. My body grew rigid beneath her and I held my breath. It was a hideous reminder of the last time I heard her talking in her sleep—the last time we were happy together.
The night after our school formal, we’d given ourselves to one another.
It had been a night of highs and lows, but in the end we’d overcome the difficulties of locked hotel rooms, embarrassing lamp breakages, and an up-do filled with booby traps to have one of the best nights of our lives. The moment we’d shared was better than I could have ever imagined—possibly better than any I’d had since if only because it was real. It was raw. With the memory in my head, and the weight of Alyssa’s body against me, my chest tightened. The ingrained reaction was exactly why I had run from her. That night as she’d slept, she’d murmured an acceptance to a marriage proposal. One I’d never even planned to make. It was just the push I’d needed to leave. A perfect reminder that she wanted me to settle down with her—a life filled with kids, weddings, and the death of my dreams.
I glanced down at Alyssa’s sleeping form and wondered what might have happened if she hadn’t uttered those words. They’d been the catalyst for everything that happened after. I’d broken up with her shortly after she woke in the morning and then she’d run from the room in tears.
That afternoon when I arrived back at my house Josh was waiting to beat me into a bloody pulp. Despite the concussion I’d suffered, the whole day was seared into my memory. It haunted me as I stared, unseeing, at the screen on the back of the headrest in front of me. Being with her would have cost me everything. She’d wanted to follow the path from uni, to marriage, to kids and had never believed that I could earn a living from racing.
If things had gone differently, it was likely that I would have been trapped in a small-town life. I would have been forced to give up my dreams of racing in the ProV8 series.
CHAPTER EIGHT: REVELATIONS
ALYSSA ROLLED IN my arms, and muttered the names Phoebe and Flynn before a small frown furrowed her brow. With the weight of the memories in my mind, her closeness was too much. I lifted her off me and once more coaxed her back to her seat.
I closed my eyes and leaned back against my own headrest. Fuck I was tired. Not just from the long night, but tired deep down in my soul. I’d experienced the sensation before, but it was usually easy to push aside. Now, the darkness around my heart seemed as thick as molasses and threatened to swallow me down into its depths. With a sigh, I let it take me.
ALYSSA STALKED out of the hotel bedroom. In her hand, she held her bag and the remnants of her formal dress—torn apart in just one in a series of stupid moments the night before. Without another word, she pushed the hotel room door open and stormed out. With a frown, I watched as the door swung closed. Just before the click, I heard the elevator ding and everything caught up to me. We’d just broken up. Again. After what had been the best night in my life, I’d thrown it all away because of some words muttered in her sleep. Fuck!
I threw open the hotel door and ran down the hall, arriving just as the elevator doors closed in front of her tear-streaked face.
“Alyssa! Stop!” I flew forward out of my seat. My heart pounded in my chest and my mouth was dry. I was disorientated for a moment as I glanced up at the screen in front of me which showed an airplane closing in on a flashing circle.
It was just a fucking dream.
“Declan! What the fuck?”
I froze. Alyssa’s voice was right beside me. When I turned to look at her, the events of the last week crept into my mind. I blinked a few times at Alyssa before realising that my scream had obviously startled her, and she’d spilt coffee down the front of her shirt.
“Shit, sorry,” I whispered, pushing the call button for the cabin crew.
I clambered out of my seat to allow Alyssa the room to wipe off her shirt. Despite the bundle of napkins she had in her hand, she wasn’t making any progress.
“Oh, fuck it,” she said. “I’ll have to change. Can you just grab my bag down for me?”
I nodded like an idiot and grabbed her bag before passing it to her. She dug around in it for half a second before producing another shirt. Before I realised what she was doing, she pulled her soiled shirt off and handed it to me. I should
have turned away. I shouldn’t have stared, but shit, how the fuck was I supposed to look away?
At least three seconds passed before she pulled her new one on. The delay had given me more than enough opportunity to scope out her bra and the silky white skin of her breasts spilling over the top. Beneath her left breast was a new tattoo, but I couldn’t make out what it was. Her belly-button ring, once a turquoise to match my eyes, was just a plain silver barbell now. Her boobs were fuller than I remembered them, and I itched to see whether her skin was as smooth and tasty as I remembered. The shirt she’d given me was still warm from the proximity to her body and I found myself gripping it tighter, unwilling to let anyone steal it from me. With a strength I didn’t even know I possessed, I resisted the strong urge I had to put it to my face and inhale. While she changed, I stood, no doubt looking like an idiot, gaping at her with her shirt bunched between my hands.
She snatched the dirty shirt from me and then turned to the toilets to rinse it off. I could have sworn I saw a hint of a smirk on her lips. That’s when I realised she’d been awake while I was asleep. She’d been awake while I was dreaming.
Fuck.
She knew I was dreaming about her.
Can this plane trip get any worse?
I looked at the time. We were less than a half hour from Hong Kong. Not quite halfway to London, but nearing the end of the first leg. Thank Christ for that.
I stood in the aisle until Alyssa came back to reclaim her seat. When she passed me, her smirk was unmistakable.
“It looks like gratuitous drug use suits you,” I commented as I climbed back into my seat.
She gave me a quizzical look.
“Well, you look much happier now.”
“Did it occur to you that I was happier because up until a few moments ago you were unconscious?”
Despite the urge to react to her words, I didn’t. Instead, I chuckled. “Ah, but I’m not unconscious now, and you’re still much happier.”
She shrugged, but her smirk grew into a genuine smile—if only for one nanosecond. “We’ll see. I guess it depends on the quality of conversation that my neighbour on the next flight is willing to engage me in.”
Declan Reede: The Untold Story (Complete Series) Page 18
