“Yeah.”
“But then, at some point, you realise third place might be good. It might be the best you can ever get, but it’s never going to be first, no matter how much you might want it to be. Third place is never really going to get you anywhere.”
“I don’t understand.” Even as I said the words, it hit me. I couldn’t help the grin that crossed my face even though my heart broke for her. “Are you saying I was your first place?”
She smacked my chest playfully at my smile. Then she grinned in return. “Yes, you were.”
“I’m offended,” I mock-protested. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and began to tickle her lightly. “Am I still first place?”
“More like a consolation prize, I think.” She managed to squeeze the words out between squeals.
Phoebe ran back over to us with a smile on her face. She wrapped her arms around Alyssa’s neck while I held Alyssa’s waist. I couldn’t even begin to explain how right it felt to be together like a family.
I was forced to relinquish my hold when Phoebe climbed onto Alyssa’s lap and started to eat her sundae. I watched as the two of them giggled and played, Phoebe feeding Alyssa occasionally.
In that instant, I knew my world would shatter if I was unable to see them again. The doubt I felt over Alyssa’s apparent departure began to niggle in the back of my mind. I wanted to talk to her about it, but I didn’t want to ruin our date—which had gone surprisingly well given its start.
After Phoebe had finished her sundae, she ran back into the playground. I put my arm back around Alyssa’s shoulders and we sat like that in silence, both watching Phoebe running around, playing on her own. I felt the missing part of our life so sharply. I wondered whether Alyssa did too. A quick look at her face told me she did. I squeezed a little to let her know silently that I was there for her. That I understood.
Phoebe darted off the playground. “I want to go home, Mummy.”
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?”
Phoebe just shook her head before resting it against Alyssa’s chest.
“Is she all right?” I asked. “She looks a little green?”
“I think it’s just time to call it a night,” Alyssa said. Despite the situation, I was pleased to hear the tinge of regret in her voice.
I nodded then held out my hand to help Alyssa to her feet. She clutched Phoebe to her chest as she carried her back to the car and put her into the car seat. As she bent over the seat I was once again afforded a view of her creamy thighs. I clenched my fists to stop myself from touching her and walked around to the driver’s side.
“Everyone okay?” I asked when they were both loaded up and had their seat belts on.
Phoebe nodded from the back, but I was starting to get concerned about her; she was a definite shade of green.
“What did she eat?” Alyssa asked as I drove. “I only saw her with one small thickshake, some chips and then half a sundae.”
I stared at the road. “Actually, I got her another thickshake while you were on the phone.”
“Declan!” Alyssa groaned. “Does she look like she’s big enough to fit two thickshakes in?”
She turned to the backseat and stroked Phoebe’s hair.
“I’m sorry. She said she wanted another one, and well, I couldn’t say no to her.”
Alyssa bit her lip and looked back at Phoebe. I got the feeling the topic wasn’t closed but she didn’t want to say anything in front of our daughter. She stroked Phoebe’s hair again. “Do you have a sore tummy?”
Phoebe nodded and her bottom lip wobbled.
“Don’t worry sweetie, we’ll be home soon then you can lie down for a bit,” Alyssa said. “Declan, pull over!” she cried out a second later.
She said it with such urgency there was no way I could refuse. As soon as the car was safely on the side of the road Alyssa ripped open her door and pulled open the back door to get to Phoebe but it was too late. A stream of milky vomit came pouring out of Phoebe’s mouth and down her front. The smell was wretched and a small part of my brain immediately worried about the state of the seats. It was just lucky that it wasn’t my car.
“Fuck!” I shouted as an instinctive reaction.
I climbed out of my seat too, pulling it forward to give more room in the back. Alyssa and I juggled our way through the vomit to pull Phoebe from the car seat.
“You help her, and I’ll see what I can do about cleaning this up,” I said. I pulled my shirt off and used it to soak up as much of the vomit as I could from the baby seat.
The floors could wait until we got back to Alyssa’s house, but I didn’t want Phoebe to have to ride the rest of the way home in a pool of sick. As Alyssa loaded a still wet, and quite miserable-looking, Phoebe back into the car seat, I wound down all the windows so that we’d be getting fresh air into the car because quite frankly the smell was making me feel utterly nauseous.
I smiled apologetically at Alyssa and she just shook her head slightly. I could have sworn she uttered the word, “Honestly,” under her breath.
A short, quiet, stinky ride later we were in front of Alyssa’s house. She ran to the door and unlocked it returning with half a dozen old towels. “You better clean the car out before it gets too dry. I’ll take care of Phoebe.”
I felt a little insulted that she wanted me to worry more about the car than I did about Phoebe, but ignored it because I knew she was a bit pissed at me for giving Phoebe that extra thickshake.
I cleaned the interior of the car as best I could, pulling the once lovely new car seat out and hosing it off. Then I dampened one of the towels, spotting it on the cloth seats to soak up the rest of the vomit. It took me close to half an hour to finish. When I was satisfied I’d cleaned up as much I could, I opened the car right up and left it to dry. I bundled the towels up, together with my vomit-soaked shirt, and took them back inside.
I stood waiting for Alyssa in the living room, feeling self-conscious because I didn’t have a shirt on. I could hear her down the hall, singing softly to Phoebe. Then I heard the song finish and Alyssa whisper, “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
“Okay. I love you very much, Mummy,” Phoebe’s small voice called.
“I love you too, sweetie.”
Their simple, honest declarations of love warmed my heart but at the same time made me feel like an intruder in their home. I waited at the end of the hall as Alyssa walked out of Phoebe’s room, a soft smile of contentment on her lips. She stopped in the hallway when she saw me. Her eyes swept over me in a quick appraisal. “Oh God, Declan. I’m sorry. I completely forgot you used your shirt in the car. I’ll see if I can find you something to throw on while I wash yours.”
I nodded. “Do you want me to put these somewhere?” I held up the bundle of clothes.
“Just throw them in the basket and put your shirt in the washing machine—” She pointed to a door which I presumed housed the laundry. “—I’ll put a load on in a second. We’ll get your shirt washed and back on before you go home.” She laughed. “People might talk otherwise.”
“They’ll talk anyway, you realise.”
“Yeah. I know,” she said with a sad edge. No doubt she knew it better than I did.
I went into the room she pointed to and worked out which machine was the washing machine and I threw everything in. I was walking back to the living room when I heard a door shut and a slight gasp from behind me.
“Declan? Did you hurt yourself again?”
At first I thought she meant the fresh bruises on my ribs, but then her fingers traced the outline of the bandage that still covered the tattoo. I blushed. I hadn’t anticipated showing her quite yet. In fact, I had no idea how she’d take it.
“Um, no. I . . . ah . . . I . . .” My voice dropped to a whisper. “I got a tattoo.”
“You what?” she asked. “When?”
“Today. Did you want to see?” Her hands were still on my back and her skin felt too good so close. I needed a distraction and sho
wing her my tattoo was perfect.
“Should I be scared? You didn’t do anything crazy did you?”
I laughed. “Besides get a tattoo in general? No.”
I felt her gently lifting the bandage and she gasped. Her hand came to rest on my shoulder, just beside where the horses now took pride of place on my back. She remained quiet behind me and I was worried it was the calm before the storm. I was so stupid—I didn’t even think about how Alyssa might feel about the work I’d had done. I was just so desperate to make something permanent in my life. A moment later, she pressed the edges of the bandage down once more, covering the tattoo.
When I turned slowly to see her face, to figure out what she was thinking, she had tears in her eyes and was chewing her lip. She looked seconds from losing it and I worried that maybe I’d overstepped some boundary I hadn’t known existed.
“Lys, are you all right?” I asked.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered. “Why did you do it?”
“I wanted a permanent reminder of my children.”
Alyssa dropped the shirt she was holding and fell against my chest, sobbing. I moved her over to the couch and sat with her, just holding her until her tears began to subside.
“Do you mind?” I asked her.
She shook her head. “Do you know how long I’ve waited and dreamed that one day you’d come back and say words like those?”
“You dreamed and waited for me to get a tattoo?” I knew it wasn’t what she meant, but I also understood that the moment needed a little levity.
She gave a half-laugh, half-sob. “No, you jerk. I—”
“I know, Lys. I’ve proven myself to be an arsehole a hundred times over. Let me prove that I can be the man you need me to be, yeah?”
Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “Are you sure you’re not going to regret it?”
I wasn’t sure if she meant the tattoo or my promises, but either way the answer was the same. “Never. I only have one regret now.”
She didn’t ask what. I wondered whether it was because she knew it was leaving her, or because she was afraid it was something else.
“Was tonight okay?” I asked. I was afraid she would hate me for the disaster it had turned into.
“It was a start,” Alyssa replied through her tears. Then she shook her head and barked out a hard laugh. “Although, why did you give her that second thickshake?”
“A start is good?” I wanted to clarify.
“Yeah, a start is good. But it doesn’t make up for last night.”
“I know. It was stupid . . . I was stupid. I just—” I cut myself off because I knew there were no excuses to warrant what I’d done, not in Alyssa’s book. “I fucked up.”
“You did. But you also said some things I think I needed to hear.”
“Like?”
She shook her head. “I think that’s better left alone for now.”
More than anything, I wanted to know what she’d needed to hear, what it was that had put her in, not so much a good mood, but an accepting one. At least one which had given her a willingness to go along with my idea of a date.
“Lys.” I said her name in a quiet whisper, certain my next words would be a mistake but unwilling to deceive her any longer. “The Monaro isn’t in the shop for a tune-up.”
She pulled away from me with a frown.
“I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just didn’t know how to tell you the truth.”
“Which is?”
“There was an accident.”
She practically leapt to her feet, her eyes tracing my body and settling on the fresh black blemishes on my side. “Fuck, Declan. Those bruises? What happened?”
After her reaction, I almost regretted telling her the truth because I still had to admit the worst part. “I don’t remember.”
“You don’t remember?” She paced to the window before spinning back around to shout, “Jesus Christ, Declan, did you drive last night?”
Staring at my lap, mostly because I was unable to stand looking at the anger and disappointment in her eyes, I nodded.
Throwing her hands in the air, she covered the distance between us as her lecture started. “You could have killed someone, Dec. God, you could have killed yourself. How could you have been so stupid? I didn’t see a car last night. I thought you must have walked. Jesus Christ, if I’d thought you were driving, I would have driven you home. What if you’d killed someone?”
If it had been anyone else, I would have told them where to shove it, but I understood her anger was at least partially linked to her worry. “I know. God, I know it was stupid. And I don’t even know what happened. All I know is Flynn found me and—”
“Flynn? He knew about this?” She paced away from me again. “I spoke to him this morning and he didn’t say a damn thing about it even though he knew?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Lys.” It was the moment to throw him under the bus if I wanted to. It was so tempting, if only to score a few points considering how many I’d probably lost with my err in judgment. Only, I couldn’t do that—to Alyssa. “I don’t think he meant to hurt you. He probably just didn’t want to make you unhappy.”
“Yeah, well, he didn’t do a very good job.” She slumped onto the couch beside me.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you either.”
Her eyes fluttered closed and a small exasperated sigh left her.
“I know there’s no excuse. I’m not going to try to make one. All I can do is promise it won’t happen again. You mean too much to me to fuck it up over something so stupid.”
We sat in silence. After a moment, another small sigh escaped her and she glanced up at me. “I just don’t know how many chances I can give you, Dec. Not with Phoebe around. I—I can’t let you hurt her.”
Her words were agony to hear, but strangely, I understood. If it was someone else hurting Alyssa or Phoebe, even accidentally, I would kick their arse. “At least one more?” I said, offering a small smile—the sort that usually got me anything I wanted.
Alyssa gave me a begrudging smile in reply. “Maybe one more.”
“I promise, no more fuck-ups.”
Despite the fact that she nodded and curled into me, I didn’t think I had her entirely convinced. The truth was I had no idea what Alyssa was thinking, but my mind raced with everything that had happened in the last few days. Ben’s assertions regarding Alyssa’s lease flooded into my mind and my heart raced at the thought that I could be losing my little family before I had a chance to win them back.
“Are you going to take Phoebe out of the country?” I asked. My voice came out in a choked whisper.
Alyssa pulled away and looked at me. “No. Why would you ask that?”
“You’re breaking your lease.” It came out in a more accusing tone than I’d anticipated.
Alyssa looked surprised. “Yeah. I told you I was offered a job.”
“Yeah, but you also told me you weren’t taking it.”
“No.”
My brow pulled together in a frown. It didn’t make any sense. She had told me exactly that.
“I told you that I wasn’t moving to London, not that I wasn’t taking the job.”
“What?”
She sighed. “You really don’t listen do you?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Pembletons offered me a job in their Sydney or London office. London’s just too far from my family. I’m moving to Sydney in February.”
With three sentences, my world flipped upside down. A smile beamed across my face at the thought. Alyssa was moving to Sydney. She would be close to me when it came time to return home. There would be no need to decide between Sydney and Alyssa.
When she moved, everything would be fucking right with the world.
CHAPTER SEVEN: CLUELESS
I COULDN’T WIPE the fucking smile off my face and I couldn’t believe my luck. Alyssa wasn’t leaving the country. She wasn’t taking Phoebe away. Better yet, Alyssa
was wrapped in my arms. Even though it put excess pressure on my side, and hurt like a bitch, I couldn’t ask her to move. While she remained still, the pain in my side abated until it was bearable. Especially with her in my arms. Neither was she trying to shift away from me. The scent of her coconut skin cream was right under my nose; it smelled fucking terrific as she leaned into me.
It was exactly what I’d been missing for four years.
I was home.
She tucked her legs up underneath her and nestled into my shoulder. Her hair brushed across my chest as she nuzzled close to me. I didn’t know what Alyssa was thinking as her hand gently wrapped around my arm. Her touch felt so good. Peaceful.
I closed my eyes and blocked out the last four years, pretending none of it had happened. The formal was just yesterday and I never freaked out after it. We were just happy together and I’d never hurt her.
It was a nice fantasy.
We sat like that for a while. Half an hour or more passed before either of us dared to move. Silence emanated from Phoebe’s room so I assumed she was asleep, but I really didn’t fucking know.
Alyssa’s hand came up to her face as she wiped away the last of her tears. As she swept her cheek, her hand brushed across my chest. My abs tightened, and a fresh pain stabbed my ribs, but if I said anything I risked breaking whatever spell was keeping her in my arms.
When her skin stroked mine, it was soft and warm. An involuntary moan rose in my throat. Her touch was so perfect, eliciting a fresh wave of tension through my stomach and a flutter of nerves across my skin. Nothing I’d experienced had ever compared. Nothing could.
I opened my eyes and looked down at her. When our gazes locked, I saw she’d been staring at me. She gave me a small smile and played with the ends of her hair when she discovered she’d been caught. I smiled in response and ducked my head a little without thinking through the move.
Alyssa echoed my movement, tilting her head back and parting her lips. I grazed my own lips against hers and rested them there for a fraction of a second. It wasn’t quite a kiss, but our lips definitely met. I didn’t dare push it any further. Pulling apart, I rested my forehead against hers. With my eyes closed, I breathed in her presence. It was calming and soothing, and just perfect.
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