“I am so fucking sorry for everything I did to us,” I whispered as I brushed my hand through her hair. My voice cracked as I spoke.
She raised her hand to my face and wiped away a tear I didn’t even realise had fallen.
“I can’t say it’s okay, because we both know it’s not. I’ve been to hell and back, Dec.” Her own tears started to fall. “But I forgive you. I love you.”
I dropped my head to her chest so she wouldn’t see the tears that were now falling in earnest. Her heart thundered against my cheek, a reminder that she was there. It wasn’t too late to change. To fix things. The understanding that washed through me at the thought was overwhelming. A sob overtook my body, followed by another. I clung to Alyssa’s shoulders tightly as I sobbed against her chest. I never wanted to fucking let go again. I never would.
I HAD no idea how long I had clung to Alyssa before finally succumbing to sleep, but obviously at some point I had. Morning light streamed into the bedroom, I was lying on my back and her hand ran through my hair as I came to my senses. I lifted my hand, snagging hers and bringing it to my lips. She gasped at my sudden movement, and I smiled with her fingers still pressed to my mouth.
Raising my eyes, I glanced at my fucking beautiful angel. She was on her side, with her head propped up by her other arm. I released my hold on her hand, and it resumed its strokes through my hair.
“Good morning, gorgeous,” I said.
“Morning.” She offered a small smile before tucking herself into my side and resting her head on my shoulder. “I still can’t believe you’re here, like this.”
I held her tightly. “Believe it, because I’m not going anywhere, Lys. Not unless you send me away.”
“What about my family?”
For a moment, her words concerned me, but then I understood the one thing that might win them back to my side. I curled my finger under her chin and raised it so she could look at my face and see how serious I was. “Do they want you to be happy?”
She nodded. “Of course they do.”
“Well, do I make you happy?”
She smiled and it was so blistering and filled with genuine happiness that I’d want to kick my own ass if I ever made her lose it again.
I lifted my head and kissed her softly. “Then we’ll work it out.”
“I don’t know how you can have such blinding optimism after the week you’ve had,” she said.
“I guess it’s just easy to be optimistic when I’ve got a fuck-hot woman in my arms.”
She slapped my chest lightly. “And here I thought we were having a moment of honesty.”
“I am being honest.” I stroked my hand lightly up and down her side. “Are we really going to do it today?” I murmured, silently praying Alyssa knew what I meant without me having to say the words out loud.
She was quiet for a while, making me wonder if perhaps she hadn’t understood. Just when I was about to clarify, she spoke. “It’s up to you. I just don’t want to tell her anything if you are going to disappear again.”
“I’ve told you—”
She pressed her fingers to my lips to stop me from repeating what I’d said so many times since I’d started trying to win her back. “I know,” she said. “And mostly I believe you. It’s just—” She sighed. “—I guess history has taught me to be on guard.”
“I know, Lys. I told you last night though, I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve done. Here’s the thing though, my life hasn’t been all roses and sunshine. I know it’s nothing compared with what you’ve had to deal with, but I don’t want to go back to it. At the time, I guess I thought I was doing okay, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t sleep, had nightmares most nights, and took copious amounts of sleeping tablets just to be able to function. I had panic attacks that I had to keep hidden from everyone or risk my job. Now, having you in my arms like this . . . sleeping like I did last night . . . it just makes me see how bad I really let things get.”
She planted a soft kiss on my chest. “Let’s not get into the past now. You’ve got something planned for us for today, right? Let’s just go pick up Phoebe and get this show on the road.”
I smiled and nodded. “Sounds good, although . . .” I trailed off deliberately.
“Although what?” she asked, the corners of her eyes pinching together with suspicion.
I rolled myself onto my side before pushing her over onto her back and climbing between her legs, resting my pelvis against hers. “Although I can think of something I wouldn’t mind doing before going.”
She grinned at me. “Yeah? And what’s that?”
“You.” I captured her lips as my hands began to wander.
A LITTLE over an hour later, we pulled up in front of Mum’s house. The kamikaze dive-bombing butterflies were back in my stomach as I thought about what the day would bring. To Phoebe, I would start the day as Mummy’s friend, but I would finish it as her daddy.
Just thinking the word brought a lump to my throat. I didn’t know how we were going to tell her. Didn’t really know if we even should so soon. But I wanted to do it. I wanted her to know, even though it scared the shit out of me.
Alyssa and I had discussed it while we’d showered and dressed. We discussed it again in the car on the way from Alyssa’s house. Still, we were no closer to a decision. Instead, we agreed to simply wing it. To tell her together when we both thought the moment was right.
When we entered the house Phoebe practically launched herself into Alyssa’s arms with a squealed, “Mummy!”
I held my breath as I watched their interactions. It damn near made my heart explode. I felt breathless and anxious, but I wasn’t having a panic attack. At least, not yet. I had to stop myself from wrapping them both up in a group hug, choosing to walk over to Mum instead.
“Did you two have fun yesterday?” I asked.
Mum nodded. “How was your date?”
“It was fucking awesome, Mum.” I beamed. I saw Alyssa give me the evil eye when I said “fucking.” Shit, I’d have to watch my language.
“I need to talk to you before you go,” Mum said, wringing her hands together.
She turned toward the bedrooms, obviously wanting some privacy, which had the butterflies in my stomach kicking up their aerial acrobatics another notch. What could be so bad she didn’t want to say it in front of Alyssa? Or was it about her? I began to picture all the worst-case scenarios. The optimism Alyssa had accused me of having that morning seeped away as I followed Mum.
She walked into my room and shut the door behind us.
“You and Alyssa,” she prompted. “You seem to be getting back on track.”
I nodded, not willing to attempt to speak through the emotion and fear constricting my throat.
“I mean, I know you’ve got a long way to go, but she’s there for you, right?”
“I guess,” I squeezed out. “At least, I think so. I hope so.”
Mum sighed and seemed relieved. I felt the anxiety slip away a little. It couldn’t have been anything bad to do with Alyssa and me if Mum was relieved we seemed okay . . . could it?
“I’ve decided . . .,” she started, but trailed off.
“What is it, Mum? Tell me?” I spoke as softly as I could, trying to coax her around whatever nerves she was feeling.
“I’m leaving your father.” The words fell out in a tumble and seemed to take the last of her strength. She sat on the edge of my bed and stared into space.
Without thought, I sat next to her. It was probably a strange reaction, but I was happy for her. No, I was more than happy. I was fuck-arse thrilled for her. She needed to get away from that prick for her own confidence and sanity. More than that, she needed to burn him for everything he had. While I ran through the thoughts, I decided I’d have to talk to Alyssa to see if she knew any good divorce lawyers. No, not good ones—great ones. Ones that would take everything Dad owned except the shirt off his back, and maybe even that. I would cover the retainer if I had to. I didn’t care. It wasn’t about th
e money. It was about ensuring that bastard got what was coming to him for lying to me for so long.
“That’s great, Mum,” I said as softly as I could manage. I could see the look of devastation on her face, and realised that me whooping it up in celebration probably wasn’t such a good idea. At least, not for the moment. “If you need anything—anything at all—I’m here for you.”
She shook her head slightly and looked up at me, as if she’d forgotten I was there. “I was actually thinking of going away for a while. Far away.”
“Where?”
She shrugged. “Anywhere. I’ve just taken everything out of the savings account. That should keep me going for a while. I was thinking maybe London to start.”
“That’s sounds good,” I said. A smile lit my face. “It worked fucking wonders for me.”
“You’re not upset?” She sounded surprised.
“Why the fuck would I be upset?”
“Because I’m breaking up our family.”
“No, Mum, you’re not. That arsewipe broke up this family long ago when he began cheating on you.” Plus insulting and spying on Alyssa, I added mentally. I still owed him an arse whooping over that. I wondered if he understood that he’d be better off staying as far from me as possible while I was still in Brisbane. Just the thought of him being in that bathroom with Alyssa made my hands curl into tight fists that longed to connect with something.
“Declan, please don’t—” She was going to defend him.
I cut her off with an incredulous glare. “Look, Mum, I’m happy you’re leaving him. Ecstatic even, because he is a fucktard of a human being. He seriously needs to get a personality realignment or something. Until then, he can go to hell.”
“I don’t want to cause problems between you and your father.”
“You aren’t. Any problems are of his own doing.”
She shook her head. “Declan—”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I cut her off. It was clear that arguing with her wasn’t going to help either of us. “I think it’s great you’re going away. Do this for yourself. Alyssa and I will be fine without you. Like you said, we’re heading down the right track at least. You need to be selfish for a while. So book your fucking ticket and go.”
“It’s booked,” she whispered.
“Excellent. When do you leave?”
“Wednesday week.”
Fuck! I looked around the room in a blind panic, trying to calm myself. If Mum left a week from Wednesday, that meant I only had a week and a half of accommodation in Brisbane. I couldn’t stay with Dad on my own. I’d beat the living shit out of him on the first day.
I shuddered as I considered whether he’d use the opportunity to move Hayley, his little tramp, into our family home. Would Mum want to leave the house sooner? I wondered for a second if Alyssa would let me stay with her, but it was too early for that still. As much as I slept better when she was beside me, it wasn’t fair to Phoebe to tell her I was her daddy and then force myself into her life and into her house within a week.
“Have you talked to Dad?” I asked, tentatively.
“Not yet. I’m going to tell him not to bother coming home though. He’s got an apartment near the city he doesn’t think I know about. He can stay there.”
I nodded, breathing a sigh of relief for myself. “Is that where she lives?”
Mum nodded sadly and wiped an errant tear from her face. “But I’m ruining your day here.” She plastered on a fake smile. “I’ll be all right. You go have fun with your two beautiful girls.”
I pulled her into a hug. “You don’t want to come with us?”
She shook her head. “No, I want you and Alyssa to have some alone time. Lord knows you need it. And you need to bond with that precious little thing, Declan. Don’t make the same mistakes your father did.”
“I won’t.” I couldn’t. Whenever I thought of Phoebe, I felt nothing but regret for how much time I’d already lost. Fatherhood might not have been the plan, but I wasn’t going to shirk away from it—from her—now that it had found me.
I stood, helped Mum to her feet, and then gave her shoulders a quick squeeze.
Alyssa turned to me with a confused expression when I came back into the living room.
“You okay?” she mouthed.
I smiled and nodded. I was about to spend the day with the two most precious things to me.
Who wouldn’t be okay?
CHAPTER NINETEEN: WIGGLE ROOM
ANXIOUS TO GET the day underway, I helped Alyssa load Phoebe and her gear into the car. When I got the car on the road, my hands shook and my mouth was dry.
Glancing in the rear-view mirror as Phoebe wiggled in her car seat to the music on the radio, I wondered whether it was possible I was actually more anxious to get the white elephant out in the open than the events of the day. Each time I looked at her, my heartbeat ramped up a notch, and I grew more terrified of her possible reaction to the news. The truth was, she didn’t know me. Hell, I barely knew me anymore. The concerns I had over telling her the truth raced around my head as if running laps on a track.
How could I force myself into her life so fast? How were we even going to begin to tell her? Would she even understand when we did tell her? Would the word “daddy” mean anything to her?
The question brought to mind the afternoon I’d spent in the park with her and Alyssa. From what I recalled of that day, it was clear she would absolutely understand. She would know what the word meant, at least in the broader sense. Which meant she would either accept what we told her, or reject me outright. Either way, there was not a damn fucking thing I could do about it.
My heart could be crushed under the heel of a three-year-old’s boot. What would I do if she said she didn’t want me to be her daddy?
From across the car, Alyssa’s hand reached for mine, snapping me from my thoughts. She must’ve sensed my blind panic creeping up. Taking my hand in hers, she gave it a light squeeze. It was her silent way of letting me know she was there for me. With her touch, the fear dissipated. The anxiety still ran as an undercurrent through me, but the suffocating terror disappeared. I gave her a small smile of thanks before turning back to the road.
“Where are you taking us anyway?” Alyssa asked. I still hadn’t told her exactly where we were going, even though she’d insisted I needed to let her know the details so she could pack Phoebe’s bag. All I’d told her was that we were going to be out for the whole day.
“You’ll see.” I kept my eyes trained on the road. The truth was at that point, I had so many conflicting emotions and thoughts in my head that it wouldn’t take much for her to get the answer from me. She’d find out soon enough anyway. We were already over halfway to the Gold Coast and about ten minutes from my planned destination.
I hoped to give Phoebe the best day out I possibly could, and the theme parks in Queensland were world renowned. I had done a little research to find out the best one for kids under four, and all fingers pointed to Dreamworld or Sea World. I didn’t want to spend the entire fucking day watching sea animals doing stupid tricks, so that left Dreamworld. The moment I took the Coomera exit off the highway, Alyssa knew our destination.
“Dreamworld, Dec? Really?”
“I figured you two deserve a fu—” I caught myself just in time. “—treat.”
“But this is too much. I haven’t brought any food or anything with us. It’ll cost a fortune. I—I can’t afford it.” She almost seemed ashamed.
I frowned. The last thing I’d intended to do was make her feel inadequate. She also didn’t seem to understand one fundamental aspect. “It’s my shout.”
“No, I can’t expect you to pay, it’s too much. Have you seen—”
I put my finger on her lips to cut her off. “I said my shout. Now, we’re going there, no arguments, and no worrying about what anything costs.”
She regarded me for a minute.
“Please?” I asked. “I’m sure Phoebe will love Wiggles Worl
d.”
Phoebe squealed and jumped around at the mention of the W word, and Alyssa was caught. It was a dirty trick on my part, but I didn’t care. Not if it got me what I wanted.
“Fine.”
With a victorious grin, I climbed out of the car.
It wasn’t until I reached the queue to get in that I discovered my mistake. I’d been so focused on Alyssa, and on Phoebe, that I hadn’t grabbed my usual coverings. Without a hat and sunnies, my trademark auburn hair and turquoise eyes drew the attention of everyone around. Almost instantly, I was plagued by people wanting my autograph. I wanted to tell them all to fuck off, that I was trying to have a day with my daughter, but I couldn’t. I was stuck between looking like an arse if I said yes and looking like a prick if I said no. Instead, I stood and signed everything that was pressed in front of my face. In the end Alyssa came to my side, brandishing the entry tickets.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said. Then I dropped my voice, “I’m sorry, I’ve ruined it already—haven’t I?” I ruined everything just by being Declan fucking Reede.
She shook her head. “It’s not your fault. Besides, look how happy you’ve made them.”
She indicated a family nearby. One of the men who’d got me to sign something passed it to his young son. At a guess, I would have said the boy was nine or ten, fucked if I knew for sure, but the smile on his face as he looked at the grubby pen mark I’d left on his hat was mind-boggling. It actually meant something to him.
Watching the look of rapture on the little boy’s face, I was awed, and more than a little humbled. I’d honestly never really paid much attention to the aftermath of an autograph frenzy. Usually, I was always more concerned with the cramp in my hand and the time I’d wasted. Trust Alyssa to notice the smaller, but infinitely more important, things like the look on one little boy’s face. I wrapped one arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head.
“Thank you,” I murmured into her hair.
“For what?” she asked, clearly bemused.
Declan Reede: The Untold Story (Complete Series) Page 60
