She caught my hand in hers. “I know.”
I pulled my hand free and stroked her cheek. “I love you. So much,” I croaked.
“I love you too.” She leaned into my hand. I could feel the warmth radiating off her and desperately wanted to get her home. I needed to hold her in my arms and wrap her in my embrace. She controlled my sanity; all it took was a word, or a touch, from her and my thoughts would calm. I owed her more than she would ever know, and I would spend the rest of my life making up for everything I’d done.
We fell into a comfortable silence as I drove us back. All the while four little words ran on repeat through my head. “You’re a good daddy.”
Phoebe woke just as we stopped. There were a few minutes of awkward silence as the car was unloaded and we headed inside.
“I’m just going to put some dinner on,” Alyssa announced. “Phoebe, why don’t you go get a book that Declan can read to you while you wait.”
Phoebe shook her head and grabbed my hand. “Come to my room, I’ll show you my toys.”
I shot Alyssa a quick look of concern. Entertaining Phoebe at Dreamworld was one thing—being alone with her on her turf was something else entirely.
“Go on,” Alyssa said. “I’ll be down once this is on.”
I nodded, before gulping down on a lungful of air. The unspoken words “and we can talk to her” hung between us.
Phoebe pulled on my hand and led me into her room. I spent the next half hour being shown every doll, teddy bear, puzzle, and book she owned.
“You’ve got lots of cool stuff,” I told her. I was sitting cross-legged in the middle of her floor with my back to the door. “What’s your favourite?”
“That depends on the day,” Alyssa announced from behind me. She walked over and sat on Phoebe’s bed. She patted the pink comforter in invitation, and Phoebe ran over to sit beside her.
My heart began to pound, knowing what was about to happen. Something shifted in the atmosphere of the room as a quiet tension seemed to settle over everyone.
“Sweetie, you know how Mummy always told you that your daddy wasn’t around, but that he loved you, wherever he was, and nothing could change that?”
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. Alyssa could have easily spent the last three years telling Phoebe her dad was a fucking arsehole who needed his head read; she wouldn’t have been lying. Yet, even through her darkest time—even after I’d fucking abandoned her—she’d been kind when speaking to Phoebe about me. It might have been more for our daughter’s sake than mine, but I was still touched.
When I opened my eyes, Phoebe was looking at me. Her gaze seemed to reach right down to my soul. Alyssa inclined her head in Phoebe’s direction, silently instructing me to take over. She wanted me to be the one to say the actual words. I knew I already had earlier, but that had been some weird instinct to soothe a crying child. Now it was just so fucking difficult to find the right thing to say. How did you even broach the subject? Should I just come out and say, “I’m your daddy, and I’m a fucking idiot for ever leaving your mummy?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it again and took a deep breath. My eyes were prickling so I closed them.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered finally. “I . . .” I was going to say I couldn’t find the words to make it right; that I didn’t know what to say. Even at this simple task, I failed.
A tiny set of arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I felt Phoebe’s hair against my cheek. I wrapped her in an embrace and tried to force back the tears. I couldn’t even open my eyes for fear the traitorous tears would escape.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Phoebe, but your mummy is right. Your daddy loves you. I—I’d do anything for you.” The last part of my sentence was so choked that I didn’t know if she understood or not, but I didn’t care; saying the words out loud to her was a hundred times better than any therapy session.
“Can I say a question?” Phoebe asked and I finally grew brave enough to look at her. Her green-blue eyes, near perfect replicas of mine, were clear and untroubled. She wore a small smile. “Can you be my daddy for always?”
I choked back the lump in my throat and looked away from her captivating eyes. It was only then that I saw Alyssa was gone. I didn’t know at what stage she had left, or why. I reached my hand out to stroke Phoebe’s cheek gently as I nodded. “Forever and always, baby. I’m never going to leave you again.”
Phoebe gave a little jump with a double-handed fist pump. “Yay!”
I smiled through the threatening tears and a chuckle left my lips. “Why don’t we go see what Mummy is doing?”
She nodded sweetly at me and walked from the room. I sat on the floor a second longer, trying to gather myself. My heart was thumping and my stomach twisting, but I’d done it. I knew without a doubt that Phoebe understood who I was and what that meant. She accepted it. Fuck, she even seemed to be excited about it.
After a few more breaths to let the fact that I was on my way to becoming a card-carrying member of the father brigade settle over me, I picked myself up from the floor and wandered out to find Alyssa and Phoebe.
They were both in the kitchen when I found them. Alyssa stood at the bench and Phoebe had climbed onto a little stool behind her, watching as she worked her magic. Alyssa’s breathing was a little erratic and a moment later, she lifted her hand and swiped her cheek. Obviously hearing me approach, she turned around to smile at me. The remnants of tears wet her lashes. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind.
“Dinner smells good,” I said out loud. Then I whispered in her ear, too quietly for Phoebe to hear, “Thank you.”
She nodded. “It’ll just be a few minutes. Phoebe, did you want to show Declan where everything is so that you guys can set the table?”
“Daddy,” Phoebe corrected Alyssa, her voice was full of awe. I couldn’t imagine her being more excited, even if she’d woken on Christmas morning to see Santa himself delivering her presents.
“Of course,” Alyssa said, her voice strained and filled with emotion. Despite how well Phoebe was taking it, I could tell it’d been a long-arse day for Alyssa. It’d been a fucking long day for me too. “Can you show Daddy where to find the plates?” She rested her hands against the counter and ducked her head down a little before drawing a couple of short, quick breaths.
Had my conversation with Phoebe upset her?
Maybe she regretted the decision to let Phoebe know. I wanted to reassure her once more that I wasn’t leaving, but Phoebe was practically shouting at me in order to get my attention.
Dinner was a fairly quiet affair for Alyssa and me, but Phoebe kept up a near-constant stream of chatter to fill the silence. She told me all about her friends at day care and about her Nana, Pop, Aunt Ruby, and Uncle Josh, letting me know she couldn’t wait to tell them that she had a daddy now. During that part of her speech, I could have sworn I saw Alyssa wipe more tears away. Under the table, I rested my hand on her thigh to give her what comfort I could. She startled a little at the contact but didn’t pull away so I figured she wasn’t too upset with me.
It must have been overwhelming for her. I was fucking overwhelmed too.
We spent the rest of the evening just hanging out on the couch. We watched some TV and movies, and generally avoided any extra talk about the D word. I didn’t approach Alyssa to find out whether she had any regrets about the day or the decision. That conversation could wait until after Phoebe was asleep.
When it came time for Phoebe’s bath, I waited on the couch while Alyssa handled it. I might have signed up for the name and the responsibility, but I wasn’t up for doing any of that shit just yet.
When they were finished, Alyssa called out to me from Phoebe’s room. I wandered down but stopped short in the doorway when I saw Alyssa reading a story to Phoebe. Even though I’d known that Alyssa was a mother for weeks, even though I’d interacted with her with Phoebe, it wasn’t until that moment that I truly saw how much
of herself Alyssa gave. How much love she had to give. It made my heart weep for the time I’d lost. What would it have been like in the early days of Phoebe’s life? I had no fucking clue what babies did, or what looking after one involved, but I somehow just knew Alyssa would have been a natural mother even while she was dealing with her own heartache.
I was lost in thought when Alyssa used a nod and soft touch to my hand to call me out of Phoebe’s room. She led me into her bedroom and half-closed the door. Without a word, she closed her eyes and leaned back against one of the walls. A long sigh escaped her perfect lips, breaking the silence that surrounded us.
Following her, I pressed my body against hers, leaning my hands on the wall on either side of her head for support.
“Are you okay?” I asked in a whisper.
She nodded and gave me a small smile. “It’s funny, you know, part of me never thought this day would come. But the other part? God, I’ve been hoping, wishing, and praying for this for so long, but kind of dreading it all at the same time. It just,” her voice dropped to a whisper, “changes everything.”
To offer her what comfort I could, I ran one hand along her cheekbone. Then I moved closer to her, so that my lips almost brushed against hers. I could feel the warmth of her body pressed against me.
“I know,” I murmured. “I get it. But it’s for the better, yeah?”
She nodded. “Yeah. At least, I hope so.”
I closed the space between us. Her mouth was warm and inviting as I moved my tongue inside. She moaned against me, and I felt the wetness of fresh tears fall against the hand that still cupped her face.
“You are happy though, aren’t you?” I asked as I pulled away, terrified of the answer.
“Yeah, I am. It’s just so much to deal with.”
“I know.” Jesus fucking Christ did I know. Taking in Alyssa’s obvious stress, I decided to do the one thing I absolutely didn’t want to do. “Look, it’s been a long day for everyone. I think we just need some space tonight, and I need some fresh clothes anyway. Maybe I should go back to Mum’s now.” I rested my forehead against hers.
Her arms lifted around my waist, holding me to her. “You’re probably right,” she said. Instead of letting me go though, she held me more tightly than ever.
“I can stay for a little while . . . if you’d like, that is?”
She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder. “I just really don’t want today to end.”
I smiled to myself, knowing I’d achieved my goal. She was mine again. My heart swelled with pride at being able to say that. I could never let her go again. If I were to lose her it would break me. Lifting her in my arms, I lavished soft kisses along her cheek and neck as I carried her across to her bed and laid her down gently. Even though I needed her, it was clear she needed comfort and closeness, not sex. I curled around her and pulled her against my body.
“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” Alyssa asked the darkness.
I nodded and kissed her cheek once more. “Of course.”
We lay in silence. For my part, I just enjoyed being wrapped around her, hearing her soft breaths in the near silence of the night. An hour passed before her breathing steadied, and I knew she was asleep. As I carefully extracted myself from the bed, she moaned and grumbled a little in her sleep before clutching the pillow.
“Declan.” She murmured my name on a breath. A smile crept onto her features, and I found it almost impossible to leave the room.
After watching her for a moment more, I managed to withdraw from the magic of Alyssa, leaving the room and heading down the hall. When I passed Phoebe’s room, I paused to peer inside. She was stretched out on her back, her arms raised high above her head and her lips parted in a small pout. With her eyes closed, she looked so much like Alyssa. As I watched her sleeping, I couldn’t help but remember the first time I had ever seen Alyssa sleeping. I was eight at the time.
“DECLAN, MAKE sure your room is clean. We’re having guests tonight,” Mum called out. My thoughts immediately went to my cousins who stayed over much too often for my taste. I hated when they came because Toby always smelled like pee and even after he’d gone, the house stank for a week.
“Aw, Mum, do we have to?” I whined. “I don’t like Toby and Scott.”
“Who said anything about Toby or Scott?” Mum asked, her voice full of secrets and smiles.
“Who then?” I asked, running to find her.
“I guess you’ll have to wait and see.”
She laughed when I pouted.
“Always so impatient,” she said, scuffing my hair fondly. “Curtis Dawson is rostered on tonight and Ruth has just been called in to work, so they’ve asked if I can watch Josh and Alyssa. If that’s okay with you, of course?”
My excitement burst from me. Josh and Alyssa were my best friends. Well, Alyssa was my best friend and Josh was the cool older brother I always wished I had. Racing down to my room, I made sure all my stuff was packed away. Not that Alyssa would actually sleep in my room, she’d get the guest room, but I would have to share with Josh.
For the rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t relax. Ruth and Curtis turned up just after six with pizza and my two closest friends. We all wolfed down our pizza and ran to my room to play with my Xbox and watch some movies. We stayed up until Mum finally put her foot down and shooed us all into bed.
In the middle of the night, I woke to the sound of a soft whimpering. Climbing out of bed, I stepped around the trundle where Josh was sleeping to investigate. I walked through the darkened hall until I located the sound. It was coming from beneath the guest room door—where Alyssa was sleeping.
I pushed the door open before sneaking into the room. Glancing down at the bed, I could see the ghost of her outline. Her hair was spread out on the pillow behind her. Her face was drawn into a frown and she was whimpering and kicking. Still, she looked like a sleeping angel.
I knelt next to her bed and gently stroked her cheek. “Shh, Alyssa, I’m here.”
Her whimpering quietened and her movement stilled. I climbed onto her bed, staying above the comforter but determined to stop her nightmares.
I slept there the rest of the night and Mum found me the next morning.
I STOOD watching Phoebe for what I thought was just a few minutes, but must have been longer because I felt arms stretch around my waist, drawing me back to the present. My hands found their place over Alyssa’s hold as she rested her head on my back. “You didn’t leave?”
I shook my head. “I guess I got a bit distracted.”
After another glance in Phoebe’s room, I turned in Alyssa’s embrace. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, and there was only one way I could think of to release some of it. I captured Alyssa in my arms and pushed her back against the hallway wall, kissing her deeply. When she didn’t resist, I cupped her arse with my hand and pulled her against me. She moaned into my mouth, and I carried her back down to her room.
I spent the next hour devouring her body in every way I could, burning the taste of her lips and skin into my memory so that I could make it through Monday morning without her. After we were both satiated, I held her tightly to me and told her how I felt about her, Phoebe, and life in general. There was really only one way I could sum it up.
“Things are finally on track,” I whispered.
THE EARLY dawn light was just rising when I woke again. I leaned over and kissed Alyssa’s cheek softly.
“I’ll be back later today,” I whispered.
Obviously still fast asleep, she mumbled something incoherent in response. I wrote a quick note, letting her know I would be back later in the morning after my phone call with Dr. Henrikson. Then I crept out the door, pulling it locked behind me.
The shit-eating grin wouldn’t leave my face the whole way back to Mum’s.
When I pulled up in front of her house though, I saw a figure slumped on the doorstep. I recognised the shape at once and nearly ripped the car door off in my haste to get out.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I shouted as I ran across the lawn.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: DADDY ISSUES
I COULDN’T BELIEVE my eyes. Lying prone in front of Mum’s front door, using his suitcase as a pillow, was my father—a man who’d always been proud and strong, and the man I had once looked up to. He leapt up from the position he’d been in when he heard my voice. In a series of short strides, I crossed the lawn and grabbed the front of his shirt.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I repeated in a menacing whisper as I got right up into his face.
“This is my house,” he replied, trying to draw himself up to my height and assert some level of authority. In reality, he just looked pathetic.
“Not anymore,” I hissed in reply. “Mum made it very clear to me that you are no longer welcome.”
He slunk back down again, his shoulders slumping and his head bowing. “I know.”
“All that shit you fed to me about respect. You’re fucking scum.”
He pressed his hand to his face, and if I hadn’t known he was a fucking heartless bastard, I might have thought he was crying.
“Just go, before you hurt her more.” I pointed toward his car.
“I have nowhere to go.”
“What about back to that fucking little whore that you had the nerve to call the love of your life?”
“I can’t.” His voice broke.
Not that I cared, but his statement took me by surprise. “Why not?”
“We had an argument, and she wants her privacy. I . . . gave her the apartment a little while ago, it’s in her name. She doesn’t want me to live with her.”
I didn’t know what I was more pissed about. The fact that he had given her an apartment, or the fact that he had thought he could just come begging back to Mum when he fucked it up with his whore.
“Mum doesn’t want you here either.”
He growled before turning his back on me. He kicked the door in frustration and I thought I heard a quiet yelp from inside the house.
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