I laughed. “There’s nothing fucking potty about my mouth,” I joked.
“Come on,” she said, rising to her feet. “Why don’t I make us a cup of tea and you can tell me what you’ve been up to?”
“That, well, actually that sounds great. Thanks, Ruth.”
Without thinking about it, I hopped up on the kitchen counter while Ruth busied herself making the tea. I rarely drank the stuff these days, but she was being cordial to me and I didn’t want to fuck it up. If I made an effort, I had no doubt Alyssa would find out. Not to mention the fact that being on Ruth’s good side would help my cause with Josh at least—he was nothing if not a mama’s boy.
“So what have you been up to in Sydney?” Ruth asked as she set one of the steaming mugs on the dining table and sat in the seat across from it.
I smirked. “You really don’t want to know.” There was no way I could tell her about the scores of women I’d bedded, the alcohol I’d drunk, or any of the horror that was my first few months down there.
“Something must have been real fascinating to keep you away from our little Alyssa?”
“Not really. That was just me being a stubborn arse. I—” I took a deep breath. “—well, I almost had myself convinced that I was over her. It was only in the dark of night that I knew I wasn’t.”
“You dreamt about her?” she guessed.
Shrugging, I leaned forward for the hot mug and cradled it in my hands. “If I was lucky. If not, I’d lie awake for hours staring at the ceiling while memories of our time together ran endlessly through my head.”
“When did the panic attacks start, sweetie?” Her voice was still full of concern. I just wanted to hug her and say thank you again.
“Almost immediately,” I admitted, my voice almost silent. These were things I’d barely covered with Alyssa. “It started small. Alyssa would call and I would listen as she left a message. Within a week, I found I had to actually clutch tightly to something to stop myself from answering the phone. I honestly thought she’d be better off without any ties to me. I thought she’d move on eventually. Do the things she always wanted to do, you know?”
“That was never going to happen though, you should have known that. Even without the twins, she could never have forgotten about you any more than you could forget about her.”
“I know that now,” I whispered. “But I thought I knew better. Eventually, holding on to something wasn’t enough. That was when the insomnia started. All within a few weeks of being in Sydney. I should have known then that what I really wanted was to be back by her side. But the real problem was that I wanted to be at Sinclair Racing too. It was my dream job, and I couldn’t just walk away.”
Ruth glanced over the rim of her mug as she waited for me to continue the story.
I put my own mug back on the table and stared into the milky-brown liquid.
“That’s . . .” I sighed. “Well, that’s when things became dark.” I wasn’t going to tell her exactly how dark, I wouldn’t be able to bear the look of disgust or pity that might cross her face. “I began to manage the only way I was able.”
“Alcohol and women?” Ruth asked.
I nodded because there was no point denying what she clearly knew. It was pretty much public record after all. “For a while I tried sleeping tablets too, and they worked, but they just became another in a long line of addictions. The more time that passed, the harder it was just to pick up the phone. I think I knew that if I did, I’d be back in her arms in an instant.”
Not for the first time, I wondered what life would have been like if I had succumbed to the urge to reconnect sooner. Would I have had to give up racing, or would we have found a way to make it all work?
Glancing over at Ruth, wordlessly absorbing my confession like a priest, it became clear once more that the hole in my life hadn’t just been Alyssa-sized. There had been so many other connections I’d severed to avoid a reunion.
“I kept all her phone messages though,” I continued. “I would play them occasionally when I was unable to sleep. I did such a good job of convincing myself that I didn’t need her—I told myself it was only a piece of home I was missing, not her—that hearing her voice reminded me of easier times.” My words reminded me of my temper tantrum with the answering machine. I’d lost all of the messages because I’d thrown the damn thing against the wall. I hung my head. “I was a fucking fool.”
“But you’re here now,” Ruth said.
Raising my head again, I met her eyes. “And I’m not leaving her again.”
She smiled at me. “That’s all I need to know. Alyssa has made it clear to me what she wants and if my baby girl wants you, I’m not going to argue. I just need to know you’re not going to hurt her again.”
I shook my head. “Never.”
She stood and took her mug to the sink. “Then I wish you both well. And Declan?”
Twisting in my seat, I glanced at her.
She turned and gave me a small smile. “Don’t leave it so long before you talk to me again, yeah?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I said, giving her a mock-salute.
A noise from the bedroom—a small voice calling out—indicated that Phoebe was stirring.
“Shall I?” Ruth asked.
“Do you mind if I do?” I didn’t want to cause problems between Ruth and me, especially when I’d just aired my dirty laundry, but I was the one Alyssa asked to babysit and didn’t want to shirk my duties. Ruth shook her head and gave me a little smile.
When I poked my head into Phoebe’s room, she beamed at me. I wondered if she’d thought I’d be gone when she woke. She stood on her bed and held out her arms. “Cuddles!”
I walked over and collected her into my arms. “Did you have a good sleep?”
She nodded and snuggled into my chest, and I carried her out into the living room. When she saw Ruth she almost squealed the house down.
“Nana!” She wriggled out of my arms and was across the room and into Ruth’s an instant later.
Ruth gave me an apologetic look, but I waved her off. If she made Phoebe happy, I was happy. The fact that Ruth was smiling and hadn’t ripped me a new arsehole like I’d thought she might, helped to keep me in a good mood.
HOURS LATER, the three of us were set up on the floor in the living room playing with Phoebe’s toy cars, car mat, and her dollies when Alyssa came home.
When she walked in the door, her eyes widened in surprise as she caught sight of us. “Mum? What are you doing here?”
“I decided to drop in and see you, to find out how your date went, considering you never called me.”
Alyssa blushed scarlet and I chuckled.
“Are you two all right then?” Alyssa asked warily as she glanced between us.
“Thick as thieves,” Ruth answered as she cast a conspiratorial glance in my direction.
Alyssa looked over at me and I smiled and nodded. She breathed an audible sigh of relief. “Well . . . all right then. Shall I set the dinner table for one more?”
“No, sweetie, it’s all right. I’ve gotta get back and feed your dad. You know how he can get if he doesn’t eat.”
Alyssa laughed, but I made a mental note to ensure Killer Curtis was well fed before I met him again. Ruth hugged everyone goodbye and was gone within ten minutes of Alyssa’s arrival. Although a slight paranoia built that Ruth had only hung around because she didn’t trust me, the truth was she’d never once made me feel like I couldn’t take care of Phoebe.
While I kept Phoebe entertained, Alyssa set about preparing a meal in the kitchen. I felt like an arse for not even thinking about dinner before then, but Ruth, Phoebe, and I had been getting along so well that nothing else had crossed my mind.
I snuck up behind Alyssa while she was at the sink washing some vegetables and wrapped my arms around her from behind. She leaned back against me and gave a small, delectable moan in response. I used one hand to brush the hair away from her neck and began trailing small kisses along her skin.
The things she inspired in me. Every nerve ending sang with a need to be closer to her. I spun her around and captured her mouth. She kissed me back ferociously. If I hadn’t been hyperaware of the little ears in the next room, I would have taken her then and there.
I released her lips, but held her waist. “I was thinking, maybe I could stay here for a few days. I mean, that is if you don’t mind.”
She let out a shaky breath and shook her head. “I don’t mind.”
Moving one of my hands around her body, I caressed her crotch through her pants. “That’s good. Because I have a number of plans and it might take some time to work through them all.”
I pressed her into the bench so that she knew what she’d done to me. I was solid as a rock.
Alyssa breathed into my ear, “I like plans.” She grabbed my erection and it was my turn to groan. Her skilful fingers wrapped around it even through my shorts. God, I was so ready for her. She knew it and she smirked as she dropped her hand. “Unfortunately, I have to prepare sustenance for everyone and then get a certain little someone off to bed first.”
I blinked but was unable to do anything more. Not with the promise of hot sex burning in my mind. I wanted her so badly, even more after the little things I’d learned today. Gritting my teeth, and breathing through my nose, I willed away my erection. I just had to wait a few short hours. Finally, I gathered up enough strength to move my mouth and ask how her day was.
The night ran smoothly from there. We all ate and then watched a bit of TV. Phoebe—the little Judas—ratted me out to Alyssa, telling her about the ice-cream lunch, but thankfully Alyssa didn’t seem too upset. She cast me the evil eye for a moment, but then smiled and shook her head a little in a slightly mocking way. As if that was what she’d expected to happen. It should have made me feel like a failure, only it didn’t.
Fuck, she was good for me.
Alyssa bathed and dressed Phoebe again, and then at bedtime we both read Phoebe some stories until her eyes shut, and we left the room in silence.
The instant Alyssa had pulled Phoebe’s door shut, Alyssa attacked me. Her hands were in my hair, then tugging at my pants, and then pulling at my shirt. Even as her fingers worked their way over my body, her lips touched my lips, then my neck where she nipped and sucked at my skin. Her whole being was in constant motion in my arms. I held her as close as I could, grinding myself against her as we connected. She turned to head toward the bedroom, but I stopped her. There was something else I wanted to do.
The thought of screwing her near the kitchen sink, of finishing exactly what she’d started earlier, had been playing through my mind, and I wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less.
Leaving the light off, I moved her into position and worked my zipper down, leaving the button done so my shorts didn’t fall around my feet. Then I pushed down my boxers just far enough to release my erection. I propped Alyssa up on the bench, pulling her skirt up and pushing her undies to the side. Lining myself up, I drove hard into her.
She cried out a little, her voice thick with lust. “Oh, fuck me, Dec.” She bit her lip and dropped her head as her hands gripped my shoulders, holding me as I followed her instruction.
Reaching down between us, I rubbed my thumb along her clit while I continued to slam against her. Before long, she came around me, and I followed just moments later.
Without breaking our connection, I started to love her the way she deserved. First kissing her lips, and then trailing my mouth along her neck and shoulders. I pulled her shirt open and caressed her breasts softly.
“God, I can’t help myself around you. I need you so bad,” I whispered.
“It’s okay. I needed that too.” I could see her small smile even in the darkness. “More than you could know,” she added in a whisper.
Lifting her off the bench, I carried her to the bedroom where I would spend all night loving her if she allowed me to.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: DO-OVER
AFTER A LONG sleep-in and pancakes for breakfast, Alyssa, Phoebe, and I finally emerged from the house around noon. The doctor called my phone while I was in bed, but recalling his words of doubt, I didn’t want to talk to him so I let it go to message bank.
When our day finally got underway properly, I took them both to Ben and Jade’s. I had, despite Alyssa’s concerns, organised for the pair to watch Phoebe for the evening while Alyssa and I had our date in the city—the one I’d planned with the concierge at the Suncrest Hotel. Phoebe, for her part, was overjoyed by the idea of staying somewhere new. When she saw their baby, her eyes lit up with excitement. It was an un-fucking-real experience.
I stayed for about an hour with them all, but then I had to leave—there was still too much to be arranged. When I left Alyssa with everyone else, it was with the promise of arranging a car to pick her up and bring her to me when everything was ready. It meant that she and Phoebe had to stay with Ben and Jade for the better part of the afternoon, but that played perfectly into my plan.
Alyssa still had no idea what I’d arranged. The only clue she had was that it required dressing up, and that was only because I’d arranged to have a dress delivered to her a little after three.
The truth was, I was as nervous as fuck about my plan, but I was also determined not to fuck up the opportunity. If I could, I would have actually rewritten history.
Because that was impossible, I was instead going to try replacing it with something a little happier.
When everything was nearly ready, I glanced around the room and surveyed the handiwork of the team of staff who were still running around doing the final preparation for the night. Fairy lights covered almost every inch of the ceiling; they were the only thing lighting the room. Sheer white curtains enclosed the dance floor, making it into a private oasis. Satisfied, I walked around the table and dance floor one last time, greeting everyone personally. I could tell the racing fans from the others—they were the ones with a star-struck look when they shook my hand.
Finally, I called everyone together for a quick explanation of how the night would run. I ensured the DJ had the playlist I had created as well as strict instructions not to play a single damn song that wasn’t on that fucking list. Everyone nodded and agreed, and I smiled.
It was going to be perfect or heads were going to roll.
With nothing else left to do, I pulled out my phone for the fifteenth time. Ben was supposed to call me the instant Alyssa left their house so that I would have time to change without being dressed too early, and he hadn’t called yet. For a few more minutes, I watched the screen, before throwing the phone in my pocket again and heading to the toilets to get changed anyway. It wouldn’t matter if I was in the monkey suit for a few minutes longer than absolutely necessary. For the night, I’d gone all out and bought a proper tuxedo, with a bowtie and all. The suit was sharp lines of black and white, but the bow tie was bright red and matched the dress I’d bought for Alyssa. Or more specifically, the dress the shop assistant had assured me would be perfect based on the photo I had of Alyssa.
I was halfway through doing up my shirt when my phone finally rang. I stumbled around after it, pulling it loose from the pocket of the pants I’d cast off moments earlier. “Hello?”
“Young Declan,” a female voice I didn’t immediately recognise said. It had a certain calm menace to it.
“Who is this?” I asked.
The voice laughed and a shiver ran down my spine. The cougaresque tones gave away who it was. “I’m hurt, Declan.”
“Ms. Wood,” I said coolly.
“Please, I’ve told you before, call me Paige.”
“What do you want, Ms. Wood?” Calling her by her first name would indicate comfort and familiarity. Despite the moment between us at Bathurst, I felt neither.
“I’m calling to see if I can borrow your star power.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Why?”
“There’s a little fundraiser in town tomorrow night and I’m trying to drum up some extra i
nterest.”
I was confused why she was calling me, and for more reasons than just the obvious—that I’d turned down every offer she’d ever made to join her team. Bathurst hadn’t exactly been the first, it had just been the first I’d even partly stopped to listen to her. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Bahrain?”
“Ah, see my boy, that’s where the problem comes. I promised I would front a driver for this charity thing in Brisbane, but I didn’t realise how close it was to the Bahrain race. Unfortunately, Hunter has already left the country and is unavailable to attend.”
How the fuck is that my problem? I remained silent.
“Then it occurred to me that you had some spare time on your hands, and I wondered if you might like to go in his place?”
I blinked, uncomprehending. “You want me to go to some charity event to represent you? I drive for Holden and Sinclair, not for Ford or Wood.”
“I know,” she said, her voice almost soft and musical. Her attempt at seductive. Once, it might have worked on me. Now, it had nothing on Alyssa’s voice, which was sexy without her even trying. “Alas, you are my last resort. I hate to let down a charity. They wanted to raffle off signed ProV8 merchandise to raise vital funds.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my thumb and forefinger across my eyelids. I was getting tired of this dance of hers. “Look, Paige,” I relented, using her name in the hope she’d think I’d seriously considered her request. “I’d love to help. I really would. But I’ve got my own stuff going on right now, and frankly, I don’t think they’d like a Holden driver signing Ford merchandise.”
“Young Declan,” I could hear the condescension in her voice, “I will ensure they have ProV8 materials only, nothing to reference either Ford or Holden.”
“I just don’t think I can make it, I’m afraid.” I was still trying to be polite, but my voice was cold.
“Oh, that is a shame. Especially when it’s such a worthy cause. Those poor sick children.”
I knew I was going to regret it as soon as the thought came to mind, but I had to ask. “What kids?”
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