“You were.”
“No, I—” I trailed off. Fuck, I had been looking for a reason to leave. When I found that stupid, beautiful ring, it gave me the excuse I needed. “I don’t know how to be in a relationship. For the past eight years I’ve been all over the world, never staying in one place long enough to get attached.”
“Have you figured out what you’re running from yet?”
I shook my head. “I need to talk to Violet.”
Gage threw a pair of basketball shorts my way. “Get dressed and I’ll take you home.”
Gage and I walked into the house. With one look at me, Jaxon went to find Violet. Sometimes my brother-in-law wasn’t such a bad guy. My head ached and my heart hurt. I appreciated that Gage had taken such good care of me. Somehow I would have to pay him back.
“Taylor, what’s wrong?” Vi asked as she came rushing in. To my horror, tears pricked at my eyes.
“I need you,” I whispered.
We walked to my room, her frame supporting me the whole way because I wasn’t sure I could make it on my own. The weight of every bad decision I had made since the night I found that beautiful, stupid ring was on my shoulders.
"I’m so lost." Tears streamed down my face unchecked. "I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared, and hurt, and mad, and confused all at the same time and I can’t handle it. Stephen is everything to me, but all I do is hurt him.”
“What about Rhys?”
“What about him? He’s never been more than a friend. There’s something there, but it doesn’t even compare to what I have with Stephen. Rhys realizes that and he isn't pushing for more.”
“What do you want?”
“To not be terrified of wanting more. To be able to stay in one place without feeling like my skin is crawling.”
“You’ve been here a year and a half, Tay. And I’ve never heard you say anything about moving.”
I pulled the pillow onto my lap and hugged it to my stomach. “Why can’t I just grow up? Just because everyone else fucks up their relationships doesn’t mean I’m going to. Right?”
"You see the absolute worst case scenarios and expect the same to happen to you. Mom and Dad were horrible for each other. Mom is the fucking devil." She sighed. "Aaron and I were toxic from the beginning, but I felt pressured to marry him. It honestly surprised me it didn’t blow up in my face sooner. And Emmy and Mason have their own issues. I think its Mason more than Em, but you can’t use them as an example. Look at me and Jax though, we’ve been married almost two years now and I’ve never been happier. He loves me and I love him. We made Harp together.”
I sniffled. “What should I do? Stephen isn’t even talking to me.”
“Don't you communicate for a living? Write him a letter and I’ll make sure he gets it. And reads it.”
That wasn't a horrible idea. Why was I so scared to put myself out there?
“Violet, what if he won’t forgive me?”
“He misses you too; he wouldn’t have shown up last night if he didn’t. He didn't tell anyone he was coming. We all saw how you reacted to that song. Jaxon overreacted, and he feels like an asshole. I just want you to be happy, with or without Stephen.”
“I’m sorry I’ve put you in the middle of this. It wasn’t fair you had to walk the tightrope of being my sister and his friend. Jax told me last night how much it’s been hurting you. I'm being so selfish that I didn't think of you in all this.”
“He exaggerates because he’s worried about me. I’ve been exhausted lately with school and Harper. He wants to take away any stress he can because he likes taking care of me. That’s how a real, healthy relationship works.”
I closed my eyes. “Okay. I’ll do it.”
“Good girl. Now, go take a shower. You smell like the bottom of a whiskey barrel.”
I laughed. “Thanks, sis. Love you too.”
She kissed my forehead, and I hugged her tight. It was moments like this that I was thankful for my amazing big sister.
I sighed as I looked down at the empty paper on my desk. Seriously, this shouldn’t be that hard. I’m a writer for goodness sake. Why couldn’t I find the words to get across what I wanted to say? All I needed to say was that I was hopelessly in love with him and I was sorry that I fucked everything up so many times. That’s not too difficult, right?
The paper stared back at me, mocking my existence.
Damn it.
My hand shook as I picked up the pen. This time I wouldn't hold back. I would let the words flow and not be scared of my feelings.
Stephen,
I miss you so much. It's not just missing you though; part of my soul is missing without you. I’ve been so stupid. Pushing you away was the worst mistake of my life. You've always meant more to me than I let myself admit.
When I was fifteen, I caught my mother having an affair. I begged her to tell my father and go get counseling for their marriage. She laughed at me and told me I had a very naive view of what a real marriage should be like. To her, marriage to my father was only a means to an end. He provided money and status and she used him for it.
She also said I should never settle in a marriage and that I should only be with someone for what they could give me. For years I had to listen to her toxic opinions about love, marriage, cheating, and relationships. It scared me. It actually did more than that, it made me terrified to let someone into my heart because I was afraid of what they might do. While I never believed myself capable of the shit she pulled, I knew that it was possible someone might hurt me if I opened up.
When I found the ring, it made every insecurity I had come flying back. Not because I thought you would hurt me, but because I was terrified of the future. What happened if I became so blinded by you and you cheated on me? I would be lost. Absolutely devastated. Or what if you decided you didn't want to be with me anymore because I wasn't enough for you?
It didn’t matter that I trust you more than I trust myself. In order to fall in love with you I would have to let my guard down enough to let someone know the real me. This is about more than me or you. Part of the problem is that I’ve already fallen in love with you. I’ve been battling what I want versus not hurting you because honestly, I don’t know that I will ever be ready for a real, amazing, perfect relationship.
For you I want to try though. If you are still willing to help me conquer my fears I want all of that with you. I want what Jaxon and Violet have. I want to be that couple everyone else is jealous of. Please don’t give up on me, Stephen. Save me, like you've always said you wanted to.
I’ll always love you,
Taylor
Violet had agreed with me to go have coffee with Rhys. I wanted to make sure it was a group setting, plus she was curious about my new friend. We sat around the table at the little diner and my elbow constantly brushed against his. Each little touch was a spark between us. The conversation had been good until Vi made a snarky comment about my work.
“Seriously, I’m only twenty-five, why do I have to have everything figured out? I make enough money to live off of my writing. Isn’t that acceptable to be considered a career?”
She frowned. “Don’t you want to do more?”
“Not necessarily. I enjoy being able to work from anywhere. It's easy to pick up and go to New York for a weekend if I want. There’s nothing to hold me back.”
“But you write blog posts. Are they even still relevant?” she challenged.
“I still read blogs, and quite a few people make money from them,” Rhys chimed in. I shot Violet a triumphant smirk.
“Vi, I know you’re concerned, but I promise I’m not bored and I’m not living off my trust fund. I enjoy writing, and not everything I write is blog posts. I freelance so I’m not tied down. Hell if I want to write a novel about my insane relationship issues or my annoying sister, I could.”
“There’s the real root of the issue. You’re so restless Taylor. You can't choose just one thing to focus on.”
I took
a sip of my coffee, trying to mask my irritation. It annoyed me that everything always comes back to me not staying in one place for long. Who cared that I went to fourteen countries in the year I lived in Europe? The fact that I was well traveled never occurred to anyone.
“You traveled around Europe for a bit,” Rhys said. “I bet you learned all sorts of interesting shit, didn’t you?”
Thank goodness someone's on my side. I gave him a grateful smile.
“I did actually. The year I spent in Europe was amazing. People, food, culture; the United States doesn’t compare to the traditions and history from over there. I learned to speak French and Italian fluently. I would love to go back someday,” I narrowed my eyes at Violet, “but that doesn’t mean I’m booking a ticket tomorrow.”
She waved her hands in front of her in a truce. “I never said that. All I meant was you get distracted too easily.”
There was a reason I moved around a lot, but it had nothing to do with being bored. It had more to do with the fact that I was terrified of having relationships. Violet didn't understand what happened back home in Georgia and I hoped she never did.
“I enjoy seeing the world."
Rhys squeezed my arm. “I think it’s admirable. It doesn’t do any good to be locked up forever. All the time I’ve spent building up my business, it’s just not worth it some days."
My arm tingled where he had touched it. The tension between us was almost deafening. Why was I so attracted to him even when all I could think about was Stephen? I had enough problems that I really didn’t need to add onto them with whatever this was.
“So I know you buy bars, but what else do you do, Rhys?” Violet asked.
“I own five of them altogether. The bars alone would bring enough for me to live on, but I also deal in real estate. My brother and I used to flip houses, do all the work ourselves, really get in there and help. We shed a lot of blood, sweat, and tears when we first started, but now we have our own construction company that does the hard work.”
“I have this bathroom at the beach house—”
“Violet, no,” I cut her off. “You are not getting Rhys involved in that stupid bathroom. Just let Jaxon hire the guy like he wants.”
She pursed her lips, unhappy that I was siding with her husband. “But—”
I turned towards Rhys. “She’s been on a renovation kick lately. Violet thinks she’s a DIYer who can fix anything. Jax is going to go nuts the next time he comes in and she’s knocked a hole in a wall or ripped out carpet.”
“It only happened once,” she defended.
Rhys’ husky chuckle filled the air and goosebumps rose on my arms. “Do you know anything about construction?”
“No, but I watch people on TV all the time. If they can do it so can I.”
“Seriously, you just need to stick with acting.” I shook my head. Sometimes my sister was a little relentless when she came up with an idea. “Harper will be crawling around on concrete if you don’t get the hardwood floors down soon.”
“Who builds a house on the beach and puts in carpet,” she mumbled.
“That is pretty stupid,” Rhys agreed, trying to keep a straight face. His eyes twinkled in amusement.
This man was something else. I enjoyed his company, even without the encouragement of alcohol, and he put up with my insane sister. We had a lot in common. It seemed unreal that I had found this guy in a bar in the middle of nowhere and then he magically showed up in California. I thought I would never see him again, but I’m happy I did. If he hadn’t looked so damn shocked that first night, I might have believed he'd followed me, but you couldn’t fake that kind of surprise.
Rhys Brooks was the kind of man that got what he wanted and right now he was looking at me like I was dinner.
My phone chimed, and I looked down to read the incoming text. I had to finish the article I was working on, like yesterday. It wasn't often that I forgot a deadline and had to rush to get my work submitted on time, but with everything going on in my personal life, I was distracted. Amanda’s name popped up on the screen and I smiled.
Drinks tonight at Crossfire?
Anywhere but there. I wanted to go somewhere we wouldn’t run into anyone we knew. Rhys owned the bar; chances were high that he would be there, especially since he was still trying to get the place set up on his system.
How about Flint?
I shot the text back and hoped she agreed. Amanda's pretty laid back, so she wouldn’t have an issue, but I didn’t want to explain why I wanted to switch everything through text.
See you at 8.
Four hours later, and a completed article submitted on time thank you very much, I met Amanda at the bar. She already had a table when I showed up. Perks of being a movie star I guess. It happened to Stephen and Violet all the time. You would think I might get used to it, but even now it still weirded me out.
“Sorry I’m late.”
She sighed. “You aren’t. I was early. It was one of those days and I wanted a drink.”
"It seems like every time you come out we keep missing each other."
The waitress brought over two vodka tonics and set them down in front of Amanda. I raised an eyebrow, and she shrugged. The waitress took my order, and I refocused my attention to my friend.
“Okay, so what’s going on that you’re double fisting it before I even sit down?”
“Men suck.”
I laughed dryly. “Oh honey, I know.”
“I’m so sick of dating assholes.”
“What happened with Scott? You guys were all hot and heavy for a while.”
“He's nice and sweet and I liked him, but we just sort of drifted apart. It was hard when I was filming in Canada because we only saw each other every few weeks.”
She downed half of her glass in one drink. Apparently, it was going to be one of those nights. Fine by me. The waitress set my drink down in front of me, and I asked her to bring me another. She smiled and winked, fully aware that we planned to be here awhile.
“So do you want to hear a story that will make you cry and laugh at the same time?”
“Sure, I need to think about something other than my own issues.”
I told her all about Stephen and my impromptu trip to Vegas, Georgia, and finally New York. When I told her about my guy trouble coming from Vegas she laughed. Then I told her about sexy bartender boy showing up at Crossfire, and I thought her drink might come out of her nose.
“Oh my, Taylor. You always have something going on, don’t you?”
“I wish things weren’t so fucking complicated. On top of everything I’ve slept with Stephen twice since I’ve been back.”
“It’s a freaking clusterfuck.”
“No kidding,” I scowled. That set her off laughing again, and I tried not to join in. After drinking both of my whiskeys things didn’t seem quite so bad. My fucked up life was hilarious.
“We should have had Vi come with us. She would only talk about how great Jax is though. It’s not fair. I want someone to look at me like he looks at her,” she said pouting.
“You’ll get that one day.”
“So will you.”
“Maybe,” I said quietly. I took another sip of whiskey and pasted a smile on my face. The problem was I had that, and I pushed it away. Suddenly everything didn’t seem quite so funny anymore.
I tried to wait patiently, but patience and an un-caffeinated Taylor were working against me. It was probably a bad idea to be here, but I wanted to straighten things out between me and Rhys. He did a double take when he saw me sitting on the small deck outside his apartment. He looked amazing. Apparently he’d been running because he was shirtless, covered in a light sheen of sweat and dressed in only a pair of mesh basketball shorts. It took everything I had not to lick his tan skin.
I needed to focus.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing here?” he asked with a guarded smile.
“I thought we should talk.”
He
cocked his head to the side. “Come on inside. I’ll grab a shirt and make some coffee.”
“Coffee,” I moaned. “I came over this morning before I had any.”
He unlocked the door and ushered me in. “So what was so important that you couldn’t wait until you’d had caffeine to come over?”
I looked at him and sighed. “Go get a shirt on and we’ll talk.”
He grinned. “You’re telling me to put on clothes, that’s completely opposite of how I would normally want this conversation to go.”
I laughed. “Go put on clothes, perv.”
Not going to lie, I looked at his ass as he walked away. So sue me, I wasn’t dead. Men in basketball shorts were one of my weaknesses.
As I looked over the bookshelves in his small apartment, I was surprised. He had taken the time to put up pictures. There were some of him and his brother and another woman that I assumed was his mother. It was charming that he wanted to make this place feel like home even though he wouldn't be here long.
He didn't press his body to mine, but I felt the heat from him as he came up behind me. “I do that everywhere I go. I travel a lot, and it gets lonely living out of a suitcase.”
“You have a beautiful family.” My fingers ran along the side of the silver frame.
He sighed. “I just wish I saw them more.”
“So where’s this coffee you promised me?”
We walked to the kitchen, and I sat down at the table while he fired up the Keurig. He handed me the steaming cup and some creamer for me to doctor it up.
How did he know how I took my coffee?
“Okay, Taylor. Why don’t you tell me what your early morning visit is about?”
I cleared my scattered thoughts and took a deep breath. “I wanted to talk to you about what’s going on between us. I really like you Rhys, but I’m committed to making my relationship work with Stephen. We’ve been through a lot, but if I can I want to fix things with him.”
Restless (Relentless Series Book 2) Page 7
