“How much did we drink?” Emmy asked laying her head on the table.
“Too much. I don’t even know.”
“Did it make you feel better?”
“No. You?”
“No. We need a new plan.”
“Staring at the cabana boy?”
Emmy laughed, and then winced. “For now that sounds like a great solution.”
We spent the last of our vacation out by the pool. The trip was something we both needed. I was happy she had suggested it, or rather demanded I show up, in typical Emmy fashion. At the airport, we hugged goodbye and promised to call soon. Sometimes getting away from everything was the best therapy.
I wasn’t as nervous as I sat on the black leather couch waiting for Dr. Harris. My foot didn’t bounce and my nails were safe.
“So Taylor, did you think about what we discussed last time?”
“I did.”
She smiled at me. “What did you find out?”
“My parents had a horrible relationship. I watched them fight for years. Dixie Montgomery is a selfish bitch. I caught her having an affair when I was a kid, and she told me that my father deserved it because he never paid attention to her. She had issues with herself, not with daddy, to behave that way. It killed me when I found out she said she would kill herself if he left her.” I stopped, choking back tears. Holding my finger up, I indicated I needed a minute to compose myself.
Damn.
Only the second visit and this bitch had me crying.
“My father deserved better than her,” I whispered.
“You blame her for a lot.”
“She made me believe it would leave me vulnerable to love one man; I would get hurt and that I couldn’t trust anyone. At fifteen, that really fucked with my head. Somewhere along the way I started to believe her bullshit. Stephen knows me. I only ran away because I was scared, not because I was antsy to leave.”
"What else does Stephen think about your relationship with your mother?"
"He blames her for a lot of our issues. It's not all her fault though. Some of the blame is mine for listening to what she said. I should have confronted her sooner."
"How do you think it will go when you talk to her?"
"Horribly. I'm going to completely cut her out of my life unless she stops drinking. Violet has been the only one there for me throughout the years. I loved my father dearly, but he had his own issues to deal with, mainly my mother. My whole life changed when I realized the type of person she was, but that doesn't mean I have to continue letting her affect it now."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I want to confront her and talk to Stephen. He's who I want to be with, and somehow despite how screwed up I am, I hope he still wants to be with me. Unless I messed it up beyond repair last time."
"You aren't screwed up, Taylor. You just have to figure out your life without letting your past define your future. I don't believe that someone with the feelings you share with Stephen would be able to shut down and be unwilling to listen to you. You need to be honest."
"I know, but it's hard to see past leaving Stephen. When I saw the ring, I panicked. I'm not sure I'm ready for marriage, but I know that I want a relationship with him. He's my home. Maybe in the future I'll be ready to take that step."
“Progress,” she said pulling off her glasses and giving me a rare, tight-lipped smile.
My phone rang, and I immediately groaned. Emmy had been calling every few hours to check in on me and it was getting old. I looked down and did a double take. Dixie was calling, not Em.
What the hell does she want?
Hesitating briefly, I swiped my finger across the screen.
“Hello mother.”
“You don’t have to sound like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m an inconvenience.”
You are most of the time.
I sighed. “What do you need mother?”
“I need you to tell Violet she’s being ridiculous making me speak with Sidney every time I need something. It would be so much simpler if I could just talk to her.”
“Didn’t you tell Vi that she was the reason you drank?”
“That was ages ago. And I didn’t mean it.” I had nothing to say to that. How do you tell your mother she’s a fucking sociopath? “Anyway, just tell her to answer my calls.”
“I can’t do that, mother.”
“And why not?”
“Because I’m not Violet’s keeper, plus I think she’s doing the right thing by not talking to you. You haven’t given her much reason to. Her life is good and letting you back in it wouldn’t be a positive thing for anyone involved.”
My mother squawked in indignation. It was highly entertaining. I pulled the phone away from my ear while she went on and on. Violet walked into my room and looked at me questioningly. I mouthed Dixie at her and she laughed.
“Mother, really. You’ve screwed up our lives for far too long. I’m missing out on a great thing because of you.”
“I never liked Stephen.”
I stared at the phone in disbelief. How in the hell did she know about Stephen? This woman didn't pay attention to anything further than the end of her vodka bottle, normally.
“Of course you didn’t.”
“He was never going to be successful.”
“Actually, Stephen’s a really talented actor. He’s won an Oscar, you know?” That shut her up for a minute. “Look, I understand you’re my mother, but I lost respect for your opinion a long time ago. I never should have let your mistakes dictate what I thought I was capable of in my own life. Stephen loves me, and I love him. You were a shitty wife, but that doesn’t mean Daddy didn’t love you in his own way.”
“What exactly are you trying to say, Magnolia?”
“I’m done being unhappy just because you are. You’re the one that couldn’t be happy with a man who loved you, but I don't have to keep making your mistakes. Don’t call me again, Dixie. I’m through listening to your toxic negativity.”
She started to say something, but I hung up quickly. Violet had warned me of our mother’s issues, but I never realized how true it was until now. It was time I started cutting out the pessimism in my life. If I wanted things to work with Stephen, I needed to make strides in the right direction.
“What did the bitch want?” Vi asked as soon as I hung up.
“Just the same old shit; she wants me to be as unhappy and miserable as she is. She also told me to convince you to answer your phone when she calls.”
She laughed. “Fat chance of that happening. The best thing I ever did was cut her off. It’s sad because she is our mother, but she hates life and doesn’t want to accept responsibility for her own issues.”
“I’m realizing that. I felt responsible for her for so long.”
“I know, but she’s your mother, not the other way around.”
I smiled sadly. “If only she understood that.”
Vi sat down next to me on the bed and pulled me into a hug. “We have each other. That’s all that matters.”
I squeezed her back. “Yep. You can’t get rid of me, even when I’m being a huge idiot.”
“You’re figuring it out, honey.”
“With all the shit I’ve been through lately, it’s time.”
“It’s called growing up.”
“You sound a lot like Gage.”
She smiled. “He’s pretty damn smart sometimes, but don’t you dare tell him I said that.”
“Never!” I said laughing.
She grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen. Jax and Violet would always make me feel like a part of their family. But for the first time ever, I didn't think it was enough for me. It was time to stop talking and whining and actually do the work to make some changes in my life.
My nerves were completely on edge knowing I would see Stephen for the first time since my appointment with Dr. Harris. Four long weeks since I had told him I was done with our relationshi
p. It was Harper’s first birthday party and everyone who was considered family would be at the house helping us celebrate. That included Stephen. He was making a special trip back just for the party, hence the butterflies I had trying to escape from my stomach.
I had chosen cute shorts with lace on the edges and a blue Aztec crop top, layered with a flowing black tank top over the top. A long silver necklace dangled between my breasts, accentuating what little curves I had. I took a long time to pick out the perfect outfit for today. It wouldn’t be okay if I looked like I had been pining for him after I sent him away, even though I had been.
My fingers shook as I put beautiful, red strawberries on a serving platter for guests. Violet had been going insane trying to plan Harper’s first birthday. Apparently she expected it to look like something off of Pinterest. If it had been me, I would have given the kid some animal crackers and let her crawl around in the sand all afternoon. This is why Vi is a better mom than I ever would be. She thought about these things and wanted them to be special, even though Harp wouldn't remember it.
“Are you almost done?” Violet asked looking over my shoulder.
“Yep. What’s next?”
“Everyone should be here soon. I need to get ready before people start showing up. Can you carry everything out to the deck?”
“Sure, no problem.”
She ran off to go get showered and changed, and I carried platters back and forth. On the last trip I took one more than I should have. My shoe got caught on a board as I stepped over the threshold and I almost fell. Strong arms grabbed me from behind and studied the platter before I could drop the glass plate.
“Careful there, baby.”
Stephen.
I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath.
Mistake number one because the familiar smell of his spicy cologne almost brought me to tears. I straightened my expression before turning back to him.
“Hey,” I whispered. “Thanks for saving the strawberries.”
“You’re welcome.” He took the platter from me and carried it the last few feet to the table. “You look good, Taylor.”
I eyed him up and down. He looked amazing. It had only been a few weeks since I had seen him last, but he’d been hitting the gym. The arms of his button-down shirt were tighter than normal. The sleeves were rolled up and the sight of his muscled forearms had me practically drooling.
“So do you.”
He walked over and hugged me gently. His scruff rubbed against my jaw as he whispered in my ear. “I’ve missed you.” I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. He wasn’t playing fair. “Can we talk later?”
I nodded slowly, afraid to speak.
Without a doubt this party would drag by.
I watched from the corner of the living room as Harper opened all of her presents. Each one was painfully slow. Violet was determined for her to open them all though. Even Jax was looking a little frayed around the edges as we dutifully watched. Stephen kept glancing in my direction as we sat. I knew because I kept doing the same. We had this unspoken agreement that once this was done, it was time for us to talk.
Waiting was slowly killing me.
Finally, Harper pulled the bow off of her last present and we were free. Stephen made his way out to the back deck. I glanced around to make sure no one would miss me and started after him. Jax asked me to grab a garbage bag before I could get five feet away. I gritted my teeth and got the bag for him. Harper squealed as I came closer and demanded my attention. I picked up my niece and stared into her beautiful blue eyes. Stephen could wait for a few more minutes for her. It was her birthday after all. We played peek-a-boo and when she grew tired of it I passed her off to Sophia.
“I was starting to think you changed your mind,” Stephen said as I walked out onto the deck, closing the door behind me.
“No, I just got shanghaied by the best.” He looked at me questioningly. “Harper.”
His husky chuckle filled the air, and I felt it low in my belly. It had been too long since I had heard that sound. This wasn’t about sex though; this was about us actually talking about what we want. We walked down into the sand and turned the opposite direction of our house. Neither of us wanted that particular distraction.
“How have you been?”
Honestly?” I asked. “Not great.”
He smiled sadly. “Me neither. I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks.”
“Me too.”
“Let me start, please." He took a deep breath. "I gave up on us too easily. I let you give up too easily. We didn’t fight for our relationship when we should have; instead we just fought each other. All I wanted was to be with you, but I kept blaming you for things. Things you really had no control over.” He stopped and grabbed my wrist gently. “Let me fight for you, Taylor.”
“Stephen—”
He took my hand in his and kissed my palm, stopping me. “Baby, I love you. I’ve loved you since we were kids. We can do this right. After losing you the first time, I should have been thankful that you found your way back to me. Instead I was a prick, and I tried to hurt you back. All I want to do is love you, but damned if you make it easy to do, Taylor.” He brushed his fingers over my cheeks to wipe away my tears. “You didn’t deserve any of it. I continued to be jealous of Rhys when I had no reason to be. Every time you told me that, I ignored it and pretended like I knew what you were thinking. In all honesty, I was just scared that you were trying to hurt me like I hurt you.”
“Oh, Stephen,” I said softly. He squeezed my hand and continued.
“You’ve always been restless and I get that, but you’ve let me into your life. You came back to California, to me, and I threw that back in your face. Everything you wrote in that letter helped me understand why, but I couldn’t make myself get over my insecurities. I’m done with punishing you and being jealous of Rhys. Please forgive me, baby.”
“I forgive you, Stephen. There was never a question of that. Is this what you truly want?”
“Without a doubt. I love you, Magnolia Taylor Montgomery. What do you want?”
“I’ve wanted you since before I even left, but I’ve been terrified to actually let myself get close enough to you again to try. I love you so much and I’m sorry. When we slipped back into old habits, I was so happy. But it scared me because I was afraid you would push me away again, so I fought back first. I'm going to therapy to figure things out. I don't want to lose you again. You are my home, Stephen.”
His lips pressed to mine, and I melted into his chest. I threaded my fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck. He pulled back and placed his forehead against mine.
“So where do we go from here?”
“We just need to take things slowly for a while.”
“For how long?”
“When do you get back in town?”
He thought for a second. “Next Thursday.”
“Okay, when you get back, we can make sure we're still on the same page. We can make it that long, right?”
He smirked and I knew that my phone would be blown up the whole time he was gone. I already knew what my decision would be, but I wanted him to be sure this was exactly what he wanted for our future. For us to go forward, we needed to make sure we could let go of the past.
The warmth of the bonfire heated my skin. I loved the calming sense of peace that came over me as we sat out on the beach. It was the first time in forever that I felt truly content. There wasn’t any lingering doubt or stress from deadlines looming over my head. For once, I was letting myself be in this moment.
After the party, we all decided to sit around and enjoy spending time with everyone. It wasn’t often that we got to hang out together, so we wanted to take advantage. The tension between Stephen and me was gone, which I’m sure no one overlooked, but they weren’t commenting on it. Thank goodness.
Stephen looked over at me and nudged my foot with his. “Why am I the only one that hasn’t seen this YouTube video?”
I groaned.
“Aww, why are you complaining? You were good," Gage said laughing.
“Emmy called me the next morning and asked if she could sign me.”
Jax and Stephen laughed.
“You’re kidding me,” Violet said giggling.
“I wish I was. She woke me up at six to ask why she'd never heard me sing like that. I blew her off.”
“You know she'll bug you again later, right?” Stephen countered.
“Ugh. Don’t remind me.”
“You should sing for us now. Be the entertainment, Taylor,” Jax said.
“Quit being a dick,” I griped.
“I’m serious. I’ve only seen this phenomenon twice.”
I dipped my head to the side to think for a moment. I took a moment to decide what to sing, but after a few seconds I decided on “Everybody’s Got Somebody But Me” by Hunter Hays. The catchy beat was exactly what I needed right that second. As I finished up, Stephen had a small smile curling at his lips. Gage and Amanda clapped.
“I take back every snarky comment I’ve ever made about you singing in the shower,” Jax said chuckling.
“Again, don’t be a dick,” I said, trying not to smile.
“Seriously though Taylor, maybe you should take Em up on her offer,” Stephen said.
“That’s not what I want. Singing is the thing I use to get rid of the excess emotions I carry around. It’s not a way to make money or become famous. I have a hard time getting on stage without passing out or throwing up.”
Violet hadn’t said anything, but she had been staring at me since I had finished.
“I’ve known you could sing, but I never pushed you.”
“Vi, seriously. Just drop it. You guys heard me sing; now it’s over.”
She pursed her lips. After a few drinks, Violet tended to say whatever she thought without thinking about it. I hoped this wasn’t one of those times. My cozy little bubble of happiness wasn’t as bright and shiny as it had been. Singing might have been a mistake.
Restless (Relentless Series Book 2) Page 14
