by Amelia Wilde
“No.” I straighten up, dabbing at the corners of my eyes with a napkin and crumpling it into a ball. “Push me. I need a fire lit under my ass to get the hell out of here. I’ve been wasting so much time with—” I can’t even bring myself to say it because it’s so false. None of the time I’ve spent with Ryder has been a waste, even if it’s not going to lead to anything.
That thought is the bleakest one of all.
“I’ve wasted a lot of time just focusing on the café, and not looking for other jobs.” It’s a lame cop-out, and Cece knows it, but she’s my best friend. She doesn’t say a word.
She just goes back to her side of the booth and picks up her glass. “To getting out of Lakewood,” she says, and we clink our glasses in a silence that doesn’t seem very festive. Cece bites her lip. “But Valentine...”
“If you’re going to give me more advice, do it right now before I’ve had any more to drink.”
“Just don’t leave until you’re sure that’s the best thing.”
“Why wouldn’t it be the best?”
Cece shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe running away isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe you should give the place a chance.”
It’s hard to say, but I get the impression she’s not just talking about Lakewood.
44
Ryder
Minnie wakes up in the middle of the night two nights later, howling about a lion, I think. When she finally settles, snoring in her Pack ‘N Play, I can’t go back to sleep.
I’m at a loss about what to do about Valentine. It’s probably better, in the long run, that it ended up like this earlier rather than later. What were we going to do, move in with each other?
The fantasy hits me so hard I almost feel possessed by it. Valentine’s voice in the kitchen with Minnie. Coming in from the yard after mowing the lawn. They’re eating lunch in the kitchen together, peanut butter sandwiches and crackers with grapes on the side. Valentine’s red hair shines in the afternoon light, in a loose bun at the nape of her neck, and I want so powerfully to twist my fingers through it and set it free from her hair tie that I can practically feel its weight in my hands. For once I don’t have to think about whether or not it’s the right thing to do—I just do it, and Minnie giggles when I kiss Valentine on the neck. I don’t leave her out, either, planting a kiss on her round toddler cheek.
A movement in the yard across the street catches my eye, jolting me out of that impossible vision. It’s ridiculous to spend the time thinking about it. It’s never going to happen. It was never supposed to happen. We agreed to a summer fling. That was all.
The way it turned out anyway should be a lesson to both of us.
I catch another glimpse of the shadow moving toward the lakeshore, back turned to me, and just by the way she’s walking, I know it’s her. Plus, it’s her yard so it would be pretty creepy if some other woman who looked just like her was walking around over there in the middle of the night.
I should just sit here. Or, better yet, go back to bed. I have work tomorrow with Jamie, and I’m going to need to get in extra hours if I’m going to accelerate getting out of Lakewood. That has to be the top priority.
I’m not going to go after her.
Nope.
I make it ten seconds before I’m out of the recliner.
First stop, Minnie’s room. She’s still snoring gently in the moonlight. Next stop, my room. I fire up the baby monitor app on my phone and double check that the app is working and she’s still sleeping. She is. Phone, pocket. Self, door. After Valentine.
By the time I catch up to her, she’s standing down at the narrow beach, a silvery glow caught in her hair from the moon. It takes my breath away.
“Bold move, Ryder Harrison.”
She hasn’t turned her head yet. I thought I was being fairly stealthy, but I guess not.
“What gave me away?”
“The sound of your front door shutting carries.”
“Right.” I move to stand next to her, my bare feet sinking into the sand. “Your parents have a nice property.”
Valentine looks across at me, her eyes shining. “Did you come all this way to talk vacation homes?”
I give her a grin, but the look in her eyes makes my chest ache. “It wasn’t very far.”
She looks back out toward the lake. “No, I guess not.”
There’s a silence between us that’s nothing like the silence as she fell asleep in my arms the other night. This one is tense, prickly, like we’re both waiting for the other person to sink the knife in a little further. I don’t know how it’s come to this since this was never supposed to be anything more than fun, but it has, damn it, and I fucking hate it.
Valentine sighs. “We have to stop meeting like this.”
Under any other circumstance, it would be funny, and I think maybe she meant it to be that way, but I can’t muster a laugh. “I don’t want to stop meeting like this.”
She turns to face me and curls her arms around herself like it’s cold out, even though it still has to be close to eighty degrees in the middle of the night. “I just don’t think I can do it, Ryder. After—” Valentine shakes her head.
“After what I said? I was a prick. I didn’t mean a word of it. It had been a long, terrible day.” The words coming out of my mouth just seem useless. “But those are all excuses. I never should have said that to you, and I’m sorry.” God, even when we’re standing here like this in a deep freeze, I still want her. I want her even if it costs me everything.
“It’s not that I don’t believe you,” she says.
A spike of irritation buries itself in the center of my chest. “If you believe me, why won’t you just—” I laugh out loud, but it sounds harsh. “No. Fuck that. You don’t have to forgive me for what I said.”
“You’re not the first person to say that to me.” Valentine turns away again, back toward the water. She can’t look at me. My heart plummets right down to the bottom of my shoes and keeps going until it burns up in the molten core of the earth. The pieces are coming together now—the asshole at the park, the things she told me about Conrad over our first fling-date at the Mexican restaurant.
“Valentine.” I reach for her arm, and she gives my touch a side-eye like I’ve never seen, but she doesn’t flinch away. “You have to know...you have to know I didn’t mean that. I would never have left Minnie with you if I didn’t think you were awesome with kids. She took to you right away. I can’t even imagine how amazing you would be with your own daughter.”
“That’s the thing,” she says, quietly. “All of this—all of this—is happening because Conrad didn’t think I’d be so hot. He told his father what had happened. He ran straight to him when I was...” She glances across at me. “Why am I telling you this now?” Valentine sounds bitter. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter.”
“Well, I’ve already started, so—” She blows a breath through her lips. “The reason we broke up was because a couple of weeks ago, I was late. And I told him. I was up-front with him about it because we were a couple, and that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to be able to trust the other person, and—”
“And he decided to drop you like a hot potato.”
She laughs. “That’s a quaint way of putting it.”
“That’s what happened, though?”
Her face goes solemn. “I lost the job. I came back here. And I felt like such a fucking idiot for ever thinking, oh, this might not be the worst thing if I got pregnant.” She looks me straight in the eye. “Turns out, it would have been the worst thing, at least for him.”
I open my mouth to tell her that it’s not true, that he would have been the luckiest man in the world, but she cuts me off.
“I just need to start over. Completely. Somewhere new. And it can’t be here, Ryder. It can’t be with you.”
I can’t think of anything to say to that. I want to kiss her, but I’m sure she’d stop me, so I just step back an
d look over the water.
We’re in silence for so long that I think she must be getting ready to make a move, to tell me that she’s changed her mind.
When I turn around to look at her, she’s gone.
45
Valentine
When the sun comes up, I feel so weighted down, so awful, that it’s a miracle I haven’t slept. All I want to do is sleep, but I couldn’t. I walked away from Ryder after many long minutes in the silence of the lakeshore, the waves lapping at the sand. He must have noticed me leaving because he shifted, putting his hands in his pockets, but he didn’t turn around.
All the way back to the cottage my heart was pounding. With every step, I made another deal with myself. If he comes after me now, I’ll give in. If he comes after me now, I won’t move out of Lakewood. If he comes after me now, I’ll kiss him. If he comes after me now, I’ll throw myself into his arms and go home with him.
The disapproving Sharon-voice in my head thought this was ridiculous. If you want him, turn around and go get him. Just let it happen. You’re being foolish.
But I just couldn’t commit to it. I’m not being foolish. I’m protecting myself. I should have protected myself way earlier from Conrad, and I didn’t. Now I’m here.
I’m here, awake, looking out over the yard, looking at the sunrise over the lake, trying to make plans.
I text Cece.
Can I come stay at your place? I want to move out of here.
Some time goes by, I don’t know how long, and she answers.
You know you can stay here anytime...
What are the dots for.
I don’t think you should move out. Did you see Ryder?
Yes, and things are over. I can’t stay here. If I keep running into him, I might never leave.
There are other options...
Again with the dots.
I sigh and lean my head back against the recliner. I made a cup of coffee an hour ago and forgot to drink it. I need to get to a place where this kind of thing isn’t happening anymore. Maybe then I can get my career on track. Or start a new one. It doesn’t matter.
With my eyes closed, my mind starts to wander, and it wanders right back to Ryder’s bedroom. His body over mine in the dark. His hands moving over my body like he was always meant to touch me. His lips on mine, possessive and sweet all at once, never mind the rules about not getting in too deep. The pleasure. Fuck me, the pleasure. How it swept over me like waves, pulled me under like the deepest current, and brought me back to shore so I could fall asleep in his arms.
The harsh rapping on the outer screen door startles me awake, and I jerk upward with a snort. Very attractive. But the snort isn’t nearly as attractive as the stream of drool running down my cheek and onto the recliner.
More rapping. I’d say it was a loud knock, but it literally sounds like the rapping an old crone would do in a fairy tale.
“I’m coming,” I call. Ugh. My mouth tastes horrible. I pick up the coffee from the side table and take a swig, then let it fall right back out of my mouth and into the mug. It’s ice cold and bitter. Terrible. “Hang on.”
It’s too bright for my taste, even though I’m not hungover or anything. I probably just look hungover. I’m still wearing the tank top and shorts I was wearing last night, and my hair has to be a mess. Well, whatever. This is my life now.
I pull open the inner door and blink out into the sunlight.
“This is pathetic,” says Cece. She stands just outside, a paper bag from the local grocery store in her arms. “Let me in.”
“What are you doing here?” It comes out as an even more pathetic grumble, but I step back and get out of her way.
“You’re late for work, for one thing.”
“Oh, shit.” My hands fly to my hair, and I spin around in place, looking frantically for something to wear to the Short Stack. Skipping shifts is not my thing. Shit, shit, shit.
“Oh my God, stop. Your work clothes aren’t out here, for one thing, and Sharon agrees with me.”
“Wait. Agrees with you about what?” I finally stop moving and face Cece. “What time is it?”
“It’s ten thirty.” She cocks her head to the side. “You started texting me at four thirty this morning. Clearly, you had been up all night because the Valentine I know would not wake up that early for a six a.m. shift. Not even a little bit.”
I rub my eyes. “Yeah. You’re right.”
“I brought cinnamon rolls.” She looks me up and down. “You’re going to go take a shower while I bake these.”
I give her a look. “You’re not my mother. And I’m not an invalid.”
“You’ve been moping for days, and you have weird circles under your eyes.”
“I’ve been up all night.”
“This is worse than when Conrad broke up with you.”
“He didn’t break up with me. We mutually—”
Cece holds up one hand. “Is this really worth going into? Go get in the shower.”
“Fine.”
I head into the bathroom and turn on the water. The moment I step in, I know that Cece was right. Going back to bed is only going to make this situation—whatever this situation is—worse somehow. Not that I know why I feel so heartbroken. We didn’t break up. We might have been on the verge of being together, but that’s not the same as a commitment.
What does it matter?
The thought comes to me while I’m rinsing the shampoo out of my hair. What does it matter if we were exclusive or not? Ryder left his daughter with me in his time of need. And before that, he made me feel like a fucking queen in bed.
That makes my heart sink. It’s too late to be wondering this now, now that I’ve dismissed him in public and private and told him that it’s over, over, over.
I get out of the shower and towel off, making at least a slight effort to put on some makeup. Then I put on my best jean shorts and a black tank top that will hopefully make it look like I’m not spiraling out of control over this not-breakup. Dressed, I head back out to the kitchen.
“Hey, Cece, I—”
No. Something’s off. The house is too quiet.
“Cece?”
She’s not here. Her car’s not here.
There’s just a plate of freshly baked cinnamon rolls and a note.
Don’t let the past get the best of you. Take him some baked goods and make up.
You know I’m right.
-Cece
46
Ryder
“Minnie, squish it in your hands. Like this.” I pick up a chunk of Play-Doh and squeeze it between my fingers.
Minnie watches me, then grabs a handful and smashes it hard between her palms. “Squeeze!” she shouts, then grits her teeth so hard her head shakes.
“I’m not a stalker,” a voice calls out from the side of the yard, and both Minnie and I stop and look.
“Okay?” I call back, and just then a tall blonde with a grocery bag rolled at the top and shoved under her arm comes around the side of the house. She takes in the scene, looks at Minnie, and gives her a smile and a wave. “Uh, hi?”
“Hi. Your daughter is super cute.” Then she seems to realize we haven’t actually been introduced. Not even once. She must have heard about me from somewhere, though. I have a few guesses. She comes across the yard toward me and sticks out her hand. “I’m Cece Harwood.” Then she gives me an expectant look.
“Should I...know you?”
She rolls her eyes. “God, she never tells anyone about me. It’s like I don’t even exist.” She shifts the paper bag from under one arm to the other. “I’ve been Valentine’s best friend since forever. I’m assuming you know who Valentine is, right?” Her eyes sparkle with the joke. I can see why she’s Valentine’s best friend.
“Yeah, I know her. And you know me already, don’t you?”
“I know of you, Ryder Harrison.” Cece looks me up and down. “And now that I’m seeing you up close—” She glances down at Minnie and decides not to say anyt
hing else. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“I think we’re already talking.” I like Cece instinctively, but I have no idea what she’s doing here. All I know is that Jamie canceled some jobs for today, so I have an afternoon to spend with Minnie, squashing Play-Doh between our fingers and eating graham crackers straight from the box.
“Good point.” Her eyes follow Minnie as she takes off across the yard, then runs back and grabs another fistful of Play-Doh, this time in a neon pink. “It’s time to have a conversation with Valentine.”
“We had a conversation last night. She was pretty clear about the fact that she wants to—”
“You two have to be the most frustrating people on the planet. Did you get a good look at her?”
“It was dark, I guess, but—”
“She’s been sad for days, and honestly, I can’t stand it.” Cece shakes her head. “I don’t know what you said to her last night, but she stayed up until dawn and started texting me about getting out of town. Which is ridiculous.” Cece looks me in the eye. “If she’s going to leave town, she should do it with you.”
My mouth literally drops open. “What—why? She told me last night that we were done. And it’s not the first time she’s said that. If she doesn’t want to be with me—”
“What, you’re just going to give up on her?” Cece clucks her tongue. “I know Conrad put on a big show, but that’s not what she’s looking for. I think half the reason the whole thing upset her so much is that she wants to hear that from you. All that shit with him—” Cece’s face turns red just thinking about it. “She wants a man who’s going to stand by her. And she wants a man who can do what—” Another glance at Minnie. “Let me just say that the gushing was almost as out of control as the moping.”
I take a deep breath. “Listen, I appreciate the advice.” My chest still throbs like I’ve recently recovered from a heart attack. The hope is just about killing me. “But I can’t go talk to her right now. I’m...occupied.”
