by Dinah McLeod
“Sure.” He gamely took the plates from her and waited for the silverware. She thrust it at him, happy to see him head for the table, giving her some breathing room.
She should have been happy that he suddenly felt so handsy. It was the first time he’d touched her in an intimate way since he’d stepped off the plane, and she should have been thrilled. But she was still hurt from their conversation not even two hours ago, and while she’d showed a good amount of self-control during it, the hurt she’d felt at the time had festered and transformed into an impressive amount of anger.
Who was he to be so prickly and judgmental about a haircut? Why should he think he even got a say? Did he give her a say about his deployment? Or him extending his time overseas, for that matter? No, he had not. He hadn’t even thought to consult her, but she was supposed to change her hair because he said so? Maybe every other Army wife was that vested, maybe she was the odd duck, but in that case she’d rather swim in the pond all by herself.
She practically slammed the bowl of mashed potatoes on the table. Sean looked up, startled, but she didn’t care. In fact, she was kind of glad, in a mean sort of way. When the gravy boat received the same treatment, some of the brown liquid sloshed over the side and onto the previously pristine white tablecloth. Kaitlyn was too mad to care.
“Hey,” Sean started to say, but she turned on her heel and went back into the kitchen.
When she returned carrying the roast platter, he was waiting. She tried to sidestep him, but he moved forward, taking the platter from her. She glared at him, not that he seemed to care.
“Hey,” he tried again. “Look, I really am sorry, babe. I never should have gotten on you like that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” she agreed archly.
“You’re right. Honestly, I don’t know what got into me. Just… I thought you knew I liked your hair the way it was.”
“You said—”
“I know what I said. But then when you came home, and… I thought maybe if I’d told you how beautiful your hair was before, then you wouldn’t have felt the need to change it.”
His words tugged at her heartstrings. There was no denying that he could make a good apology, when he was so inclined, but she wasn’t ready to forgive him yet. Let him stew for a while, let him grovel. He’d put her through a lot in the last forty hours, and he deserved to be unsure about her for a little while.
“I didn’t change my hair for you,” she told him, her gaze withering. “I changed it because I wanted to. Don’t I get to do something for myself for a change?” He started to answer, but she plunged ahead. “It would have been nice if you’d been supportive, but that ship has sailed. Butter?”
“Excuse me?”
“Would you like me to get the butter?” she inquired, her voice frosty.
“Sure.” When his shoulders slumped, she knew he was feeling defeated. Well, good.
At least, it should have been. She told herself she should have felt a surge of victory, but all she felt was hollow. Maybe she should have accepted his apology to begin with and saved herself some trouble. All she knew for sure was that she felt just as hopeless as her husband had sounded moments ago. She wished she knew how to stop this circle they kept going in and make things more normal. But then, that was the problem, wasn’t it? What was normal for the two of them? All she knew was, she didn’t have a clue.
When she walked out with the butter, she saw that Sean had taken his seat at the head of the table. Seeing him sitting there like no time had passed gave her pause. Who, she found herself wondering, was this man she’d married? Even with him right in front of her, she could scarcely remember.
She walked to the head of the table and put the butter dish within his reach. She turned to take her own seat, but was stopped when his hand closed around her wrist.
“You have to stop this.”
She bristled under his words. “I have to?”
“We. I meant we. We need to figure this thing out.”
“What thing would that be, exactly?”
“Please don’t keep making this so hard, Kaitlyn. You know what I mean. I don’t know why things are so off between us, but I want to fix it.”
She knew this was her chance. She needed to tell him that he was right, that she felt the same way. But when she opened her mouth, those weren’t the words that came out. “You broke it, so you fix it on your own.” She tried to yank her wrist away, but his fingers tightened around it.
“I broke it?” he echoed incredulously. Next thing she knew, he was pulling her around to face him. “You know, I’m really sorry you feel that way, honey. I thought I was out there, risking my life to protect your rights and freedom. I didn’t know all I was doing was breaking us.”
“I wish you’d stop using that,” she rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows you were at war, so stop bringing it up.”
“Young lady—”
“No!” Kaitlyn snarled, yanking harder to try to free herself from his grasp. “Don’t you ‘young lady’ me! You don’t have the right!”
Sean pushed back his chair and leapt to his feet so quickly that Kaitlyn felt her heart propel itself into her rapidly tightening throat. “I’m sorry?” he asked, the soft tone he used belied by his clenching jaw and flaring nostrils. “If I don’t have the right, who does?”
“You tell me!” she threw back, trying to act like she wasn’t very nervous about where this conversation was headed. “You’re the one who sent your watchdog after me!”
His brow furrowed. “My what?”
Oops. That was the word Candice had used.
“You mean Jarrod? What does he have to do with any of this?”
“Nothing! Forget I mentioned it.”
Sean’s eyes narrowed as he appraised her. “But you did mention it, so you must have meant something by it. What is it, do you think I can’t spank you anymore? Is that it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I—”
“No, I think that’s exactly what you’re saying. Well, I’d say this little temper tantrum certainly qualifies you for a trip over my lap, so no time like the present.”
“Sean!” she gasped, yanking to free her wrist with all her might. “No!”
“Yes,” he countered, a bit of steel slipping inside his voice.
“I won’t let you!”
His eyes narrowed down to slits. “You won’t let me, Kaitlyn? We made an agreement about our marriage, and you agreed to take your spankings when you’d earned them. Today is definitely one of those times.”
“If you hit me, I swear, I’ll—”
“Hit you?” His brow furrowed and he released her wrist of his own accord. “When have I ever hit you?”
“You know what I mean,” she snapped, glaring as she massaged her wrist. The damn thing wasn’t even red, much to her annoyance.
“I don’t think I do. In fact, I’m starting to wonder what I know about you at all.”
“Well, that makes two of us.”
“What’s gotten into you, Kaitlyn?”
“What’s gotten into me? You’re the one who’s come home acting like this is the last place you want to be.”
“No, that’s not true. It’s just—”
“And then,” she continued, ignoring him, “every three seconds you’re bringing up the fact that you were at war, while I was what? Stateside, catching up on Netflix and eating bonbons?”
“I never said that.”
“No, you didn’t. You didn’t say it, but you sure as hell act like it’s what you think.” His eyes widened and she knew she should apologize—if there was one thing Sean would not tolerate, it was being cursed at. But she was on a roll, so she figured she’d just keep going. It was clear how this was going to end, so she might as well tell him what she thought. She might not get the chance again. “Of course you think I’ve been having a grand old time here, being alone day after day.”
“If you didn’t want to be alone, maybe you shouldn’t have isolated yourself.�
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She rolled her eyes at him once more, for good measure. If she was already going to get her ass spanked, might as well make it worth it. “I guess it never occurred to you to think about what I might have been going through.”
“What you’ve gone through? What you’ve gone through?” The only sign of any visible emotion was the flicker of anger in his light blue eyes and the clenching in his jaw. “That’s an interesting question. So, tell me, dear, while I was off fighting for my life and being surrounded by men who were there one second and gone the next, what were you going through?”
His voice, while not loud any longer, had turned hard but she didn’t heed the warning. “Never mind,” she spat. “Forget it. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”
“You’re right about that. I will never understand wives at home who have everything—you’ll never know what’s it like to see villages overrun by poverty. Here, being poor means getting brand-new shoes off the clearance rack. Those people don’t even have running water. And you’re crying over what, exactly? The Internet being down for half an hour?”
Kaitlyn drew back with a gasp. “How dare you! You know what, maybe you never should have come home at all!” As soon as the words escaped her lips, she clamped a hand over her mouth.
Sean’s face didn’t register any emotion. In fact, he was stock still, as though she’d frozen him in the moment.
“Baby…” She couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t meant… maybe she’d thought… but she certainly hadn’t meant for her most awful, private thoughts to be made known to him. Maybe she’d wanted to hurt him, like she’d been hurt by days upon days without him, but she hadn’t meant to say such an awful thing. “Honey, please.” She took a step toward him and slowly ventured to touch his shoulder.
As soon as she had, it was like he sprang to life. The next thing she knew, he was grabbing her arm and pulling her back to the table. He sat and yanked her over his lap. Before she’d even processed what was happening—and what was going to happen—he was already yanking her pants down and pulling her panties down along with them. The first stinging spank landed before she even felt the kiss of the air, and another followed swiftly behind.
“Sean, please,” she gasped as another hard swat landed on her unprotected behind. When another followed, she began to cry, not entirely sure whether it was due to her smarting cheeks or knowing how badly she’d hurt him. “I didn’t mean…” A barrage of spanks covered the sound of her apology and stung so much that it made her forget what she’d been about to say.
It seemed like it had hardly begun when Sean was helping her up. She was caught off guard—she was sore, but not nearly as much as she normally was by the end of one of his punishments. Then she was standing in front of him, her cheeks streaked with tears, her pants puddled around her ankles, wanting to find the words to make it right, if such words even existed.
But before she even got a chance, he was doing an about-face and leaving her helplessly looking after him. She waited for a moment, foolishly hoping he would come back. When it was clear that he didn’t intend to, she bent down and retrieved her underwear and pants. She’d just pulled them up when she heard the sound of a throat clearing behind her.
She turned to see Jarrod standing behind her, leaning against the doorjamb. “I guess you heard everything?’ she asked without preamble.
“Well, you weren’t exactly whispering.”
“No,” she agreed somberly. “We’re not very good at that.” Kaitlyn looked him square in the eye, waiting to see what he would say. She knew that he’d seen her bare-assed only seconds ago, and there was a time she wouldn’t have been able to meet his gaze, but she had much more to worry about right now than feeling embarrassed. “I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore, Jarrod.”
“It doesn’t sound like he knows any better. But you’ve got to remember, you guys have been in limbo for the last eighteen months. But just because you weren’t together doesn’t mean you stopped growing and changing. You’ve got to get to know each other all over again.”
She heaved a sigh, wishing he wasn’t right and knowing all the while that he was. “Tell me something. Being a single guy, how are you so wise when it comes to stuff like this?”
“I watch a lot of Dr. Phil.”
Kaitlyn let out a titter of laughter before she covered her mouth. She didn’t want Sean to hear her. It didn’t seem fair, for him to hear her laughing after they’d just been screaming at each other.
“Seriously, they did a special on military couples three weeks ago.”
She rolled her eyes, still grinning. “I must have missed it.”
“That’s a shame. Maybe it’s still on my DVR. I could make you a copy.”
“We can only hope. Since we’re being so cordial, how is it that you’re always around when I’m at my worst?”
“I don’t know about that, but as for tonight I was just coming by to check on you.”
“That was thoughtful,” she said, not entirely believing him. He seemed to have a weird ESP when it came to her. As though he knew when she was going to misbehave and act out before she knew it herself.
“You didn’t seem like yourself earlier.”
“You mean at Candice’s? Why’s that, because I was being obedient, for a change?”
“You know that wasn’t what I meant,” he grinned. “So she’s Candice now?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
Jarrod chuckled. The sound of his laughter never failed to make her smile, and now was no exception, despite everything that she’d been through. “It’s pretty evident that you’ve had a lot on your mind lately. And if it wasn’t before… well, I’ve got pretty good ears.” When he winked at her, she responded by rolling her eyes. For once, he didn’t comment.
“What am I going to do, Jarrod? He just doesn’t like me anymore.”
“Now, you know that’s not true. He’s just trying to find his footing.”
“I know,” she groaned. “I keep hearing that, and everyone looks at me like I’m the evil wife who keeps hindering his healing process.”
“Kate…”
“Well, they do. Isn’t that what you think, too?” she challenged.
“Not at all. I think that you two need to sit down and talk all this out.”
“We’ve tried that and you heard how well that went.”
He fell silent and his smile faded. Kaitlyn stared into his somber brown eyes, wondering what he was thinking while knowing that she was too much of a coward to ask.
“Sometimes I think… maybe he wishes he never came home at all.”
“It might have been better, if you’d phrased it like that. Don’t you think?”
Of course she realized that he’d heard her say those awful words to her husband; she’d known it the moment she’d seen him despite the impassive mask he wore, but somehow having him acknowledge it aloud made it that much worse. “You’re right,” she muttered, avoiding his eyes as her cheeks flushed. “Of course you are. I always try to do the right thing, you know. To be a good wife. But…” She took a deep breath as she tried to work through what she’d been feeling ever since Sean had come home. “I always have the best intentions. I think I know what I’ll say, how I’ll handle it if things go wrong, but somehow all that flies out the window once he’s right in front of me.”
Kaitlyn’s heart thudded in her chest at the revelation. She couldn’t believe she’d told him something so private, something that she hadn’t really admitted to herself before. She waited for him to say something, despising the silence. The longer it took for him to reply, the more on edge she began to feel.
“You two are a lot alike,” he said at last.
She began to protest, but he’d held up his hand even as she opened her mouth. He knew her all too well.
“You both have quick tempers and sharp tongues. I bet if you asked him he’d say the same thing—I’m sure he has the best of intentions, but then you say or do something, and they fly o
ut the window. Isn’t that how it goes for you?”
“Something like that,” she admitted begrudgingly.
“You two just need to get better about communicating.”
“You say that like it happens with a snap of the fingers,” Kaitlyn grumbled. She knew he was right, but knowing that didn’t stop her from feeling like it was hopeless.
“I’m not saying it’ll be easy. In fact, I’m betting on the fact that it will be very, very hard, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it. You just have to decide if it’s worth it to you.”
She snorted and rolled her eyes again, but turned away from him in time to keep him from seeing. “Did you give Sean this oh-so-helpful advice?”
“Not yet, but I intend to.”
“Hmm,” she offered noncommittally.
“Look, Kate, I’m not here to play bad cop.”
“No, Sean doesn’t need you for that. He pulls that one off all by himself,” she muttered before she could stop herself. She glanced at Jarrod out of the corner of her eye, but she couldn’t tell if he’d heard her or not. If he had, he didn’t acknowledge it.
“If you don’t believe I have your best interests at heart, I’ll leave.” When she didn’t reply, he began to walk toward the back door.
“Jarrod, wait.”
“Yes?”
She let her breath out in a huff. She didn’t know what to say, the only thing she knew was that she didn’t want him to go.
“I care about you, Kate.”
Sure you do, she thought, but she didn’t dare say it aloud. Besides, she shouldn’t take out her frustration on Jarrod. He meant well. It wasn’t his fault that she was married to the most pigheaded man on the face of the planet. It was actually her fault, but she didn’t want to dwell on blame just now.
“I only want the best for you, and for your marriage. I wouldn’t be here wasting my breath if I didn’t.”
At least he knew he was wasting his breath.
“I know he lost his temper, and I know he hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry for that. But do you honestly think what you said to him was appropriate?”
Kaitlyn pursed her lips, her eyes fixed on the fraying spot on the carpet. It wasn’t like she was surprised—of course he’d take Sean’s side. She’d just been waiting for him to admit it. And he wouldn’t be alone there. She’d committed a great faux pas. The faux pas, as far as the Army was concerned. A good wife would never, ever bring up their husband’s transgressions this close to coming off duty, much less suggest that he never should have come back at all. “I’m not proud of it.”
