by S. A. Swann
Then Lilly saw Uldolf. The smile, wide eyes, and shout of “Ulfie!” came with such an explosive lack of subtlety that Uldolf expected the Germans to strike him dead on the spot. She ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him with such enthusiasm that he felt faint from lack of breath.
He took a step back and Lilly followed, hanging on him, ending the kiss only to rest her cheek on his shoulder.
Expecting the quick and forceful end of her embrace, Uldolf glanced over to the Germans across the street. He had quite obviously failed in his effort to remain unnoticed. However, to his great relief, the Germans were staring at them with amusement, not with any hostile intent. They were chuckling at Lilly's public affections and Uldolf s obvious discomfort. His face burned, and they laughed harder.
“Excuse me?”
Uldolf turned and looked at Lankut, who had followed Lilly from the village gate. He was half smiling himself.
“Yes?”
“I was going to ask her business in Johannisburg, but that's apparent.”
Uldolf brought his arm from under his cloak to hold Lilly, and turn her slightly so she was between him and the Germans, facing away from them and hiding the right side of Uldolf s body from observation. “She came here to meet me,” Uldolf said.
“I am hoping you do not allow her to travel alone on these roads.”
Uldolf never felt more his deficiencies as a liar. He looked down at Lilly and said, “I don't know—” What to say? “She should be with her family.”
“Oh. She was coming with others?”
Uldolf kept looking down at Lilly so Lankut couldn't look into his eyes. “Maybe, when she got in sight of the town, she ran ahead.”
“She was quite excited to see you.”
Uldolf nodded, looking up. “And I, her.”
Lankut looked off toward the Germans who had gotten bored with the spectacle and were talking again between themselves. “Are you betrothed?”
Gods, how do I answer that? “Perhaps, with her father's permission.”
Lankut chuckled. “Your father would be amused at your excessive politeness.”
Uldolf was about to say something, but he realized that Lankut was not referring to Gedim. He felt the tall shadow of Radwen Seigson looming over him.
“In his day, if he eyed such a beauty, he would have simply taken her. Woe to father, brother, or uncle who objected.”
“Things are different now.”
“Perhaps,” Lankut said. Still looking at the Germans across the street, he continued softly, “Are you aware that those men would probably like to talk to you?”
“I have heard.”
“Good.” Lankut smiled. “As you are here, and they are here, I have done my duty.”
Lankut turned and walked back toward his post at the gate, and the Germans, still talking to each other, finally made their leave.
***
Uldolf still wanted to get out of town, but his driving urgency had been to get Lilly away from his family. It wasn't quite clear what the Germans were doing by taking so many Prûsans from Mejdân to the keep, but it was clear that if the Germans found Lilly with his family, there would be some dire consequences.
Now that Lilly was here, Uldolf had to rethink his plans. He couldn't take her back home. So instead he took her back to his room at the boarding house. Even if the master of the house was no friend of the Germans, Uldolf was still discreet about bringing his guest. He took her around the alley in back, between the inn and the stables.
His room's single window looked across an alley at the stable. He had fortunately left it unlatched, and was able to open the shutters from outside. He boosted her up so she could climb in.
He followed, clumsily, until she reached out and grabbed his arm. She showed her strength again as she practically lifted him into the room after her. His relief at being quickly inside, unobserved, overrode any embarrassment he might have felt.
She backed up to give him space to enter the narrow room. The air was thick with the smell of mud and horses drifting in from the open window. The light burned red with the setting sun.
Uldolf stepped around the chair and the short bed, the only furniture in the room, and reached around Lilly so he could latch the door shut. Once that was done, he breathed a sigh of relief.
Lilly was sandwiched between him and the door. She placed a hand on his chest. “Ulfie?”
“Sit down while I try and think of something to do.” He backed up, taking off his cloak and laying it on the bed next to her as she sat down.
As he set down his pack, she grabbed his shoulder. “Ulfie.” She opened her mouth, closed it, and frowned at him. “I—I—”
Uldolf frowned at the frustration evident on her face. He sat next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Calm down, Lilly.”
“I—I—I—”
He lifted his hand and placed a finger on her lips. “If you keep forcing things, if you let the frustration overwhelm you, it gets even harder. Speak slowly, one word at a time if you have to. Take a breath.”
He lowered his hand and Lilly nodded. She took a breath and said “I came t-t-t—” She shook her head and took another breath.
“To you m-m-m—” She sucked in another breath and said, “Myself.”
There was a hint of a smile at completing the sentence. But it didn't reach her eyes. He could tell that there was more she needed to say.
“Why, Lilly?” He shook his head. “You had to know how dangerous it was.”
A single tear rolled down her cheek. “I—I—I—” She balled her hands into fists. “Shh. You need to calm down.”
She buried her face in his chest. “L-l-let m-m-me do this.”
“Let you do what?” Uldolf stroked her hair.
***
The other was a suffocating presence in Lilly's mind. You need me. I can do this. She tried to fight it.
I can! You can't get three words out. No.
He needs to know now. No!
In the end, though, it was why she had come here, and only her dark half had the words to tell Uldolf what he needed to know.
***
“You're safe right now,” Uldolf whispered. “That's what matters.”
“No.” She pushed herself away, fists balled on his chest. “No.”
“No? What? I don't understand.”
She faced away and didn't seem to hear him anymore. She shook her head, then her voice became low and deliberate.
“Uldolf?” Uldolf placed his hand on her back. “Are you all right?”
She reached up and pulled his hand away. Uldolf drew back as she unfolded from the bed, pushing herself upright. “I have to leave.”
Uldolf stood and grabbed her. “What are you talking about? The Germans are hunting you, to kill you, or worse—”
“Do not concern yourself with me.”
“How can you say that, after what my family's done for you? Hilde thinks of you as her big sister—”
Her shoulders sagged and he let go. “I came to tell you. The Germans came today. They took your family.”
Uldolf shook his head and backed up. “They can't...”
“Your father hid me in the field, but the soldiers made them board a wagon with a score of others. They were on the road an hour behind me.”
He sat down on the bed. What could he do now? Nothing. How could he do anything now that the Germans held his family? Why had they been taken in the first place?
Lilly walked to the door, and Uldolf reached out and took her hand. “Don't go.”
She turned to look down at his hand, and then she turned away. “I can't stay here.”
“Why?”
“I've done too much to you already.”
“This isn't your fault. It's the Germans who're doing this.”
She spun around, and the agony in her face made Uldolf shrink back. “Don't speak about fault. After what I did—” Her voice choked off in a gasp.
“Lilly?” Uldolf let
go of her hand and touched her cheek.
She stared at him, confusion in her face. “Don't you remember?”
He looked into her green eyes and felt...
***
Somehow he was sitting on the bed, sucking in deep breaths. Sweat coated his skin as his heart tried to pound its way through his ribcage. He clutched his empty shoulder so tightly, and the pain was so bad, that he looked at it expecting to see blood from a fresh wound. It felt as if it had just been torn from its socket.
Lilly held him in a crushing hug, shaking him. “Ulfie! Ulfie! Ulfie!”
He stared at her, not understanding the inexplicable panic he felt fading in his breast.
“Ulfie!”
“I'm fine, Lilly. Calm down.”
She stopped shaking him. “D-d-did she hurt you?”
“Did who hurt me?”
She swallowed and asked, “Did I hurt you?”
“No.” Uldolf shook his head. “It was me. Now, let me go.”
She released him, and it was suddenly much easier to breathe.
“It wasn't anything you did, Lilly. Don't blame yourself.” He looked down at his single arm, clenching and unclenching his hand. “I lost my arm a long time ago. I was a child when the Order came and destroyed my home, killed my family.” It was the first time he had talked to anyone about this. For some reason, he felt that Lilly was the one person who could really understand.
“U-Ulfie ...”
“And I can't remember. No, that's not quite right. I can remember, but every time I do, when I think too closely on what happened—” Uldolf tried to calm his breathing, which was starting to accelerate with his pulse. “It's almost like it is happening again; the fear, the pain. I can't think about it, or anything close to it, or I black out. Even if I dwell on my first parents too much ... I suppose I'm a coward, I can't even look at my own past straight on.”
“No!”
Uldolf looked over at Lilly, and she grabbed him, pulling him back into a hug.
“No! You aren't a coward. You're very brave!”
She rocked him back and forth as if she were comforting a child.
“Ulfie's brave,” she repeated. “Uldolf s brave.”
Interlude
Anno Domini 1231
It was a bright summer day, and a nine-year-old child named Lilly sat in the woods to the east of the pagan village of Mej dan.
True to her master, she waited.
She waited, anticipating the moment when she would be able to go into the city and punish the evil people who so troubled her master and his God. She would do well, and she would show him how all the pain and discipline was worth it. She would demonstrate that she was worthy of him, and of his God.
But first, she had to wait.
She sat on a black, moss-covered log. Occasionally she would rock her legs back and idly kick it with her heel, denting the rotten wood and scattering strange little crawling things to scurry across her legs. Sometimes she sang the lullaby she had used to sing to Rose.
Sometimes she wished her new master would sing to her.
However, even if he didn't, she knew that she was special to him simply because he took no pleasure in correcting her.
Unlike her first master who enjoyed punishing any error until the prospect of pain was an overwhelming shadow over every step she took, her new master only beat her when she did something truly wrong. More important, beating was all he did. He didn't use anything to cut her, or insert into her body. Compared to rape and mutilation, a heavy rod across her back was almost a pleasure.
And, because of that mercy, she would do anything. She would take the life of every person in this village if it would please him.
But first, she waited.
Dappled sunlight spread across the woods around her, and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves, tugging at the simple tunic her master had given her. Occasionally she would run her hands over the fabric. She was still unused to being allowed to wear real human clothing. If she did well, maybe her master would allow her to keep it.
Around her, insects and birds chirped, and the air was rich with smells. She could smell mud and loam, as well as horses and people from the village. And she loved the smell of the pine trees around her. Even the rotting log she sat on smelled rich and earthy—an improvement over the smells of blood, urine, straw, and stone she was used to from her life before her new master.
“Hello?”
Her eyes widened, and she spun around.
No, she was supposed to be hiding and waiting. No one was supposed to see her. If someone found her, she would fail. Her master would have to beat her or, worse, he might return her to the monastery.
She expected a huge hairy man in armor, like the pagans they made her train on. The man would draw his sword, and Lilly would have to kill him, spoiling her master's order not to kill anyone until it was time ...
But it wasn't a hairy pagan swordsman.
It was a child, no more than a year older than she was. He stood only a few paces away, smiling. The boy was taller than her, and held a sack slung over his shoulder. He waved at her with his free hand. “Hello,” he said again.
She was on her feet and backing away from him. She wasn't supposed to be seen by the village, but she wasn't supposed to kill anyone, either. Maybe she should just run away.
“My name's Uldolf. What's yours?”
“Lilly,” she said reflexively. She couldn't help it. You answered a direct question or you were beaten ...
She shouldn't be talking to this boy.
“Was that you I heard singing, last night?”
Please, no! It was her fault. Master would abandon her for sure.
“I—I don't know what you mean.”
But lying was even worse. Even as she spoke the words, she could feel her old master twisting her arm until it snapped and forcing himself between her legs—
“Come on,” he said. “Admit it.”
“I shouldn't be talking to you.”
“Why not?”
“I'm waiting ...” Lilly trailed off, not knowing what to say. She couldn't tell him the truth. That would be worse than all her other mistakes combined.
But the boy, Uldolf, just shrugged and said, “Are you hungry?”
Lilly stopped worrying long enough to be completely confused. “What?”
“Are you hungry?” Uldolf asked again. He walked up to the log and set his pack down. “I have some cheese.”
She didn't know what to do. She folded her arms and shook her head. “I shouldn't be talking to you.”
Uldolf laughed. “That's fine, I shouldn't be talking to you, either. I'm supposed to be with the other kids, keeping the cows in the meadow.”
“Cows?”
“Stupid things would walk off a cliff if someone wasn't there to shoo them away.” Uldolf unwrapped his bundle revealing two things inside, neither of which was familiar to Lilly. One was a lumpy whitish-yellow object, whose edges crumbled like dry earth. The other was rough, round, and mostly brown. Neither object looked particularly interesting.
But the smell ...
She sucked in deep breaths just to have more of it. The smell was sharp and warm and unlike anything she had ever smelled before. She licked her lips and closed her eyes, trying to breathe in every particle.
“So, you want some?”
Lilly's eyes snapped open. She suddenly remembered that she wasn't supposed to be talking to anyone.
The boy was alone; maybe she should kill him? The boy had sneaked away. He had said so. No one knew he was here. She could hide the body somewhere they would not find him, at least not before her master brought the army of Christ to this city.
She could kill him right now ...
He held up a broken part of the white-yellow thing to her and she realized that part of that wonderful smell was coming from it.
Lilly didn't understand for a moment.
“Go on, take it. You look hungry.”
His words cut through t
he confusion. She reached out and took the crumbling thing. The texture was something like rotten clay—slightly sticky, maybe a little oily. She couldn't believe that anyone might just give her something that smelled so wonderful.
She held it to her face so she could breathe it in. She enjoyed it for several moments when she realized the boy, Uldolf, was frowning at her. She lowered her hand and looked around. Was someone else here?
“Are you stupid?” the boy asked.
She didn't understand. Why would he give her such a wonderful thing, and then say she was stupid?
The other part of her whispered, Kill him. Let us kill him now.
“W-why would you say that?”
He frowned. “You're playing some sort of trick on me, aren't you?”
“N-no. I'm not. Please, tell me why you're saying that.”
She was feeling weak, uncertain, in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. Not since before the time she understood what her masters wanted from her. For years now, the one thing she was sure of was that she knew the rules. She knew which actions brought pain, and which did not.
You will not feel this way if he dies ...
“Stop it!” she snapped at herself.
“Stop what?” Uldolf said.
Lilly could feel tears welling up in the corners of her eyes, and that made her feel worse. Her master did not like it when she cried. It was weak. It brought more beatings. She looked at the thing in her hand and made a fist around it.
“Why did you give this to me?” she shouted, and threw the thing back at Uldolf in frustration. It hit him in the middle of his chest, breaking apart into a shower of crumbled fragments.
His eyes were wide, and his face mirrored the confusion Lilly felt. She turned away so he couldn't see her crying.
“I'm sorry,” he said.
Lilly sucked in a breath, unsure if she had heard the words correctly. She wiped her eyes. “What did you say?”
“I'm sorry I called you stupid.”
Who was this boy? Lilly was the one who said sorry. She was the one who asked forgiveness. No one ever apologized to her. She shook her head. “I am stupid.” If she wasn't stupid, she would be able to figure out what to do now.
