I don't know about you, lady, but I'm exhausted. I don't think I've done that much in one day since I was a kid.
Me too. She found herself suddenly wishing then that she could take him to Paris, and to Barcelona and Madrid, where she could show him all her favorite things there. And then she wanted to take him to Santa Eugenia, to see the place where she had spent all her summers, and where they could visit with all of the children whom she loved so much. It was strange to think of them sometimes. The children she had told stories to when she had first married were getting married and having babies of their own now. Sometimes it made her feel very old, as though an important part of life had passed her by.
What were you thinking just then? For an instant he had seen the old sorrow lingering in her eyes.
I was thinking about Santa Eugenia.
What about it? He probed further.
I was thinking about the children there' . Oh, Alex' you don't know how I love them.
In a firm, quiet voice he spoke to her and reached for her hand. One day we'll have children of our own. She said nothing, it was a subject she didn't like to discuss. She had put it away from her fourteen years before.
It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does. Very much. To both of us. I wanted children very much with my wife.
Could she not have them? Raphaella looked hopeful and curious as she asked him, as though they would have that in common, as though they had both been robbed by the same turn of fate.
No. He shook his head and looked pensive. She could have had them. But she didn't like children. Funny, how you look at things differently as time moves on. If I met a woman who felt that way now, I don't think I could love her. I thought I could talk Rachel into it. But I couldn't. She was too involved in her work. Looking back, I guess it's just as well we didn't have kids.
What did she do?
She was an attorney. Raphaella looked impressed and he kissed her softly on the lips. But she wasn't much of a woman, Raphaella, don't look like that.
Did you leave her?
He shook his head again. No. She left me.
For a man?
No. He smiled now, and there was no bitterness as he did so. For a job. That's all that mattered to her. Ever. It's just as well things worked out as they did. They lay side by side like old friends and seasoned lovers, and Alex smiled.
Is she very successful?
Probably.
She nodded slowly. Sometimes I wish I were. The one thing I think I would have been good at was denied me, and everything else ' well ' there's nothing much I can do.
You tell stories to children.
She smiled and looked embarrassed. That's hardly a life's work.
He was studying her quietly, remembering something his mother had said. Why don't you write down the stories? You could write children's books, Raphaella. Her eyes shone for a moment as she considered the suggestion, but then he went to her and took her in his arms. I hope that you know that if you never do a damn thing except love me, that will be enough.
Will it? Won't you be bored? She actually looked worried.
Never. It's funny. All my life I've been surrounded by ambitious women, professional women, women with all kinds of careers. I never thought I could understand a woman who was any different. And suddenly I realize that what I've wanted all along was someone like you. I don't want to wrestle and compete, and fight over who makes the bigger living. I just want to be myself with someone I care about, someone warm and kind and intelligent and nice to be with' . He nuzzled her neck. You know, that sounds kind of like you.
She looked at him for a long moment and then tilted her head to one side. You know what's strange? Right now, I feel as though this is my life. Here. With you. As though nothing else ever existed, as though my life in San Francisco isn't even real. Isn't that odd? She looked puzzled and he touched her face gently before kissing her on the mouth. And then he pulled away from her slowly with a small smile.
No. As a matter of fact I don't find it odd at all. His arms were around her again then, and he kissed her hungrily as her hands gently touched his thighs.
Chapter 10
The stewardess's voice droned on endlessly announcing their arrival in San Francisco, and Alex was aware of a feeling of depression stealing over him as the plane descended slowly toward the ground. Their two days together had been so perfect, so idyllic. They had gone to dinner the night before, and then gone to listen to Bobby Short as he had originally planned. And she had loved it. After that they had sat up and talked until almost four o'clock. Alternately discovering each other's bodies, and then lying side by side telling each other about their respective lives. When the sun came up on Sunday morning, she knew all about Rachel, his mother, and his sister. She told him about her father, Julien, the brother who had died at sixteen playing polo, and her marriage to John Henry, in the beginning, and now. It was as though they had always been together, as though they had always been meant to be. And now they were coming back to San Francisco and he was going to have to let her go, at least for a while. And he would have to content himself with what little time she could spare him when she stole away from her other life in her husband's house. At least that was what they had discussed the night before.
What are you thinking? You look awfully serious. He looked at her gently as they prepared to land. He sensed easily that she was feeling the same sadness he was. Their few days together had seemed like a lifetime, and now once again everything was going to change. Are you all right?
She looked at him sadly and nodded. I was just thinking' .
What about?
Us. About how things will be now.
It'll be all right. He spoke near to her ear, in a quiet, intimate way that thrilled her, but now she shook her head.
No, it won't.
He took her hand in his own and held it, searching her eyes and suddenly not liking what he saw. He suspected that she was feeling besieged by guilt again, but that was to be expected, after all they were nearing home turf. It would be harder to put aside her obligations here. But she didn't really have to. There would be room for both men in her life.
Alex' . Her voice faltered on the words. I can't do it. As her eyes met his they filled with tears.
What do you mean? He tried to fight his own panic and maintain at least an outward appearance of calm in the face of what he thought she had just said.
I can't.
You don't have to do anything right now, except relax. It was his best professional voice, but it didn't seem to soothe her, as the tears spilled onto her cheeks and rolled slowly until they fell onto their clasped hands. We can work all of this out later, as we go along.
But again she shook her head, and her next word was only a whisper. No' I was wrong' .I can't do it, Alex' not here. Not in the same town with him. It's just not right.
Raphaella, don't ' just give yourself a little time to adjust.
To what? For an instant she looked angry. Betraying my husband?
Is that what it is?
She shook her head again, her eyes begging him to understand. What can I do?
Wait. Try to live with the joy we have. Be fair to him and to yourself. That's all I want for all of us' . She nodded slowly and he squeezed her hand tightly in his own. Will you give it a chance?
It seemed an eternity before she answered. I'll try.
The plane landed a moment later and when it stopped at the gate, two stewardesses appeared, one carrying her fur coat, and Raphaella stood up quietly and put it on, giving no sign that the man she'd been seated next to had been anyone important to her at all. She picked up her tote bag, buttoned her coat, and then nodded. Only her eyes said I love you as she walked away and disappeared out of the rear exit in the plane as she had done before. The exit was closed again after she'd gone through it, and Alex felt a loneliness engulf him, the likes of which he'd never known. He suddenly felt as though everything he cared about had been stolen from him, and a wave of
terror swept through him. What if he never saw her again? He had to fight panic as he waited to deplane with the others, and then walked zombielike to the baggage claim to pick up his bag. He spotted the long black limousine waiting at the curb outside the building and the chauffeur who stood with the others, still waiting for her bags. Alex left the terminal quickly with his bags and stood for a moment looking at the long black car. The reflection of the bright lights on the window hid her from his vision but he couldn't bring himself to move away, and as though Raphaella had sensed this, one of the rear windows rolled down slowly as she pressed the little button with one finger. She looked anxiously out at him, wanting in some way to touch him again. Their eyes held for an endless moment and then, as though the sun had just risen for them again, he smiled gently at her and turned and walked toward the garage. In his heart he was whispering Tomorrow and wishing it were tonight.
Chapter 11
It was almost eight fifteen as he sat there, his foot tapping gently, in the den. The wine was standing open next to the cheese and fruit he had set out on the table, the fire was crackling brightly, the music was playing, and he was a nervous wreck. She had said any time after seven thirty, but he had not heard from her all day, and now he wondered if for some reason she had been unable to get out. She had sounded as lonely as he had when she had called him the previous evening, and his whole body had ached with the longing of wanting to take her in his arms. And now as he stood frowning down at the fire, wondering if anything had happened, he jumped at the sound of the phone.
Alex? His heart pounded and then skipped a beat in disappointment. It wasn't Raphaella, it was Kay.
Oh. Hi.
Something wrong? You sound uptight.
No, I'm just busy. And he wasn't in the mood to talk to her.
Working?
Sort of' . No' nothing' never mind. What's up?
Jesus. Talk about the bum's rush. I wanted to talk to you about Amanda.
Something wrong?
Not yet, thank God. Fortunately I know more about teen-agers than you do. That hundred dollars you gave her, Alex. No go.
What do you mean? His face tightened as he listened to his sister.
I mean that she's sixteen years old, and the only thing kids that age do with money is buy drugs.
Did she tell you why I gave it to her? And by the way, how did you find out, I thought that was just between the two of us.
Never mind how I found it. I was going through some of her things and it turned up.
Christ, what do you do to the kid, Kay, frisk her?
Hardly. But you forget how delicate my position is, Alex. I don't want her keeping dope in my house.
You make her sound like a goddamn junkie.
Horseshit. But if I'd let her, she'd keep a box of joints around like you and I would keep Scotch.
Have you ever just simply asked her not to?
Sure. You really think kids do what you say? Her total disrespect for her daughter drove him crazy and he felt the urge to explode as he listened to the innuendos in his sister's voice.
I think your attitude toward her is disgusting. I think she is one kid you can trust. And the reason I gave her the money is so that she could go skating at Rockefeller Center. She tells me that she goes skating a lot, and she skates at Wollman Rink in the park. I don't know if you're aware of it, but that kid could get murdered going in and out of Central Park. As her uncle, I'd like to treat her to the skating sessions. I had no idea you'd take the money away from her though or I'd have arranged it some other way.
Why don't you just let me handle my own daughter, Alex?
Why don't you admit that as a mother you stink? His voice bellowed across the room as he stood there wishing that there were something he could do for the child. I want you to let Amanda keep that money.
I don't give a damn what you want. I sent you a check in that amount today.
I'll take this up myself with Amanda.
Don't bother, Alex. Kay's voice was like ice. I check her mail. His own sense of frustration only mirrored what he knew Amanda must have felt in dealing with Kay.
You are a vicious bitch, do you know that? And you have no right to harass that child.
And where do you come off judging how I treat my daughter? You have no children, damn you. What the hell do you know?
Maybe nothing, Sis. Maybe nothing at all. And I may not have children, dear Congresswoman Willard. But you dear lady, have no heart.
She hung up on him then and at the same moment he heard the doorbell ring, and he felt a rush of emotions swirl around him like a riptide. It was Raphaella, he knew it. She had come after all. And suddenly his heart was soaring, but he had not yet forgotten the exchange with his sister about Amanda, and he also knew that he wanted to speak to the girl himself. He ran down the flight of stairs from his den to the front door and pulled it open and stood looking at Raphaella for a moment, happy, confused, and slightly harassed.
I was worried that something had happened. She shook her head and said not a word, but the smile that she wore spoke for her, and then carefully she stepped inside. As he closed the door behind her Alex swept her into his arms and held her very tight. Oh, baby, how I missed you' . Are you all right?
Yes. It was a tiny word buried beneath the fur coat she wore and his own body as he hugged her. She was wearing the lynx coat that she had worn that night on the steps. And then she hugged him again, under her own steam this time, and when she did, he saw that there was something tired and sad in her eyes. She had left a note in her bedroom saying only that she was going for a walk to visit friends, just in case they came to find her. That way none of the servants would panic and call the police when she didn't come back immediately from her walk. They were always uneasy about her evening strolls anyway, and John Henry would have had a fit if he knew. I thought today would go on forever. I waited and I waited and I waited, and every hour felt like two days.
That's how I felt today at the office. Come on. He took her by the hand and walked her to the stairway. I want to show you around upstairs. As they made their way through the house she was aware of the emptiness of the living room, yet in contrast she was overwhelmed by the warmth of his bedroom and the den. The two rooms were filled with creamy wools and soft leathers, huge plants, and endless shelves of books. There was a fire burning brightly in his bedroom and Raphaella felt instantly at home.
Oh, Alex, it's so pretty! And so comfortable and so warm. She rapidly shed the heavy fur coat and curled up on the floor beside him in front of the fire, the thick white rug beneath them, and before them on a low glass table were the wine and the cheese and the p+ot+! he had stopped to buy for her on the way home.
Do you like it? He looked happily around him. He had put together the decor himself when he bought the house.
I love it. She smiled, but she was oddly quiet, and he sensed again that something was wrong.
What is it, Raphaella? His voice was so gentle that it brought tears to her eyes. For all the pleasant patter about his house, he had sensed from the first moment that she was deeply upset. What's wrong?
She closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them again as she reached out instinctively for Alex's hand. I can't do this, Alex' .I just can't. I meant to' I was going to' I had it all planned, how every day I could spend with John Henry, and every night I could slip out for a walk' and then come here to be with you. And when I thought of it she smiled sadly again my heart flew. I felt young and excited and happy, like she faltered, her voice barely audible, her eyes damp like a bride' . Her eyes roved slowly toward the fire, but she left her hand in his. But I'm not any of those things, Alex. I'm not young anymore, at least not that young. And I have no right to that kind of happiness, not with you. And I'm not a bride. I'm a married woman. And I have a responsibility to a very sick man. Her voice grew stronger and she pulled her hand away from his. I can't come here anymore, Alex. Not after tonight. Now when she faced him, her voice was resolute.
<
br /> What made you change your mind?
Coming home. Seeing him. Remembering who I am.
Did you forget me in all that? It sounded pathetic to his own ears and he was angry at himself for saying it, but it was what he felt. Life had just dealt him a cruel blow. A woman he wanted desperately, and was not destined to have.
But she brought his hand gently to her lips and kissed it as she shook her head. I didn't forget you, Alex. And then, I never will. Almost as she said it she rose to go. He sat there watching her for a long moment, wanting to stop her, to fight her, yet knowing that there was nothing he could do. He had wanted to make love to her again, to talk to her, to spend the night with her' to spend his life with her. Slowly he got to his feet.
I want you to know something, Raphaella. He reached out and pulled her into his arms. I love you. We barely know each other and yet I know that I love you. I want you to go home and think about what you're doing, and if you change your mind, even for a moment, I want you to come back. Next week, next month, next year. I'll be here. He held her tight for a long, long time, wondering how long it would be before he would see her again. He couldn't bear the thought that perhaps he never would. I love you. Don't forget that.
I won't. There were tears streaming from her eyes now. I love you too.
They walked downstairs then, as though they both knew that there was no point staying in the house anymore, it would be too painful for them both. And with an arm around her shoulders, and her eyes filled with tears, he walked her home. She turned only once on her doorstep, waved once, and then disappeared.
a Perfect Stranger (1983) Page 11
