by Roman Shepp
“Now!” Phil cried out. Tony smashed the bat in the general direction of the snake and heard a vicious hiss as he struck true. The snake rolled away, and as it did so, Saeed lunged forward and grabbed its tail. He swung it around and hit it against a tree. Bones cracked, and its skull caved in upon impact. It fell to the ground, limp.
“Keep hold of him,” Tony told Phil, not wanting the dog to investigate the dead animal and be poisoned by it.
Jane had done a good job of hiding the scene from Tara, but it was impossible to keep the child completely sheltered. Tara looked at the “big worm” mournfully, as though she couldn't see the danger that the snake posed. Tony rested the bat against his shoulder. When would the killing end? They left the snake behind, but all he could think about was everyone he had seen die. Especially those who had been killed by his own hand. Those who had been maimed and mutilated, who still were alive, but suffering horribly. It had been a mercy killing on a grand scale, but it still didn't sit right with Tony. He wasn't sure it ever would.
Chapter Twelve
Jane couldn't help but be amused by Tara. The girl was so full of energy and didn't seem as if she was going to run out of it anytime soon. The group walked on a little more until they came to a clearing and took a short rest, sharing some food and water. Jane warned Tara not to run off too far, and Tara shouted her agreement. Jane shook her head and chuckled to herself. Had she ever been that young and carefree? Perhaps, many years ago.
The incident with the snake had been intense. Jane was surprised with herself at how quickly she had wanted to protect Tara. Always the career woman, Jane had wanted children at some point, but always in a far distant future. Now she was encumbered with one but didn't see it as a burden at all. She'd hated the way Saeed had treated Tara, although she understood. It seemed as though Tony and Saeed had had words about that. She'd have to talk to Tony about it later and find out where things stood. It wasn't fair to Tara to treat her like that, and she might not be able to understand why.
Tony was off to the side brooding, though. He'd become increasingly despondent in recent days. Not that she could blame him after everything they'd seen, but he seemed the type of person to let the anguish get the better of him. Jane never had had time to be like that. Life in politics rarely gave her any chance for self-reflection. Perhaps if it had she would have changed the way she had lived her life and ended her affair sooner.
Looking at Tara, Jane thought about her youth and how people must have wondered what kind of woman she was going to turn out to be. In truth, she doubted she had made her parents proud, not that that mattered anymore. Tara was going to have an entirely different future anyway, although there was no telling how long any of them were going to live.
“It's amazing, isn't it, how she can be so oblivious to the world,” Jane said. “I wish I could live in ignorance like that.”
“You haven't spent much time around kids, have you?” Phil said, smiling. He was a burly man and had formed the habit of clasping his maimed hand behind his back. Often the stump was visible, though, and it took a great effort on Jane's part not to stare.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because kids are way more observant than people give them credit for. I hate to think of what Tara's seen in this world, but she's probably using this as a coping mechanism. Or she's just tough, which I wouldn't put past her.”
“If she is, she's one of the toughest people I've ever known. I can't imagine how I'd be if I was her age and had to deal with all of his.”
“Actually, I'd prefer to be a kid.”
“Seriously?”
“Oh yeah, think about it. As adults we're used to the way the world is. We've spent our lives learning how to live in that world. How to survive within the boundaries and the rules, and now that that all has fallen apart, we're struggling to find our place. Well, I imagine most of us are anyway. It's like we're all hamsters who have been running on a wheel, but the wheel has broken and we've all been flung off. Now we're crawling around the floor in a daze, trying to figure out how we're going to continue with our lives. But kids? They're still young. Their minds are made to adapt. They're not tied to society like we were, so they're better at adapting.”
“I'd never thought of it like that.”
“They're also more resilient than you'd think. Kids can process trauma better than adults can, in most cases. Their brains still are growing, new neural pathways are being formed, and they can accept that this is the way the world is. Think about the way we're looking at the world. We're still thinking of it in terms of everything we've lost, of how we have to adapt, but Tara isn't. She just sees the world as it is, living in the moment. Of course, she's lucky that she's around adults because we have skills that she doesn't. If she was alone, she probably wouldn't be able to survive for too long. But if we were able to make adjustments as quickly as she can, we probably would be better off.”
“How do you know so much about all this? Were you a psychiatrist or something?”
“Nothing so grand. I wasn't much of anything, really. I just liked learning. My apartment was filled with books on pretty much every topic. When I was younger I thought to myself that I'd like to read every book that ever had been written.”
“And how did that go?”
“Better than you'd think, but I never even scratched the surface. It makes me sad to think that there are so many books out there that are never going to be read, and more that never will be written. I always wanted to write a book myself, but I guess that'll never happen either.”
“You never know. You always could write about what's going on now.”
“It would make a hell of a story alright, but I don't know if we'll ever be in a position as a society to write books again.”
“Maybe not our generation at least,” she said, gazing wistfully at Tara. “It's really on us, isn't it, to leave a world for them?”
“It always has been, but there's more to it now. We all have to be the teachers, the caretakers. We can't leave it to other people. In a way, we all have to be parents.”
“You ever wanted kids?”
“At some point, yeah. My brother had two little tykes. They were so full of life. I wanted some of my own one day. Not that I had faith it ever would happen. I'm wasn't exactly known as a ladykiller, but I guess my chances have increased in this world. I am one of the last men alive, after all,” he said. Jane smiled.
The idea of sex almost frightened her. The thought of having other hands on her body after what she had been through with Frank filled her with revulsion. Tony was sweet, but she viewed him as a friend. There wasn't any part of her that had thought about having another relationship. The way Phil looked at her, though...it was with the hunger of a man deprived. She didn't sense any danger from him, but it made her uncomfortable to be the subject of his gaze. There were some men who just didn't have very good social skills, and Phil was one of them.
“So, you knew Tony from before?” she asked.
“Oh yeah. It's a hell of a thing running into him here. Never thought I'd see anyone from my old life again.”
“Did you not want to make it back into the city?”
“If I could have got out of there, I would have. But first I was concerned with running away from the fire, and then I got captured by those cannibals. Figured if I ever did make it back, I'd be too late and everyone I knew would have high-tailed it out of there, or worse. To be honest, I kinda just wanted to get back to my apartment and spend the end of days reading. As long as I had food and a good book I'd have been alright, but life has something else in store for me.”
“Hopefully, we'll be safe soon.”
“If this bunker of yours pays off,” he said.
Jane squirmed in her seat. The bunker. It was such a promising lead, and yet it was fraught with potential failure. Jane didn't know the exact location, only a rough estimate, and they only could survive in the woods for a short period of time. The world was a dangerous place
, with threats lurking everywhere they turned.
“Do you know what Tara meant by the bad man?” she asked. What Tara said had lodged in her mind, and she hadn't been able to shake it. The bad man...children had vivid imaginations, but Jane got the sense that this was something more.
“I have no idea. I wasn't exactly free to roam around, but there were a lot of us escaping from the convention. I wasn't there long, but I heard a lot of fighting and I'm sure a few of those men escaped into the forest. There are probably a lot of people out here, actually.”
Fear rippled across Jane's flesh. She looked around, worried that Tara had run off. Relief swam through her when she saw the girl playing with Groot nearby. Her gaze drifted to the forest, lost in the sea of green and brown. There were so many things to be afraid of in this world. The sooner they reached the bunker the better, for its walls would protect all of them.
“I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, though. Most people are like the rest of us, just trying to make it through. It's the scared people you've gotta watch out for, and the ones who have nothing left to lose. But it's good that we're in a group. Means people are going to be less likely to attack us. They'll go for the vulnerable ones, the ones who can't defend themselves.”
Just like Frank, Jane thought. He'd seen her and manipulated her because she was a wide-eyed naive girl who believed everything a politician said. But Jane had fought back, and she would keep fighting back until she could fight no longer. She'd teach Tara as well. Glancing around again like a nervous mother taking her child to the playground for the first time, Jane exhaled slowly. Tara was fine. There was nothing to be worried about. They all were safe and sound in these woods, and as long as they stuck together they would be safe.
Despite telling herself all these things, Jane had a nagging doubt in her mind, a fear that gnawed and clawed at her relentlessly. She breathed deeply, placed her hands in her lap, and pressed her lips together in an effort to remain composed. Thankfully, Phil seemed happy enough to carry the conversation. That was understandable, given how he had been treated. He must be glad for the company. Jane breathed deeply again and tried to relax, telling herself that Phil was just a man who had been through a terrible ordeal and needed a friend.
“Truth be told, I need to adapt as well,” he said, raising his stump. “It's a hell of a thing. I keep feeling like it's still there. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to scratch my nose without thinking.”
“I'm surprised you're handling it as well as you are. I thought that, generally, people went into shock when things like that happened.”
“What else could I do? I was better off than some of them in that chop shop. Like I said to Tony, I'm a leftie, so I've still got my good arm. It just takes some getting used to, but I still have most of me. Some of them others, they were left with nothing but their heads, basically. That's no life. If they had taken anything else, I would have wanted Tony to kill me too, but this I can live with.”
“Did Tara actually know what was happening?”
“She must have known that something was wrong, but probably chose to ignore it. She was lucky, though. They had a use for her, which meant they weren't going to hurt her or eat her.”
Jane squirmed again as she thought about the taste of the meat in her mouth. She had thrown it all up by now, but the knowledge that it had sat in her stomach remained. She never would be able to forget she had eaten human flesh, not that she wanted to talk about it with anyone. If she had her way, she would take it to the grave with her.
“Anyway, she's alright. Sometimes I think people are tougher than we give ourselves credit for, almost like being weak is a con. Like, did we really need all those medications and therapy? Sometimes I wonder if we just used them because they were there. What did our ancestors do? They didn't all just die of anxiety and ADD. Can you imagine that? A whole swath of people killed by a plague of mental illnesses?
“Anyway, it's better that we try finding a way to cope than just drift away. When confronted with the truth we must not blind ourselves in ignorance, for we only are doing ourselves a disservice. That's what most people do, waste time thinking about what could have been and what should have been. That's just wasted mental energy. Nobody has the power to change the universe, so what's the point in trying? Better to focus on the things you can control. Since I've got a stump now, I'm going to have to make the most of it. I think I might try getting a cool attachment, like a claw or something.”
Jane smiled at him. Phil continued talking about different attachments he could get, but Jane's thoughts drifted away. She knew all about living in denial and turning away from the truth. She had done that for most of her adult life. Deep down she knew about Frank. Somewhere in the swamp of her subconscious mind she knew the type of man he was, but she had pushed that thought deep down inside of her until it was nothing but a whisper. All because she was in love with the idea of the man more than the man himself.
Lost in her thoughts, it was a little while before she looked around again. This time when she did so, she froze in panic. “Tara! TARA!” she yelled.
The little girl was nowhere to be seen. Groot was licking himself beside a tree. Saeed and Tony were lost in their own little worlds, and Tara was gone. Anxiety seized her as she rose from the log upon which she was sitting and ran to the edge of the small clearing. The rest of the men leaped into action too, fanning out into a circle.
“The last time I looked she was over here,” Jane said, and the rest of them followed in her direction.
She walked to where the trees began getting denser and pushed aside some errant branches, so afraid Tara had been pounced on by a wild animal. There was no response to their calls, and by now all of them were agitated. Even Saeed was moving. Jane was glad that, even though he had lost a lot, he hadn't lost everything that made him human. Jane was out in front and she didn't care that she was unarmed. All she could think was that Tara was in danger, and it was her duty to protect her.
What if it was the bad man?
Tara increased her pace and pushed through the forest, her cries becoming ever more shrill, until her panic reached a crescendo and tears welled up in her eyes. Then she saw a shade of blue through the cloak of brown and green. Tara's dress. Without thinking, Jane ran up to the little girl and wrapped her arms around her. There was nothing around, except a butterfly that fluttered away.
“You scared her off,” Tara said, tilting her head up to follow the haphazard path of the flying insect, its speckled wings making it harder to track as it rose against the backdrop of the forest.
“You can't wander off like that, Tara!” Jane said, holding the little girl as tightly as she could. Jane hadn't realized just how much Tara had come to mean to her in such a short amount of time until she almost had lost the little girl.
“I just wanted to follow the butterfly,” Tara said.
“We've all wanted to follow a butterfly at some point in our lives,” Jane said, “but you can't wander off like that in these woods.”
“Okay,” Tara said. Jane took hold of her hand as they returned to the small clearing. Never before had Jane felt such anxiety as when she thought Tara was in danger, and she didn't want to feel it again anytime soon.
“We should keep moving,” Tony said. “Where's the bunker?”
This was the moment of truth. The moment Jane had been dreading. She hadn't exactly misled them, but she hadn't been entirely truthful either. At the time, she would have said anything to ensure she was not left alone, and she only hoped that now she would be able to placate them.
“Well,” she began, looking this way and that, “I know it's in the forest in this area,” she said. Tony and Saeed glanced at each other.
“But where?” Tony said.
Jane looked down at her feet, which she was digging into the mud. “I know the coordinates,” she mumbled.
“What?” Tony asked.
“I know the coordinates,” she said, a little more loudly. “I'm not
sure exactly where they are, but I know the coordinates.”
“That's not really going to help us without a map and a compass,” Tony said.
“I'm sorry, guys,” Jane said.
“When were you going to tell us?” Tony asked.
“Right about now,” she admitted. “I thought we were going to find it more quickly than this, or we were going to come across a safe place before we made it this far. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to lead you on this wild goose chase. I know there is one out here. That's a fact. I just don't know exactly where.”
Tony puffed out his cheeks and placed his hands on his hips. “Well, is there a ranger's cabin around here or something? Some place that would have a map?”
“Maybe a gas station along the road?” Phil said. None of them much liked the idea of turning back.
“Can you not remember anything else?” Tony asked.
Jane searched the recesses of her mind. “Only that it was near a river.”
“Well, that's something,” Tony said. “We find the river, we should be able to find the bunker, and maybe along the way we'll find a map.”
Jane was relieved that they seemed happy to search for it, but she still felt like a failure. The bunker was the one thing she had brought to this group. That sliver of hope was all they had to nourish themselves, and now it could be nothing more than a mirage. They headed away from the small clearing and walked farther into the woods, hoping they would come across a river sooner rather than later.
Chapter Thirteen
“It was a hell of a thing to see you there,” Phil said as he sidled up toward Tony.
