by Pamela Ann
“You’re exhausted? From what, Em?” My voice had gone low and deadly because, true enough, I was just a tiny push away from it.
Emma nervously swallowed hard, eyes on me, possibly thinking shit to come up with. “I said. That’s. None. Of. Your. Business. Got it?” She spat the words back at me, almost just as riled up as I was.
It was my business, though. Emma made me happy. I felt like she completely left without giving me a second thought, without any regrets about us. “Don’t do this to me, Em… this is driving me insane!” I blurted out, knowing that this was the closest I’d come to begging her not to leave me.
Emma looked unsure as she looked at me, eyes confused. “I thought we were done?” she asked, watching me with great uncertainty, gauging my thoughts.
I want you back, my eyes screamed at her. I want you back, Emma. With a pounding heart, I closed my eyes and whispered, “I know, but I can’t stomach the thought of you with another guy. I just can’t. I’m going crazy here, Emma.” You had no idea how much.
“Do you love me?” she throatily asked.
Her unexpected question made me open my eyes and immediately seek her blue ones, searching and pensive as I tried to make sense of what I found in those depths. Why ask a question I had emphasized in the very beginning that I didn’t do? Why push the damn stupid subject, knowing the outcome would be the same? Unless… unless… Emma was.
Cautiously, I replied, “I told you, I don’t do love, Em.” When I spoke the word love, it tasted bitter on my tongue. God, how I hated that word.
The second I spouted the words; Emma became a different woman again. That little window of vulnerability was gone, and back was the nonchalant woman. “Then there’s no point of you being here, now is there, Carter?”
My dark eyes penetrated hers, trying to read her. Was she playing a game? A game so that I could come running back to her, declaring stupid, idiotic notions of love? She could just be. After all, women were such conniving creatures. My mother took the cake for that.
“Are you in love with me, Em? Is that what this is all about?” Reaching out, I gently cupped her cheek, missing the feel of her skin against mine.
“I don’t,” Emma shakily uttered, emboldening me to press on the subject some more.
If she was in love with me, I wouldn’t care because I liked being with her. With her love and devotion, it only meant that she wouldn’t leave and I liked, very much, for her to be by my side.
“You don’t sound convincing to me and if that’s the reason why you broke it off, then I don’t mind that as long as you’re with me again,” I emphasized. Hell, I think I prayed that she was in love this very second. That was another first, since praying and me didn’t kick well.
Her eyes looked panicked before becoming cold, transforming her demeanor in a blink of an eye. “Well, that’s your problem. Now, will you please get out of my room? I didn’t sleep much last night and I need some rest.”
Last night, she went to be with another man, went inside his home and came back looking like she had a good all-nighter. Fuck. Shit. I wasn’t sure what to do if she told me she slept with him and had another man enjoy her.
“Em, is it true? Did you spend the night with him?” It seemed to take so much effort to speak those words. Something was suctioning my breath away from my body while I tried to fight it off, but the longer she took to respond to my question, the harder it became to bring air into my lungs.
She waited for a good minute before continuing, “He took me back to his home, and yes, we spent the night together.” She pressed her lips together as I tried to hold back a scream and demand shit from her.
Confused and angered at the emotions that were seizing me in immediate absorption, I punched the wall next to her, hard, before growling like a maniac. I knew from the strong sting that I was cut open and bleeding, but I was past caring. I felt like someone just torched me, letting me burn alive while I screamed for help—for someone to rescue me—but no one could hear my wretched screams.
I couldn’t look at the woman who had fucked with my life. I wanted to leave her presence and not look back any longer. “Goodbye, Emma,” I whispered and immediately marched out of her room.
Do You See Me?
Imagine the crap load of shit I had to face the next day when someone shoved a magazine at me with Emma and Bass in his parking lot, almost kissing and smiling like they were so happy together, after practice.
So much for telling myself that I could easily move on from her.Guess that wasn’t happening, I thought with dread as new emotions rolled off me again.
Not wasting any time, I left the locker room and headed towards the coffee shop where the girls always hung out in between classes. I could see them right out the window. Parking next to the curb, I climbed out of my vehicle with fucking determination. Walking inside the coffee place, I saw Trista’s face light up then Amber’s and Emma’s nervous-looking glance as I approached their table.
“Can we talk outside?” I directed towards Emma, not masking my intentions anymore.
She gawked at me for a few seconds, possibly thinking about the shit I was going to bitch at her about after seeing that magazine.
“All right.” She got up before she glanced at Amber and Trista. “See you ladies later,” she murmured.
The look on those two was pretty much curiosity on how this was going to play out. They’d never seen me act like this. Well, hell, I’d never seen myself like this, and I didn’t like it one bit.
Walking towards the doors, I guided her out. Once outside, I silently strode towards my black Escalade and opened the door for her to hop in.
I exhaled another long breath while I spun towards the other side, my side, before opening the car door and sliding in, locking all the doors.
The engine was running with no music playing; the silence was deafening and here I was, not sure what to tell Emma. Putting my feelings into words was a hardship I needed to get over pretty soon before she committed herself to another man.
“I thought you wanted to talk. So, talk,” Emma commanded, apparently aggravated at my silent state.
Give me a moment, I pleaded silently as I stared past the windshield, out at the pavement. Running my hands through my disheveled hair, I forced myself to get my shit together. Scratching my brow with my finger before facing the woman on my side, I sought those beautiful orbs.
Blue eyes met my dark, fathomless depths. Without breaking eye contact, I spoke with evident strain and torment, “I really want you back, Emma.” Bad.
Calmly, she responded to my declaration. “We’ve been here before. Yesterday in fact, if you don’t recall.”
“I know. I was an idiot. I haven’t slept because every time I shut my eyes, you’re all I see. When news broke about you and Bass spending the night together, I couldn’t take it, Em. This is fucking killing me. You’re killing me and I’m going insane. I can’t think straight!”
She leaned back against the leather headrest, looking like she was thinking, hard.
When she finally spoke after the short stretch of silence, though, she kicked my gut again. “I can’t do that.”
“Why the hell not? You and I were great together, Em. We were… and you know it!” I sighed heavily and stared at the car ceiling. We had only broken up a few days ago. At this point, we could still figure shit out, unless… unless she was with Bass already. Fuck me. “Are you guys dating now or something?” I rushed out. My Adam’s apple was bobbing up and down while I tried to read her. My eyes flickered back and forth, searching for the truth.
She thought for a second before shrugging. “No. It’s not like that. The gossip you see and hear is just, well… gossip.” She nervously glanced at me, wondering. “Why are you doing this now, Carter? Is this about your pride and ego? Because I honestly don’t buy the shit you’re telling me. We both know that you’ve had some crazy wild rides around town. Sex with me isn’t exceptional. You’ve done more questionable sexual exhibitions with
other women. So, what the hell is going on?”
This was about other women again? Was Emma serious? This was between us. US, and no one else, dammit. “Unfuckingbelievable! I fucking miss you! That’s what’s going on. It’s the entire truth!” I barked out in frustration. Couldn’t she tell? Did I have to spell it out for her? Couldn’t she see how much I was suffering? “Don’t shut me down without some thought, Em. Just promise you’ll think it over before you give me an answer? I’d rather take that than your immediate rejection.”
Silence.
“Emma?” I pleaded when she didn’t speak.
“I’ll think about it. No promises, though, just so we’re clear,” she clarified with total nonchalance.
Guess that was better than nothing. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” My eyes lingered on her some more, wanting to reach out and erase that frown on her face. “It’s past one already; want to grab something to eat? Or better yet, why don’t I take you out tonight? I haven’t taken you out on a date for a while,” I lightly suggested, hopeful.
Emma scornfully glared at me before responding to my offer. “I’m fine. Do you think you could just drop me off at my dorm?”
“Yeah, of course.”
When I got us into traffic, I turned to her. “It’s our second to last game of the season against UCLA. Will you come and wear my jersey?”
She shook her head, rejecting me. “I can’t. I have things to do.”
I barely nodded, not wanting to push the issue. If I had to win her back, I had to calm it down and change my tactic.
Student housing was pretty close to the café so the ride back was quick. “Thanks. I’ll see you around,” Emma muttered before slamming my door shut.
I sat in the car while I watched her walk away from me. My eyes followed her as she climbed the stairs and when she got to the top landing, I saw her look at me. Was that a smile that formed on her lips? I wasn’t sure, but whatever it was, it made my day, because in my head, it was surely a smile.
Rip My Heart Out
“Hey, Bass! Ready to go?” I heard Emma ask as the apartment door suddenly swung open. Brody strolled in first, followed by me. At that point, I tried to act like I was fine, but when I saw the actor, I was immediately shaking with rage. Calm thoughts left me in a second.
“What are you two doing here?” Lindsey asked in annoyance.
Brody glanced at Emma then at Bass. “We, uh—thought you guys would like to go and get something to eat.”
How the hell did this happen? I was planning to take my girl on a date, guess not any longer. I couldn’t go on pretending that she was mine when she’s dressing up like a beautiful, sexy bombshell for this guy. The cocky actor’s confidence made me want to spit on his face and smash it to the ground. Grinding my teeth together, I knew I had to get my shit together or hell was going to break free.
“Didn’t you guys have soccer practice?” Lindsey asked again, eyeing us in question.
“It was cancelled, Linds,” I noted, my voice deadly.
No one bothered with introductions because the atmosphere in the apartment was so strained and tense.
Bass wrapped an arm around Emma’s waist possessively, staking his claim. “Let’s go.”
Out of nowhere, a scary growl came from me while my fists were clenching and unclenching, trying to calm the fuck down, but itching to throw a punch, just a fucking punch to launch my anger at this cocky actor.
Bass broke the silence again. “Let’s go.” Emma nodded in agreement before turning towards Lindsey. “Linds, thanks for the help and everything. I’ll call you later.” She hugged her before Bass guided her out the door.
“Yo, bro, you cool?” Brody asked as I stared at the door, contemplating if I should yank it open and grab Emma back inside and away from that stupid Hollywood guy. He had his arm wrapped around Emma—my Emma—like she was his already!
The poison that was tearing me up inside was toxic and I was being enslaved by its burning pain. I had no clue on how to stop it.
My Emma was out with him, again. Without thinking, I shot her a text message. For some reason, I wanted to cry. Witnessing Emma moving on from me—not with Lewis, but with another man—was just too much. Lewis, I suppose, was just a lie to get rid of me. From where I was standing, it looked like she wanted to go out there and see other men. Possibly get more experienced with dating and enjoying others. I felt like a fool for believing that she and I could make it work.
Well, that was it. I was fucking done, too.
Me: You just broke me apart, Em. It took all my strength not to yank you away from him and keep you for myself. But what good would that do? You don’t want me. I guess I have to accept that, huh? I get it. The message is loud and clear. I’m not going to wait for you anymore. I guess good things always slip away. You were special to me, Emma.
After I was done, I reverted back to staring at the door. What was she doing right now? Where were they going tonight?
“Carter, hey!” Lindsey shook my arm. I blinked twice and ordered myself to snap out of the trance I was in.
“I’m good. You guys want to bounce and get some grub?” I asked my sister and Brody as they both looked at me strangely. Worried, would be the right word—but they shouldn’t be.
It was only pussy, right? This shit wouldn’t get me down.
I had said my piece and begged twice for Emma to consider us again, but tonight, she made her point, her choice. I wasn’t going to waste my time pining for someone, even if they were fucking explosive in bed.
There were dozens of women out there. Emma’s just one of many.
Are you sure about that? Then, why have you declined all the pussy platters that have been offered to you like a goddamn buffet, huh? My thoughts popped evilly out of nowhere, countering my confidence.
Okay, cool. Emma was special, I conceded. So special, in fact, that I hadn’t been tempted to stray for three months straight. That was a fucking record for me.
“I’m staying home. I’m not that hungry,” Lindsey replied.
“Lindsey! Come on, join us?” Brody begged my sister.
It was obvious that Brody wanted her, but Lindsey was keeping her distance. God knows what the fuck was going on with those two. If it were any other guy, I would have been worried. However, it was Brody, my childhood best friend and one of the only people I knew who was decent around here. I wouldn’t mind him asking my sister out as long as he treated her well, but if he fucked up, I would be the one he’d have to answer to.
“No, I said I don’t feel like going out, okay?” Lindsey snapped.
“Feel like going through In-N’-Out and then straight to Amanda’s party?” I asked Brody, but he was too engrossed in staring at my sister to hear me.
Fuck! Enough! I was getting sick of all this puppy-follow-you-anywhere shit. “I’m going to bounce. You two figure shit out,” I said as I closed the door shut.
Fuck it all! I’m going straight to the party.
Amanda Johnson was having a party at her parents’ mansion that overlooked the ocean in Carpinteria. It didn’t take me that long to get there and once I was inside, I felt a bit better. The place was in wild party mode—just my kind of style.
“Yo, bro! You going to try out for basketball since soccer season is over?” Dwayne Russo asked as he tapped my shoulder and shoved a Corona in my hand.
I downed the drink in one go and had a few shots of vodka before grabbing another beer. I needed to consume as much alcohol as I could to make myself numb so I could get through the night.
I wanted to forget everything and not feel shit.
I liked basketball, but my heart lay with soccer. I just might try out since it seemed like I need some kind of distraction. “We’ll see, dude. What’s been going on?” I looked around the vast lawn that sprawled towards the shore. People were milling about, laughing and drunk as fuck.
“Heads up, Amanda’s been asking everyone if you’re here. I guess you can say she wants to be your nex
t candidate. You’re such a lucky bastard, man!” He laughed and decided to mingle with a giggly blonde trio who were licking salt off each other’s breasts, getting ready to do shots.
“Carter, my man, my man!” Cooper, obviously drunk, slurred his words. Where the hell had he been? I hadn’t seen him around in days. He and Brody seemed to have gotten into a nasty fight because they weren’t talking to each other.
I’d have to address that soon, mentally making a checklist.
“You think it’s time to slow down on the booze?” I asked with concern. I’d never seen Cooper like this.
Cooper decided to ignore my question. “Where the fuck is Brody, man?” His eyes squinted as he looked around for him.
I shrugged. “He’s back at Lindsey’s dorm.” The fight was on, but I wasn’t going to be in the middle. It was between Brody and Cooper. I had my own demons to fight.
“Son of a bitch!” he cursed as he stomped away. I immediately followed him inside the house, but only got halfway.
“There you are! I’ve been waiting all night for you.” Amanda snagged me and led me towards a quiet sitting room—away from the buzz of the crowd—then pushed me on a couch. Amanda’s been trying to get with me for the last three months. She would’ve been successful if I hadn’t met Emma first.
Amanda was hot—with her long legs, long brown hair and pretty green eyes—she knew it, too. Tonight, she was wearing a short, tight, red dress that showed off her body and left little to the imagination.
With her sultry eyes and the way she was seductively biting her bottom lip, I should‘ve been hard by now or at least at half-mast—but I was neither.
Amanda sat across from me and instantly spread her legs wide-open. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath. As I stared at her exposed cunt, inviting me to take my pleasure in it, I kept asking myself, do I want to hit that?
“Do you want a taste, baby?” she murmured, sticking out her tongue, trying to entice me to touch and taste her.
