by Abby Ayles
“All right, I do admit, you will have to continue to gain confidence in that particular field,” Harrison allowed. “But Regina, you don’t have to be anything that you’re not.
“You’re already witty. And you’re already sophisticated. Even if you don’t see it in yourself. It’s all in there. I promise that, and I’m many things including possibly a horrible person but I’m not a liar.”
“You’re not a horrible person, either,” Regina said automatically. She wondered what would make him think such a thing about himself.
“We’ll get back to that,” Harrison said dismissively. “The point here is that I’m not a liar. Therefore, you can trust me when I say that you already have all that you need. I’m merely letting you find a way to bring it out.
“I think it a great tragedy that you have four such accomplished sisters. Not that I think they are bad people. You know full well my admiration for your eldest sister. But they shine so brightly. They dazzle. And I think that has left you without the room you deserved to grow into your own.
“You are just as witty, and talented, and engaging, and sophisticated, as any of your sisters. But you’re the youngest and I think—I think that you allowed them to hold the spotlight without even realizing that was what you were doing
“I think you’ve sold yourself terribly short. You have all that you need to walk into that card room and take that bastard—I’m sorry, pardon my language—for all that he’s worth. You just don’t know it yet. That’s all.”
Regina felt as though the room had become too hot and too small. And it wasn’t in a pleasant way, like when she and Harrison were playing cards and she could feel every inch of her skin aflame, reminding her of how close he was and how alive they both were,
Instead it reminded her of when she was in a ballroom and it felt like there were too many people around her. All of them crowding around her and being loud. It stifled her and even frightened her.
She felt frightened now. Almost as though she couldn’t get in any air, couldn’t breathe properly.
She stood up abruptly, turning away from Harrison and breaking his hold around her. Literally, as his arm fell away from her shoulders. Perhaps metaphorically as well.
“I won’t have you filling my head with pretty stories,” she replied to him. She kept her back to him.
She felt like a silly child, on the verge of tears. She didn’t want Harrison to see her in that way. She didn’t want anyone to see her in that way anymore, she realized. She wanted to be taken seriously as an adult.
But how could she do that when she was about to burst into tears? And over something utterly ridiculous.
“They’re not pretty stories—” Harrison began.
“I understand that you want to butter me up. That it will benefit me to go in there filled with confidence. But I will not be lied to. I want to go into that room knowing the truth about what I can and cannot accomplish and that means knowing the truth about myself.”
She kept her back to him but she no longer felt like crying. That was good.
“I haven’t spent my life being told that I’m one way to believe a man when he uses honeyed words to tell me I’m another. I know that I’m young. I know I might slip up and be childish.
“But I’m not unintelligent. I’m certainly not naïve. I understand who I am and how I am. And sophisticated, witty, those things—those things I certainly am not.
“Do you not think that, if I were, I would have shown some sign of them before now? That somebody, somewhere, would have seen them?
“Even Bridget—and I know that you care for her, and I don’t mean to speak ill of her. You know that I adore her. She is the dearest person in the world to me. But even she, I think sometimes, I think she worries about me.
“I think that she doesn’t think I’m quite up to herself or my sisters either. As much as she doesn’t mean to think it. And as much as it would hurt her to say it out loud because she would know that saying it would hurt me. But if even… if even my darling sister who I know loves me. And I know that she loves me—if even she thinks that of me…
“You can see how I know that you’re flattering me. And I don’t like it. It’s part of why I don’t like most men, they flatter you because they think every woman wants to be treated as a peacock. That women only want praise no matter how false it is.
“And maybe other women want that. Perhaps they would hear sweet nothings no matter how false those statements might be. I am not one of those women. I want the truth only.
“Society has been kind enough to give me the truth, if not to my face. You’ve said it yourself. You know what people have told you about me. I’m a mouse. I’m horribly rude when I do open my lips. I’m not at all fun to be around. I’m entertaining only in that it can be amusing to watch me stumble all over myself.
“I make myself and those around me uncomfortable. That’s all I am. So you’ll excuse me if I don’t play the part of yet another ingénue who falls for your sweet words. I’m sure you’ve gotten many a girl with them.
“And I don’t blame those girls! They’re well-said words, very pretty, and who doesn’t want to be told that they are special and valuable? I can understand why they like it so much. But I get enough fantasy from my books. I’m not one of those girls.”
She heard the sofa creak slightly and the floorboards shift as Harrison stood up.
“You ridiculous, impossible creature,” Harrison said quietly. “Why do you think that I chose to help you? Why I continue to help you even after my friends made it clear to me the danger that we are putting both of ourselves in by spending time with one another?
“The right thing to do—the proper thing to do—would be to send you home. No matter what you may wish to do to save your family, it cannot be worth the ruin that you risk bringing down upon yourself. Not only by playing cards but by spending time with me.
“Cora may be your escort but she is a tentative one. And we spend hours of every day together. It is suspect. It is more than suspect. If I were a truly honorable man I would give it all up and let you go.
“But I have faith in you. I know that you can pull this off. And may God forgive me but I actually enjoy your company, shocking a discovery though it may be to you.
“I am not the kind of man given over to flattering ladies who do not deserve it. Especially when it comes to something of this nature. You asked for my help. My help can only truly be helpful to you if I push you.
“As you are, you cannot win. But I know what you can be and if I push you, then you will become the kind of person who can beat Pettifer. But not if I simply flatter you.
“That is not how champions are made. That is not how anyone succeeds. One succeeds by being challenged. So if I tell you something—if I compliment you—then it is because you are genuinely worthy of that compliment.
“It is important that one sees one’s self clearly. Especially when you are going to embark on a venture such as this one. That means you need to see your flaws, yes. But it also means that you need to see your virtues.
“You do have virtues, Regina,” Harrison said. His voice gentled. “You have many of them. Please stop hurting yourself by claiming that you do not. It only hides the truly wonderful person that you are away from society. It teaches you to be ashamed of yourself when there is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“And you claim that you are a horrible person,” Regina said. “Yet you spend all of this time building me up.”
She turned around and tentatively smiled at him.
“I am quite the rake,” he warned her, “To let you behave in the way that you do. I’m encouraging your delinquency. A proper man would have sent you home.”
“You’re welcome to keep blaming me, if you like,” Regina replied. Her voice was admittedly a little shaky.
Harrison laughed. “Impossible. By the end of this, you will have accomplished your goal of getting your family’s land and money back.
“But I will have
accomplished my own goal of making you value yourself. Have I made myself clear?”
Regina wasn’t sure what to do with this—this strange conviction and faith that he had in her.
“I bet you say that to all the young ladies,” she said. She didn’t know what else to say or do so she fell up on humor.
“Only the ones who are worthy of it,” Harrison replied.
He kissed her forehead gently.
And of course, that had to be the moment that Cora walked in.
Chapter 24
Regina stepped back. No, that wasn’t right—she jumped back, as if branded with a hot poker.
She did, in fact, know what that felt like. It involved being a child with Elizabeth for an older sister.
The point was she jumped back, away from Harrison. As if Cora hadn’t already thought that they were doing things together. Things like kissing and all the rest.
As if they were doing something shameful.
But they were—or at least, that was what she had been taught. This was the sort of thing that only husbands and wives did together. And they never did it where others could see them.
Sex and intimacy were private. Even something as simple as kissing your spouse was private. Bridget had been sure to plant that idea firmly in Regina’s head.
“I never saw Mother and Father be affectionate around anyone,” Bridget had told her once. “And they were devastatingly in love.”
It was going to be difficult to get used to touching someone, even her husband, and be comfortable with others seeing. Never mind someone she would have been completely ostrasized for touching if she was seen by the wrong people.
“Oh, please, don’t stop on my account,” Cora said. “And by that I mean, please do stop, you two are disgusting.”
“Oh dear, did we offend your delicate sensibilities?” Harrison asked, teasing. His tone was light but Regina could tell by the stiff way that he held himself that he felt thrown off-kilter as well.
“My sensibilities are far from delicate,” Cora replied. “But you try watching two men kissing and then tell me how much it interests you. It’s similar for me.
“Not to mention the last time I saw this girl was when she was a child all of eight years old or thereabouts. This is all very scarring for me.”
Cora faked a swoon and fell gracefully into one of the chairs on either side of the sofa. How she managed to do that without falling on her back and looking like a fool, Regina didn’t know.
She would have looked like a fool, had she tried a stunt like that. She wished some of Cora’s sophisticated stature would rub off onto her.
“Any particular reason why you’re boring us?” Harrison asked. Regina noted that there was an impatient tone to his voice.
As if to confirm this, Harrison slid an arm around Regina’s waist. We would like you to please go away, now, his body language screamed.
Regina put a hand on his chest to soothe him. There was no reason for him to let himself get all worked up. She didn’t mind Cora being there. Even if it did mean an end to the lovely passionate kisses he was scattering all over her.
She wondered what would happen if he would kiss her lower, on her breasts, even. Or her stomach.
All right, so maybe she could understand why Harrison didn’t want Cora in the room.
“I thought that you were supposed to be educating her about playing cards,” Cora replied in a drawl. “I see that you’re busy educating her on other things.”
“Yes, and you’ve made your opinions on that quite clear,” Harrison muttered.
Regina recalled the argument from the other night and dearly hoped there wasn’t about to be a repeat of that.
“She does need to learn how to play cards, though, does she not? You seem rather determined to teach her, at any rate. I see you have them all laid out.”
“Yes, she’s expressed an interest in them. Seeing as how I earned my fortune back with them and all.”
Cora arched an eyebrow at that. “Yes. That you did. It’s healthy for a young woman to take an interest in the life of her partner, I suppose.”
“Right. Yes.” Harrison rolled his eyes. “Now if you could let us get back to it…”
“If that’s how you teach cards, my dear, you haven’t been doing it properly. It’s a wonder you beat everyone else after all.” Cora smiled, then winked at Regina.
Regina found herself blushing and had to duck her head a little.
“But anyway I thought that since I was dreadfully bored, you might want to have me be an opponent for Miss Regina here. You can instruct her and I can be a sort of… practice player, as it were. You can’t possibly be both an instructor and an opponent all at once, can you?”
“No,” Harrison admitted. His body loosened up somewhat. Regina relaxed in turn, glad she wouldn’t have to avert an argument.
Or physically plant herself in between them. That seemed like it might be a possibility if the two really started to go at it.
The respect and affection between Cora and Harrison ran deep. It must, for the way they spoke to each other, so frankly and with such fond teasing.
But Regina could tell that these were also two very strong-willed people. They could clash easily, she knew, and violently. She didn’t fancy getting in the middle of that.
“Then why don’t you let me help?” Cora asked. She gestured at the cards. “You know I’m quite a good player. Even if I’m not up to your exacting standards. I could handle any number of the men you play with on a regular basis.”
“Then why don’t you play?” Regina asked.
“I’m a woman,” Cora replied. “I can’t easily get away with doing that all the time, now can I? My reputation is in treacherous waters as it is.”
“Oh, right, of course,” Regina stumbled. She felt wrong-footed and as though she had said the wrong thing once again.
Cora made a clucking noise with her tongue. “Does she always retreat like that?” She asked. She was looking at Regina but directing the question to Harrison.
“Unfortunately,” Harrison said. He gave Regina a kiss on the top of her head. “I’m doing my best to beat it out of her, I assure you.”
“More like kiss it out of her,” Cora muttered.
Regina felt her entire face heat up in embarrassment. “Perhaps we should play cards now?” She asked.
Harrison laughed fondly. “See, now, we’ve embarrassed her. Poor little Puck. However shall you survive suffering the indignities your Oberon must throw at you?”
“I think I can manage them quite well if you insist on being ridiculous yourself right afterwards,” Regina replied.
Cora laughed so hard it almost sounded like a witch’s cackle. “Oh, dear, I do like her. Well chosen, Harrison, you’ve finally found a woman who isn’t going to go all starry-eyed over you.”
“Women go starry-eyed over him?” Regina couldn’t quite believe it.
Well, that is, she could. She could easily believe it. Harrison was handsome. That otherworldliness that made her compare him to a fairy king could easily be a daring, adventurous lure for young women.
It had drawn her in, after all. Regina was many things but she wouldn’t go so far as to label herself a hypocrite.
Yet from the way Miss Charlotte had spoken about him, Regina had thought that most women would want to stay away. Bridget had turned him down, after all.
A man with a mysterious past who took pains to keep it mysterious didn’t seem like the sort of man that women would want to marry. Or should want to marry, she should say.
Women should be looking for husbands who were dependable. Husbands who had families that were well known and respected. Families that you could look back on and trace the geneaology. You wanted to be able to say, oh, Mr. Lane of the Hertfordshire Lanes? Yes, I knew his cousin, lovely young woman, she married a man of five thousand a year if you can believe it…
You wanted safety and security in a marriage. That was what marriage was for, at least for a wom
an. Bridget had always taught her that. Society had always taught her that.
What good was a husband if you didn’t know how much he made a year? Or his family history? Or where his money came from? Or who his friends were?
But perhaps Harrison’s charms had been enough to win women over despite all of that. They’d won her over, after all.
Although those were for entirely different reasons. She wasn’t in love with him or anything. He was merely someone that she could… use, so to speak.
If she wanted to use the cruel language that she had used earlier, out loud to him.
But in any case, she wasn’t in love with him. This was simply an arrangement through which she could learn how to properly play cards. He was getting something out of this too. She couldn’t allow his strange confidence in her to blind her to the truth. He may have regard for her, but his love was for Bridget.
“Spoken with such a tone of surprise,” Harrison said. He put his hand over hers. That was the moment that Regina realized that her hand was still on his chest. She hadn’t even realized.
“Miss Regina sounds rather too smart to go starry-eyed over anyone,” Cora noted wrily. “But yes, my dear, you would be surprised how many people he’s capable of charming if he wants to.”
“Prostitutes don’t count, they’re paid to be charmed,” Regina blurted out.
She never would have dared say such a thing normally and she was a bit appalled at herself. But how could she resist when everyone else last night had been making jokes in a similar vein?
She would have to school her tongue with extra rigor when she went back to her normal life. At this rate she’d be making remarks that offended everyone in the entire upper society.
Harrison laughed. “That wounds me deeply,” he said.
“No, although I’m sure he’s had his brush with those. Most men do. It’s a part of their ‘education’,” Cora replied. “I mean the women he would run into while he was playing cards and rebuilding himself.”
“I was never serious in my intentions,” Harrison protested. “They had to have known that. A harmless flirt, that’s all I intended to be.”
