by Abby Ayles
Now that she was starting to understand, denying that she felt that way at all felt like the only thing that could save her.
She didn’t want to end up like her father, miserable. She didn’t want to be like Cora, pining for someone even years later. Even Bridget had a childhood sweetheart that she apparently still thought of.
Regina didn’t want to be like them. She was selfish. She wanted a happy ending. She hadn’t contemplated love before, not really. What place did love have in marriage when it came down to it?
Marriage was a business for women. A career. And so that was how she had thought of it.
The idea that it might also include love… well, if it was going to, then it was going to be a happy love. She would not be someone who pined or who went miserable or who signed herself up for loss and despair.
Let others do that. Let Miss Eliza risk her ruin by spending time with a man who was dying. Let Cora refuse to go to the continent for someone who might not even remember her. Let Father sign away his life for a deck of cards because of the loss of Mother.
Regina would not be like them. She would be stoic and pragmatic. So when she began to dwell upon the affection with which Harrison looked at her, she shoved it aside. When he touched her to guide her through the city or to get her attention, she shoved the bubbling warmth in her chest aside.
When it was just the two of them playing cards and it felt like there was no one else in the world that existed…
She shoved that aside as well.
It ate up more of her thoughts than she would have thought that it did, had someone asked her. Denial took quite a lot of discipline.
There was something else that bothered her, though.
Harrison was obviously very protective of her. She had noticed this in public and in private.
At the theatre, if someone jostled her, Harrison would insinuate himself between Regina and the offender. He would all but shove them back and then glare. It was like having a territorial puppy.
When Cora made remarks about what she thought the state of their relationship was, Harrison would respond with a cutting remark of his own and a look that would have melted bone.
But part and parcel with his protectiveness seemed to come a kind of… Regina couldn’t find the right word. It wasn’t condescension. But it was like he looked at her as though she was ten instead of eighteen.
She knew that she wasn’t as old as some. She knew that Harrison had much more wisdom and experience than she did. But eighteen was considered quite a marriageable age. She had been out in society for two years, and she knew of many women her age who had married at sixteen or seventeen. Some of them were already mothers.
And while she might have many doubts about herself, Harrison was constantly reminding her of her intelligence and skills. So if he thought her so intelligent, then why did he insist on sometimes treating her like a child?
Her preoccupation was noticed by Cora at their daily lesson. Regina was starting to realize that there wasn’t much that slipped by Cora.
“Regina,” Cora said, having dropped the ‘Miss’ some time ago when Regina wasn’t paying attention. “Dear, why do I get the distinct impression that you’re not paying the slightest bit of attention to me?”
“I’m sorry,” Regina replied at once, automatically.
Cora sighed. “What did we say about the constant apologizing?”
“Right. No constant apologizing. I know.”
“Good.” Cora smiled at her. “Now, honestly, is learning about the exchange rate that boring for you?”
“No!” Regina said quickly. “I need to know this.”
“Simply because you need to know it does not mean that you enjoy learning it,” Cora replied. “Although why you must learn the exchange rate, I’m sure I don’t know.”
“You know it,” Regina pointed out.
“I am a horrible, unrepentant reprobate who might need to depend upon herself someday,” Cora replied. “You are a lovely young lady with many prospects ahead of you.”
“Not anymore,” Regina replied.
She had not forgotten the original reason that she was here. Time with Harrison and Cora might in a way feel like some kind of extended holiday but it couldn’t hide the truth. Her family was in danger.
Cora grew quiet and serious. “Yes, I know. Have your sisters found husbands yet?”
Regina shook her head. Bridget’s latest letter had detailed the updates. “Bridget told me that Elizabeth is apparently warming to Mr. Denny, or so she tells Bridget. Louisa and Mr. Fairchild are doing their best to work things out but they are still frozen until his aunt passes.”
“And has Natalie selected someone?”
Regina pulled a face. It was something she would never have dared to do in polite society but around Cora such things came slipping out, as they did when she was with Bridget.
“She has managed to narrow it down. I believe Bridget is finding the difficulty is in Natalie’s ability to actually engage a man beyond the first flirtations.”
“Ah, yes, actually discussing matters of substance and finding there is more to a potential marriage than subtle innuendos,” Cora said. She gave a small smile, as though remembering flirtations of her own.
“I worry about her,” Regina confessed. It felt odd, to worry about Natalie. Natalie had any number of suitors. Theroetically she should be fine.
Yet Regina couldn’t quite shake the feeling of concern.
“As you should.” Cora sighed and tossed aside her papers. It seemed she had realized they wouldn’t get any further in her planned lesson that day.
“Natalie—well. Suffice to say, you’re actually in a better position than she is.”
“How do you mean? Everyone loves Natalie. Nobody even thinks about me.”
Around Harrison and Cora, she had become used to speaking her words when she normally would only have thought them. They seemed to appreciate her speaking out.
“We want to know what exactly is going on in that pretty head of yours,” Harrison had told her once.
Cora gave another little sigh. “Well. The thing is, you don’t interact with many people, do you? You keep to yourself.”
“Yes.” Everybody knew that.
“But when you do interact, you make a point to know the person. You listen to them.”
“That is only because I’m scared to talk to them.”
“Perhaps. But it means that you do a great deal of listening, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, I suppose,” Regina admitted.
“And that means you get to know them rather well. People like to have that kind of validation. Especially men. They like it when they find a woman who will properly listen to them.
“I rather suspect that it’s because they spend so much time talking over each other that most of what they want in a spouse is someone who will support them. Someone who they know is on their side and won’t try to one-up them, so to speak.
“But in any case, you’re a good listener. You never try to insult anybody.”
“You cannot be serious. You’ve heard my big mouth.”
“Yes, but you aren’t trying to be rude. People can tell. You go an alarming shade of pink afterwards and they realize straightaway that you didn’t mean it.”
“That doesn’t help me when it comes to society. They’re quite willing to not forgive my faux pas.”
“Yes, but I’m sure a man would be willing to forgive those more easily than Natalie’s flirting,” Cora pointed out. “Anyone who talks about you probably knows that underneath it all, you’re a sweet girl. Not even underneath it all. Just in general.”
Regina felt herself blushing and quickly ducked her head down. “Thank you,” she said.
That was another thing that she was learning how to do: accept compliments. She was still inclined to believe that they weren’t true but Harrison and Cora… all right, Harrison especially, was determined to rid her of the habit.
Cora reached over and gently
took Regina’s chin in her hands, lifting it up. “Now, Natalie, on the other hand, plays with men. She uses them to boost herself up. To make herself feel better.
“Men can sense that. You would be a loving wife. A devoted wife. You would validate them. That’s all that we want. Someone who validates us and sees us for who we truly are. Natalie uses men for herself instead of truly learning about who they are.
“And because of that, no man will truly want to be interested in her. Not until she learns to actually care about them. Only then will they actually care about her.”
Regina thought about that. “When I am playing cards,” she said slowly, “In order to distract people, should I act like Natalie?”
“If you want them to know that you’re only flirting and nothing more, yes,” Cora replied. “Now, was that what was bothering you? Your family? How is Bridget?”
Cora was always especially concerned for Bridget. That made sense to Regina. Bridget had been Cora’s childhood friend, not the others.
“Bridget seems to be holding up well. She has yet to choose a husband herself. I believe she is busy worrying over Natalie’s state.”
Regina failed to add that Bridget wouldn’t get to choose a husband. Her husband had already been chosen for her. Regina wondered if she would ever stop feeling guilty over that.
“Then what troubles you? If it isn’t that?”
Regina sighed. “I fear that shall sound like a child.”
“Nonsense.” Cora let out a huff. “I do not understand why you continue to see yourself as so young. I blame Harrison.”
“He sees me as a child?” Regina asked.
“No, not exactly,” Cora replied. “It is only that he is very protective of you and I think that you want to be taken seriously by him. Is that so?”
Regina nodded. She couldn’t deny it when it was so blatantly the truth.
“Well, when we are with someone with whom we feel a little in awe, and we want to impress them, it’s natural that we should always feel a bit childish. Especially if there is an age gap.”
“I suppose,” Regina replied. This was a nice side turn into the thing that had been preoccupying her. “I am a little in awe of him, I admit. I know that he is eight years older and that he has many experiences that I do not.
“But he also irks me. He treats me as a child at times and it frustrates me. He tells me on the one hand that I am intelligent and capable. Then, with the other hand, he handles me as though I am made of glass.”
Cora gave a soft laugh. “It is because he cares for you.”
“I know that I am as a sister to him—”
Cora had just reached for her cup of tea to take a sip. Right as Regina had said that, Cora had sipped, and upon hearing Regina’s words she choked on her tea.
She coughed and spluttered in a most unladylike manner, before laughing again, harder this time. “You think that he thinks of you as a sister? After all—”
Regina could not take it anymore. “Cora, we are not together in that way. We never have been. We simply went along with the lie to hide the real reason for our acquaintance.”
Cora stared at her. “And what is the real reason?”
Regina partially regretted her hasty words but it was too late to take them back now. She couldn’t think of another lie that would suffice. And she was so tired of Cora’s comments and her thinking that Regina was breaking even more of society’s rules than she already was.
“You know of the unfortunate position that my sisters and I have been put into.”
Cora nodded.
“Well, coming up soon Lord and Lady Morrison are hosting a masquerade ball. They have it every year. People like to take advantage of the crowd and the masks to do things that they otherwise can’t or shouldn’t.”
“Yes,” Cora said, her lips twitching upwards. “I am well aware of the indulgences of the masquerade ball.”
Regina took a deep breath. “Well, there are always card games there. And where there are card games, there is Lord Pettifer. I could not get away with it at any other time, but with my mask… I could play with the men. They do not know who I am. Everyone else is bending the rules.”
“You mean to win your fortune back from him,” Cora breathed out, her voice a mixture of shock and awe.
Regina nodded. “Yes. That is the plan. That is why I took the bold chance and wrote to Lord Harrison.”
“That’s why he’s so obsessed with training you at cards.” Cora made a scathing noise. “I am such a fool. To think that he was only training you for his own amusement. I should have known that there was a larger game afoot.”
“We took care that nobody should know,” Regina replied. “You are the only person who knows the truth now. Aside from Harrison and myself, of course.”
“And you were willing to let all of us think you a fallen woman rather than reveal the truth to us?” Cora seemed aghast.
“What else was I to do?” Regina replied. “If you and the others knew, then you might somehow let it slip to someone else. Then that someone else would let it slip, and so on. I could not dare risk Lord Pettifer finding out the truth.”
“You risked everything of yourself, did you know that, Regina?” Cora said. “You could—if one of us had slipped up or someone else—there are so many ways that this could have gotten out. I mean, the wrong truth, the lie, could have gotten out.”
“But that would have only ruined me!” Regina protested. “Don’t you see? I would have been ruined. Me. Only me. If the truth of what I was doing got out, then Lord Pettifer would never play me. I would have no chance to save my family.”
“You would risk yourself so that your family might have a chance. And you might not even win the card game.”
“All my life I have done nothing. I have had no convictions. Finally I have something over which I feel strongly. Something that I know I can do. Something that makes me honestly want to get up in the mornings.”
“It is something that you would destroy yourself over.”
“And why do you not go to the continent?” Regina replied.
It was a bit of a low blow. Cora went pale.
Regina plowed onward.
“You could go to France. You would be quite welcome there. But you do not. You risk yourself as well, Cora. We all are willing to do stupid things for love.
“Perhaps my love is for my family and not for a lover. That I will allow. But does that make it any less strong or any less significant? Does that make it, in some way, less than? I do not think so.”
“Miss Regina,” Cora said slowly, “You have more of a backbone than most of the men that I know.”
Regina blushed, curling into herself a little and looking away from Cora. She suddenly felt incredibly embarrassed by her outburst. This was why she was not fit for polite society.
“I apologize. My behavior just now was… rather uncalled for. I am sorry if I have offended you.”
“Do not apologize,” Cora said. Her voice was soft and understanding. “I am rather in awe of you and your choices. I do not know a half a dozen people who could be so brave as all that.”
“It feels more foolhardy than brave,” Regina admitted.
“Often times, I have found, they are the same thing.” Cora smiled gently. “I don’t blame you.”
Then she straightened and stood up. “Harrison, however, is about to get an earful.”
“What?” Regina sat up. “Oh, no, Cora, don’t—”
It was too late. Cora was sweeping out the door and yelling for Harrison. Her tone clearly stated that he might not survive their encounter.
Regina, once again, wondered if the floor could just swallow her up.
Chapter 26
Regina sat by herself for some time after that, convinced that she was going to get up any minute and leave the house.
Yes. That was what she was going to do. It was the only proper course of action. Leave the house, and never come back. It was the only way to get over such embar
rassment.
If only she could remind her body how to properly move.
After a time, wherein she found that she had apparently become a statue, Cora returned.
“Well,” she said. “Harrison is ready to apologize to you.”
“What on earth does he have to apologize to me for?” Regina asked.
Cora sighed. “He should have known that we would make the assumptions that we did about your relationship. He is the older adult here. And the man. It was his responsilbity—”
She cut herself off with a scathing noise. “Obviously his affection for you clouds his judgment. Now, off with you.”
Cora waved Regina towards the library. Regina felt rather as though she was being used like a tennis ball, lobbied back and forth between Harrison and Cora. It reminded her a bit of how Natalie and Elizabeth could be.
But she rose anyway and went into the library.
Harrison was sitting and idly shuffling cards. He looked up as she entered and gave her a wry smile. “I’ve been told I am to apologize to you.”
“Yes, I was told rather the same thing.”
Harrison sighed and stood up. He motioned for Regina to sit down. “I do apologize. I was thinking only of covering up the truth. I forgot how deadly the lie could be.”
“I should think the truth even more deadly.”
“The truth is that you are a well-intentioned girl who is doing something very brave and very daring to save her family. The lie is that you are a reckless girl who is pursuing her own pleasure despite it leading to her ruin.” Lord Harrison set the cards aside. “I think you underestimate the cruelty of society.”
“I told Cora this, and I am telling you now, I do not care what society thinks of me. It already scorns me. Right now my entire family is under a cloud. I considered it an improvement if only I was under one.”
“That is a fair assessment,” Harrison replied. “I commend you for your self-sacrificing nature. But the fact remains that I should have planned for this. I should have spoken to my friends and made up a better cover for us.
“And I should not have allowed the misinterpretation of our relationship to continue for so long. Even if it was only Cora who was here to think so.”
