by Michael Dahl
Did you hear about the young girl who plans to be an astronaut?
Her teacher says she’s taking up space!
Did you hear about the Martian who flew to Earth to buy a brand new car for his family? He told the car salesman, “I want the body green, the wheels green, the interior green, and the windows tinted green.” The salesman said, “No problem.” After the Martian ordered his new car, he made an interplanetary long-distance call to his wife to tell her the good news. “That’s terrific, honey,” said his wife. “But what color is it?” “Flesh tones,” said the Martian.
What’s the only Irish constellation?
Orion.
“Sir, do you believe in UFOs?”
“No comet.”
Two Venusians landed in front of a busy stoplight.
The first one said, “She’s cute. I saw her first.”
The second one said, “Yeah, but I’m the one she winked at.”
What do astronauts take for a headache?
Space capsules.
“I just got back from the Dog Star.”
“Sirius?”
If astronauts are so smart, why do they count backwards?
Scientist: Your mission is to land on the Sun.
Astronaut: Are you nuts? I’ll burn up!
Scientist: That’s why you’re going at night.
Two Martians landed their spacecraft in a quiet stretch of countryside.
“I think this must be a human cemetery,” said the first Martian. “See that marker over there? It’s a gravestone. And it gives the human’s age, too—one hundred and two.”
“What was his name?” asked the second Martian.
“Miles to Milwaukee.”
Professor Fruitcake
Did you hear about the mad scientist who married the Amish woman?
He drove her buggy.
Did you hear about the mad scientist who worked for the woman peanut farmer?
He made her nuts.
Did you hear about the mad scientist who trained the Olympic diver?
He sent him off the deep end.
Hinky-Pinkys
What’s a phony serpent?
A fake snake.
What do you call a chubby dog?
A round hound.
What’s a big dance in a cemetery?
A grave rave.
What’s a purple gorilla?
A grape ape.
What do phantoms eat for breakfast?
Ghost toast.
What’s a frightening pet bird?
A scary canary.
Did you hear about the mad scientist who worked with the bungee jumper?
He pushed him over the edge.
Did you hear about the poor little baby who stayed with the mad scientist?
It went ga-ga.
Did you hear about the rocket experts who hired the mad scientist?
They went ballistic.
What’s a glove for a small cat?
A kitten mitten.
What’s a happy-go-lucky Thanksgiving bird?
A perky turkey.
What do you call a frog whose car broke down?
A towed toad.
Hink Pink Kriss Kross
The answers to these Hink Pinks are two rhyming words of one syllable each. Fill each answer into the numbered Kriss Kross grid. Surprise—you’ve got one done!
ACROSS
3 happy boy
4 a fruity drink at noon
6 a cooking vessel that’s not cool
8 a counterfeit reptile
10 a musical piece that’s not short
11 home of a small rodent
12 large amount of fake hair
13 enjoyable joke that makes you groan
DOWN
1 a sick dollar
2 football players yelling together
3 great group of marching musicians
5 a chilly place to swim
7 skinny female monarch
9 large branch
Who works at a school for monsters?
A creature teacher.
What do you call a tired tent?
A sleepy teepee.
Who’s the spooky leader of a church?
A sinister minister.
What’s do you call a magician who works with reptiles?
A lizard wizard.
What’s a fish who works in the operating room?
A sturgeon surgeon.
What do you call your crazy best friend?
A nutty buddy.
What do you call your pet pooch that got caught in the rain?
A soggy doggy.
What do you call a parent with six crying babies?
A diaper wiper!
What do you call Her Royal Highness’s denim pants?
The Queen’s jeans.
What do you call that dumb little guy who flies around and shoots arrows on Valentine’s Day? Stupid Cupid.
What’s reddish yellow and helps a door swing back and forth?
An orange door hinge.
Ring the Doorbell! (Knock Knock Jokes)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah a doctor in the house?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!
Knock knock.
Who’s there? Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie bit me again!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy you want to go to the movies?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Juicy.
Juicy who?
Juicy who threw that snowball at me?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy! It’s Halloween!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Sharon.
Sharon who?
Sharon share alike.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Wilfred.
Wilfred who?
Will Fred come out and play today?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any cookies left?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Iris.
Iris who?
I received a package in the mail.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hugh.
Hugh who?
Yoo-hoo to you, too!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita good book lately?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
William.
William who?
William make me dinner if I stop knocking?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ira.
Ira who?
Ira member you, why don’t you remember me?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Upton.
Upton who?
Upton now it’s been pretty quiet around here.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, do you love me?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
LaToya.
LaToya who?
LaToya store’s open, let’s go shopping!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hutch.
Hutch who?
Gesundheit!
Kn
ock knock.
Who’s there?
Dude.
Dude who?
Dude-doo is all over my front yard. Will you please watch your puppy!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Champ.
Champ who?
Champoo the dog, he’s got fleas!
Jokin’ Around
Three Blind Mice
Look at the dice below:
Challenge your friends to take three dice, place one on a table or napkin, and balance the other two on top, side by side. First, show them how it’s done. Your friends will not be able to reproduce the trick! No matter how hard they try, their top two dice will always fall off the bottom one.
How did you do it?
Spit. (No, not now!) That’s the secret of the trick: spit. During the setup of the trick, while no one is paying attention to your hands, lick one of your fingertips. Then touch one of the die faces. A tiny amount of saliva will hold the two dice together, especially if you hold the dice tightly together for a second or two.
Tip: It’s important to place the top two dice with the 2 and the 4 showing (as in the illustration). Why? Because then the facing sides become the 1s on each die. The faces with 1s provide more surface area to hold your secret saliva.
When you hand the dice to your opponent, wipe off the tell-tale “glue” without drawing attention. Use your hands to rub off the spit or push the dice across the tablecloth or napkin.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I stopped saying banana?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Edith.
Edith who?
Edith thick joothy hamburger for thupper.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re very welcome.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Toodle.
Toodle who?
Ta-ta!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hope.
Hope who?
Hopen the door and let me in!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Donnelly.
Donnelly who?
Donnelly’ve me out here in the dark!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Chester.
Chester who?
Chester little kid.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Aubrey.
Aubrey who?
Aubrey quiet!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Skid.
Skid who?
Forget it! I’m staying right here.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Juan.
Juan who?
Juan to buy some candy for the school band?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theophilus.
Theophilus who?
The awfullest storm I’ve ever seen out here!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ash.
Ash who?
Ash sure could use some help out in the garden.
Picto-Laugh #2
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about something slow on something fast!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alex some more soda pop, please.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Pete.
Pete who?
Pizza’s here!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Giovanni.
Giovanni who?
Giovanni extra topping on that?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda be a millionaire?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
I didn’t know you were a cowboy.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Matthew.
Matthew who.
Matthew a thilly queth-tion?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I just keep knocking?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to step outside?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Howie.
Howie who?
I’m fine, thanks, how are you?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan idea you know who this is.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Tasha.
Tasha who?
Tasha soccer ball out and let’s play!
Jurassic Pork
Why are the dinosaurs extinct?
They smelled so bad.
What do you say when you want your dinosaur to move faster?
“Pronto, saurus!”
Why don’t you ever let a tyrannosaur drive your car?
Because a tyrannosaurus rex.
Why are meteors better than toilet paper?
Because one meteor was able to wipe out all the dinosaurs in the world.
Why did the caveman always show up at the party first?
He was Early Man.
What do you call the first man who discovered fire?
Toast.
What did the cavewoman say when she found bugs crawling under a rock?
“Dinner’s ready!”
What do you call the remains of a woolly mammoth?
A fuzzle.
What do you call a dinosaur stuck in a glacier?
A fossicle.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Iguanodon.
Iguanodon who?
Iguanodon town to see the dinosaur exhibit.
Then there was the caveboy who invented the wheel. He told his buddies to keep it a secret.
“Don’t tell my dad,” he said. “Or he’ll make me invent the garage.”
What do pterodactyls have that no other creature has?
Little pterodactyls.
What toys did cavekids play with?
Tricera-tops.
A full grown stegosaurus can grow up to how many feet?
Just the four.
The world’s first glacier was spotted by a caveman with good ice sight.
Cavepeople invented the world’s first music by rolling boulders down a hill. They called it rock-and-roll.
Teacher: Why were there no humans alive during the dinosaur age?
Alex: Because it was Pre-Stork times.
Jokin’ Around
Double or Nothing
Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money
without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer. Then ask them for a dollar bill.
Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”
Did you hear about the cavewoman who found a saber-toothed tiger trapped in a block of ice? She quickly built a fire and melted the ice, releasing the dangerous creature. After the tiger carried off her husband, her neighbors asked her why she had done it. “I made a terrible mistake,” she said. “I thought I thawed a pussycat!”
Gross!
A man is racing to the bathroom, a second man is leaving it, and a third man is still inside. Can you guess their nationalities?
Russian, Finnish, and European.
What did Mother say to Father when their baby boy fell down the stairs?
“Oh, look, honey! Our little boy is taking his first twenty-three steps!”
Mother: Why did you put a frog in your sister’s bed?
Jimmy: I couldn’t find a snake.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
“Waiter! There’s a cockroach in my salad!”
“Please don’t shout, sir. Or else the other customers will be asking for one, too!”
Teacher: Oh dear! I’ve lost another pupil.
Principal: How did that happen?
Teacher: My glass eye flew out the window while I was driving.
Did you hear about the poor girl who swallowed the thermometer?
She’s dying by degrees.
What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant’s burp?
One is a bar room, and the other is a
bar-OOOOM!
Do you remember when you lost your baby teeth?
Yeah, and was I surprised my dad could hit a baseball that hard!
“A train smashed into my bicycle, and I didn’t even get hurt.”
“Why not?”
“My brother Dave was riding it.”
How do you keep a rooster from crowing on Sunday morning?
Make rooster stew Saturday night.
Why doesn’t your sister like eating dill pickles?
She keeps getting her head stuck in the jar.
“That bully down the street just broke my finger!”
“Gosh, how did he do that?”
“He hit me in the nose.”
Did you hear about the new principal who’s been keeping the boys on their toes?
He raised all the urinals six inches.
How’s Business?
