Billy inhaled slowly, considering James’ assessment of the situation. He wasn’t wrong. Even if he told Alice the truth now, she would never forgive him. He would be walking away from the condo development without the girl, and a huge fiscal loss as well. He would return to the vapid life he had built for himself. His feelings would never be reciprocated and everything would lead back to that one simple truth. No woman could ever love him.
“So, are we good?” James asked cautiously, after a lengthy silence.
Billy paused for another moment, before he finally responded.
“Yes, we’re good. I’ll send you a report in a few days,” he offered flatly, hanging up the phone.
How the fuck did things spiral so far out of his control? William turned out the light and lay back on the bed, discontent and frustrated, considering every option, fighting like hell to extract all emotion from the equation.
Chapter 17
Alice
Alice was still on cloud nine the next morning. She had finally set aside all her fears to let Billy in and he didn’t disappoint. Their lovemaking had been intense and passionate, but more importantly, they connected on a deeply emotional level. She opened up to him, and he finally did the same. It wasn’t easy for him, but he shared his story and told her about his family. And seeing him so honest and trusting made her like him even more. She couldn’t stop smiling, and didn’t even mind when Lisa teased her about Billy earlier that morning.
Lisa had taken Amy into town for a play date. Her little one was very excited to go as she hadn’t seen her friend for more than two months. After Alice finished with her chores in the barn, she enjoyed a quick ride with Sadie. The weather was overcast, but the rain was holding off. She was grateful for that. Any delays on the construction site would slow down progress, and they couldn’t afford to push things back.
Alice was on the phone in her office, pacing behind her desk when Joe poked his head in. He wrapped his knuckles on the door frame to get her attention. She waved him in and gestured for him to sit down, then went back to her call. He took his hat off and set it down on the desk but chose not to sit down.
“Yes, yes, Andy. We are calling it the Oceanside Equine Arena. We should be completely up and running in four weeks or so. The facility? It’s a two hundred by eighty foot climate controlled indoor riding arena, with a fresh air exchange system providing clean air to both the arena and stables. It’s also humidity-controlled, keeping the arena comfortable no matter what time of the year people choose to ride,” Alice explained, her enthusiasm evident in her tone.
“The automatic sprinkler system will allow us to control the dust, and to reach the desired depths required for each individual event. It has a sound system too, available throughout the entire arena. Yes, it will be fantastic. We have already had enquiries from several organizations wanting to host their events here. Yes, of course we will be offering lessons as well. Western, dressage, jumping and various clinics too.
We will be breaking ground on the outdoor arena in the spring. That is phase two. I’ll be hiring in the very near future so if you know any good people, have them get in touch with me,” she suggested.
Alice wrapped up her conversation, promising to invite Andy to the open house once a date had been firmed up. She placed her cell phone on the desk in front of her and looked at Joe, offering him a warm smile.
“Looks like the arena is creating quite a buzz,” Joe said, opening the conversation.
Alice raised her brows and nodded.
“Hell yeah! Word is traveling faster than wild fire. I already have people calling me with inquiries about events, and lessons, and training facilities. I haven’t even updated the website yet! That reminds me, I need to work on that this week.” she said, her mind buzzing with ideas.
“Sounds like we are going to be busy,” Joe observed quietly.
“It sure looks that way, and I gotta say, I’m feeling so relieved. I had a fella call me earlier today looking for a training facility for his daughter. She’s training for the Olympics! How cool is that?” she said, her eyes wide with excitement.
“That is pretty cool,” Joe agreed. “Alice, I actually came in to talk to you about something personal. Is this a good time?” he asked, nervously.
Alice met his gaze, suddenly worried about what he might need to say to her. He never talked to her about anything personal. Was he planning on leaving her? Alice walked around to the front of her desk so she could stand closer to him. She leaned her bum against the edge, placing her hands on either side of her.
“What is it Joe? Is everything alright?” she asked warmly, her expression a worried one.
Joe nodded and cleared his throat. He looked anxious, Alice thought.
“I’m alright. I have just been doing a lot of thinking. Do you recall the conversation we had a few weeks ago? We were talking about my role around here and about you being careful with Billy?” he began.
Alice nodded. She did remember the conversation quite well. She had even pulled away from Billy for a while because of what Joe had said to her about keeping her head in the game.
“I wasn’t being completely upfront with you,” he continued, his words trailing off.
Alice knit her brows together, looking at him curiously. She wondered which part he was referring to.
“Go on, Joe. I’m listening,” she encouraged kindly, reaching out to touch him lightly on his elbow.
Joe looked down at her hand then back up at her face. He looked agitated. Alice was now completely convinced he was giving his notice or something equally dreadful.
“When I was asking you about my place here, where I fit in, I guess I was searching for some answers. I know you told me I was like family, but that was before you knew everything. I was holding back with you, Alice, because I was afraid,” he uttered, his voice so tight she could barely make out what he was saying.
Alice quickly tried to process his words to understand where he might be leading her, to what he was alluding to, and she didn’t like where she thought it was all going. She put her head down, afraid to look at him, and inhaled slowly.
“The thing is ,Alice, I love you. I guess it has always been that way,” Joe confessed.
His words caused her heart to skip a beat, but not in the way he might have hoped. Alice’s head started to spin as she considered the gravity of his words.
“I know I should have made my feelings clear to you sooner, maybe even years ago, but you know I have always been pretty timid. I guess I just took for granted that we would eventually end up together. It has always been you and me, working side by side, taking care of business. You can’t deny what a great team we are. You make me happy, Alice. Part of me figured that sooner or later you would just figure out how much I loved you, and when you did, you would take the lead,” he said, nervously shifting from one foot to another.
Alice gently shook her head, still not sure what to say to him. He continued.
“I guess I just wanted you to know. With all these changes going on, and you focusing on expanding the business and all. Maybe I was afraid of getting left behind. I thought it was probably time to step up and let you know how much I love you. I want to be your husband, Alice. I want to be Amy’s daddy. I always have.”
Alice swallowed hard, his proposal making her gut ache as though he had just delivered a sucker punch right to her abdomen. Joe reached his hand out and lifted her chin with his fingers. Her eyes were filled with tears, but not for the reason he thought. Her heart was filled with sadness, and deep regret.
She didn’t love him, at least not like that. She considered him family and couldn’t imagine him not being a part of her life, but he really was like a brother to her. How did he get that so wrong? She racked her brain trying to figure out any time when she might have mislead him, or given him mixed signals? Hell, she couldn’t even recall a time when he offered her any indication that he felt this way. At least not until Billy had arrived.
Alice tr
ied to put her head back down, uncertain what to say to him, but Joe lifted her chin again, and looked deep into her eyes. She quickly closed them, afraid he would see the truth before she had a chance to voice it.
Suddenly, she felt his mouth on hers, the scent of stale tobacco on his lips, alerting her senses. Shock rippled through her body, and she quickly opened her eyes, as if in total disbelief. She lifted her hands and placed them on his chest to gently ease him away from her. He must have misread her gesture as approval because he placed his hands on the small of her back and passionately pulled her tighter, his mouth crushing hers.
This couldn’t be happening, Alice thought incredulously. She pushed him away again, this time more forcefully. Joe took a step back and saw her expression, dropping his hands quickly. He looked confused. Alice felt sick to her stomach, mostly because she had to break his heart. This day had taken a strange turn.
“Joe, stop,” she said, raising her hands in front of her.
He took another step back and gaped at her painfully. Alice avoided the urge to wipe her mouth.
“I’m so confused right now,” she whispered, not certain where to begin.
Joe put his head down and stared at his boots.
“You can’t tell me you didn’t know how I felt, Alice. All these years we have been together, me staying on through thick and thin. Taking care of you? What did you think that all meant?” he asked, his words tight in his throat.
Alice shook her head. She didn’t know. She had no idea he felt that way about her. He had always been so cool with her, kept his feelings to himself. Apparently well hidden, she thought grimly. He looked back up at her and she met his stare blankly, afraid to say anything.
“I’ve always been in love with you, even when you were engaged to that asshole Jerry. When you cancelled the wedding, I thought for sure that destiny had something in store for you and me. I was secretly thrilled, but of course, I couldn’t say anything cause you were crushed. Soon after you announced you were pregnant with little Amy. I thought if I confessed my feelings for you then, you would think I was just trying to be honorable, that I really didn’t love ya.”
He paused for a minute, trying to gather his thoughts. Alice waited quietly for him, feeling disheartened and humbled.
“I was gonna wait a bit for you to get used to being a mother and then I was gonna talk to you about my feelings. I even talked to your dad about it,” he confessed, his voice soft with his memories.
Alice inhaled sharply at the mention of her dad. He had never said a word to her about Joe. Was that because he didn’t approve of the match? Why else wouldn’t he mention it?
“When I got the courage to finally talk to you about it again, I was gonna wait for Valentine’s day and surprise you with flowers and chocolates. Remember you had invited me to come by the house after dinner that night your parents were away in Sacramento? We were going to watch a DVD after I had finished up with the nightly chores?” he reminded her hopefully. “You told me no one should be alone on Valentine’s Day, remember?”
Alice shook her head again, trying to pull up the memories from four years earlier. She may have asked him to come for supper, but the only thing that kept flashing in her mind was that damn phone call from the hospital.
“Then the accident happened and everything changed, except my feelings for you. The truth is, Alice, I just didn’t have the courage to talk to you about it. Your life was so uncertain, and you were grieving so much,” he admitted.
He reached out to take her hand, and she hesitated, not wanting to send him mixed signals. Finally, she took his hand in both of hers, hoping that it would soften the blow for what she was about to tell him. She smiled at him gently, her eyes revealing how conflicted she felt.
“Joe, I just don’t know what to say,” she began.
He quickly cut her off.
“Tell me you love me back, Alice. Say you will marry me.” he said, his words teetering between hope and desperation.
Alice looked away, knowing that she couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. She could feel her tears welling up again and then trickling down her cheeks. Joe smiled nervously, uncertain how to comfort her.
“Joe, you’ve always been such a good friend to me. We have always been able to count on you and I admire you. I would never have been able to carry on at the ranch without you, but…”
She hesitated for a moment, trying to soften her words.
Joe looked away, afraid of her next sentence. Alice sighed deeply.
“But I can’t marry you. I don’t love you the same way you love me. You mean so much to me, please, don’t think you don’t,” she offered as kindly as she could.
Joe nodded and peeled his hand away from hers, his expression suddenly blank. She had hurt him deeply, despite trying so hard not to. He reached around her and picked up his hat, placing it back on his head.
“Well then, I guess there’s nothing left to say,” he offered curtly, his eyes devoid of emotion.
Alice reached out for him, her hand brushing his arm. He pulled away as though she had wounded him.
“I’m fine, Alice. I’m going back to work,” he said without affection.
“Joe, please, I’m so sorry,” she pleaded, wishing he had never admitted his feelings for her.
Now everything was going to change. How could it not?
“I know, Alice, it’s ok. You can’t force your feelings,” he said sadly, not meeting her eyes.
“Where do we go from here? What happens now, Joe?” she asked, genuinely concerned.
“Well, I reckon we just go forward, Alice,” he offered weakly. “Nothing has to change, for now, but I want you to think about it. Let the idea sit with you. I feel like if we just had time, your feelings for me would grow.”
Alice nodded and forced herself to smile, certain that they wouldn’t. She didn’t think that sharing it with him would make any difference.
“Ok,” was all she managed to squeak out.
She had a very uneasy feeling about all of it, but didn’t have the head space to deal with it. She wanted him to go away so she could process everything and get her bearings straight. She had mixed feelings. Part of her was afraid he would leave forever, unable to cope with her rejection, and another part of her wasn’t sure that things would ever be the same between them and that she would forever be walking on eggshells around him. How could she pursue a love of her own knowing how he felt about her?
Joe nodded at her and walked away, leaving her alone with her uneasiness.
* * *
The rest of the day went slowly for Alice. She plugged away at her duties, but she couldn’t get her mind off her dilemma. She hadn’t seen Billy all day, but she was grateful for the time to herself to think about everything.
Joe’s confession and proposal had shaken her to her core. While their relationship had developed over the years, it had never been romantic. There was a time when they were both younger when she had been attracted to him, but she was just a naive teenager, with unrealistic romantic notions, and there were a handful of guys she had doe eyes for. She had never admitted to anyone at the time that she had a crush on him, and certainly never gave him any indication of it. Did she?
Once she started dating Jerry, she only had eyes for him, and all her crushes faded away. She and Joe were nothing more than friends, and rarely communicated about anything unrelated to the ranch, enjoying only the occasional family supper together.
After she and Jerry had separated, she did have a rough time. She felt so unlovable. She spent most of her time avoiding anyone that wasn’t family, especially throughout her pregnancy. Joe had really been the only person she didn’t mind spending time with, because he didn’t treat her with pity. He treated her the same as he always had, like a brother, kind, non-judgmental and indifferent.
There was only one time that he even mentioned her situation, and all he had said to her was that she had made the right choice and that life had a way of straightening
things out, given a little time. Maybe he was hinting at his feelings for her in some way? She couldn’t be certain, and definitely didn’t connect those dots at the time.
After Amy was born, she spent that first year absorbed in motherhood, falling madly in love with her child. Any free time she had was working with her father, learning the ropes and developing the plans for expanding the ranch. She didn’t see much of Joe at all during that time, and certainly not socially. Sure, he was around, but they didn’t spend time alone together. He was busy managing the help and being her father’s right-hand man. She couldn’t recall a damn thing that indicated he was soft on her, and yet he said he had spoken to her father about it.
In spite of the time she spent searching her memory bank, Alice was still confused. Even over the past four years, when she and Joe worked side by side daily, he hadn’t shared his true feelings. He had many opportunities to open up to her and yet, he never had. True, they were a good team, and on the same page when it came to managing the ranch. People would tease them and say they were like an old married couple because of the way they supported one another, but they just laughed it off.
Well, at least she did. Come to think of it, Joe never really did show much humor about that.
She thought about what he had said, and even pondered his proposal, imagining him as her husband. On paper, they were a good match, especially when it came to work ethic, but in reality, they were like night and day. Alice wanted passion in her life. She was drawn to playfulness, confidence, good humor, and raw sexual energy. All the things that Billy had in spades, and Joe didn’t.
Yes, Joe was a good man and had he a quiet confidence about him. On occasion, he would offer a funny or sarcastic observation, but he was stoic. And sexual energy? As far as she knew, Joe was reserved. From her limited knowledge, he had only dated a handful of times in the eighteen years she had known him, and that was predominantly in his early twenties. He certainly didn’t emit any sexual energy, but in all fairness, she hadn’t paid much attention.
Room Service Page 75
