“Well I hope to fuck you do! In fact I want you to know that not only am I going to beat him to death with her dildo…after he’s dead I’m going to dig a hole in the ground, slide him in, dump my exes collection of Julia Roberts movies in there with him, and then light that son of a bitch on fire. That way when it’s over I’ll have gotten rid of two things I never wanted.”
“Sir…I’m afraid that I’m going to have to report you to the Secret Service.” Allen never lost his enthusiasm.
“Wonderful, and while you’re at it tell that hot piece of ass the President’s married to that my dick tastes like pink lemonade, and I’m giving out free samples anytime she wants some.” Bobby repeated the address of the police station into the phone three times before screaming, “Now I gotta go beat off on the neighbors Chevy Spark. It’s tiny, but kind of sexy”
Bobby hung up the phone and handed it to Colton, then proceeded to drive calmly down the road. Colton just stared at his friend with his jaw hanging open. Eventually he snapped out of it and said, “You do crazy way too well.”
“My ex-wife gave me a lot of practice.” Bobby laughed.
“You know the Secret Service is going to investigate you.”
“Great, and that should get them down to the police station. I’m pretty sure if they run head long into Crazytown then we’ll have the National Guard or something down here to help out.”
Colton shook his head, “It’s a crazy plan, but it’s better than anything I had. Still…aren’t you worried about what might happen if they don’t find anything? I mean what happens if they get here, and all the zombies are gone, or what happens if they are normal? I mean either way, you’re going to get Big Brother eyeing you pretty closely.”
“Yeah…what are they going to do? I own my own business. I pay my taxes. It’s not like they have anything they could use against me, and this is America. I have a constitutional right to act like a complete asshole. So they can just suck it as far as I’m concerned.”
“Don’t you think the comment about the president’s wife was a little much?”
“Hell no. Have you seen her? I wouldn’t mind having to check that woman out for fleas if you catch my drift.” Bobby chuckled, “Besides, if it comes up I’ll just whip it out and tell them it can’t possibly be me because my dick tastes like chocolate chip cookie dough.”
Colton laughed, “Jesus! Man you are just all kinds of wrong…you know that right?”
“Yep, that’s why you hang out with me. I keep you entertained.”
“Maybe, now let me call for mutual aid. There’s got to be a few departments that can spare the manpower.” Colton said. He started dialing, but each time he called the local department wouldn’t agree to assisting him. Either they told him they already had all their manpower assisting New Orleans for Mardis Gras, or they avoided answering him altogether. A few of them even started trying to find out where he was without telling him why. After the fifteenth department either refused directly, or just avoided answering altogether, Colton hung up, “I don’t get it. It’s like they don’t believe me.”
“I was there, and I wouldn’t believe me.” Bobby said.
“I’ll try Lisa. She should be home by now. Maybe she can tell me what’s going on.” Colton squeezed the button to talk over the radio, “Eagle one to Dispatch?”
“Dispatch to Eagle one…go ahead.” Lisa’s voice was calm as ever. The only hint anything was amiss were the screams in the background. It sounded like a man in severe pain. Colton and Bobby looked at each other nervously before Bobby turned his attention back to the road.
“Dispatch…is everything okay?” Colton asked. He couldn’t even hide the fear in his voice.
“Ten-four. Dispatch to Eagle one. Can you meet back at the station?” Lisa’s voice was calm.
Colton’s hand shook, “I thought you were going to head home.”
“I didn’t make it.” Lisa responded.
Colton pounded the dashboard in anger, then he keyed up his radio, “God Lisa…I’m so sorry.”
Lisa was calm, but friendly, “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’m okay…really. I was scared at first, but not now. Now…now I feel just fine. I’m not even hungry after we opened up the cells.”
“Lisa? What did you do? What happened to the prisoners?” Colton growled through the phone.
“Well Esteban and Peanut used some of their fancy tools to cut the locks on the cell doors. Then we just popped the doors open, and grabbed ourselves a bite to eat. I haven’t eaten so much since last Thanksgiving. Some got away with only a bite or two, but most of them came back after the infections set in. There’s about twenty of us in here. They’re all so hungry, so I made some calls. The dayshift is coming in early, and midnights will be here in the next hour or so. I told them it was an emergency situation.” Lisa sounded so satisfied with herself.
“You can’t do this.” Colton snarled into the phone. “Lisa, you know how wrong this is.”
“Oh Hon’ if this is wrong then I don’t want to be right.” Lisa laughed. “Why don’t you come back? You won’t suffer…much. Besides, it isn’t like you’re going to find any help out there. Frankly, you’ll be lucky if you don’t end up locked up before dawn.”
Colton “What did you do?”
“Oh silly…I sent a teletype saying that you’re having some emotional problems, and that you should be considered armed and extremely dangerous. We even called for mutual aid. They’re all coming to help us hunt you down. At least that’s what they think. Of course what’s really going to happen is that we’ll be waiting for them to walk through the front doors, and then Peanut and Esteban are going to shoot them. Well at least until we get full. Then we’ll probably change the rest. It’ll be like ordering delivery.”
“Lisa, for God’s sake…don’t do this!” Colton begged.
“You’re absolutely right. Changing them would be a waste. We have holding cells…we should use them.” Lisa bubbled with excitement. “Oh look…some of the midnight officers are coming in early. You just have to love men that work hard like that.”
“Lisa please! You can’t do this!” Colton screamed into the radio, but he never got a response. “Dammit!” Colton punched the dashboard again a few times before shaking his hand in pain. Without a second of hesitation he began dialing all the numbers he had for his employees. He tried to warn everyone he could, but some had already left for work.
Chapter Eighteen
The door opened with a creak. Pauline Tripp covered the bite on her shoulder from her husband. If he saw it he might get the wrong idea. It looked more like a love nip than she would have liked. The other men at the gas station had been able to pry the man off of her before she got hurt too badly. As soon as he was off she ran. She even forgot to pay for the baby formula.
“You took long enough!” Wayne Tripp snapped.
“Sorry. The first place didn’t have what I needed so I had to drive down the road to that other gas station.” Pauline apologized.
“Whatever, now can you go check on the babies? They both keep crying, and it’s really messing with my game.” Wayne said as his thumbs worked like mad on the joystick. His character killed someone else in the game, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Headshot motherfucker!”
Pauline rolled her eyes and made her way to her son. “Dootsie? Hannah? Mommy’s home.” The babies cried louder as they heard their mother’s voice. “Don’t cry…mommy’s here.” David “Dootsie” Tripp giggled when his mother leaned over the baby crib. “Who’s a big boy?” Then she leaned over the other crib, and Hannah Trip began to make happy noises as she saw her mother’s face. The twins were six months old, and they’d only just started learning to crawl. Dootsie giggled again as he filled his diaper. It’s how he earned his nickname to begin with, and he’d certainly lived up to it. Pauline sighed as she took him out of the crib, and then set him on the bed to change him.
“Hey! I need a beer!” Wayne yelled. Immediately the baby started crying
again.
Pauline picked up Dootsie, and used him to cover her wound as she brought her husband a beer. “Here you go Wane.”
“Great…now move! You’re blocking the television.” Wayne snarled.
“Yes dear.” She went back to the bedroom, changed Dootsie’s cloth diaper, wiped some of the blood off the baby’s hands, and then set him in the crib. Dootsie immediately began sucking his thumb, unfortunately she hadn’t gotten all the blood off his hands.
Hannah was next. Pauline picked her up and put her on the bed to change her. After getting her cleaned up and freshly changed, Pauline started playing with her daughter. “This little piggy went to the market.” Pauline wiggled Hannah’s big toe and then kissed it. “This little piggy stayed home.” She wiggled the index toe, and then kissed it. “This little piggy had roast beef.” She wiggled the middle toe, and then kissed it. By now the sound of Hannah’s laughter was starting to irritate Wayne.
“Shut that little brat up. I’m trying to pwn noobs.” Wayne snapped.
Pauline looked at the door that lead back to her husband, “Sorry.” Then she looked at Hannah, “We’re going to have to hurry so we don’t make Daddy mad.” Pauline grabbed the fourth toe and wiggled it, “This little piggy had none.” She kissed the fourth toe. “And this little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.” Pauline stopped wiggling the pinky toe and then kissed it. “Such sweet little piggy.” Pauline put her babies pinky-toe between her teeth, and then bit down.
The sudden infant’s scream made Wayne jerk. Immediately a nine year old living somewhere in Arizona pulled the trigger on his controller. Wayne’s character died and he screamed, “Motherfucker!”
“How do my balls taste?” The kid in Arizona laughed as he made his character crouch down over the face of Wayne’s character.
“You just got lucky. My kid screamed.” Wayne grumbled.
“How do you keep whining like that with my balls all up in your mouth?” The kid taunted.
“Listen here you little bastard! My kid distracted me, and then there was this lag.”
“Oh boo-hoo-hoo…pussy!”
Wayne was about to really start unloading verbally on the kid, but his daughter Hannah’s screams were getting louder. “Shut that fucking kid up! Jesus!”
“Okay honey.” Pauline’s voice floated to him from the other room. Hannah stopped in mid-scream. The sheer suddenness of it got Wayne’s attention.
“Pauline?” Wayne asked. When there was no answer he set the controller down, “Stupid bitch never listens.” He got up and walked back to the bedroom. When he got in there Pauline was bent over the bed. “Pauline?”
Pauline turned around. “Yes Dear?” Blood covered the lower half of her face.
Wayne panicked and ran to his wife, “Are you okay? Did you fall?” It wasn’t until he was right up on her that he saw their infant daughter. Hannah’s head was twisted almost all the way around. There were little bloody nubs where her fingers and toes had been. The worst part was her stomach. Wayne couldn’t even process it completely. It looked like something had chewed away the baby’s midsection, but he couldn’t put it all together. He couldn’t accept his wife would do something like that. Instead he just stood there frozen. Pauline was still looking up at him, blood dripping off her chin onto the carpet. After another few moments she shrugged, and took another bite.
“W-w-w-w-w-what did you d-d-d-d-d-do?” His mind raced to put everything back together.
Pauline pulled away, part of the baby’s thigh dangling between her teeth. She chewed a few times before swallowing. Then she opened her mouth and said, “You wanted her to be quiet.” Without a second thought she turned back to what used to be baby Hannah and began eating.
Those six words changed his entire world. Everything snapped into total clarity. “Pauline…how could you?”
Pauline turned and stood. Part of a lower intestine hung from between her teeth. The baby dangled from the intestine like it was an umbilical cord waiting to be cut, and with one bite she did just that. The intestine severed. Hannah flopped onto the bed, and then slid off onto the floor with a wet meaty thud. She lunged at him without hesitation. Her mouth was a bloody tragedy waiting to happen.
Wayne leapt away as her teeth snapped shut. Tears streamed down his face. He couldn’t even give words to what he felt. He stepped back through the doorway, and Pauline was right behind him. Wayne kicked the door, and it swung closed. Pauline hammered the door with both fists. The oak door split from the impact, but was still holding together. She hit it a second time and both arms ripped through the top half of the door. Splinters were imbedded all through her forearms.
Pauline hit the door one more time. The door fell in pieces, and there was a distinct pop as one of her wrists broke. Pauline’s right hand flopped around limply. She walked out of the bedroom, and made her way towards her husband.
“Get away!” Wayne screamed.
“Don’t be that way. You know I love you, and I promise it won’t hurt…much.” Pauline leapt at her husband. At the last second, he jumped out of the way. Pauline went face first into a mirror. Glass shattered, cutting her face. Pauline turned to her husband, “Hold still.” She ran at him. Wayne grabbed both her arms, put a foot against her stomach, rolled onto his back, and then kicked as hard as he could.
Pauline went sailing into the television. Sparks shot out of the television, and then it went black before falling down on top of Pauline. “Honey? You’re going to hurt my feelings.”
“You killed Hannah…YOU CRAZY BITCH!”
“You said you’d love me forever.” Pauline started crying as she threw the television off. Wayne dove onto the floor as the television struck the wall right behind him. When he looked up the television was imbedded in the wall.
Wayne crawled on all fours to the kitchen. “Stay back!”
Pauline’s face was shredded by glass, her wrist was shattered. A cheek bone was poking through the skin. Still she put her hand on her hips and tried to pose seductively, “Baby…I want you inside me so bad that I can practically taste it.” Wayne stared at her in horror. Pauline laughed, “Wow, I must be slipping. Normally you come running when I say stuff like that.”
Wayne started grabbing anything he could get his hands on to throw at his wife. Pauline didn’t even try to dodge as knives, a cutting board, fruits, vegetables, and a turkey baster went flying at her. Pauline walked into the kitchen, “Come on, we can get past this. All I want to do is eat your brains. It’s not like I’m being unreasonable.”
Wayne grabbed the freezer door and swung it open. It struck Pauline right in the face, knocking her onto her back. She turned over and started crawling towards her husband. Wayne grabbed the refrigerator door, and slammed it as hard as he could into her face. When the refrigerator door swung back Pauline’s nose was folded over sideways, and her lip was split almost all the way down to her chin.
Wayne kicked the refrigerator door with everything he had. There was a meaty crunch. The door swung back. Pauline’s left cheek was completely caved in. She smiled, and bits of teeth fell to the floor. Her smile was like a broken window. She barely resembled the woman he’d promised to love forever.
“Hoonah, donth ronnuhway fron muh!” Her jaw was broken, and she could just barely form words. Pauline started to move towards him again. Wayne grabbed the edge of the refrigerator, and yanked on it with everything he had. It leaned, and then crashed on top of Pauline’s back. The force drove blood up and out of her mouth. It sprayed everywhere. She was liked an insect that someone just stepped on. Wayne sighed in relief, and then the refrigerator started moving.
Pauline started to rise up. Wayne panicked and grabbed his George Foreman grill. He raised it high over his head, and brought it crashing down on Pauline. He slammed it against her head over and over until it was reduced to mush. She didn’t move anymore. Wayne just stood there in shock.
“Nobody is going to believe this.” He said to himself. Both hands shook violently. Te
ars were still streaming down his face. In his mind he could already see how this was going to end. Everyone in the family already knew that he and Pauline had been having problems. He knew he wasn’t the best husband, but he’d never hit her before now, and yet there she was. He doubted anybody would believe what he told them. Afterall, Pauline was beaten to a pulpy mess, and he didn’t even have a scratch on him. There was Hannah, maybe someone would believe what he had to say when they saw his daughter.
Wayne vomited the moment he remembered his daughter’s body dangling from her own insides. It was all too much. He sat down in the rapidly growing puddle of blood on the kitchen floor. Wayne didn’t want to be there, but his legs just wouldn’t hold him up anymore. He was like a marionette after the strings were cut. His eyes kept darting around the room as if he hoped any moment he’d wake up from a nightmare. He’d lost his wife, his daughter. He still wasn’t sure if his son was alive, but he couldn’t will himself back up to walk and check. By any definition he was a broken man.
The phone rang. Wayne reached out numbly for the cordless, and put it to his ear.
“Hello, this is James from Morningstar Telephone. I’d like to talk with you about your current long distance provider.”
Wayne’s voice was cold and empty, “My wife is dead.”
“Well we at Morningstar Telephone are truly saddened by your loss, and we’re prepared to offer you some of the lowest long distance rates in the country if you switch your carrier to us now.”
“My daughter…is dead.” Wayne sobbed.
“Also a terrible loss, and speaking of losses. How much money are you losing by staying with your current phone provider. Are you aware that you could be saving up to eight percent by changing to Morningstar Telephone?”
“I killed my wife after she killed our daughter.” Wayne kept crying. He fell onto his side in the blood, and then curled up in the fetal position.
“Speaking of killings…if you act now you’ll make a killing in savings. We’ll also send you your choice of three different styles of novelty phones. We have a phone shaped like a cat, an Elvis Presley phone that dances when you receive a call, and Spongebob Squarepants for the kids, but that’s not all. If you agree to bundle your phone service with internet we’ll also send you at no extra cost a free-“
Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves Page 19
