“Well…I always wondered what you saw in the little leprechaun, and now I know.” Bobby laughed.
“Well…that definitely is a perk, but I loved him before I ever found out about that. He’s a good man Bobby. There aren’t a lot of them left around nowadays.” She smiled softly.
“Yeah…I guess good guys are going the way of the dinosaur. Someday there’ll be a museum dedicated to all the good guys everywhere. Of course women will still walk right past it to go to the biker bar next door.” Bobby smiled, and then he got very serious, “So where’d you learn to shoot like that?”
“Colton taught me.”
Bobby shook his head, “Bullshit. Colt can barely hit the side of a barn. I know he said he taught you to shoot, but that’s kind like one of the gays teaching us straights how to pick up chicks.”
Sarah sighed, “You know how I sometimes have to go research my books right.”
“Yeah.” Bobby answered suspiciously.
“Well when I was writing that one about the circus…I may have spent a few weeks working as the lovely assistant for a trick-shooter.” Sarah said nervously.
“What’s the big deal?”
“Well…the costume was kind of revealing.”
Bobby glared at the woman, “How revealing?”
“Garter belt, fishnets, a corset, a mini-skirt, high heels, and a top hat.” Sarah blushed.
“Yeah…I can see why Colton might get a little bit twisted about his wife dressing like that in public. So you didn’t tell him you already knew how to shoot because he might ask how you learned.”
“Yeah…I was supposed to be one of the clowns, but Cowboy Jack’s assistant got knocked up by the bearded lady, and they needed someone to step in on short notice. Please don’t tell Colton. He gets so excited when he thinks he’s shown me how to do something.”
Bobby eyed the woman. She was smart, beautiful, and devoted to her husband. He would like her even if she wasn’t Colton’s wife. “You’re secret is safe with me.”
“Thanks Bobby…now I have one more request.”
Bobby eyed the blonde, “What is it?”
“Colton said that Achmed was killed last night.”
“Yeah.” Bobby answered slowly.
“Well…you see…is there any way you’d mind…”
“Just spill it.” Bobby snapped.
“Achmed’s been giving my husband low-calorie diet snack cakes and sweets so that my husband won’t grab himself anything really sugary.”
“What?!?!”
Sarah looked around nervously, “Colton loves his sweets, but the doctor told him that he has to cut down his sugar, and his calories. He wants my husband to lose weight. I could spend my time trying to argue and complain to my husband that he should eat healthier, or I could just use his own sneakiness against him. Colton would do damn near anything for a cupcake. It’s just who he is. So I’ve been buying low-calorie knockoffs of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Snowballs, and other stuff from this bakery I found online. I’ve been taking them out of their boxes, and then dropping them off with Achmed so that he can give then to my husband. Of course he thinks they are just stale versions of the real thing. So he thinks he’s still getting his sweets, but the calories have been cut so that he’ll lose weight. That way everyone is happy.”
Bobby started howling with laughter, “So the entire time that he thought he was sneaking around on you with Dolly Madison and Little Debbie, he’s really been eating healthy…well healthier.”
“Yes, but now Achmed is gone. So I need another partner in crime. Bobby…would you help me with my husband by sneaking him low calorie Ding-Dongs to shove into his face.” Sarah asked nervously.
Bobby smiled, “Okay, but I’m only doing this because I think this whole situation is funny as hell. It isn’t because I want the little Ewok to live longer, or any of that other touchy-feely hippie bullshit.”
Sarah bent over and kissed him on the cheek, “Thank you Bobby.” Bobby felt his face turn beat red. Sarah took one look and started laughing, “Bobby, we have to find you a woman. The day a kiss on the cheek from a friend turns you six shades of red is the day you officially need to start dating again because you’ve been on your own way too long.”
“Yeah, but dating might lead to marriage. I tried marriage once. It was a lot like eating bad Mexican food. The first few bites are good, then it all starts to taste the same, and then once you’ve taken all you can stomach there’s nothing left but to sit around waiting for the painful shit to finally happen.”
“Bobby…a good marriage isn’t like that.”
“Yeah, but I’m just not marriage material. Besides, if I did find a woman then she’d probably want kids. I’m too old for that. I was lucky to get B.J. when I did, but with my luck my next kid would be some kind of mutant rat-boy. Plus I’d be in my sixties when the kid graduated high school so I figure getting out of the gene pool while I’m ahead is probably a good thing.”
Sarah finished making breakfast and slid the plate over to the man. “You know there are probably some women out there that just want companionship. They don’t want children.”
“Yeah…and either they’re kooks, or they can do a shitload better than a nine-fingered asshole that never did learn to put the toilet seat down.” Bobby smirked, and started eating. “Damn this is good.”
Sarah looked at the man. He wasn’t ugly, but he certainly wasn’t looking his best either. Bobby had mischievous blue eyes, and a friendly smile that was just a little crooked on his face. The short crew cut didn’t exactly soften his features any. Dirt and blood were caked onto him, and when you combined it all he looked a little like an escaped mental patient. She could see why he wasn’t dating. Most women would run the other way if a man looking like Bobby showed up with flowers, but if he just made a couple changes then he might find someone. All he needed was to let his hair grow out a little, make sure to clean up a little more, and dress a little nicer. He had nice bone structure. If he just did those few things he might go from a crazy looking coonass to a fairly handsome man. A thought slipped into her head. Maybe all Bobby needed to find someone…was for someone to give him a little coaching on how to present himself.
“Bobby? Go upstairs and take a shower. Don’t come out of that bathroom until I tell you to.”
“Well I don’t really think Colton is going to approve of me scrubbing my balls with his loofa.”
“Don’t argue.”
“I don’t even have any clothes!”
Sarah grinned, “I’m going to go grab some of your clothes from your house. I’ll be back in forty-five minutes.”
“I could go with you.” Bobby started to move to the front door. “Then I could use my own shower.”
Sarah grabbed his arm and moved him towards the stairs, “No…I’m going to take care of your clothes. Besides, you’re a little ripe from running around with my husband last night, and frankly I can barely stand to be in the same room with you as it is right now. I don’t think I could last the car ride over. So get upstairs, and scrub like you’ve never scrubbed before Bobby Mullins.”
Bobby tried two more times to talk his way out of going upstairs, but Sarah wouldn’t budge. So in the end he made his way upstairs slowly. “Why is it that I have the feeling that you have some super-secret Sarah Mudd plot, and I’m about to be the victim of it?”
“You’re just being paranoid. Now get up there mister and scrub. Don’t stop until you’re squeaky clean. There’s an extra toothbrush in the drawer under the sink. I expect those teeth brushed too.” Sarah pushed the man up the stairs.
“Yes Mother!” Bobby said sarcastically.
Sarah waited until she heard the water running, and then she made her way out the front door. She went to her car and started backing away. Meanwhile Bobby sat on the toilet. The shower was running, and the sink was also going full blast. He needed to poop, but hadn’t wanted Sarah to hear him. Normally he would have taken pride in his backdoor symphony, but he felt a little se
lf-conscious about it around Sarah. So he tried to drown out the sounds by using the shower and sink.
Bobby sat there waiting to finish when he saw a set of controls. After finishing he looked around, and saw no toilet paper anywhere. There wasn’t even anything that looked like it was there to hold toilet paper. He didn’t want to get up so he kept searching. Then he saw the controls beside his leg. “Oh hell…this is one of them fancy toilets. They clean your ass for you. I always wanted to try one of these.”
For some strange reason Bobby looked around as if to make sure there wasn’t anyone in the bathroom with him. Then he pushed the button. A tiny little wand extended out from inside the toilet, and then began spraying cool water on his butthole. Bobby jerked from the surprise of it, and then said, “Well that’s new.” After the bidet finished cleaning him, Bobby tried it again…and again…and one more time before he moved on to the air dryer. He was about to hop up when he saw a other little buttons that said variable spray and wand position. He hit that button and felt the spray pulse on and off as it splashed against him. Then he started hitting the wand position button to see how far back it would go. The spray moved all the way to his tailbone. Then Bobby pressed it to see how far it would extend. He stopped pressing it when it started hitting him in the testicles. .“Holy shit…it’s like a really tiny midget is down there shooting me in the balls with a water gun! This is so cool.” He pressed the button to extend it out as far as it would go. It kept spraying until it was firing out through the space between his legs. Water was shooting out, and hitting the giant wall mirror across from him. Bobby panicked and jumped up to block the water from hitting the mirror. The bidet started shooting him in the back of the head, and when he turned around it was spraying him in the face.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Colton drove slowly up towards the police station. The fire engine was nothing more than a burnt skeleton. The front of the station was completely destroyed. He could see some people moving around inside, but he couldn’t tell whether they were infected or not. Then one of them saw him. He saw him call to the others, and then they began walking out towards him. Even in the light he couldn’t tell whether they were zombies or not, and so he threw the Explorer in reverse and prepared to tear out of the area if they attacked.
“Sheriff Mudd! Hey Colton!” Deputy Roger Cobb screamed from across the parking lot. “What the fuck happened here last night Boss?”
Colton put it in drive, and rolled up to the growing crowd. He was prepared to drive right over them if they even hinted at the slightest desire to eat him. Colton parked ten feet from the crowd, and let them walk the rest of the way over to him.
It was the normal dayshift crowd. The three dispatchers, two janitors, and the two regular officers along with Roger, who worked part time to earn a little cash after his retirement from New Orleans PD. Of all the officers on Colton’s force, Roger was the one most likely to be able to handle this whole situation. In fact, if Roger had wanted it, he probably could have taken Colton’s job years ago. Roger looked exactly like what most people would expect in a movie sheriff. He was broad shouldered, square jawed, and tall.
“Colton? What happened last night? I get a call from Lisa saying to come in, and then you call me saying stay away. When I get here it looks like this place was a warzone, your vehicle looks like swiss cheese because of all the bullet holes, and all the landlines are dead. Only cell phones work. What the hell is that axe doing stuck in the side of your truck.” Roger eyed Colton suspiciously.
Colton tried to explain everything, and when everyone looked at him like he was insane he had Roger call the LSU campus police. It rang a few times, and then they someone picked up, “Help us! Help us please! They’re killing everyone!”
“Who’s killing everyone?” Roger asked. The veins stood out from his neck.
“Zombies…they’re everywhere! The whole campus is infected. They already got Herbert. The sons of bitches shoved a pole through him, and then cooked him like a chicken from Boston Market.” The voice screamed into the phone.
Colton grabbed the phone, “How? You were supposed to be guarding that head. Is B.J. okay?”
“We were, but someone stole it. I don’t know about any B.J., but whoever he is…they probably got him as well.” The voice said.
“It’s not a he. It was the young woman investigating the head.” Colton snapped.
“I don’t know what happened to her.” There was a loud crash in the background, and the man screamed, “No! No! Stay back!” Colton and the others could hear the man firing his gun at something. “I said stay back. No! No! Help me! Oh God help me please! Nooooooooooo-“ The phone cut off. Colton, Roger and the rest of the people just stared at the phone.
“I didn’t sign up for this shit? I quit.” Roger’s voice shook with fear as he turned around and walked to his car. He slid inside, turned the key, and drove off. The others walked back to their cars and drove off. Colton tried to talk them into staying to help, but they didn’t want to hear it. He even begged, but that didn’t stop the last car from driving away.
Colton wanted to get Bobby and go rescue his goddaughter, but right now he needed to figure out what happened. If B.J. was still alive then there wasn’t much he could do to help her. All he could do is hope she’d have enough sense to get somewhere safe. If she wasn’t alive…he’d have time to cry about it later. “If she didn’t make it…Jesus. How would Bobby handle it?” Colton was afraid of the answer. He didn’t think Bobby would want to live if something happened to his daughter. Colton pushed the thought out of his head. He needed to investigate. Colton walked inside. There was blood on the walls, body parts strewn around the lobby, but no sign of what might have happened to the zombies there. Colton searched the station, and found an invoice for the Meyers. “Shit. They must have come here to get paid.” Colton pulled out his cell phone and tried to call Bella and her brothers. There was no answer.
Colton decided to backtrack. It was his best chance to figure out what happened. “If they had an invoice, then that means they dropped off the bodies at the M.E.’s office.” Colton walked out to his Explorer and drove to the M.E.’s office. He found the M.E. naked with a hole chewed out of his chest and the top half of his skull missing. The inside of his skull was scraped clean.
“The Meyers came here. Then they went to my station, but then what?” Colton looked around for some clue where they might have gone, but came up with nothing. The only thing he saw were bloody footprints leading from the exam table to the front door. He finally shrugged and walked back out of the M.E.’s office. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed in frustration. He didn’t know where the Meyers might have gone, but he had another lead.
Colton followed the footprints. They got fainter the farther he walked, but there were still some blood spots when he reached the water plant. Colton pushed the door open, and then went inside. He searched until he found the mixing area basins. Newly cleaned water was running through the grate. A young woman was pinned to the grate from the rushing water. She was eating a water employee. The scraps that fell off washed down through the grate into a pipe that went to the entire city.
When Melissa Roberts finally saw Colton she grinned and waved an arm that was nothing but bone and muscle. The water was running so quickly that it had stripped most of the skin from her body. “Why don’t you come join me?” Colton pulled out his gun, and took aim. He shot, and missed. So he walked around to the grate. Pointed down at the woman’s head, and pulled the trigger.
Brain matter sprayed into the water, and then flowed through the grate. Colton started walking around the water to find an off switch. Then a hand shot up out of the water and grabbed Colton by the ankle. Colton screamed and fought as the arm started pulling him into the water. He grabbed onto the guardrail, and watched in horror as a head started rising out of the water. The water had peeled the skin off his face and body. He could see where the muscle was beginning to be shredded away from the bone.
/> “So hungry!” Colton’s attacker leaned in to bite the man. Water ran out through his teeth and from where his neck had been. Its jaw opened wide, and was about to sink into Colton’s leg.
*Bang*
The zombie’s head scattered out over the water, and his body slid back into the water. Colton scrambled to his feet and got as far from the grate as possible. He couldn’t tell how many more might be pinned to the grate down in that water, but there were four cars outside. He had to assume there were at least two more down there. Colton searched the room for the cutoff valve. He found it and pushed the button to shut the water off.
Iron doors dropped into place to cut off the water. The pools drained out through the grate The woman and the two men fell to the bottom. Colton walked over and looked down. The ones he shot weren’t moving, but there were still two more that must have been deep below the surface. They didn’t have any skin left, and most of their muscle had been ripped away by the current. They couldn’t do much more than claw at the metal grate. Colton took careful aim, and tried to shoot them, but he couldn’t hit them. Instead rounds struck them in the back, or just missed them completely. Finally Colton just gave up and walked off. They couldn’t climb out anyway, and he couldn’t afford to keep wasting bullets just to put them out of their misery.
Colton walked back to the M.E.’s office, and then slipped into his Explorer. He decided to drive back home. Bobby had to be awake by now, and there wasn’t anything else he could do around here right now anyway. He began driving down the road, when he saw the burnt out husk of the local arts and crafts store. He also saw the burnt and melted husk that had been the Meyers’ station wagon.
“Oh holy hell!” Colton snapped as he slammed on the breaks and skidded to a stop in front of the building. He got out and made his way inside the burnt building. He found the first body halfway into the store. It was burnt, and in pieces. At first he thought it might be Edward, but as he found more charred bodies strewn around the store. He was pretty sure when he found Jacob. The corpse was almost three times the girth of the others. He looked as though someone had scooped his insides out before the fire got him.
Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves Page 32
