“Fuck you!”
Bobby sat there in calm silence for a little over twenty minutes as he tried kept asking himself W.W.J.M.D.? (What Would John McClane Do?) After struggling to think of anything beyond Yippee-Kai-Ay motherfucker, Bobby gave a final shrug and said, “Okay, fine. Well I guess I don’t have to have a great line to kill you with.” Bobby groaned as he rose back to his feet. “It isn’t like there’s anyone around to appreciate it.”
“You’re crazy!”
“A little.” Bobby smirked. He stepped in front of Dez. The teen strained to look up at him. Blood bubbled and spurted out of his mouth. Bobby raised the shovel high up, and was just about to smash his head in when he heard a car approaching. Bobby lowered the shovel and turned around. It was Sarah’s car.
Dez grabbed Bobby’s ankle and pulled. Bobby went off his feet and landed flat on his stomach. Bobby rolled onto his back as the teen began pulling him closer. Dez opened his mouth to bite into the man. Bobby swung his shovel and brought the blade down between the teens hungry mouth and his ankle. Dez snapped at the metal and tried to move around the shovel’s blade. Bobby kicked the metal with his free leg. The steel smashed into Dez’s face. Bobby kicked three more times into the scoop of the metal blade, and Dez finally let go.
Bobby rolled free and stood up. There were stickers imbedded all in his back. Dez was still reaching out for him screaming, “Come back here motherfucker!”
Sarah’s car pulled into the driveway, and she hopped out of the car screaming, “Bobby!”
“Dad!” B.J. jumped out and started running towards her father.
Bobby swung the shovel over his shoulder and started walking towards the women when Dez screamed, “Yeah that’s right. Go hide behind those bitches.”
Bobby stopped and turned around slowly. “What?” Bobby slowly moved back to the young man.
“What?” Dez looked up into the man’s eyes. Bobby’s face was cold. “Oh I get it now. You don’t like anyone to call your hos bitches.” Dez started laughing. “Well those two bitches can suck on my nuts like the hos they are.”
*SCHLUNK-SCHLUNK*
Both of Dez’s arms were cut off at the shoulder. “What the f-“
*SCHLUNK*
Dez’s head rolled away from the blade of the shovel. His eyes rolled around as he tried to focus on the angry man holding the shovel. When he stopped rolling he looked into Bobby’s angry face and mouthed “Fuck you!”
Bobby stared at the decapitated head, and then looked at himself. There were bruises and scratches all over. He was aware of the stickers in his back, but just too tired and sore to care about them. Bobby bent over and picked the teen up by his hair. He then left the tractor and started walking back to the barn wearing nothing but the fluffy pink unicorn slippers. Sarah and B.J. called after him, but he was so angry that he wasn’t even listening anymore. They ran up to catch him, but he was just locked in on the barn. They tried to grab at him and get him to stop, but he kept walking.
He got into the barn and set Dez’s head on a work table. Bobby started looking through the tools and equipment. He had his head buried in a toolbox when Sarah put a hand on his shoulder, “Bobby?” He didn’t even respond.
B.J. called to him, “Dad?”
Bobby stood up with a red rubber glove and some duct tape. He walked over to the head, and stuck the open end of the glove over the bloody stump that was Dez’s neck. Then he wrapped duct tape around it until he was sure it wouldn’t come off. Then he lifted Dez’s head and stuck it in a vise. The glove faced the back wall, and the top of his head faced the destroyed barn doors. A few turns of the crank secured Dez in so that he couldn’t move. The vise had four sharp metal spikes that could be extended so that it could maintain a more secure hold on wood. They little gripping spikes bit into the flesh and left beads of blood dripping around the steel.
“Dad…you’re scaring me.” B.J. looked to be about to cry.
Bobby stopped, “Sorry…just sort of lost it for a minute there. I’d hug you but well.” Bobby gestured to the blood, muck, and stickers all over him. Then he looked at Sarah, “Believe it or not I did take a shower before all this started.”
Sarah smiled as she tried to keep from looking directly at the nude man.
B.J. screamed, “Oh my God! You told me never to get a tattoo and you’ve got one! That’s so unfair.”
“No…I said no tattoos until you’re older. I didn’t want you making any stupid mistakes that you’d regret for the rest of your life like oh say….exhibit A here.” Bobby answered as he pointed at the tattoo.
Sarah couldn’t help but look down. Tattooed on Bobby’s stomach was a raccoon with all four paws clawing down Bobby’s body. Claw marks went down from just below both nipples like the raccoon was shredding the man’s flesh as he slid down his body. The left back claw looked like it shredded most of Bobby’s hip, and the right back claw marks went all the way down until the raccoon’s back foot stopped on the front of his thigh just even with the man’s penis. The raccoon was looking over his shoulder and winking. His bushy tail swept off to the side. The tattoo artist used Bobby’s bellybutton as the raccoon’s butthole. Sarah’s eyes alternated from the man’s bizarre tattoo, to his penis, and then back again.
“When did you get that?” Sarah asked.
Bobby groaned, “Remember when Colton went with me to New Orleans to celebrate my divorce?” Sarah nodded. “Well I don’t remember too much from that night, and the stuff I do remember doesn’t make any sense. When I woke up the next morning I had this.”
“Dad? You got drunk and ended up with a tattoo. I don’t even know what to say.” B.J. snickered “Now can you put on some pants before I need therapy?”
Bobby shrugged, “It isn’t like I planned to be running around naked. Why don’t both of you go grab my clothes. I’ll finish up here, and then go get cleaned up…again.”
“Are you sure?” Sarah asked. “Why don’t you just come inside and get cleaned up?”
“I’ll be there in a few. I have to finish this up. Can you maybe go unlock the gun locker just in case some more show up?” Bobby asked.
Sarah nodded, “Sorry, I thought we were out of the worst of this.” Then she looked at B.J., “We are definitely going to find somewhere safe to hide out in New Orleans.”
B.J. nodded and followed her back to the house. A couple of times she looked back at the wrecked double doors, but her father was already working frantically on the head. “Does he seem to be acting kind of weird to you?” She asked.
“Honestly, with everything that’s happened…I think I’d be more worried if he was acting normal.” Sarah sighed. “Your dad’s had part of his ear shot off, he’s got a broken nose, and whatever happened while I was gone must have been pretty bad because he looks like one giant bruise. I don’t think he really even notices those burrs stuck in his back.”
“Maybe one of us should go back and make sure he’s okay? Maybe help him get back to the house. He’s running on pure adrenaline right now, so when he comes down he’s going to start feeling all that.” B.J. asked.
“Okay. I’ll go back. You grab his clothes and put them up in the bathroom. The gun locker is in Colton’s closet. The combo is thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six.” Sarah smiled.
“You’re measurements?”
“When we first got married, but a few things have changed over the years. Not much, but they still have changed.” Sarah smirked and turned to head back to the barn.
“I’ll call Uncle Colt and make sure he’s headed back. We should probably get out of here as soon as he arrives.”
“Definitely, now let me get in there to talk your Dad out of the barn and into the shower. He’s absolutely filthy.” Sarah moved back to the barn. When he got to the entrance she could Bobby talking to the head.
Then she heard the head speak, “You motherfucker. Why don’t you just kill me?”
Bobby laughed, “Because I’m curious. I cut off your head, but you really didn’t
seem too upset by it. I ran your Dad over, but he didn’t seem to be any really pain. I put a posthole drill through your mother, and she barely even registered it. So I’m wondering if maybe you fuckers don’t actually feel anything anymore, or if you’re all just really tough bastards.”
“What does it matter?” Dez answered.
Sarah peeked around the corner and gasped. Bobby had cut a hole in the rubber glove he attached to the teen’s neck hole. He then ran an air hose from a compressor into the hole of the glove and taped the opening with more duct tape. The air filled the glove, and made it look like Dez had a giant red turkey wattle for a neck. The air pushed through his neck hole and over his vocal chords so that Dez could speak.
Bobby turned around and saw Sarah. A sad look went over his face, and then he sighed, “Maybe you should head back inside. This isn’t going to be pretty.”
“Bobby, we need to get you cleaned up.” Sarah said nervously.
Bobby shrugged, “I need to do this.”
“Why?” Sarah looked ready to cry.
“I need to know if they suffer.” Bobby answered.
“But…why?” Sarah’s voice cracked.
Bobby looked at his feet and gave a broken sob. The pink fluffy unicorns were coated in stickers. “I’ve gotten lucky so far. I need to know what happens when my luck runs out.”
“Bobby!” Sarah gasped.
“I shouldn’t have survived what just happened. Who knows how many more there are? Shit…we still haven’t found that fucking werewolf. This might just be the end of the world.” Bobby sniffled as he tried to keep from crying.
“Ah is whitey gonna cry like a bitch!” Dez laughed.
“Shut up!” Bobby snapped and turned off the compressed air.
“Oh you ain’t gonna shut m…” Dez’s mouth kept moving, but no sound came out.
“Bobby…you aren’t going to die.” Sarah stepped closer.
She wanted to pull him in for a hug, but he held her away. “Better not. Who knows what stuff on me might be infectious.”
“We’ve got to get you cleaned up!” Sarah demanded.
“Just take the water hose over there and spray me down. Let’s get the gunk off me, and then when I finish here I’ll go get a shower.”
“Bobby…you aren’t going to die. So you get that stupid idea out of your head. Now get your ass into the house and get a shower. Whatever this was going to be about…you don’t need it.”
Bobby looked at the pretty blonde. All he wanted to do was lean in and kiss her, but instead he gave a weak smile and nodded. “Okay, but I just want to try one thing.” Then he turned around and unhooked the air hose line from the compressor. Bobby connected it to the tanks on a welder.
“I told you that you wouldn’t shut me up!” Dez’s voice was high-pitched like a chipmunk. “What did you do to my voice?”
“I just hooked you to a welding set. I gotta say you sound funny as hell on an argon and helium mix.” Bobby laughed. “You’re like my own little angry black chipmunk. Sing about how all you want is a hula hoop.”
“Motherfucker!” Dez squeaked, and Bobby doubled over laughing.
“Okay…now sing Funkytown! No! Sing Witch Doctor! I always loved Witch Doctor!” Bobby laughed and turned back to Sarah with a malevolently mischievous glint in his eyes, “We get two more of these fuckers and we’ll have the best Chipmunk Halloween decorations ever.”
Sarah tried not to laugh, but the mental image of a Bobby and Colton fighting over how to properly install heads just made her giggle. Finally she just started laughing loud and said, ”Well that would get the Joneses from down the street to quit stealing our decorations.”
“Fuck you bitch!” Dez yelled in his high-pitched squeaky voice.
Bobby’s reaction was immediate. He cranked the handle like a madman. The vise began to close. Bones strained under the pressure, teeth just popped out or shattered altogether. Blood ran out his nose, and mouth. The argon helium mix made little bubbles of blood rise from his tear ducts. Dez started to scream at the man, but there was an audible pop as the bone in his jaw gave way under the pressure. More teeth shattered, or just popped out as Bobby continued to turn the crank.
Dez’s right eye socket popped under the pressure, and when it did his eyeball just shot straight up like someone just uncorked a champagne bottle. His left eye then did the same with an audible pop. Both eyes slid down opposite sides of Dez’s face. The only thing that kept his eyes from hitting the floor was the optic nerves still connecting them to his now greatly deformed head.
“What do you have to say now motherfucker?” Bobby yelled at the head.
Dez blinked, and blood squirted up. His eyelids couldn’t close completely because of the optic nerves dangling out. He tried to say something, but he couldn’t move anything but his lips and tongue so what came out was a severely mangled, but extremely high-pitched goulash of sound that should have been “I’ll kill you, you rotten piece of shit.” Instead what came out was something sounding much closer to, “Illickurotticpesht.”
“I’m sorry…I didn’t catch that. Here, let me help you.” Bobby said as he gave one more turn of the crank. The steel spikes pushed through both cheek bones, and the other two spiked punctured the jawbone. They had sunk down all the way to the actual vise’s steel grip itself.
Dez’s tongue was pushed up and out of his mouth from the added pressure. All he could do was give a high-pitched scream, and ineffectually try to spit blood at the man. All Dez was really able to do was spew blood all over his own face.
“Bobby, this is getting a little…okay well a lot sick. Stop and let’s go back inside.” Sarah pleaded.
“Nobody gets to talk to you like that.” Bobby growled.
“Well Bobby…what’s his head gonna do? Now put the poor guy out of his misery. We need to get you cleaned up and presentable, because driving around with a man covered in blood might just raise some questions.”
Bobby nodded and then went to pick up a hammer to bash Dez’s brain in. On the way back Bobby saw a lighter, “Oh wait…just one more thing.”
“What now?” Sarah groaned.
Bobby took the lighter and set it beside the vise. Then he grabbed more duct tape and covered Dez’s mouth and eyesockets. “This is going to be so cool!” Bobby laughed.
“What are you doing?” Sarah eyed the man suspiciously.
Bobby ignored her and grabbed some plastic eye protectors. Then he grabbed a second set and handed them to Sarah, “If you’re gonna watch the show, you have to have protective eyewear.”
“Bobby.”
“I’m not kidding.”
“What are you going to do?” Sarah gave her best unhappy wife voice. It had always worked with Colton, but Bobby just ignored it and went searching for something in one of the cabinets.
“Where is it?”
“Where is what Bobby?”
“Colton confiscated some firecrackers from the Hansen brothers a couple weeks ago. We were planning on using them when we got bored on our next fishing trip.” Bobby said as he began rattling around inside another cabinet.
“Wait! Colton has illegal fireworks!” Sarah’s voice became shrill and very unhappy.
“No…of course not.”
“Oh thank God. I was worried for a moment there.” Sarah sighed in relief.
“Colton has illegal MEXICAN fireworks!” Bobby said, and immediately Sarah felt her eye twitch in irritation. “Found them!” Bobby was practically giddy as he brought the sack over to the work bench.
“What are you about to do?” Sarah tried her irritated wife voice again, but Bobby was ignoring her. Finally the frustration of not knowing got the better of her, “Bobby Mullins! You tell me what you’re up to right this instant mister.”
“Ever used a black cat on a frog?”
“Eww…no.”
Bobby stopped and grinned, “Me neither, but I was always curious what might happen.”
“You’re not.”
“
I am.”
“Bobby.” Sarah grumbled in frustration.
Bobby smiled and said, “I’ll let you light the fuse.”
Sarah wanted to stand her ground, but instead she said, “I’m in.” She just blurted it out there before she had enough time to be properly indignant.
Bobby put one more piece of duct tape over the nose to seal it all in. Then he filled Dez’s head full of the argon and helium mix. He let the gas keep flowing until the rubber glove was swollen up like a giant ball. Bobby turned off the gas, and then removed the line. He pinched the hole on the glove and said, “Hand me one of those Barrenos. They’re the purple ones.”
Sarah took out one of the purple firecrackers and started giggling with evil glee. She handed it to Bobby, and he used it to plug up the hole in the finger of the glove. “Okay, now wrap some duct tape around the spot where the finger is pulled over the firework. We don’t want it to spit the thing out before you blow it up.”
Sarah did exactly what Bobby said, and then watched as he turned the crank to loosen the vise. Bobby picked up the head and carried it outside to lay it in the grass. Then he walked a little ways away and said, “Okay, now light it, and then run over here. I think I’m far enough away that when it blows we should be safe.”
Sarah practically skipped she was so excited. She bent over and lit the firecracker. Sarah ran to Bobby and then they waited in anticipation. Twenty seconds went by before Bobby shrugged and said, “Guess it was a dud.”
“Aww…talk about a letdown.” Sarah grumbled.
They both started walking back to the head, and were about five feet away when there was a sudden hiss as the fuse flared to life. “Oh shit! Run!” Bobby screamed. Sarah and Bobby turned, and then the firecracker exploded. The explosion ignited the mixture of helium and argon in the glove, and then traveled on through into the head. Dez’s head became a fine red mist, but the skull was already weak from being crushed, and so the brain exploded out the top of the skull and hammered into Sarah, knocking her down face first into the grass as it splattered like a paintball right between her shoulder blades. On her way down she tripped Bobby, and he went sliding across the grass as well.
Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves Page 37
