“Oh if Colton could see you now, he’d pop a blood vessel.” Sarah laughed as she leaned in beside B.J.’s ear. The airboats were loud, and anything under a scream went unheard.
“I’m being good.” B.J. screamed over her shoulder. The grin on her face stretched from ear to ear as both men were still fawning over her.
Sarah smiled and pulled out her cell phone. She took a snapshot of B.J. turned around in her chair getting hugged by Fish and Chips. Then she took another one where they both kissed her on opposite cheeks at the same time. “My husband is going to have a conniption.” Sarah said to Paul before bursting into laughter again as B.J. took the liberty of wrapping both arms around the shoulders of her two new “boy toys” for the evening.
The airboats took them awhile to get to the Bayou, but after they arrived. Mistress Bloodraven had the drivers find some semidry land. It was already very dark, but the airboats had lights mounted on them, and they kept the area she worked from well lit up. Two men who she called her assistants walked over. They lay down on the ground, and then she began.
B.J. was huddled between Fish and Chips. The each had an arm wrapped around her waist, and she had a hand gently cupping each of their very firm rumps. The grin on her face was almost permanently affixed. She didn’t even notice when Mistress Bloodraven forgot her lines and started quoting lines from old horror movies. The two assistants started jerking and flopping on the ground, and then rose as she said, “Klaatu barada nikto.”
Most of the people were feeling pretty ripped off by then, but B.J. Fish and Chips were too distracted by one another to care. Meanwhile Sarah, Paul, and Avery were making fun of the two “zombies”.
“I didn’t know zombies, had bacne.” Avery giggled.
“Well why do you think they want to eat our brains…it’s so we won’t notice.” Paul snickered.
“Boys…boys…stop picking on him. He’s just a simple zombie working hard to earn enough money to feed his zombie wife and zombie kids.” Sarah snorted. “I mean what’s this country coming to when a Zombie can’t earn enough to feed his family…plus now they have Sparky the zombie dog to take care of, and you know he keeps eating the neighbors zombie cat.”
“Could you three please try to keep it down? You’re ruining it for the others that came to see a real zombie ceremony.” Mistress Bloodraven snapped.
“That’s not a zombie.” Brad said.
“Well of course not. Zombies aren’t real.” Mistress Bloodraven rolled her eyes.
The entire group of Genitalia from Australia started laughing. Paul rolled his eyes, “Shows what you know.”
“Listen pretty boy. I’ve been doing this tour for five weeks now. I’m a professional. I took a three hour class on being a tour guide, and let me tell you…this is as close to the real thing that there is.” Mistress Bloodraven snapped.
“Keep telling yourself that.” Paul said with a smile.
“You’ve seen zombies?” Sarah asked.
“You see a lot of things back in the Bush. Not everything that wants to eat you is a croc.” Paul answered.
“We should compare notes.” Sarah said.
“No! There will be no comparing anything on this tour. This is a zombie tour. I’m the tourguide, and these are your zombies! The end!” Mistress Bloodraven screamed.
Brad shook his head, “But that’s not a zombie…now those…those are zombies.” He pointed out into the darkness, and the people could just make out the shambling horde moving towards them. More and more zombies slowly rose up from the water. First it was a few dozen, and then hundreds, and with each passing moment even more rose up and started walking towards them. Old, young, black, white, women and men moved like a hungry throng towards the people.
Paul, Avery, Fish, Chips, and the others started moving into defensive stances. The rest of the crowd looked confused. One of the tourists, a fat older man named Shawn started laughing, “This is a hell of a value. I was expecting some crappy looking rubber masks, and maybe some stupid hocus pocus. I sure didn’t expect misdirection like this.” He started walking out towards the zombies.
“Get back her mate.” Paul yelled.
“Oh shut up pretty boy. You don’t have me fooled. I know you’re part of this. Man these costumes are amazing. It must have taken you people hours to set this up.” Shawn leaned in to get a closer look at the first zombies face. “How did you get the maggots to crawl around like that? Animatronics?” Just then the zombie lunged and bit down into Shawn’s neck. “Oh fuck! Get them off!”
“Sorry mate…it’s too late for you.” Paul yelled. “The rest of you…get behind us. We’ll try and keep you safe the best we can.”
“How? How are a bunch of crank dancers going to save us?” Mistress Bloodraven screamed.
“We’re Australian.” Brad said as if that explained everything. Then he walked out into the darkness. A moment later he came back with one of the zombies. He had the zombie by the back of the neck, “Now here you have your typical government zombie. They’re particularly deadly in that you don’t really know what was done to make them.” The zombie jerked, and sent Brad flying. He landed with a thump, but was back to his feet and running over almost immediately. “Aw crikey! He’s a strong one.”
Brad grabbed the zombie by the hair, and the flesh underneath peeled away. “This zombie has enough power in his arms to rip my head right off.”
The zombie groaned, “Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.”
Brad grinned, “So I’ve got to be careful.” He kicked the side of the zombies knee, and everyone watched as it shattered. The zombie tried to continue, but Brad kicked the other knee, and the zombie collapsed on the ground. “So what I’ve got to do right now is get behind the zombie…and jam my thumb in its butthole.”
Paul screamed, “Brad no!” But it was too late.
Brad yanked down the zombies pants and in one swift motion he crammed his thumb up the zombies butthole. Brad smiled and yelled, “I got this one boys! You get the others.” The zombie thrashed and jerked to try and get Brad’s thumb out of his ass. “Aw crikey he’s really mad now!”
“Brad!” Paul screamed. “That’s how you handle a yeti…not a zombie.”
Brad’s face suddenly grew terrified. The zombie then clenched his butt muscles, and tightened his sphincter. The butthole severed Brad’s thumb in one pucker as Brad screamed, “Aw crikey!”
The zombies began pressing in from all sides. “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Sarah screamed as she grabbed B.J. and started to run. The men from Genitalia from Australia started fighting the zombies in order to protect the other tourists. They were brave, they were strong, but they were outnumbered.
Most of Paul’s men yanked off their shirts and used them like a garrote. They couldn’t cut the heads off, but they could use the shirts to either wrap around the zombies neck in order to break it, or use it like a bit for a horse and guide the zombies away from the people.
“Fall back to the airboats!” Paul ordered.
The zombies collapsed in around them. Hundreds of undead kept rising up out of the water and moving towards them. As more and more of the zombies rose, the stench grew. Soon many of the tourists were doubled over vomiting from the stench.
“Americans.” Avery groaned. “Boys, we can’t save them all. Grab the Sheila’s and the kids.”
Paul and his men scooped up women and children and ran them to the boats. Some of the other men were able to crawl their way to the boats. The zombies picked off the stragglers one by one. They ripped some of them apart, some were just pinned to the ground and devoured, and a few had bites taken out of them and bled to death on the way back.
The men from Genitalia from Australia stood between the people and the zombies. “Fish! Chips! Get on.”
“Sorry! We have to try to make sure everyone else gets through this.” Simon Chips said with a sad smile. “Really wish we could have talked you into that night out.”
B.J. hopped off the boat long enough to give
the man a kiss on the cheek, and then kissed Markus Fish as well, “I’m sorry guys. I’d have loved to have gotten to know you both better.” She then hopped back up into the boat with tears in your eyes. “Good luck.”
Fish and Chips waved at her and then fought hard against zombies pressing in. Their teeth snapped at the men. Some of the airboat drivers started their boats and tried to pull away. Some of the zombies seeing this realized they were about to get away. They began ripping off their own arms to throw air boat blades in an effort to foul them out. When it became apparent the safety cages were strong enough to protect the blades, the zombies started looking for something heavier. Arms stopped flying through the air, and suddenly zombie babies and children were flung at the propellers. The rotten body of an undead four year old slammed into the boat one of the boats, the blades fouled out as they mulched the body into a puree of blood, flesh, and bone. The riders were coated with four year old.
“Shit. Let’s go!” Sarah screamed, and looked up to the driver. The airboat driver was screaming as a toddler was chewing on his face. The airboat driver fought and screamed. He stood up and then fell off the boat into the water. Sarah didn’t waste any time. She leapt up onto the driver seat and cranked up the airboat. The other tourists that made it onto the boat were milling around. “Sit down you idiots!”
“Don’t tell us what to AHH! AHHH! AHHHH!” Mistress Bloodraven screamed as an eight year old zombie girl was flung onto her by her parents. The tour guide screamed and ran around the boat. The other tourists panicked and jumped off the boat.
“Fuck this.” Sarah screamed and accelerated the airboat. Mistress Bloodraven stumbled as the boat moved forward and fell off the boat. The airboat roared forward into the night.
“Do you know how to drive this thing?” B.J. screamed.
“We’ll find out soon enough!” Sarah yelled back as she readied herself to navigate through trees, floating logs, and other debris.
The airboat shot through the bayou. The water wasn’t very deep in some areas, and Sarah could see zombies heads and even their upper bodies sticking out of the water. Whenever she saw them she veered the airboat towards them, and seconds later there was a loud thump as the boat ran over a zombie’s head.
It was working well until one of the zombies was smart enough to raise his hands and catch on to the boat. Lankester “Bubby” Merrin, pastor of Livingston Parish’s First United Church of the Immaculate Mary, Joseph, and John slowly pulled himself up onto the airboat. His religious garments were shredded and filthy from walking through the murky swamp water. His body was bloated, one of his eyes was completely gone, and most of his nose and lips had been eaten away by hungry fish. He moved towards a defenseless Sarah. She couldn’t fight him off and keep driving the airboat.
B.J. grabbed a fire extinguisher. “Get back!” She yelled while swinging the extinguisher at his head.
“You cannnnnnnnnnnnnot sssssssssssssstop mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee. I ammmmmmm onnnnnnnn a mmmmmmmmmmissssssssssssion fffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrommmmmmmmmmm God.” Bubby’s voice slurred as he kept moving towards the helpless blonde.
“Mission’s over!” B.J. said as she swung the extinguisher with every ounce of strength she had.
Bubby caught it in one hand and squeezed. Some of the bones in his hand started breaking, but then the extinguisher made a low groan as he began crushing the metal with his hand. Bubby started laughing. The two women couldn’t stop him.
B.J. let go of the extinguisher and stared in terror, “Sara? Any ideas?”
“Don’t get bitten!” Sarah answered.
B.J. turned to stare at her, “Well duh! How about something useful?”
“Sorry, I’m all out of useful. All I got left is obvious, or completely insane.” Sarah yelled.
“I’ll take insane.” B.J. said nervously as she watched Bubby still crushing the extinguisher.
“You know where you got that extinguisher…there should be a flare gun around there. They keep those on these tourist boats in case they breakdown.” Sarah said.
B.J. scrambled around the boat looking for the flare gun. The extinguisher finally popped under the pressure, and nitrogen burst from the extinguisher and made everything hazy, but it was enough time for Bubby to make the distance across to grab Sarah. He yanked and she came right out of the seat and slammed onto the deck of the boat. The airboat kept going. With no one to steer the boat, there would be no way to avoid trees or anything. Bubby kicked Sarah a few times to make sure she couldn’t put up much of a fight. Then he leaned down to bite her leg. His mouth opened to chomp down.
B.J. ran and jumped, she twisted in the air and then kicked Bubby squarely in the side of the head. The pastor was rocked back and let go of Sarah’s leg. Unfortunately for Sarah, B.J. had to land somewhere. She came crashing down on the woman.
“Ow! Shit. You’re like all elbows.” Sarah gasped.
“Better than him biting you.” B.J. answered.
The two women got up. Bubby was still trying to keep from falling overboard. B.J. sidestepped towards Bubby and proceeded to kick him right on the chin with all she had. The pastor went sprawling backwards and splashed into the water.
“Where’d you learn that?” Sarah said in amazement as she scaled her way back into the driver’s seat.
“The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. I just delivered the sweet chin music.” B.J. said proudly before doing a full wrestling pose in celebration.
Sarah shook her head and laughed painfully, “You really are Bobby’s daughter.” Her sore ribs made it hard to breathe, and laughing was just agony.
B.J.’s face just glowed with pride. “Well duh.” She smiled. “Of course I’m his daughter. Who else teaches a four year old the cobra clutch.”
Sarah shook her head, “I still remember all the Halloweens you came dressed as wrestlers. You showed up as Hulk Hogan with your tiny stick-on horseshoe mustache, the Undertaker with your long coat, and my favorite was the guy in the blue mask.”
“The Blue Blazer.” B.J. said.
“Yeah. I thought you looked adorable like that.”
“I wanted to go as Shawn Michaels, but Dad never let me. He said if I did any of Shawn’s dancing or grinding that Uncle Colt would have a heart attack.” B.J. laughed.
“Yeah, he definitely would.” Sarah said with a pained smile.
The airboat sputtered and the propeller stopped turning. “Oh no.” B.J.’s voice trembled with fear. “Oh please tell me you just shut it off as a joke.”
Sarah looked at the propeller, and then looked at the dials. “No…we’re dead in the water.”
“Can you please not use that word?”
Sarah and B.J. stood there looking at one another. In the distance they could hear zombies groaning. “Maybe if we shut off the lights they won’t find us.” Sarah said.
“Do you think that will really work?”
“No…but it sounded good right?”
B.J. handed Sarah the flare gun, “Here, you probably could use this better than me.”
They sat there in the dark listening to groans as the zombies closed in. “B.J. no matter what, I want you to know that your Uncle Colton and I have always been proud of you.”
B.J.’s eyes watered, “Can we not have this conversation? It sounds like we’re giving up.”
“I just wanted to say that, and if I ever had a daughter I would have thanked God every day if she was half as wonderful as you are.” Sarah’s voice cracked. She was about to start blubbering.
B.J. wasn’t doing much better. The realization that they were just waiting on the inevitable was almost more than she could bear, “I used to stay up at night and wish you were my mom.”
“Oh B.J. that’s so sweet.” Sarah sniffled. “I’d have been honored to be your DIE YOU BRAIN EATING BASTARD!” Sarah screamed as she fired the flare gun at Bubby. The zombie pastor had been shambling his way towards them in the darkness, and along the way he’d gathered thirty friends. The flare struck Bubby in the face,
and ignited the methane inside the pastor. He exploded like a bomb. A fireball extended out, and ignited the methane in the other zombies. They all exploded as well, and a huge fireball lifted up into the sky.
“Wow…that worked way better than I would have expected.” B.J. said in awe of the giant fireball still rising.
“Yeah…problem is that it probably just told every zombie in two miles where we are.” Sarah grunted.
“Well since we’re probably not going to make it. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why didn’t you and Uncle Colt have kids?”
Sarah sighed, “We tried. I even got pregnant a couple of times, but I lost them.” Tears started running down her face. “None of the pregnancies lasted more than a few months. We finally quit trying because I couldn’t stand to lose another.”
“You’d have been a great mom.” B.J. said as she wrapped her arms around the blonde woman and hugged her.
Sarah wiped the tears away, “Well, anyway…I have a great husband, and I like to think I helped raise you a bit.”
“Please…you were way more of a mother to me than my own mom was.” B.J. answered.
Sarah grinned, “Well…thank you.” The groans of the zombies told them that they were getting closer. Another ten or fifteen minutes and it would be all over. Then they heard it. In the distance was a loud roar of another airboat. It grew louder even as the zombies got closer.
Finally they saw the lights from the other airboat. B.J. and Sarah jumped up and down screaming for help. The boat got closer and slowed down as it pulled up beside them. “G’day Sheilas…you coming our way?”
“Fish! Chips!” B.J. screamed as she jumped over to the other boat. She hugged both men and kissed them.
Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves Page 56
