by Lesley Crewe
Mom frowned at her. “Don’t talk about dying, please. I have enough to contend with at the moment.”
“I need a drink,” Kay said. “Can I get anyone anything?”
They all declined.
“More for you,” David said under his breath as she left the room.
He saw his mother and sister look at him. Henry slapped his knees and rose to his feet. “I’m going home to be with the kids.” He went out the front door and shut it behind him.
“Don’t look at me like that, Annie,” David said defensively. “She drinks all the time. I never see her without a glass in her hand. She’s turned into her mother, for Christ’s sake.”
“We’re all upset,” Mom said. “Just leave it alone. This is not the time.”
“When’s a good time, Mom? Frankie is sixteen now. Is that the kind of behaviour I want her emulating? Guzzling wine with her friends?”
“It’s not that bad,” Annie said.
“How do you know? I live in Quebec. You’re not at my house every day, so don’t tell me it’s not that bad. Colleen found empty wine bottles under the bathroom sink. She’s not stupid.”
Kay leaned on the living-room door frame, twirling her wineglass. “I turn my back for one minute and you’re telling tales. Perhaps they’d like to know why I drink.”
David stood up and pointed his finger at his wife. “That’s enough! I’m not going to be blamed for something I haven’t done. I was with Lila once when we were teenagers. Once! And you’ve fixated on it our entire married life! I even moved away from my home so you would be happy. Well, lady, things are going to change. I don’t give a shit anymore. Since you don’t believe me anyway, I’m taking my children and I’m moving back home, so I can be near my mother, my sister, my niece, and my nephews. I refuse to hide anymore. Why should I? I don’t get credit for good behaviour. You can move in with your family or stay in Montreal and drink yourself into a stupor. I don’t care. Your father can stuff his job. I’m going out on my own. I don’t need you and I don’t need him. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have been with my dad all these years.”
At this point all three women were standing in front of him in shock. He grabbed his car keys and slammed the door. He jumped into his car and drove as far away from them as possible.
It seemed only minutes later he was parking the car at the bungalow. He knew he stuck out like a sore thumb with his suit on. He avoided the people playing on the beach, edging his way through the trees and followed the path worn smooth by another.
He fell to his knees under the ballerina tree. “Dad. Dad. What am I going to do?”
The branches of the tree hid him from view. He leaned against it and rubbed the earth with his hands. Caroline was buried here somewhere. The only thing that made him feel better was thinking that maybe his dad was with her now. Even if Ewan was Caroline’s father, she was Lila’s child and David loved and missed her still.
The afternoon sun blazed over the water. He loved to swim on days like this. Instead he was hiding from his family, hiding from himself…lost.
A twig broke behind him and he turned around. There she was.
“I knew you’d come,” she said.
He reached out his arms and she dropped to the ground and held him while he grieved. As he cried, he felt all of the barriers he’d built up around him melting away, and by the time his tears had subsided, he felt as close to Lila as he had the last time they’d been together by the ballerina tree.
Eventually she spoke. “I loved your dad.”
“He was the best.”
“So are you,” she said softly.
David shook his head. “I’ve made a mess of everything. I ruined your life. I’ve ruined Kay’s life. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
She pressed his fist against her heart. “You didn’t ruin my life. You gave me my life. My daughter. What if she’d never been born? What if I’d never met her? I have you to thank.”
“Do you think she was mine?”
“My heart says yes. That’s all that matters. I ruined things, not you. I gave you up. I still can’t explain why.”
“Ewan’s a better man. You were always going to be better off with him.”
“Ewan is a good man, but David, I loved you first.”
Years of longing exploded then and there. It was as if they were in a breathless race against time. Someone might see, someone might know, but it couldn’t be stopped now. They wrestled on the ground, pulling and tugging to get rid of the clothes that kept them apart. They cried out in that shaded spot, whispering against each other’s lips, moving together like the tide against the rocks on the shore. The ballerina tree danced above them, the moss gave way below them; the sun warmed their bodies while the wind made them shiver.
David kissed her as if his life depended on it. Now she lay in front of him, for him, giving to him and receiving in return. He had no doubt now. She loved him. She had always loved him.
How do you leave one another when the hunger still burns? They stayed as long as they dared and made plans to meet at the crack of dawn. Lila planned to tell Ewan she needed to rest after such a traumatic day. She often slept upstairs when her mood was low. Ewan would never disturb her and so wouldn’t know she was gone so early. David was going to spend the night at the cottage but be at the tree before the sun came up.
He couldn’t stop kissing her. She finally had to push him. “Go!”
He weaved his way along the path in a stupor before locking himself in the bungalow. He fell into the nearest bed and sleep rushed up to meet him.
Lila was there when he returned the next morning, the sun still below the horizon. They never said a word to each other. She put her arms around his neck and he picked her up and buried his face in her hair. They collapsed on the ground and spent the entire morning holding each other tight. It was as if he wasn’t David and she wasn’t Lila. They were strangers, a one-night stand turned on its ear. They had no homes, no families, and no responsibilities. Tomorrow wouldn’t come. Nothing would reach out and touch them here. This was their world and no one was allowed in it.
When David came back to his mother’s house from the bungalow that afternoon, his mom and Kay were in the back garden and no one else was around. It was a lucky break. He quickly went upstairs and had a shower, then shaved and changed his clothes. He glanced at himself in the mirror and thought he saw his father’s face. Out in those woods there were no consequences. Now he was back in the real world and his guts tightened.
When he went back downstairs Kay was alone at the kitchen table looking miserable. The minute she saw him she jumped up and ran over to him.
“You’re right! I’m sorry. I’ve been so stupid, making our lives miserable because of my jealousy when I had nothing to be jealous about. Will you forgive me? I’ll stop drinking and we’ll move back here and our families will be together. It’s what your father would have wanted. I love you, David. I’m never going to make that mistake again. I talked to your mother and sister and they assure me that Lila is happy with Ewan and her life. I see that now. I’ve been a fool.”
She reached up and kissed him, holding him close. Her familiar scent moved him like it always did, but his heart shut down.
A few hours ago he hadn’t been a villain. Now he was fucked.
* * *
Lila watched Ewan sleep. He always worked so hard during the day that when he slept, he never moved. She always thought he had nice lips, not thin lines like some men had, but full, soft lips that touched her with tenderness. She moved over closer to him and kissed his mouth. He didn’t respond, just the same even breath in and out. She kissed him again, very quietly, with her lips pressed gently against his, as if testing the waters. How many times could she do this without him waking up?
Only twice more. He stirred and rolled her on her back, his body a familiar wei
ght. Their lovemaking was always quiet and slow; as if he was afraid her heart would race too fast. She tried to speed things along, but he didn’t notice. Before he left the bed he stroked her face. “I love you.”
“You too.”
When he left the bedroom, Lila felt that Ewan had failed her test—her unfair, underhanded test.
She went to the ballerina tree for the next two days, but David didn’t show up. She knew he was leaving for Montreal soon, and that made things worse. Finally on the third day, he was there. They ran to each other and held on tight.
“I was afraid you’d gone back without saying goodbye.”
“I couldn’t get away. I had to help Mom with Dad’s estate, such as it is. I’m leaving tomorrow.”
Lila let him go and wrung her hands, pacing back and forth. “You never said what we’d do. How do we do this? How can I not see you for years?”
“I’m moving back home.”
She stopped in her tracks, eyes wide. “You are?”
Before she said anything else, he took her by the hands. “Kay’s agreed to move back here with me. She wants to start over, but I can’t think about that. The only thing I want to do is move here to be close to you. That’s all I can offer right now. I have to resettle my family before I can make any final decisions. You do understand that, don’t you?”
Lila looked away.
“I know this is a terrible dilemma. It’s tearing me up inside. My dad’s dead, everything is a complete mess.”
She placed her cheek against his chest. “Not everything. You’ll be here and we’ll be able to see each other from time to time. Just knowing that you’re on the island and that you love me will keep me going.”
Once more the talking stopped as they breathed each other in. They were frantic, knowing it would be awhile until they saw each other again. There was no time for niceties. In a matter of moments, David had his hands in her hair, pulling her down beside him.
He passed her test with flying colours.
* * *
Colleen had never seen her sister so angry.
“Are you joking?!”
Mom and Dad sat on the sofa together, a united front. Frankie leapt up from the armchair and, for the first time in her life, couldn’t contain herself.
“You expect me to move to Cape Breton and leave my school, all my friends, and not to mention my boyfriend—”
“—since when do you have a boyfriend?” Dad asked.
Frankie turned on him. “You don’t have a clue about my life. You breeze in, you breeze out. You’re only thinking of yourself. What about Mom and the friends she’ll leave behind? And what about this house? Our hamsters are buried in the yard! We feel about this place what you feel for Glace Bay. Have you considered that?”
Colleen wanted to speak up and say she was absolutely delighted with the news, but she didn’t dare open her mouth.
“I want to move too, Frankie,” Mom said. “Don’t forget my family is in Nova Scotia too. When you get older you want to be near the people you love.”
“That’s crap!” Frankie yelled. “You don’t love your parents! You love Uncle Louis, but he lives in New York. Should we move there instead?”
Dad stood up. “I think you should calm down.”
“Why should I listen to you? You never listen to me! I hate you both!”
Frankie ran out of the room and slammed the front door behind her. They watched as she ran up the street.
Dad took a deep breath. “That went well.”
Despite Frankie’s objections, the move proceeded with unseemly haste. While everyone else packed up, Frankie lay on her bed and refused to get up. By the third day, Dad got mad and made her take the stuff out of her closet. Colleen offered to help.
“No, thank you. I know you can’t wait to get out of here, you little traitor.”
Colleen sought refuge in the kitchen with Elena, who spent most of her time snivelling into a tissue as she made Colleen’s favourite dishes.
“I wish you could come too, Elena.”
“I don’t think my kids would be happy if I did that.” She placed a plate of warm tea biscuits topped with butter in front of Colleen, along with her juice, before she sat and patted Colleen’s arm.
“I need you to promise me something.”
“Sure,” Colleen said with her mouth full.
“Always be proud of who you are—right this minute. Not someday or one day, but right this minute. You are a wonderful girl just the way you are.”
“Thanks, Elena.”
Mom’s high heels announced her arrival. She had a stack of wrapping paper and an empty box in her hands. “Colleen, we just had lunch not an hour ago. Is this really necessary?”
Colleen felt brave because Elena was there. “Yes, it is necessary. This is the last time I’ll taste Elena’s baking and it makes me feel better.”
“Fine. Just don’t complain when you can’t get your zipper up. Elena, I’m looking for scissors.”
“They’re in the cutlery drawer.”
“Ah, yes.” Mom got the scissors and left the room. Colleen watched Elena’s face as her mother disappeared. Wow. Elena didn’t like her. That was interesting.
The drive to Cape Breton was a bit of a nightmare. Frankie never opened her mouth or stopped looking out the window. At one stop Dad asked if she’d like an ice cream cone, but Frankie pretended to be asleep. Mom said, “Ignore her.”
Waiting in the store for Dad to pay for two large and one small ice cream cone, Colleen saw Frankie watch them from the car. For the first time in her life, Colleen felt sorry for her.
Moving from a large home in Westmount into their grandmother’s house was quite an adjustment. Not that they were going to stay there forever. Dad wanted to buy Mom a house she’d be happy with, and it took the rest of the summer to find one. In the end it was three streets away from Henry and Annie.
Everyone was thrilled, especially Grammie, who confessed to Colleen that having her whole family around made missing Grampy bearable. It was also Grammie, with her obsession for feeding people, who noticed that Frankie wasn’t eating.
“Should I say something to your mother? I don’t want to worry her.”
“Frankie’s in a snit. She’ll be fine.”
But she wasn’t. When she fainted at the supper table at Aunt Annie’s one night, Uncle Henry took her in his office and shut the door. They didn’t come out for quite awhile. When she did, Aunt Annie took care of her while Uncle Henry asked to speak to Mom and Dad. Colleen never did find out what he said to them, but whatever it was, it worked.
That night, Colleen peeked down the hall of their new house and saw her parents on Frankie’s bed, talking quietly to her. Frankie was crying but calm.
Colleen was glad. It made life so much easier when everyone was happy.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
1970
David raised a glass on New Year’s Eve to celebrate the new decade. Everyone was gathered at their house for the celebration. Even his in-laws.
“The past ten years have been a difficult time in the world. Three great men assassinated, the Vietnam War, the Manson killings…”
Kay made a face. “Don’t bring that up! It’s too horrifying.”
“Sorry, you’re right.” He cleared his throat. “For us personally as a family, the death of our patriarch is still difficult. We miss him every day. But there have also been hopeful times, like the thrill of men landing on the moon, and best of all…the birth of Leelee!”
“To Leelee!” everyone cheered. The five-year-old clapped her hands and jumped up and down yelling, “Meemee! Meemee!”
“So raise your glasses and let’s hope that the seventies bring us happiness and most of all peace. To peace in our world.”
Everyone joined the toast. “To peace in our world.”
“Knock it off, you knuckleheads, or I start telling the girls your dirty secrets!” Annie warned them.
“You wouldn’t dare!” Daniel laughed.
Henry shook his head. “They never learn.”
Annie jumped up from the coffee table where she’d been perched, cigarette in hand, and pointed at Henry. “Remember the time Daniel said he wanted to be a girl because his pee-pee wasn’t as big as John’s?”
The hooting that followed was deafening. David needed a breather. He went back into the kitchen with empty glasses. Colleen was by the counter with her back to him. He knew in an instant what she was doing: hovering over the pineapple squares Annie brought. No doubt she had one in her mouth now, which was why she wasn’t turning around. He never said anything to her about her weight because he always thought Kay said too much. There was no way of broaching the subject without Colleen flying off the handle. It was a topic that simmered under the surface. Perhaps if he talked to her, he could help.
When he put his hand on her shoulder she jumped and quickly wiped the crumbs from her mouth. “You scared me! I’m cutting these up for Aunt Annie. Do you know where Mom keeps the serving trays?”
“No.”
“She doesn’t even know where she puts them.”
“Are you okay, Princess?”
Colleen averted his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“You look unhappy most of the time. You can always talk to me.”
Colleen laughed. “Are you kidding? You’re never here.” She turned away from him and busied herself getting a glass of water from the tap.
“That’s not true.”
Colleen turned off the tap and gave him an incredulous look. “No one is ever here! Frankie’s at Dal with all her new best friends and her endless boyfriends who all think she’s fabulous, you’re always out the door the minute you get home, and Mom’s here but she’s not because she’s too busy lying down or having a headache. Do you have any idea what it’s like to live here? I miss the few friends I did have. I haven’t made any friends here and I never get invited out. Oh yeah, and I’m fat. Is there anything else you want to talk about?”
