Chad was asking Ray a question. “Is your wife giving you a hard time again?” Ray shrugged his shoulders and said, “What else is new?” They laughed and went off to get coffee with the thought of Amanda still lingering on his mind.
~~~
The part of the day Ray dreaded most had arrived. He was home. Home was a three bedroom, modest brick home they’d lived in for five years. It wasn’t huge, but Ray felt it was a nice home. Almost the instant he opened the door, his wife, Carrie, started screaming. It didn’t matter about what. She just liked to scream at him. He had stopped listening long ago. “I had a lovely day, thanks for asking,” he muttered to himself. He went straight to the computer. He wanted to check his email, hoping to hear from Amanda. She had sent him an email! “O Happy Day” he sang out loud. He quickly opened it, after looking to see where Carrie was. “Hope your day is a happy one,” he read. If she only knew that because of her, it now was. He hit reply. Thanks for the card. It made my day. I hope to chat with you soon. Ray. He was ecstatic. He’d continue looking for her tonight. He shut off his computer, and went whistling off into the kitchen to see what was for dinner. He hoped, for once, it didn’t have tomato sauce on it.
~~~
Chapter 3
Amanda had not been on much since she had sent the card to Maineman. She had been feeling a bit undecided about the whole thing, so shied away. She felt enough time had passed, and he had probably forgotten all about her by now. Still, her palms were sweaty as she logged on. She went straight to the room she chatted in and tried to get lost in the conversations. Kitcat was telling all about her new ‘boyfriend’.
“He is so funny, Mandy. He is sweet and loves music, and boy, can he cyber!” Mandy loved Kitcat, but sex definitely was her favorite subject. She was a therapist. She lived in Utah and used the term, ‘nutcracker’ when referring to her profession. She thought she was hysterical and a lot of fun.
All of a sudden, “HI” popped up onto her instant messaging screen. It was Maineman. She hesitated for a moment, but couldn’t help noticing the way her heart flip-flopped into her stomach.
“Hi stranger!” she typed. “Long time no see!”
“Mandy, I am so glad to see you. I’ve been searching the web for days, just hoping to run into you.”
He seemed glad to see her. She had to admit it made her happy, but also uncomfortable. After all, he was a married man. She promised herself, not to get too close. They talked about what was new in their lives, about their children and jobs. Amanda told Ray about her day at work and all the funny stories that her patients gave her on a daily basis.
“Wow” typed Ray, “you must lead an interesting life, Mandy. Speaking of which, and not to change the subject, but I was wondering if I could talk to you about something personal.”
Uh, oh, thought Amanda. “Sure, Ray, what’s up?”
“Well” he typed, “I wanted to ask you about divorce. If it’s too personal, you don’t have to, but I just want to know what its like. How hard it really is, and how much your life changes afterwards.”
Amanda was hesitant. What exactly was she supposed to say to this faceless man on the Internet? Was she supposed to encourage him, or should she try to discourage him? She opted to tell it as she’d lived it.
“Divorce is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It’s hard in all facets. Financially, it was a nightmare. Raising my kids on my own has been rough. All those things you hear about single moms…they’re true. Emotionally, it’s been draining. There is not a day goes by that I wonder what I could have done differently. Overall, I have to admit, I’m happier. I was miserable in my marriages. Both men were abusive. My kids were unhappy. As hard as it is on my own…I’m still happier. My life belongs to me. I can raise the kids as I wish and I can do what I want with my life. It’s lonely and heartbreaking at times, but I feel good that I can do it on my own. It took a while, but I adjusted. I learned that I deserve to be happy. Everyone does.” She didn’t want him to think she was an advocate for divorce, but she hoped he understood the gist of what she was trying to say. “Of course, every situation is different. I’m just telling you mine.”
“I understand, Mandy,” he typed. “You’re right. Everyone does deserve to be happy. Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like you have been through the wringer. You must be a very strong woman.”
They changed the subject then, and talked about whatever came into their heads, from their childhood to the present. Finally, Amanda looked at the clock. It was almost 4 a.m. “Ray, you must be exhausted. We’ve been up all night.”
“I am, but the time went so fast I didn’t even notice. I love talking with you. But, I’d better get to bed. Everyone will be up soon. Goodnight, Mandy.”
Amanda said goodnight and they both shut off their computers. When she talked to him, she seems to forget what his life is like in Maine; that is, married with children. She reminds herself she has to be cautious. She certainly doesn’t want to be a home wrecker. They’re just friends. She chants this to herself, as she gets ready for bed. She looked at herself in the mirror, and chanted out loud, ‘We’re just friends!’ She went to bed and repeated her new little mantra until she drifted off to sleep.
~~~
First thing the next morning, Amanda turned on the computer to check her email. It had become a habit, much like racing for her first cup of coffee. It sometimes made her wonder how healthy this computer was, because the Internet was like a drug, when you weren’t on it, you’re thinking about being on it. You want the next fix of attention, whether it is via email or chatting online. It was something even she couldn’t explain; nor stop.
Alex raced into her room, looking for breakfast. “Mom, isn’t this where I left you last night?” He shook his head. Hands on hips, he gives his mom his most serious look. “Are you obsessed, Mom? Was Elisa right when she said you were addicted to the net. Don’t you know what men are looking for on the Internet?”
Amanda looked at her son. He was a little man. She wondered whatever happened to that little boy with the big brown eyes. Now he was pushing six feet, with smoldering dark eyes. “Don’t you have a girlfriend you should be worrying about? I’m not obsessed with the Internet. I enjoy chatting. It gives me something to do.”
“Whatever, Mom, but you better be careful, there are a lot of weirdoes on that thing.” His serious look still on his face, he waited for a response.
Amanda wanted to laugh but thought better of it. “So I’ve heard. Don’t worry, Alex; it’s all in fun. Give me ten minutes and we’ll leave, okay?” She turned her attention back to her email, looking for a familiar name. She was surprised to see Maineman had sent her one, considering she’d just left him a few hours ago.
Hi, Mandy! Thanks for talking with me last night. It’s great to be able to ask someone about divorces, especially a disinterested party. Usually I have to keep it all bottled up inside. I hope to chat with you again, soon.
Love, Ray
Love? Did he sign that, Love, Ray?
just stared at this for a while, wondering what she should make of it. She decided to ignore it. Otherwise, she would have to admit she was in way over her head. She closed her email without replying. She went to make a quick breakfast for Alex.
~~~
The next morning, on his drive in to work, Ray thought about his conversation with Amanda. Does he really deserve to be happy? He was raised Roman Catholic and believed once married, you stayed that way. His vows meant so much to him, but his marriage had turned into more of a penance now. He’d tried everything he could to try to make it work. He let Carrie have her way on almost everything, even if he didn’t like it. Carrie was just as unhappy as he was, but also being Catholic, was in for the duration. Where was the happiness? He wanted to be content, to live his life to the fullest. Didn't that matter? He certainly wasn’t doing that now. He went to work every morning, drove home, sat down to a stressful dinner, and then sat in front of the television until the fight at
night as to where he was sleeping. This was not the routine of a happy man. His main goal in life was trying to stay out of the line of fire.
Ray shook his head. He did know what he wanted. He wanted someone to share his life with, someone who loved him and wanted him for more than his paycheck every month.
He decided it was time to take a road trip to New Hampshire. His best friend, Diego Cutler lived there; they had been friends since college. It had been awhile since he had gone to see him, he could use a weekend away. It would give him time to think about things. Of course, in no way could he tell him about Mandy. That would have to remain his little secret. He went to tell Carrie about the weekend, and face the music…or was it the firing squad?
“Why the hell do you have to go see Diego for the whole weekend?” Carrie was not happy about Ray wanting to go away. It seemed unfair to her that she had to stay home with the girls, while he went off gallivanting with his friend.
“Carrie, I just want to go see my friend. He doesn’t live across the street, so it makes sense to spend the night. I will be back on Sunday afternoon. Please don’t make such a big deal of this.” Ray was trying to get Carrie to be reasonable, which unfortunately, was like asking Attila the Hun to play nice. She continued to rant and rave. Finally, Ray said, “Carrie, I’m sorry you don’t understand that I need a break. I’m taking this trip. End of story.” Ray stomped out of the room as Carrie continued to scream at no one in particular.
~~~
On the way to New Hampshire, Ray listened to music, and enjoyed the New England scenery. It was the beginning of autumn, and the leaves were just beginning to turn the countryside into a sea of color. Orange, red, yellow and gold, it was breathtaking. He turned the music up loud, just the way he loved it. Every song reminded him of Amanda. He laughed at the absurdity of that and wondered when that started happening. How did a woman he never had met, or set eyes upon, have this effect on him? He thought of her non-stop. He smiled for no reason. He felt happy, which was a completely different feeling for him. He was afraid. He had to get a hold of himself. People did not fall in love on the Internet, for heavens sake. He turned the music up to try to drown his thoughts.
Finally arriving at his destination, he tried to get his thoughts together. He wanted to separate what he wanted to discuss with Diego and his predicament about Amanda.
Diego met him at the door. He was a big man, bearded, with a thick crop of dark untamed hair. He was the kind of man that always made you feel welcomed, always accepted you. It made Ray feel a little less stressed just to see the smile on Diego’s face. They’d been through so much together; it only made sense for him to run this by him. Diego had been in his wedding. He was the godfather to Glenda, and took the role very seriously. In a world where he was doubtful of everything and everybody, the one thing he could always count on was this man. Still, Ray wondered what he would think. “Hey buddy!” Diego greeted him with a big bear hug. “What’s new?”
“Oh, nothing,” said Ray. If only he knew. “How the hell are you?” Ray asked. They went inside, had dinner, and talked about old times. Diego’s wife was out of town, so it was just the two of them. As they sat around after dinner, the conversation finally at a lull, Ray brought up the subject of his marriage. “Diego, I wanted to ask your opinion about something. It’s about Carrie. Our marriage is in serious trouble.
Diego feigned ignorance. “Not with sweet Carrie?” He laughed. “She certainly isn’t too pleasant lately. Nothing like the girl we knew in college.”
Ray laughed. “If that isn’t the understatement of the year, I don’t know what is. I barely remember the fun-loving Carrie she used to be. I don’t know what happened between us.” Ray shook his head, “I’ve tried hard to make my marriage work. In fact, I think I’ve tried everything. Nothing is working, man. I don’t know where to turn. I’m thinking the only way to salvage things is to leave.” He waited for Diego’s response.
“Salvage things? Like what? You can’t salvage your marriage by leaving.” Diego was concerned about his old friend. Lord knows, he wasn’t a very happy man and hadn’t been in a long time, but he had no idea it was to this point. No doubt, Carrie must be hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis, and frankly, he had often wondered how Ray did it.
Ray took a moment to think about this, although he knew the answer. In fact, he thought about it every day. “I need to salvage what remains of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever had the chance to be happy. Yes, I’ve just gone through the motions. I live my life everyday as everyone does. I go to work, I love my kids, and I get involved in their lives as much as I can. But, I have no happiness with Carrie. We aren’t friends anymore; we share nothing, especially not love. I want to find out if the possibility exists out there for me to have that.”
They sat there, in silence. Finally, Diego said, “You have to do what you have to do, Ray. I’ll support what ever decision you make, and help you in whatever way I can.” Ray was so relieved. Tears sprung to his eyes. “Thank you, Diego,” was all he could say.
The remainder of the weekend was the usual guy weekend; food, drink and sports. They did go back and forth on the subject of Ray’s marriage, but in the end, Diego promised to stick by his friend no matter what.
Finally, it was time for Ray to go home. They stood in the driveway, both a little uncomfortable. Diego slapped him on the shoulder, “You know where I am.”
Ray thanked him, hugged him goodbye, and started his trek home. He felt so much better about things. He somehow felt more confident. He thought that maybe now, with Diego’s support, he could start making decisions about his future. It would take time, but the time had come to begin.
Chapter 4
Amanda and the kids were having dinner with Hilary. Hilary’s daughter, Susie, was entertaining them with her little games and toys. She was so cute.
Hilary spent a lot of time on the Internet…playing games and looking for interesting sites. In the midst of this, she asked Amanda how her Internet life was going.
“Oh the usual, I guess. I meet a lot of nice people online. My friend Hawaiianlover is coming to El Paso, and we’re going to meet for brunch. Won’t that be cool?” She was excited about meeting her friend.
Hilary thought it was exciting too, but felt she needed to lecture her naive sister a little. “You know that you do have to be careful, Mandy. People aren’t always who they say they are. Remember, you enjoy the chat rooms because you can be whoever you want to be. This probably goes for everyone.” Hilary actually looked concerned. She was starting to wonder if Amanda was spending too much time on the net. She came over less, and she went out less. Maybe she was obsessed. She decided to say something. “Mandy, maybe you need to get away for awhile. You haven’t had a vacation in ages. Maybe you should take the kids and go to California or something. You could go see the family and check out the theme parks. The kids aren’t getting any younger, and pretty soon they won’t be going on vacations with you anymore.”
“Thanks for reminding me, Hil,” replied Amanda sarcastically. She was a little shocked at this sudden change of subjects. Where was this coming from? “I don’t know. Driving to California on my own doesn’t sound like a thrill to me. What do you think, kids?”
Elisa and Alex were more than a little excited at the thought of leaving El Paso, even if it was just for the week. “I could visit the big mouse, Mom. It’s been awhile.” Alex scratched his chin as he said this, trying to play it cool.
She laughed at her child/young man but then looked at her sister with a frown. “Why are you trying to get rid of me?”
Hilary rolled her eyes. “I’m not trying to get rid of you. I just think getting away would do you some good; your eyes need a rest from that damned computer.”
“You’ve got that right,” agreed Alex, “she’s always on that thing.”
“Alright, let’s not go down that road again. I guess it’s unanimous…California here we come!”
Amanda’s thoughts were on Ray
as her family talked animatedly about the trip. Maybe with no contact for a week, the feelings she had about him would go away. She wondered what he would say. Oh my God, I’m acting as if he’s my boyfriend, she said to herself. She did need this vacation. It was late, but she decided she would log on in her sister’s bedroom. She entered 40s4fun and said her hellos. None of her friends was on, but she hung out anyway to see if Ray would come on. Kitcat entered the room.
“I AM SO EXCITED!” she typed. “I am going to go meet Rocknroller. Actually, meet him, face to face. Can you believe it?”
Amanda’s eyes widened. Was she insane? “Kit, you’re taking a big risk aren’t you? Rock sounds nice and all, but you don’t know him from Adam. He might not be who you think he is, and then what?”
“Oh for heavens sake, Mandy, life is all about risks. We’ve been chatting forever and we talk on the phone sometimes. He sounds harmless.” Kit insisted.
Amanda didn’t think flying to Florida to meet a strange man was the wisest idea, but she was a grown-up after all, and again, a stranger to her.
“Well, I hope you’re careful, Kit.” She was surprised at how nervous she felt for her.
“Thanks, Mom, I will be,” she responded. She wasn’t nervous at all. She wished she could be carefree like that. Instead, she was overly cautious, and overanalyzed everything. Maybe it was time for a change.
Ray popped onto her screen. “Hi Mandy!” he typed. “I’m back from Diego’s!” He was sleeping on the couch, tonight as punishment for going to see Diego.
“Hey there, Ray. Glad to see you back in one piece. How was your trip?” Amanda’s heart was doing its usual flip-flops. Ray proceeded to tell her about his trip and everything that he and Diego had said.
When You Least Expect It Page 2
