“I wondered why I haven’t heard from you. I guess this explains it.” She sighed. Will it ever get any better, she wondered.
“I know this isn’t good news, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. She says she hates me. It’s hurting my kids. I just want out. I put a deposit down on that apartment and next month I will be able to move in. I still haven’t told her, or anyone else for that matter, but I’m working on it. I think I’m definitely going to hate living by myself, but it has to be better than the life I’m leading now.”
She really did feel bad for him. She knew how hard this was, especially leaving his girls. Nothing she could say or do would help ease the pain of that. All she could think to do was continue to listen.
“Just hang in there. If in your heart, you feel you’re doing the right thing; things will work out. They will fall into place, as they need to. You’ll see.” She wished she felt as confident as she sounded. She knew he had nothing but hardship coming his way.
“I won’t be able to connect with you on the computer for now. I’ll call you from my office in the mornings before you go to work, if that’s okay.” Ray felt so forlorn. He just knew Amanda was going to get tired of this whole scene and give up on him. There were sure to be men more than eager to take her out and show her a good time. It sure would be better than this and he knew it. He wondered when she would figure it out.
“That’s fine, Ray. I’d rather talk to you on the phone anyway. You can call me whenever you want. So tell me, what happened with you and Carrie?”
Ray rolled his eyes. He definitely didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t want to re-hash the ugly scene at breakfast, or the cold shoulder he’d been getting since then. He didn’t want to have to tell her that Carrie thought he had an Internet girlfriend. He didn’t want to go over how miserable his life had become, just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse. To his advantage, his other line rang.
“Mandy, I better run. My other line is ringing and I had better get back to work. I have to earn that paycheck! Can we talk about this later?”
“Sure Ray. Take care.
“Bye Mandy.”
The abrupt goodbye made her wonder if Ray was dodging her. She shook this thought out of her mind. The last thing she needed to do was start being suspicious of him. She’d chosen to give him the benefit of the doubt, so she would…for now.
Chapter 14
Carrie lay alone in the darkness of her living room. She had started sleeping on the couch for two reasons. First, she didn’t want to sleep with Ray anymore. They rarely did anyway; she’d started locking the door so he couldn’t get in after she went to bed. The funny part was that he didn’t fight it that much. He’d question her the next day, she would feign innocence and he’d drop it.
Secondly, she felt that if she slept on the couch instead of him, then he wouldn’t have the opportunity to stay on the computer all night. He did seem to protest this more, but she just said she had housework to do, and he let it go. Maybe he liked having the bed to himself, who knew. She didn’t know what to do about her marriage anymore. She was at a loss. She did know she didn’t love the man. He was a good dad, the girls loved him to death, but they just were not a good couple. Nevertheless, as her mom kept reminding her…she was married ‘for better or worse.’ If they could just keep it together until Nikki graduated from high school, then she’d have done her job. She would stick it through. There was no way she would ever allow Ray to leave her. It was not part of the plan.
Carrie eyed the computer. What would happen if she went on as Maineman? Would his Internet slut talk to him? This was worth a try. She knew he was upstairs sleeping, and very rarely ventured out after going to bed. Carrie sat up and mulled this through her mind. If she did this, and it proved to be successful, then what would she do? Would she fight for her husband? Would she tell the woman to back off? What if it proved there was no woman, she would have acted like a lunatic for nothing, and Ray would be innocent. She didn’t like the consequences of either.
She lay back down. Would she really care if there were a woman? Was it worth staying in this miserable marriage just to make sure Ray remained at her mercy? He’d never leave. He didn’t have the guts. He did what was required of him, period. Carrie laughed at this thought. Her mom always told her the best husband was a beaten husband, and although she didn’t literally beat Ray, she knew he was a beaten man. She knew how to play the game.
~~~
Ray was on his way to his mother’s to take over a trunk full of his stuff. It was quite a load; he’d almost cleaned out his little den. Carrie never went in there, so he felt confident that she wouldn’t question where his things were. He felt a little strange about how deceitful this was. Who cleans out a whole room preparing to leave without telling anyone? He couldn’t come up with a better solution, so he stuck by his plan.
He had called Diego to update him on the situation. He asked for advice, but even Diego thought this was the best way to do things under the circumstances. He kind of felt like a coward, but he knew if he wanted out his way, cowardly or not, this way was for the best.
He knocked on his mother’s door. She was happy to see him. “Hello Ray. That’s a lot of stuff you’re bringing there!” She felt bad for her son. Even though she’d never been divorced, she could only imagine how heartbreaking it was, especially for the children.
Ray hugged his mom. She was almost seventy-five years old, but as wiry as ever. “I know Mom, but I promise it’s only temporary.”
“When is the big move scheduled for?”
Ray filled his mother in on all the latest details. She just kept shaking her head without too much comment.
“I hope you’ve thought this through, Ray. It isn’t going to be easy. You haven’t lived alone in almost twenty years; you probably don’t even remember what it’s like.”
“Yes, I do Mom. It doesn’t matter. It still will be better than the hell I live in now. The hardest part is leaving the girls, but since they’re very understanding about it, even that part is getting easier.”
“I don’t understand why they want you to leave. Don’t they love you?”
Ray groaned, “Yes mother, they love me. That’s why they want me to leave. They see how miserable I am. They’re miserable! Glenda and Norma just want what’s best for everybody involved.” Ray hung his head. He could say the words, but in his heart, even he didn’t believe it.
Joanne could see the pain in her son’s face. No mother liked to see that, no matter how old her children were. “I’m sure everything will work out, Ray. Things always have a way of doing that, even when they’re painful.” She put an arm around her son’s shoulder.
Ray looked up at his mother, touched by her apparent concern. His mom was not usually demonstrative, of either affection or emotion, in any way. “Thanks Mom, I can only hope for the best. I pray I’m making the right decision, for both me…and the girls.” He let his head lie on his mother’s chest, and for a few moments, was her little boy once more.
~~~
Amanda and Hilary were having dinner together. It had been awhile since they had done that. They’d missed each other and were having fun catching up, even though they kept in constant contact via phone.
“So how is Elisa’s big move going?” Hilary asked. She couldn’t believe her little niece was growing up.
“Plans are coming along nicely. She’s excited.” She lowered her eyelids so her sister couldn’t see the pain in her eyes.
“We’ll have to crash some of her parties! Now that would be fun, don’t you think?”
Amanda rolled her eyes, “Yeah that’s what Elisa wants, to move out and have her mother crash her parties.”
Hilary laughed. “No fun!” She pretended to pout. “Why did you have to raise such a bratty daughter?”
Amanda threw her napkin at her sister. “She takes after you, brat.”
“Let’s eat then, before I throw a tantrum.” The sisters put their arms around
each other and headed out to the dining room. “DINNER!” they called in unison.
During dinner, Hilary asked Amanda about her love life. She raised her eyebrows.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, if nothing new is going on that I don’t know about, there is someone I’d like to fix you up with. Just as a friend, someone to go to the movies with and such. He’s cute, Mandy. You interested?”
Amanda stared at her sister. What was it with her? “Well, nothing has changed in my love life Hil, including Ray.” She waited for the actual tantrum that Hilary had threatened earlier. She didn’t disappoint her.
“When are you going to get over that phase of your life? I can’t believe you’re still talking to him. Get yourself back into reality, girl. You’re living in some fantasy world, and frankly, it’s getting old. What does Ray do for you? Let’s see, he keeps you home nights, not allowing you to meet new people. What kind of friend is that? You don’t date; you rarely go out, what the hell? Enough is enough! I’m sorry I ever talked you into getting that stupid computer and using the chat rooms. Who knew you would take it so seriously. It was supposed to be for FUN, Amanda. Not for real! Get over it, get over Ray and move on!” Hilary was seething. The kids just stared at her, then back at Amanda.
“Mom, can we be excused?”
Amanda looked at her, “Go.”
They scattered like cockroaches when you turned on the light.
Amanda maintained her composure. She wasn’t going to let Hilary get the best of her. Not this time. “Hil, why do we have to go here every time we see each other? Just let me live my life. I’m sorry that you don’t like it, and some days, I’m not too crazy about it either. Nevertheless, it’s what is happening at this point of my life. I think it’s worth seeing through. I’m not dating because I don’t want to, not because Ray won’t allow it. That’s ludicrous. He’s a married man. I’m sorry if you don’t understand this, but it’s how it is.” She took Hilary’s hand, “Why do we have to fight about it?”
Hilary wasn’t about to give up this easily. “Fine then, Mandy, if you aren’t sitting home because of Ray, then you’ll go on this date.” Hilary dared her sister to say no. She planned to be all over her.
“No.”
“I can’t believe you! You just want to sit home and mope and be miserable. Don’t you?” Hilary was on her feet, ready to pounce.
“Get a hold of yourself! I hate blind dates and you know it. Do you remember the fiasco with Leeza? No thanks, not doing that again."
She groaned. Hilary was going to be the death of her! She called Susie into the room, “Its okay, honey, Mommy is just a little crazy. I think you should come and live with me, what do you think?”
Susie held up her hand, and with the most serious look any four year old could muster said, “No, Mandy, no.”
Amanda laughed. She was so cute! “Don’t you like Auntie Mandy?”
Susie nodded.
“Your cousins?”
Susie nodded, still holding up her hand.
“So what’s the problem?”
“No, Mandy, no!” Susie ran over and hid in Hilary’s lap. “I want mommy!”
“Well here is proof that there is no accounting for taste!” She smugly got up and walked out of the room, trying to contain her giggles.
Hilary looked at her sister, deep in thought, and then it hit her. “HEY!”
They flew into another laughing fit, this time with Susie included.
~~~
Early the next morning Ray decided to give Amanda a call. He hoped it wasn’t too early, but after his evening with his mother, he really needed to speak to her. The phone rang several times before he heard a sleepy hello. His heart melted.
“Good morning, sleepyhead. “
“Ray? Hi, how are you? She curled back under the covers, happy to hear Ray’s voice first thing in the morning.
“I’m ok, just needed to hear your voice. I hope you don’t mind me calling.”
“Not at all…is everything alright?”
“No, but I’m getting used to that. I moved some things over to my moms last night. My den is almost empty. This is slowly but surely becoming a reality and it really is scary.”
“You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t scared, Ray. It’s a huge step, and you’ve been married for pushing twenty years. It’ll fall into place.”
“That’s pretty much what my mom says. I just have to move forward as fast as I can. My apartment is all set, next step is to contact my attorney and get the date set to have her served with the divorce papers.”
Amanda sighed. “Yuck Ray, I wish I were there to help you through this. You could use a friend about now.”
“You’re right about that, Mandy, but I’m glad you aren’t here. I want this to be behind me if we do ever get to meet. I’m not even sure at this point that will ever happen. Do you ever think about it?
“Sometimes I do.” She admitted. “But I don’t know when or how that will happen. You seem so far away. It seems so far fetched to me too, sometimes. Does it ever to you?”
Ray laughed aloud. “Well, now that you mentioned it, I do wonder what the hell I’m thinking! If someone had told me last year, or even six months ago that I would meet someone in a chat room, fall in love and want to meet her, I would have thought them out of their minds! Sometimes I even wonder myself what I’m doing. But, on the other hand, I can’t deny what I’m feeling. Of that I’m sure, and someday soon, I’m going to figure it all out.”
It was her turn to laugh. “Could you let me know when you figure it out? I’d be just a little interested.”
“You’ll be the first. In the meantime, I’m just glad to have you in my life, especially with everything I’m going through. It’s nice to know that there’s a promise of a brighter future, Mandy, and that it might just include you. You give me confidence to continue. You make me want to make my life better. Thank you.”
She didn’t reply. The last thing she wanted was to have Ray making any of his life decisions based on her. They hadn’t even met yet! Could he possibly really be doing that?
“Well, got to go. I’ll call you again soon, or email you when I can. Take care of yourself, Mandy.”
“You take care, too. Bye Ray.” Amanda lay in bed for a few extra minutes, mulling everything over in her mind. Maybe Hilary was right and this whole thing was getting out of control. She refused to believe that Ray would leave his marriage because he met someone on the Internet. Why, that would make him a bit…psycho. On the other hand, maybe she was the psycho one. Either way, she was going to have to figure it out. For now, she had to get to work. She padded her way over to make coffee, wondering if Ray was everything he claimed to be. She went to the computer to send him a few thoughts, if only to get it off her own chest.
Dear Ray,
I don’t know when you’ll get this, but I just wanted to jot down a few concerns I’ve been having of late. I know when I first met you, you were already thinking of leaving your wife. Yet when we spoke the other day, you said you looked forward to a future with me, and that I gave you confidence to continue. I want to make perfectly clear that I don’t want to be a part of your decision to get a divorce. We don’t know each other, and for now, we are only friends. If in the future, something else comes from this…great. However, we shouldn’t count on that for now, and YOU definitely should not base any life long decisions based on it. I don’t want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage, nor do I want to be responsible for you being even more miserable than you are now.
I hope you understand what I’m trying to tell you. We can get into it further next time we speak.
Mandy
~~~
Amanda reread the letter that night she’d written this morning after talking to Ray. She felt better for writing it; she wanted to get her point across. She wondered when things started to get so complicated. It seemed so harmless when it first began. Now it was a mess. She sighed and, after another second of de
liberation, she hit ‘send’.
She decided to do a bit of chatting. It had been ages since she chatted with her online friends. Fortunately, it was a full house in there today. Her usual room was ‘40s4fun’ and she knew almost everyone in there. It was a fun crowd. She chatted awhile, until her eyes started to droop, and shut off the computer.
She went in to the kitchen to make herself a cup of hot chocolate. She used her favorite cup, the pink one that asked, ‘Do you think it’s easy being a bitch?’ She laughed every time she used it. Her best friend Kara, whom she had been friends with since elementary school, had given her the cup when she was going through her first divorce. She said that Amanda had gone from timid homemaker to adamant divorcee in less than twenty-four hours. Hence the cup. Kara thought being a bitch was a good thing, so she took it as a compliment. Kara had helped her through everything, had always been there for her, and was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. They didn’t live in the same city anymore, but they both knew they would be there for each other if the need arose. Amanda made a mental note to herself to call her and fill her in on everything. She would find it hysterical!
She filled the cup with the chocolate and a handful of marshmallows. She sat on her bed leafing through a magazine. She found herself having a lonely moment. Elisa was out with friends, and Alex holed up in his room. The only indication that he was even home was the bass sounds that came in through the walls. Alex loved rap. She didn’t really approve, so he kept it on the down low so that she wouldn’t veto his CD’s. Bright boy, she thought as she sipped the hot chocolate. She wondered if he would join her for a cup, so she padded off to his room, knocked and opened the door. Sure enough, Eminem was shouting about killing people, while Alex talked on the phone.
“Hold on a sec…yes, Mom?”
Amanda looked at her son, who looked annoyed at the interruption.
“Nothing, just wanted to say goodnight.”
“Oh, ok…goodnight Mom.” He went back to his call.
When You Least Expect It Page 13
