Ray could see from the gift area that Diego was getting too serious. He started walking back towards the table.
Still holding Diego hand, Amanda responded. “I don’t plan to, Diego. At this point, we just have to go with the flow.”
Ray sat down. “All’s well?”
The two responded in unison. “Yup.”
Amanda rose to go to the ladies room, giving the two men some privacy to talk.
“What was that all about? You looked so serious.”
Diego clapped Ray on the shoulder. “I’m just trying to look out for you, man. The bottom line is; she loves you.”
Ray’s face lit up. “She told you that?”
Diego could see the happiness in Ray’s face, something he hadn’t seen in ages. “Yes, she did.”
They both watched Amanda walk back to the table. Ray looked at his friend briefly and said. “I love her too, man, I love her, too.
Chapter 33
Amanda felt as if she were losing her best friend. As they sat together waiting for her plane to board, they were both quiet. They sat holding hands, and occasionally looking at each other. She didn’t know what to say. She felt horrible, and Ray looked just as desolate.
Finally Ray spoke. “This has been the most incredible weekend of my life, Mandy.” He took her hand in both of his, and looked deep into her eyes. “I want you to know that this isn’t over for me. In fact, it’s only the beginning. I’m going to come out to Texas just as soon as the divorce is final. I’ll come out as often as I possibly can. Maybe we can figure something out. This can’t be it. I can’t have found my true soul mate, only to lose her to logistics. We’ll work something out.” He held Amanda, the lump in his throat so big he didn’t dare say anything more. He could feel her shaking in his arms. He held her at arms length. She was crying. He stroked her hair and told her everything would be okay.
Amanda looked up at him. “How, Ray? How’s everything going to be okay? We live thousands of miles from each other! What if this is it? I wouldn’t be able to take it.” She sobbed harder.
Ray held her. He wanted to believe that everything would indeed be all right, but he at this moment he couldn’t realistically see how. “We’ll work it out,” he whispered.
Amanda’s plane was boarding. This only made her cry harder. They stood at her gate holding each other tightly, afraid to let go, afraid this would be the last time. They hugged until there was no one else to board.
She looked up at Ray, who now, was also crying. She touched his cheek with the palm of her hand, which he kissed, and her heart broke. “I love you, Ray Knight. I’ll call you when I get home.” She turned and walked towards the plane, afraid to look back for fear of losing all control.
She found her seat and buckled in, looking out the window hoping she could see Ray. She saw only shadows. The plane was ready to take off. As it backed up, she felt the tears rushing back. She didn’t want to leave! Why did this have to be so hard?
As they ascended into the air, she couldn’t stop her tears. She cried and cried. She cried at how unfair life was; she’d waited so long to find someone who loved her, who really loved her, and that someone lived across the country. It was far from her family, from everything that was near and dear to her. She could never leave El Paso. It was the only home she’d ever known. It was unthinkable. For the first time since meeting her Internet friend, she felt hopeless.
~~~
Ray sat in his car in the parking lot, trying to pull himself together. He couldn’t believe how emotional he felt, how torn apart. This was worse than never meeting her, far worse. Before, there was always the possibility of it not being real, of it just being a game. He enjoyed talking to her on the phone, enjoyed the anonymity of it. That was over. He’d met Amanda Herrez, and he was in love with her. There was no turning back. He had to be with her. He rested his head on the back of the seat. The question was how.
~~~
Hilary waited for Amanda at the other end of the country. She was so relieved that Amanda was coming home today. She’d been worried sick, and so had the kids, even though no one had really said anything. They’d all gone about their normal activities.
~~~
The times that Hilary had spoken with her, she’d sounded so happy. She’d been so excited about New York, and had loved Portland. She’d talked non-stop about what a wonderful time she was having. The whole time, all Hilary could think about was how great that was, but then what? He lived across the country. She could feel in her heart that Amanda had placed her heart on her ever-popular sleeve and once again, she was going to get hurt. There was no way she could carry on this long distance relationship with no end. Amanda was, for lack of a better word, needy. She needed someone close, to spoil her, to take her out, to do things for her; that’s just the way she was. Hilary didn’t think that she would move to Portland, she’d never leave her kids, or her, hopefully.
As the airplane touched ground, all Hilary could do was hope that Amanda had a good grasp of the reality of her visit, and that now that she had met Ray, she could put things a little bit more in perspective and move on with her own life, here in Texas.
As she watched Amanda step off the plane, she knew that Amanda was already lost. She looked as if she cried all the way home, as if someone had died. She waved to her sister, trying to get her attention. She tried to be up about her return, and just pretend she didn’t notice the sadness in her eyes, or the sagging of her shoulders. “Hey sis, over here!”
Amanda looked over at her sister, barely cracking a smile. She waved and walked over and the sisters embraced.
“I’m so happy to see you! We’ve missed you around here, girl! You must have jet lag after that long trip. I’m dying to hear everything you did, especially the X-rated stuff! How was Ray when you left?”
Amanda stared at her sister, exhausted by her rambling. “How do you think he was? How do you think I am?” Amanda shook her head. “Forget it, you won’t understand. Let’s just get my luggage and go home, I’m beat.”
Hilary sighed. Okay, so that’s how it’s going to be. She would be dealing with the melancholy sister for a while. Unfortunately, she wasn’t surprised. “Well, didn’t you have a good time? Why are you so down? You went; you saw; you conquered. You knew there was no future in meeting Ray, so just take it for what it’s worth.” Hilary knew this was too much too fast, but she couldn’t seem to restrain herself.
“Shut up, Hilary. For once in your life, just shut up.” ~~~
Amanda was quiet on the way home. She knew she would feel better once she was home, once she saw Elisa and Alex. They were the ones who grounded her, who kept her in grip with reality. They made her who she was, they always had.
There was a strange car in the driveway, but Amanda didn’t wonder out loud about it. Instead, she turned to Hilary. “Do you mind just dropping me off? I really am tired and just want to go in and lie down.” She tried not to react to the look on her sister’s face.
“But, I want to hear about your trip…”
“I know Hil. We can meet at Nene’s tomorrow for dinner, how’s that?” She was already out of the car. “Can you pop the trunk?”
Hilary did so, and got out of the car to hug her sister. “Mandy, I’ll leave you alone, but only this one night. I will not allow you to wallow in this. You knew the consequences of meeting Ray and liking him, so unless you’re ready to uproot your life for him, which I doubt, then just move on. Please don’t do this to yourself.”
Amanda hugged her. “Thanks for picking me up. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She picked up her suitcases and walked in to her house, well aware that Hilary was standing there watching her. She didn’t look back.
Once inside, she was delighted to find both her kids home to welcome her back.
“Mom!” Both kids rushed to hug their mother.
“Welcome back, Mom. How was Maine?” Alex had an arm around his mom. He had both missed her and been worried sick about her, although he would never
admit it.
Amanda smiled at her son, happy to see him. “It was fun. How were things here?”
“Elisa stayed here most of the time, and Aunt Hilary practically moved in.”
“Good. The house looks great.” She looked around for Elisa and for the first time noticed, there was a fourth person in the room. Standing by Elisa was a boy that looked vaguely familiar. She couldn’t really place him though. Elisa came over and gave her a hug.
“Everything was fine here, Mom, how ‘bout with you? You look so tired. We dropped over to say hi and welcome you home. I’m actually on a date. Do you remember Tom from high school?
Tom came over to shake her hand. “Of course she remembers me…hi Mom!”
Amanda did remember him. Elisa had gone out with him for about a week as a sophomore. She hadn’t really gotten to know him then, obviously, but Alex had stayed friends with him, so she saw him from time to time. She always had liked him. “Tom, you’re so grown up! How are you?”
“I’m good. Working and going to college. I’m living on my own now. Things are working out okay. I reconnected with your daughter, and she has agreed to go out with me. I must be a glutton for punishment.” They all laughed.
“You must be. Elisa’s grown up some too, though. You might just be pleasantly surprised.” She put her arm around her daughter. “Thanks for taking care of things while I was gone, honey. Anything I should know about it?”
“No, everything was fine. Alex was a pain, but that’s not new. How was Ray?”
“Ray’s a very nice man. I had a terrific time with him.”
“I’m glad, Mom. So the trip was worth it?”
“Yes, I’ve made a good friend.”
“Mom, I have to go to work.” This from Alex. “Elisa, can you give me a ride?”
“Sure, we’re on our way out too. Mom, I’ll catch up with you later. I want to know everything.” She hugged her good-bye. “You should rest, you look horrible.
Amanda laughed. “Thanks a lot. Now, go.”
They all three walked out the door, talking and laughing. She walked to the door and waved at them. She was happy to be back with her family, to be in her own home. She had missed the kids. She took a walk through of the house to make sure it was in order, her last stop being the phone. She picked it up and dialed Ray’s number. He picked it up on the first ring.
“You made it.”
“Yes, I did. I’m home all safe and sound.” She tried to sound cheerful, failing miserably.
“My little apartment seems empty without you, Mandy. I miss you already.”
Amanda fought back tears. “I know, Ray. My trip home was awful, I cried practically the whole way.”
“Who knew meeting would make things worse?”
She sighed. “I know.”
The two were quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts.
“Ray, I better just go to bed tonight. I’m emotionally drained, physically too. I don’t think I would be the best conversationalist tonight.”
“Me neither. You rest. I’ll probably be up for a while if you change your mind. I can’t imagine going to bed tonight without you. I don’t look forward to it.”
Amanda cradled the phone at her neck. “I’m sorry, Ray. Maybe we’ll have a better perspective in the morning. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Good night, Mandy. I’ll see you in my dreams.”
She hung up the phone without saying anything else. She couldn’t, she was already sobbing.
~~~
Amanda waited for Hilary at Nene’s sipping on a much-needed margarita. Her day at work had been atrocious; everyone wanted to hear about her trip, about Ray, about how she felt. It was the last thing she wanted to be discussing. Although she was excited to tell them, and hearing it repeatedly made it seem even more real. But, without fail, the last question out of everyone’s mouth was, ‘are you going to move over there?’ Her answer was always the same. No.
She sighed and dipped her chip into the hot salsa. She wondered if Ray would consider moving to El Paso. She looked around the restaurant taking in its culture, which she loved so much. She loved the sombreros and colorful serapes hanging on the wall. The Mexican music playing in the background, and the colorful uniforms the server’s and bartenders wore. It was all such a part of her. She’d lose that if she moved to Maine, but how would Ray feel about it if he moved here? It would be as big of a culture shock for him as it would be for her.
Hilary sat down, startling her back into reality. “Hey there, sorry I’m late.” She looked at her sister, who still didn’t look quite herself. “How are you today? Any better?”
Amanda definitely did not want to have this discussion with Hilary. “Jet lag is an ugly thing, Hil. They say whatever the time difference is between the two places, that’s how many days it takes to get back on track. So, in my case, that’s going to be three days.”
Hilary laughed. “Who’s they?”
Amanda rolled her eyes. “’They’ are the people who know, of course. Don’t start with me, I’m tired.” She waved over their server so they could order. Hilary ordered a margarita and a plate of tacos, and Amanda ordered a tamale plate, Nene’s specialty. She held off ordering another margarita, she wanted to stay awake for the inquisition, which she was sure this visit was going to be. Hilary didn’t disappoint her; she started right in.
“I want to hear all about Ray, Mandy. Was he everything you hoped he would be?”
“Yes, and then some. He was sweet, thoughtful and attentive. He was definitely not an axe-murderer like everyone thought. We had a great time together.” Amanda went on to describe New York, Ray’s friends and family, and all about Maine. She kept the conversation as light as possible.
Hilary listened attentively as she munched on the chips. “That’s great Mandy. How did he feel about you?”
She looked down at her margarita, playing with the salt around the rim. “I think he liked me, too.” The absurdity of this statement brought tears to her eyes, which of course, Hilary promptly noticed.
“What? Did things not go well between you? I mean, you sound like you had a great vacation, but the whole point of the visit was to meet Ray, yet you haven’t mentioned anything about him. Why does it make you cry?”
Amanda took a gulp of her drink. “Because leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I could literally feel my heart break as I boarded the plane. Meeting him was just a formality, I already knew in my heart how I felt about him. We ‘clicked’, Hil. Things just fell into place as if it were meant to be.”
Hilary could almost see her sister’s heart on her sleeve. She felt it was her duty to bring her back to earth. “You mean everything except for the few thousand miles between you.”
Amanda fought back the tears she felt coming. She refused to cry in front of Hilary. “Yes, except for that. It’s a technicality, albeit a big one. We’ll figure it out, one way or another.”
Hilary’s eyes widened. “Would you even consider moving over there, Mandy? You’d leave your kids, your family?”
“No, I wouldn’t. I didn’t say how we’d figure it out; I just said we’d have to try. Ray’s going to come out soon to visit; maybe he’ll fall in love with El Paso, and want to move here. Who knows? We’ll just have to see how it goes. Alex is in his last year in high school; Elisa’s already on her own, so at this point, who knows how things will turn out. Only time will tell.”
Hilary put her hand on her sister arm. “I just don’t want to see you throwing your life away waiting for something that may never be. You aren’t twenty-one anymore Mandy, you’re forty. Don’t wait too long or you just might end up all alone.”
Amanda was relieved that their food arrive, forcing the conversation to an end, at least for the moment. She asked about the kids and Josh, and gave Hilary the floor for a while. She didn’t want to talk about what a difficult situation she had made for herself. She was all too aware of it.
~~~
> Ray was in a funk. He sat at work and went through the motions, but mostly he thought about Amanda. He thought about how wonderful it had been having her visit. How well they had gotten along, how much fun it had been. He felt so lucky; and yet so miserable. On the one hand, he had done it, he’d found happiness. He never in his wildest imagination knew what true happiness really felt like. He’d thought at one time that he’d been happy with Carrie; that he’d loved her, but it was nothing like this. This was euphoria. On the other hand, there was pure misery. He’d never felt so empty, not even on Sunday’s when his girls went home. The loneliness he felt since Amanda had left was like a black hole; it never ended. The irony of it all was that although he had longed for Amanda before they’d met; now it was even more than a longing, more than an ache. His phone rang interrupting his thoughts.
“Ray Knight.”
“Remember me?” It was Carrie.
Ray froze. This was the last thing he needed right now. “Yes, Carrie, how could I forget?”
“Well it seems like you have conveniently forgotten that I exist, or that your children exist. We hear nothing from you.”
In a monotone voice, Ray answered. “I talk to the girls almost every day, Carrie. What seems to be the problem?”
As it turned out, Carrie had a whole list of problems, all that had nothing to do with Ray, but she wanted him to fix. She was on a tirade about what his responsibilities were, and how he was not living up to them. Ray listened listlessly wondering if this was ever going to change. He opted to change the subject. “Our divorce hearing is next week, are you planning on attending?”
Carrie was stunned for a minute, but only a brief one. “No. That’s exactly what you want isn’t it? Why, so you could cast me aside, replace me with Miss Internet? Forget all about your children? It’s not going to happen; I may never give you this divorce.”
When You Least Expect It Page 30
