“What exactly is going on here? Who are you? What is this crap everywhere, and why haven’t you been going to work?” She went to the bed and threw the covers off her. “You’re getting out of bed right now and telling me what the hell is going on.” She grabbed at Amanda’s arm. “Come on, Mandy, right now. You’re scaring me!” She started to cry.
Finally, this reached Amanda. “Okay fine Hilary, calm down. Why are you crying?” She got up to reach for her sister. “I’m fine.”
Hilary continued to sniffle. “No you aren’t. This room looks like a tornado went through it, and you look like a bag lady. What’s going on, Mandy, what’s happened?”
“Ray dumped me.” She walked into the kitchen to make some coffee. “The day he went home, he called me and said things were too hard for him.”
Hilary was in shock. “Why would he do that? He seemed so happy and in love.” She went over to her sister. “I’m so sorry. You haven’t heard from him since?”
“Yes, he calls, but I don’t pick up. Hil, he broke up with me! What more could he say. I don’t want to hear any more. Obviously, the long distance relationship is too complicated for him, maybe even for both of us. I don’t know anymore.”
“Okay, but why are you hiding from the world? Where’s Alex, where’s your car?”
“Alex took it. He drives it to work.”
Hilary didn’t think that was such a good idea, since she doubted Alex had insurance, but she chose not to bring it up. “Has he seen you like this?”
“Of course not. I get up and put on a happy face when he’s home, but as you know, that’s rarely. So what, you talked to Mariah?”
“I did Mandy, I was so worried. She’s worried too. Why didn’t you go to work?”
She looked down at the dirty pj’s she was wearing. “I’m not exactly up to par. I just couldn’t do it, Hil. I feel horrible. I feel like such an ass. Everybody was right about him. I just can’t face that.”
Hilary put her arm around her sister having run out of words to comfort her. She had to pull her out of this funk; she had to come back to reality. “Maybe you would feel better if you took a shower, or I could run a bath for you. Let’s go out Mandy. Go on, get dressed.”
Amanda reluctantly agreed. It felt good to talk to someone about this, instead of hiding her head in the sand as she’d been doing all week. She felt dead inside. Nothing mattered right now. She couldn’t even fake going through the motions of life and just wanted to hibernate. But she knew that wasn’t realistic. She had family who loved her, and a son to support. She could never get away with hibernating. She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She turned on the water as hot as she could stand it and felt it melting away the stench she had become. She wished it could melt away the pain, the agony that she felt too. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine that it could.
Hilary was in Amanda’s bedroom trying to gather all the trash that had accumulated. She couldn’t believe how bad it was. It smelled like old beer and urine in her bed so bad that it disgusted her. She stripped the bed of all the linen and went to put it in the wash.
The phone rang and she automatically answered. “Yes?”
“Amanda? Thank God.” It was Ray.
“No, this is her sister Hilary. Is this Ray?”
Ray didn’t like the tone he heard in her voice. “Yes, Hilary. I have been trying to get a hold of Amanda to no avail. Is she alright?”
Hilary struggled to keep her anger in check. “As a matter of fact, no, she’s not alright, far from it. She hasn’t been to work, and today was the first day I could actually reach her, and I had to practically kick the door down. I don’t think she has taken a shower all week, or even gotten out of bed. Why do you think that is, Ray?”
Ray was stunned. He had no idea Amanda was so bad. “Hilary, I had no idea. She wouldn’t accept or return any of my phone calls. I tried calling every day.”
“Did you not get that after you broke her heart she didn’t want to speak to you anymore? What is your problem Ray? You come here, you meet her family and kids, you tell her you love her, and you go home and dump her? She feels like an ass, but in all reality, you are truly the horse’s ass! Don’t call here anymore. You’ve done enough damage.” She hung up in his ear.
Amanda was toweling dry her hair when she thought she heard yelling. She stepped out into the living room to ask her sister what had happened.
“I picked up the phone. Damned telemarketers are so pushy.” She tried to change the subject. “Mandy, your bedroom is relatively clean. I threw the sheets in the washer. Damn, girl, were you peeing in bed, too.”
“No, I don’t think so. That would be too gross.”
“Well it sure smelled like you did.” She pinched her nostrils together. “You’re damned lucky I like you.”
Amanda giggled. “Thanks, sis. I feel a lot better after my shower. Let me go finish getting dressed, suddenly, I’m in the mood for a margarita!”
Hilary smiled, silently thanking God. “Hurry up then. I’m starved.”
She watched as her sister, who looked ninety-five percent better, walked into her bedroom. It would take some doing, but she was determined to help her get over Ray Knight.
~~~
Ray was devastated. He didn’t know which way to turn. First off, he had nobody to blame but himself, what had he been thinking? Secondly, he had no idea how to fix this. Hilary was right; he was an ass. Why did he think the only way to solve their problems was to break up? He was going to lose Amanda now, and that is the last thing that he wanted. He had to find a way to talk to her, to apologize to her, to convince her things would be all right. But how?
He decided to call Diego. He had to talk to someone, and he was really the only one who knew about Amanda. He dialed the number and prayed he would help him figure out what to do.
~~~
Elisa was on her way over to see her mother. Aunt Hilary had called her and filled her in on everything. She was surprised, she’d really liked Ray, and he didn’t seem the type to do anything so hasty. Nevertheless, Hilary had said her mom was devastated, so she was going over to keep her busy. She had some news for her, but was unsure about the timing. She knocked on the door and stepped in. “Hi Mom, I‘m here!” The house smelled delicious, her mother must have opted to cook for her instead of going out. She walked into the kitchen where Amanda enveloped her in a big hug. “Mom, it smells great in here!”
“Thanks honey. Alex is home too, so I thought I’d treat you both to a home cooked meal. It’s pot roast!” She lifted up the pot to show Elisa the roast with potatoes and carrots.
“I’m starved. It looks delicious. When do we eat?”
“Why don’t you set the table and I’ll start serving.”
The two busied themselves preparing for the meal. Alex walked in and watched from the doorway. “This is a sight for sore eyes. I’ve missed it.”
The two looked at him as if he had two heads. “What exactly have you missed?”
“My favorite ladies are preparing my dinner.”
Elisa and Amanda laughed as Elisa threw a dishtowel at him. “Don’t be so cocky. You’re washing the dishes.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Oh yes!”
Amanda smiled as she enjoyed the familiar banter between the siblings. “Okay, let’s eat.”
They sat down and continued with their sibling banter, talking animatedly as they ate. At the end of the meal, Elisa said she had an announcement.
Alex was quick to chime in. “You’re pregnant!”
Amanda took in a quick breath, and held it.
Elisa looked at her mother, who had actually paled. “Breath Mom, I’m not pregnant.”
Amanda exhaled. “What is it then?”
“Well, Tom has accepted a job in Boston. Right after he graduates in May, he’s moving, and well, Mom; he wants me to go with him.”
Alex looked from his sister to his mother. He did everything but duck.
“Are you co
nsidering this Elisa?” Amanda’s stomach had jumped into her chest. She felt like vomiting.
“I think so, Mom. I love Tom, and we’ve been discussing marriage. Odds are we’ll probably get married before we go, but since he hasn’t actually proposed, I’m not supposed to tell you that.” Elisa stared at Amanda, willing her to be happy for her. “I know it’s a sudden announcement, but it won’t be happening for almost a year.”
Amanda was silently crying. Unsure of which emotion had opened the floodgates, she said nothing. Her daughter was getting married. Her daughter was getting married. It was inconceivable.
“Mom?” Elisa held her hand. “This was probably not the best time to tell you, but I’m so excited, and I want you to be excited with me. You like Tom, right?”
Amanda got herself under control. “Yes, yes, I like him. I think he’s a great guy. Things are just happening so fast, and honey, you’re so young. I don’t want you to rush into anything because he’s leaving. Not to mention he’s going so far away!”
Alex concurred. “Yeah, Elis, Boston is so far. Why would you want to move so far away from the family?”
“I want to be with Tom. Mom, you married Dad when you were my age. You know what it’s like to be in love. I love Tom. I want to be with him.”
Amanda groaned. “Really Elisa? You’re going to use my marriage to your father as an example? I am too, for an example as to why not to get married so young.”
It was Elisa’s turn to start crying, more out of frustration than sadness. “Why can’t you just be happy for me? Mom, I want you to be a part of this, a part of us. Why do you have to fight me? I am a grown-up and have to make grown-up decisions, and when Tom asks me to marry him, I’ll indubitably accept, and am happily going to move with him to Boston. I have thought this through; this isn’t a rash decision. It’ll be fine, but Mom, I need your support.” Her eyes pleaded with her mother’s to understand. “Please, Mom.”
Amanda thought back to how hard it was when her father hated Randy, and how bad it had made her feel. She’d always felt caught in the middle between the family she adored and the man she had fallen in love with. It had been agony. She had vowed never to make her children feel that way. Tom was a good man, she liked him, and there was no reason to be acting this way. She just didn’t want to let go of her little girl.
She opened her arms to her daughter. “Of course I understand; give me some time to get used to the idea! After all, my baby is sitting here telling me she’s a grown woman. I have to adjust.” She hugged her daughter a little tighter and kissed her on the head for a long moment. “If this is what you want, then I’ll support you.”
Elisa cried into her mom’s shirt. “Thanks, Mom,” she whispered. The two continued holding each other for a long time.
“I’ll support you too, Elis. I think you’re crazy, but what else is new.” Alex got up and joined the hug, bringing a smile to Amanda’s heart.
~~~
Ray was miserable. He got up every morning, made coffee and stuck something in his mouth for breakfast. He did his job, although most of the time, his mind wandered and he had trouble concentrating. He’d pick up something to eat every night and take it home, only to throw most of it away. He sat on the sofa watching mindless TV, and then he went to bed.
He missed Amanda. He missed sharing his life with her. From discussing the big things in their lives to just joking around with each other. He missed her teasing him, and making him look at himself in a positive way. He missed her laugh. He missed making plans with her, he missed the hope that someday they might be together. He’d ruined that.
He dialed her number. He hadn’t tried in a few days, so she picked up. “It’s me, Amanda. Please don’t hang up.”
“What do you need, Ray.” She fought the urge to hang up.
“I need you. Please, just hear me out. I know you hate me, but I just need to explain myself. Just give me this one chance, Amanda, and if then you never want to hear from me again, I’ll let you be.”
Amanda fought the urge to cry. “I think you’ve said it all, Ray. You’re the one who wanted to break up, why do you insist on continuing to bring it up? You hurt me, and for no reason.”
“I know, I did and I’m sorry. I hurt myself too, more than you know. I was wrong, Amanda. I panicked. I want to be with you so much, and I just don’t know how it’s going to happen. On the way home from your place, I’d decided that I was going to move to Texas. I wanted it more than anything. I could see myself living there, sharing your life with you, and being a part of it. I could taste it, I wanted it so much.”
Amanda’s anger was flaring. “So, you wanted it so much, you then called me to break if off? That makes a lot of sense.”
“No, when I got home, there was at least a dozen messages from Nikki. She went on about how hard it was when I was gone, and how much she missed me. I realized then that even though I’m not living with her, she still needs me. I’ve left the house Mandy, but I can’t leave her; at least not now. She’d never forgive me.”
Amanda, touched by how much he loved his daughter, did understand; after all, she wouldn’t leave her kids. “I understand that Ray, but why break it off with me? I mean, here I was thinking we’d had such a great time while you were here, the minute you get home, you call me and dump me. Obviously, I felt I’d been wrong about our weekend; about us.”
Ray flinched. How was he going to get her to understand he did it out of his love for her? “No, you weren’t wrong, that’s just it. It was perfect. As I said, I wanted it to be my life too. If it were just me Mandy, I would have packed up and turned right back around. But that’s just it, it’s not just me, and Nikki is only fourteen. I know you don’t want to leave your kids, and I see how hard it is for you every time we leave each other. I felt at the time that I couldn’t ask you to continue doing that time after time, year after year. It’s too painful. You deserve better than that, you deserve the best of everything. I didn’t feel I could give you that, because I couldn’t give you all of me. I wanted to spare you, I guess.”
Amanda was speechless. She wanted to forgive him, but maybe he was right, maybe the long distance relationship was too hard, especially when there was no end in sight. She needed time to think.
“I love you, Amanda. You are in my every thought. I’ve missed you and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything else. I want to fix things even though I don’t know how. I want us to figure out a way to continue this relationship without us resenting each other. I don’t want to lose you, Mandy. You’re everything to me.”
This time she gave in to the tears. “I’ve missed you too, Ray; for all the same reasons. I need time to think. Maybe you’re right about the long distance relationship, I don’t know. Can we talk later?”
Ray whooped silently, he was getting to her. He was going to figure out how to turn this around. “Yes, call me when you are ready to talk. I’ll be waiting.”
Amanda lay in her bed trying to figure out her new dilemma. She decided to call Blossom; she needed some unbiased help. Hilary wouldn’t want her to move away, Blossom wouldn’t either, but she’d be more rational about it. She dialed her number.
“Hey girl! What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing.” She hesitated bringing up Ray, wondering if she knew he’d dumped her.
“So have you found a new boyfriend yet? I heard Ray got cold feet. I liked him too, you guys seemed good together.”
“I finally spoke with him today. He did explain to me what he was thinking. You’re exactly right; it was cold feet. He sees no end to the long distance thing, and he wanted to give me a way out.” She went on to explain to her exactly what Ray had said.
Blossom listened intently. She had no answers for Amanda. Either way you looked at it, she was going to be hurt. “What do you think, Mandy? Can you go on this way?”
“I don’t know, Blossom. It seems so hard some days, and I miss having someone to spend time with. But this time without Ray has also been so lonel
y. I miss him. Even when I’m with other people, I miss him. I don’t know what’s best.”
“All you can do is follow your heart. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, Mandy. You have to trust and have faith in your love.”
“What if my heart tells me to move to Maine?”
Blossom slowly inhaled. “If that’s what your heart tells you to do honey, then that’s what you should do. You’ve raised your children, you’ve struggled with life in El Paso, maybe it’s time to sit down and think about what you want; just you, not the kids, not Hilary, just you.”
“That’s a lot easier said than done. I haven’t thought about just me in so many years, I don’t think I know how. Every decision I make is with other people in mind, mainly my kids. Even the worst decision of my life, marrying Peter, was mostly about other people. He kept asking me to help him be a better person, which he claimed he couldn’t do without me, and I guess I fed off that. That and I could use the financial help. When it was apparent that we weren’t going to make it, I was embarrassed to admit to another failed marriage, so I kept trying. I was an idiot. If it had been up to what I’d wanted, me alone, I would have never married him in the first place.”
“What about now?”
Amanda was silent, lost in thought. “Now, the decision is based on my children, just as Ray’s is. Of course, moving across the country would be outrageous. I’ve always lived here, I don’t know anything else.”
She sighed. “I would be away from everything and everybody I know and love. It’s unimaginable.”
“Can you imagine a life with Ray?’ The last thing Blossom wanted was for her favorite cousin to move away, but she felt she had to play devils advocate. Amanda had called her for help, it was only right she help her weigh it out.
Amanda smiled. “That, I can imagine. Ray’s the closest thing to perfect I will ever find. We’re a lot alike. We have the same values, we like the same things. He cares about me, totally, not like the other two. He wants to share a life, not just have me in his. He makes a good living, so for once; I wouldn’t have to worry about that. Finally, I could have a man who took care of me, and not vice versa. I think my life would be so different, I can’t even imagine it.”
When You Least Expect It Page 38
