by A. K. Morgen
The boy’s mother began to back away from Fuki, casting brief glances over her shoulder. When she was far enough away, she set Aaron back on his feet. He turned toward Fuki and waved. “Bye, doggie.”
Fuki whined, sounding forlorn.
Aaron toddled away, his hand clasped firmly in his mom’s.
“This is why Buka sent him with you,” Ronan murmured to me. “He lacks the fear needed to survive in the wild. If he stayed with her, he wouldn’t be so lucky next time the hunters stumble upon him. Buka knew it.”
“I know,” I said, sad for Fuki and Buka all over again. The little wolf would never live with his pack mates again. Never truly know the wild again. And Buka did what any mother would do to protect her baby. She let him go.
“Do you?” Ronan asked. His expression was so serious, so assessing. Whatever he saw on my face must have satisfied him, though, because he nodded. “I think maybe you do.” He let go of my arm.
The young boy and his mom stepped up onto the sidewalk. Aaron waved at Fuki again, then toddled off toward a silver minivan.
“What’s your point?” I asked Ronan then.
Ronan turned his sharp, raven eyes on me again. “You think Sköll and Hati hold Idun captive, but have you stopped to think maybe Freki showed you that because captivity is all she knows? Until two months ago, she was trapped with no way to free herself. Even now she’s stuck in her cage, unable to do anything more than whisper to you. Maybe you saw Freki’s own desire for freedom, shared with you the only way she knows how.”
“I….” I hesitated, thinking back over all the times I’d felt Freki, and then shook my head, defiant. She might have been trapped, but she wasn’t mindless. She still responded when she felt Geri. She still tried to fight for him and Dace when they were hurting. She wasn’t so far gone as Ronan seemed to think.
“You’re wrong,” I said. “Freki may be stuck, but she remembered Idun.”
“Did you recognize her?” he asked me again.
“No, but Freki knows her,” I said, refusing to believe otherwise. Refusing to give up on Freki like Ronan seemed to have done.
I couldn’t free Freki from her cage. I couldn’t even communicate with her most of the time. But she was part of me, and I wouldn’t give up on her now just because Ronan said so. I couldn’t give up on her now.
Fuki decided the little boy wasn’t coming back to pet him and climbed to his feet before loping back toward us.
Ronan sighed. “Maybe you’re right and Sköll and Hati are holding Idun, but I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you’re wrong about her.”
“Why?” I demanded, glaring at him. I didn’t understand why, after all his talk about my instincts, he was so reluctant to believe me. And I didn’t like how closely his doubts mirrored my own. If Freki was wrong about Idun, if the goddess did choose Sköll and Hati’s side of her own volition… where did that leave Dace? I couldn’t even help him deal with Sköll and Hati. How the hell was I supposed to keep him alive with a full-fledged goddess on their side?
“Why what?”
“Why are you so sure I’m wrong about this?”
Ronan rubbed a hand down his face. “I’m not sure you’re wrong,” he said. “I think your dream probably does mean Idun is with Sköll and Hati. But you’re looking for a savior in the eleventh hour, and there isn’t one, Arionna. There never has been.” He shot me a look I couldn’t decipher. “No one is going to step in and magically fix Dace for you. He either gets it together himself, or he dies. You need to accept that before you get the rest of us killed too.”
“Well, I don’t accept it,” I snapped. “I won’t let Dace die just because you don’t like him.”
“You think that’s why I’m telling you this?” Ronan asked.
“Why else?” I glared at him, feeling belligerent. “You don’t care if he lives or not. You probably hope he dies before this is all over!”
Ronan eyed me. For a minute he looked… sad and disappointed, as if my angry accusation truly bothered him. And then his gaze cleared, that damn inscrutable mask of his slipping into place. “You’re right,” he said without inflection. “I don’t care if he lives or not. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when the rest of us die right along with him because you’re being careless.”
I glared at him, my hands clenched. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but I couldn’t. The fear he might be right choked me like icy fingers clamped tightly around my throat.
“We’ll stop in Dayton for the night,” he said, pushing away from the Yukon, then jogging toward the restrooms.
“Are you okay?” Chelle asked late that night, looking at me across the table shoved into the corner of our room in Dayton.
“I’m fine,” I mumbled, pushing my plastic fork through the gravy congealing on my take out tray. I’d eaten little, my appetite lost somewhere beneath the disquieting questions tumbling through my mind.
“You’ve barely said two words all night.” Chelle sat her fork down and leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. Her expression firmed and her eyes narrowed. The no nonsense look in her eyes made it clear I couldn’t stall her this time. “What’s going on, Ari?” she asked.
“Ronan thinks we’re going to die.”
“What?” Chelle blinked.
“He thinks I’m going to be the one that gets us killed,” I said, dropping my fork into my tray and sitting back. I looked Chelle in the eye, wondering if she thought the same thing. “He says I’m looking for a savior, and there isn’t one. He thinks I need to stop trying to save Dace.”
“He what?” She narrowed her dark eyes, twin spots of anger blooming on her cheeks.
“What if he’s right?” I asked before she said anything else.
She opened her mouth and then closed it, but no sound came out.
“Dace and I keep trying to save each other, and it’s gotten us nowhere,” I said. “I was so angry at Dace for doing it, but I’m doing the exact same thing he did.” I laughed bitterly. “I’m a hypocrite.” Worse, I was a fraud. I yelled and raged at Dace about putting Ronan and the wolves in danger, and then I did the same thing to Chelle. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing Dace, so I went looking for someone who could save him for me. That’s why I was really running, and we all knew it, even if Ronan was the only one brave enough to say it.
“You aren’t a hypocrite, Ari,” Chelle said, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. “You’re in love, and you’re afraid. We all are. That’s not wrong.”
“Isn’t it though?” I asked her. “I talked to my dad this morning. Dace can’t communicate with Geri anymore.”
Chelle’s eyes widened and I knew she hadn’t known that. No one told her either.
“He’s defenseless right now; all because I thought I knew what was best for him.” I swallowed against the urge to cry. “We’re all defenseless right now, and I don’t know what to do, Chelle. If I go back, I’ll get him killed. If I stay away, I may lose him anyway.” I looked up at her. “What am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered, frowning sadly.
Defeat coursed through me, burning like acid through my veins with each beat of my heart.
Why did everything have to be so damned complicated? Just once, I wanted the answer to be simple. But it wasn’t. I could go back, and hope for the best. I could hope that Dace came around and decided sacrificing himself for me wasn’t right. I could hope I found the strength to help him instead of being the reason he died. Or I could keep wasting time, looking for a miracle that probably didn’t exist. Neither led to rainbows and puppies. Neither saved Dace. And neither made my heart hurt any less.
What the hell was I going to do?
What could I do?
stared out the window, watching rain sheet down outside. Thunder rattled the cheap windowpane, and the lights in the room flickered with each loud clap. Fuki danced at my heels, growling each time lightning lit up the sky outside. He didn’t like bad we
ather. Neither did I. It was storming when my mom died, and again when we buried her.
I watched the tempest rage anyway, my forehead pressed to the cool glass. Every exhalation caused a little patch of the window to fog over, warm air fighting the cold for dominion over that one small spot of glass. The heater in the room was cranked to full blast, but wind whistled beneath the door, kicking up a draft that made the paper-thin curtains sway back and forth.
We’d been in Indiana for an entire day, but we hadn’t gone anywhere near the campus or Dr. Michel. Ronan was waiting, I think, to see what choice I would make. I hadn’t made one yet. How could I when neither choice led anywhere good? When both led to living without my heart?
I wanted Ronan to be wrong. Everything in me wanted him to be wrong, but I couldn’t stop the little voice inside whispering that maybe he was right. Maybe the only way to win this time was to stop running and accept whatever came. Accept that the only chance we had of winning was to fight, knowing the best we could hope for was to weaken Sköll and Hati and send them back wherever they came from. And to fight, knowing that people we loved might die anyway.
Sköll and Hati were stronger than us. They were smarter than us. But repeating those words a thousand times didn’t make the truth any easier to digest. It really was our lives for the world. Exactly like I had told Dace so many days ago.
When it came right down to it, I didn’t want to accept the truth anymore than he did.
“Can you watch Fuki for a little while?” I asked, turning to Chelle.
She was seated on the bed, the paisley comforter over her legs.
She glanced up from the small television set. “Huh?”
“Can you watch Fuki?” I asked again.
“Um….” She furrowed her brow as if uncertain if she could watch him or not. “Where are you going?”
“To get some coffee,” I nodded vaguely in the direction of the diner on the opposite side of the street. “I need a change of scenery.”
“Oh.” Chelle bit her lip, looked at Fuki, and then nodded.
I grabbed my coat.
“Do you want me to call Ronan to go with you?”
My fake smile slipped. “No.”
“You have to talk to him eventually, Ari.”
“I know,” I said, pushing my arms through my coat sleeves. “Just… not yet.”
Chelle sighed and then nodded. “Be careful out there. The news says the storm is going to get worse.”
Wasn’t that the story of my life? Things always got worse.
There was probably a lesson in there somewhere, but I didn’t really want to learn it. I wanted to do… something. All we’d done for days was drive and wait. And now we were here, and we were waiting again. Waiting for me to grow up and make a choice.
Well, I was tired of waiting.
“I will,” I promised, grabbing one of the keycards off the flimsy desk before heading toward the door. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”
Chelle nodded.
Fuki yipped when I reached the door, thumping his tail against the edge of the desk. He wanted to go with me.
“Stay,” I demanded.
He lowered his head and whined.
“Come on, Fuki,” Chelle cooed, patting the bed beside her. “You can keep me company.”
The little wolf looked between the two of us and then huffed at me before trotting back to Chelle’s side.
I let myself out, fighting against the wind to pull the door closed behind me. Cold rain slapped me in the face, the drops stinging where they struck. Little more than the safety railing in front of me was visible in the downpour.
I jerked my hood over my head and hunched my shoulders before grasping the railing and starting forward, searching blindly for the stairs. I barely planted my foot on the top step when Ronan appeared beside me like a wraith. He wore no coat, nothing to protect him from the rain pelting us from all sides.
“So you’re going to keep running,” he said.
“I’m going to see Dr. Michel,” I said. “Go away.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“I’m going alone.”
He looked at me, rain pouring down his face. “You know he can’t help you. You knew it before we left Beebe.”
“Maybe you’re wrong,” I lied. Dr. Michel couldn’t help us anymore than I could stroll up to Sköll and Hati and talk them out of their destiny. Going to see the Professor was a fool’s errand, just as it had been from the very beginning, but I didn’t want to admit that to Ronan even if I knew it myself.
“I’m not wrong, and you know I’m not.”
I ignored him, and started down the stairs, grasping the railing so I didn’t fall.
Ronan followed behind me, the stairs vibrating beneath my feet at his heavy footfalls. Mine were unsteady on the slippery cement, but somehow, I made it to the bottom without falling.
I turned into the rain, pushing blindly forward.
“Go back to your room before you hurt yourself, Arionna.”
I jerked to a stop and glared up at Ronan. He stared down at me, his expression dark. Something lingered in his gaze, concern flickering in the depths of his black eyes.
I think he actually cared if I hurt myself.
“Leave me alone,” I muttered without heat, momentarily taken off guard by the worry on his face. I stiffened my spine, refusing to be swayed. He was still Ronan, still the raven of memory. The one who could tear a person apart without remorse. Somewhere in the last few weeks, I’d forgotten that.
“No.”
“Why are you even here?” Tears dripped down my face, but I knew Ronan wouldn’t see them. Not even his perceptive, bird eyes could tell the difference between the deluge of rain pummeling us and the tears clouding my vision.
“You need me here,” he said.
I glared at him. I didn’t need him here. Right now, I didn’t even want him here.
“What happened to you?” he asked, water running down his face too.
“Nothing happened to me,” I snapped.
“You were always stronger than Dace. No matter the odds, you never gave up. Even when Freki started failing, you kept fighting.” He shook his head. “And now you’ve quit. You’ve given up.”
“You told me to give up,” I reminded him, dashing at my eyes to clear my view of him.
“No, I didn’t.” He looked at me, a mixture of pity and disgust in his eyes. “I told you what you needed to hear.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Reality, Arionna,” he said. “I’m talking about reality.”
I didn’t understand him, and I was so tired of trying. “Did you know before we left that Dace wouldn’t be able to communicate with Geri if I wasn’t there?”
His silence spoke volumes.
I balled my fist up and punched him as hard as I could.
His nose crunched beneath my hand and blood flew, splattering us both as his head jerked backward. A curse tumbled from his lips.
“I hate you,” I whispered when his eyes met mine again. “I really hate you.”
He reached up to wipe away the blood trickling from his nose. “No, you don’t. You just wish you did.”
I glared at him, trying to decide if I wanted to hit him again or not.
“How could you?” I seethed. “Why?”
He sighed as if his patience with me had finally run out. “Have you heard nothing I’ve said to you? I’m trying to help you.”
“Help me?” I laughed, the sound bordering on the edge of hysteria. “How have you helped me, Ronan? You lied to me,” I whispered, my throat raw. “You let me believe leaving would help him.”
Ronan shook his head, flinging drops of water and blood this way and that. “You still don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?” I yelled, frustration boiling over. “What the hell am I supposed to get, Ronan?”
How could he stand there and tell me I didn’t get it? I understood better than anyone what we stood to lose.
Fenrir haunted my dreams, not his. Hati nearly killed me, not him. I “got it” a whole hell of a lot better than he thought I did.
“Dace is going to die, just like you said.” I clutched my stomach, fighting to breathe through the sobs threatening to tear me in half.
“Then do something about it,” Ronan snapped, narrowing his eyes. He looked terrifying with blood and water dripping down his face in tandem. He crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing me sideways. “You’re so wrapped up in trying to find someone to save Dace, you can’t even see what’s right in front of you. There’s no one else out there who can save Dace because he doesn’t care about anyone else, Arionna. He cares about you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop doubting yourself, and listen to me. Listen, dammit!”
His shout reverberated like the strike of lightning, shaking me to my core. I’d never heard him yell before. Even when Dace was in his face, screaming at him, Ronan never shouted back.
I gaped, stunned into silence in that moment when his shout bounced off raindrops and echoed in the parking lot around us.
“I’m listening,” I whispered when I found my voice again.
“I don’t know if you can save him this time,” Ronan said, no longer shouting at me. “But he isn’t the only one in danger here. Dani’s sisters are being targeted, and they need you, too. Dace made his choice. Now you need to make yours. Is saving your boyfriend really worth the lives of your friends? Is that the kind of person you want to be?”
For a heartbeat, I considered telling Ronan to go to hell. I thought about making the same choice Dace had, and saying to hell with everyone else. I didn’t ask for this responsibility, and I didn’t want it any more than he did. I wanted to be selfish.
But then I thought of Chelle and the sister she left behind to follow me. I thought of Buka and her selfless choice to let Fuki go. Of Kalei, who could lose her entire pack before all was said and done. I even thought of Ronan, who had his heart ripped out when Dani died, but still found a way to keep fighting. And I knew there was no choice, not really. Like Ronan said, my friends needed me, and that meant something.
