"Well, now that you put it that way, Flying Spaghetti Monsters don't seem all that strange.” I replied playfully.
Finn grabbed my hand. “That makes sense, but the thing is, this all may seem crazy to us but to a lot of people it brings them peace, makes them feel whole. Gives them purpose. It’s not up to anyone to decide what’s crazy and what’s not. If it makes someone feel whole then more power to them.”
“What religion did you grow up in?” I asked realizing I had no idea if Finn’s family were people of faith or not.
Finn grimaced. “Uh, the kind that goes to church on Easter and Christmas but only if the parking lot wasn’t too full and we didn’t have to park in the mud across the street.” He sat up and pushed my hair off my shoulder, tracing my collarbone with his finger. "What’s really going on with the religious stuff, Say? You want to talk about it?”
I decided to go with the truth since anything else would sound even more strange. "I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s scary not having a faith, but freeing at the same time. It’s like I’ve got this chance to live my life on my own terms and by knowing all there is to know I won’t feel like there is a small piece of me missing,” I confessed. “I'm not a hundred percent sure, though. Maybe, I thought that if I read more—studied up on the religions of the world, then suddenly everything would make sense to me. But it doesn't. None of them actually make any sense to me at all.”
"The people of those religions think they make perfect sense," he countered.
"Yes, that's the thing. They all have faith in what they believe and they all think they are right and they call it faith. I know about faith. The dictionary calls it confidence and belief in something based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. But with all the religions out there in the world, some of them must be wrong. Am I right? I mean, if there is one absolute than most of them have to be wrong."
Finn shrugged and rested his stubbly chin on my bare shoulder. "But what if they're all right?" he kissed the space between my neck and shoulder and I relaxed into his touch.
I smiled. "Then may the Spaghetti Monster bless us all."
Finn chuckled before his smile faded and his tone turned more serious. "Do you miss it? At least, parts of it? Your past, I mean?”
"No!" I said with a lot more force than I intended. "I mean, I felt like an outsider in the church because I was one. I couldn't fall in line and just blindly believe. And out here, as much as I love it, I still feel like an outsider. Every time Miller brings up a TV show or a reference to something I don't understand it's just a reminder that I didn't come from this world,” I explained.
Finn remained quiet for a moment, staring at the ground.
“What?” I asked, wondering what was on his mind.
He blinked and looked back up at me. “Just had an idea…”
“And…”
He waved it off. “I’ll tell you later. In the meantime, please don't base anything on Miller or what he says. He once called in sick to work to watch three days of a reality TV show about wives in Mississippi." He laced his fingers with mine. I loved how large his hand was compared to mine. His tanned against my pale.
"I just...I want to know things,” I said. “Arm myself with knowledge. Figure out where it all came from and make my own decision about what I want to believe. If anything."
Finn nodded and there was another look on his face. Pride? "I think that’s a great idea. Research it all and let me know when the Flying Pasta Monster service starts.” He planted a quick kiss on my lips.
"Flying Spaghetti Monster," I corrected.
"That's so specific." Finn chuckled, pulling me up onto his lap.
"I was thinking of writing it all down in like a diary or journaling. That way I can remember everything I learn and make notes."
"What about a blog?" Finn suggested.
"A blog?" I wrinkled my nose, unfamiliar with the term.
"Yeah, it's like writing to a diary or a journal except you post it online that way more people have access to it. They can learn from it as you learn from it. I think you'd be pretty great at it and I can help you put it together if you want."
"You'd do that? For me?" I asked, my heart fluttering and my skin warming under his touch.
"Don't you know by now?" Finn breathed, his gaze locked on mine. "I'd do anything for you."
My entire body shuddered against him as he pressed a kiss to my neck. Then, ever so slowly, he traced the outside of my ear with the tip of his tongue. Everything within me came alive. "What are you doing?" I asked, breathlessly.
"I'm helping," he insisted. "You want religion?" Finn pushed back a lock of my hair. "Then I'll get on my knees and worship you for the rest of my life. You want to save someone? You've already done it. You saved me. You want heaven?" His hand skated up the back of my skirt. I shivered. His deep voice hummed in my ear. "I'll take you there right now."
I ached for him to touch me. To give me more than just his delicious words. "Yes. Heaven. Please.” I gasped as he hooked his fingers inside my panties and pulled them to the side.
"So wet for me," he groaned. He unbuckled his jeans and lifted his hips to push them down. He set me on my back making me brace myself on the edge of the dock. He didn’t take his eyes off mine when he thrust inside of me, sending my spine arching off the dock as a bolt of pleasure shot through me.
"Fuck that's so good. You're so good. Every time. Every fucking time," Finn groaned.
I pushed back against him as he took me quick and hard. It didn't take me long for the pleasure to burst inside of me. I saw stars. After a few furious strokes Finn followed me over the edge and I relished the feeling of his hot release filling me.
We collapsed on top of the picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Finn rested his chest against my back without pulling out of my body.
"You know, I'm a sinner now. Probably even going to hell," I whispered, bringing his attention to the bible my hand was still pressed against.
"That's not true," Finn argued, still trying to catch his breath.
"How can you be so sure?"
Finn rocked forward and I was instantly reminded he was still inside of me. "Because, you feel like heaven to me."
"Tell me more about how you grew up. Tell me how it was so different from here." Finn said as he traced lazy circles on my back and over the globes of my butt cheeks.
"You know most of it already." I said, turning to him. We were in his bed in the cabin after moving inside from the dock and quickly deciding we were nowhere near done with one another.
"Yes, but I want to know everything. What makes you YOU. Good or bad it made you who you are and I, for one, love who you are."
"You do?" I asked, although he'd already told me I never grew tired of hearing it. With Finn, I felt warm from the inside out. My entire being reacted to him from my nose to my toes. From my heart to my soul.
"I do. I love you. Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily. Always."
"That was beautiful."
"You're beautiful," he said, leaning in to kiss my shoulder. He continued to trace every little freckle and mole on my body.
"You know, if you keep tracing them all then we are going to be here for a while," I pointed out.
His dimple appeared with his smile. "I'm counting on it. Now. Talk."
I thought for a moment. I felt vulnerable opening up to him. I’d left out most of the details about my life although he knew the short version. It was almost as if I were keeping it to myself because it was my cross to bear and I didn’t want to burden anyone else with it.
"I guess it was like living in a different universe. One where every day was the same. We didn't celebrate holidays or birthdays. I didn't understand if it was my house that was different because of my father's strictness and temper or if every family in the church was that way. Every day we lived the same lie over and over again. The lie that the church was about family. Family above all others. The most important thing in the world next to God him
self. And who knows, maybe in other houses, in other families, they were different behind closed doors. Loving. Kind. Maybe they let the women eat at the same table or look them in the eye."
Finn's tracing paused then started again.
I continued. "Maybe their daughters could speak without having the man of the house's permission first. Maybe they didn't use physical force to discipline the poor dim-witted females whose only purpose in life was to have and raise the babies and serve their husbands."
I shuttered.
"That must have been rough."
"I grew numb to it after a while. It was the only life I knew. There were days that I'd sit in my room and feel guilty for wanting to leave. For wanting a different life. I thought it was selfish and that by not putting others before myself I was the biggest sinner of them all. And now I know how brave and selfless she was. Maybe I was the biggest sinner after all."
Finn laid down next to me facing sideways with his head on the pillow and his hand on my waist. "But you did put others before yourself. You stayed, didn't you? For your mom? She stayed for you and you stayed for her. She wasn't the only brave one. You were both brave. For one another."
"You think so?"
"Say, we're all selfish in some way. It's human nature. I'm selfish because I claimed you before you had a chance to experience this world and find someone better. Think about it this way. If I wasn't the selfish prick I am, we wouldn't even be together." He cupped my face in his hand. "But it doesn't matter. Because I'm never letting you go."
Finn climbed over me, trailing kisses down my body past my belly button then lower and lower still. The entire time between kisses and nips he repeated his earlier words.
"I love you. Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily. Always."
Chapter 8
Sawyer
"Don't go anywhere alone. Promise me," Finn said with his hand possessively draped over my leg. There was nothing about his demeanor to suggested he was joking and I had a feeling he wasn't going to let me out of the car until I agreed.
"I won't," I said, not wanting to make him worry. “I promise.”
Finn leaned over to me and pressed a kiss to my temple. "Thank you.”
I blushed. "I'm going upstairs to Josh's apartment and then she is going to take me to the library." I got out of the car and shut the door.
"I’ll pick you up. That gives me time to get everything ready for our trip," Finn said, casually tossing out the idea I'd never heard him speak of before while backing up the car.
"What trip?" I called out over the sound of his roaring engine and the tires rolling over rock and gravel.
"What?" he yelled back, cupping his ear and smiling from ear to ear. “I can’t hear you?”
"What trip?" I yelled louder.
He put the truck in drive and flashed me a wink before taking off.
"Oh shit," Josh called out, I spun to find her leaning over the third story balcony of her apartment building. I figured she was there because Finn wouldn't have driven off otherwise. “Sounds like Finn’s up to no good.”
It had been a few days since I last spoke to Josh. Although Finn had filled her in on all that was going on, I felt like there was a gap in my life that needed to be filled by a few minutes in her company.
"Why is your face doing that weird thing where you don't blink. Are your eyeballs gonna fall out? 'Cause a warning would be nice. Or...shit. Are you gonna have a stroke because I don't think my renter’s insurance covers that, so if you are I recommend stepping outside of the building first." Josh said playfully even though her look of concern was genuine. She opened the door and stepped aside to let me in. I handed her the bag containing the soup from the bakery she'd asked me to pick up on the way.
"I don't think so?" I said but it came out as a question. I set my bag down on her counter and
"With all the shit you've had going on? I wouldn't be surprised. How you holding up?"
"I'm...okay. It's hard to be happy about my mom being alive and Critter being my dad when I don't know if my mom is going to be okay yet and if the threat of Richard is still out there." I said, staring down at the counter. "It will always be out there."
"Not always. We're gonna put our heads together and think of something. I'm going to spin my wheels until the rubber falls off thinking of any way I can help." She pushed my chin up with her hand. "Now chin-up, buttercup."
Josh came over and embraced me in a tight hug. She smelled like coconut lotion and her skin was warm like she'd been sitting outside. "I'm here if you need me. Always." She reminded me, searching my eyes for understanding.
I nodded and looked away before the tears came. I'd had enough of those for quite some time and I knew that once I opened the faucet it would be hard to shut it down again.
"What is this about Finn taking you on a trip tonight?" Josh asked.
"You know about as much as I do. Nothing.”
"Typical Finn." Josh said with a roll of her eyes. She took the soup out of the bag and set it on the counter, carefully taking off the lid to release the steam. She opened a drawer and retrieved a spoon.
"Who is that for, anyway?" I asked.
Josh pointed a finger at the closed bedroom door and motioned for me to follow her inside.
Something under the covers on her bed moved and it took me a moment to realize it there was a dark head of hair sticking out from the top of the stack of white fluffy pillows. Not just any head.
Miller's head.
"I'm soooooo sick," he moaned, rolling over with the blanket bunched up in his fists, pulling it up over his head.
Josh leaned over him and shouted through the covers. "The only thing you have is a case of the man-flu! It's not deadly, just annoying as all hell." She looked over at me. "Especially to the female population."
Miller pulled the blanket back down revealing a slightly reddened nose. He sniffled. "Don't yell at me. I don't feel well. I think it's the black plague." He lowered his voice to a whispery rasp. "Who knows how much time I have left..." He said, followed by a dramatic series of coughs into his closed fist.
"Here is your damn chicken soup," Josh barked and plopped the bowl down onto the nightstand, sloshing some over the side.
"Stars or noodles?" Miller asked without so much as glancing at the bowl or what was inside. He pulled the covers back up over his nose, peeking out at Josh over the top.
Josh rolled her eyes and placed a hand on her jutted hip. "At this rate, just be grateful it's not arsenic." She turned and ushered me from the room.
"It's too far away," Miller whined, making a grabby motion with his hand the soup which was in arm's reach if he would've tried to reach it. "I can't...I can't reach iiiiiiit. Don't leave me like this, woman!"
"He doesn't even have a fever," Josh informed me, ignoring Miller and shutting the door.
"Sawyer, why are you letting her be so cruellll!!!!"
Josh sneezed into her elbow and retrieved a tissue from the box off the counter to briefly blow her nose. "I have the same exact cold." She said, pitching the tissue into the trash and washing her hands in the kitchen sink. "And see how differently we're handling it?"
"Just a little different," I agreed.
She stared at the closed door. "He needs to woman-the-hell-up because I swear to God if he asks for one more thing I'm gonna load him in the truck and toss him in the drunk tank. He can sleep it off like Mr. Ward has to every time the Panthers lose and he drowns his sorrows in his grandfather's moonshine."
"You wouldn't!" Miller shouted came from the other side of the door.
"Oh yeah? Try me!" She shouted back.
After a few seconds, when no reply came, she turned to me. "I'm sorry about that. Are you alright? I mean, are you REALLY alright? I feel like we haven't had a ton of time to talk and I've been busy dealing with Mr. Crazy Possessive in there."
Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily.
"Josh, can I ask you something? You don't have to answer but I'm curious."
"
Miller asked me to use my nail to reach something in his nose he couldn't. I told him if he asked me again I'd kick him in the dick, but the point is that no question besides that one, will offend me at this point."
"Gross, and noted. I'm curious." I pointed to the bedroom. "Do you love him?"
Josh narrowed her eyes to slits. "Today might not be the best day to ask me that."
Josh and Miller were complete opposites. , you’d think they hated each other. But once I discovered they were an item, and had been for a long time, I saw it. The love they didn’t want anyone else to see. I can look back on all our interactions and pick up on the exchange of glances. The way Miller knew where she was in the room at all times. The way they always seem to be touching one another when they thought no one was paying attention. It was so glaringly obvious now that I don’t know how I ever missed it to begin with.
"The last time I saw you two you were at each other's throats. Have you two talked things out?" I asked, sipping from the bottle of water she handed me from the fridge.
Josh shook her head. "Only if you consider him showing up at my door, sneezing in my face and telling me he loves me and needs me to take care of him before falling face first into my bed, talking things out then, yeah. I guess we talked."
"The last time I saw you was the first time I'd seen you really angry at him. Not playfully angry but truly angry."
Josh strolled over to the couch and plopped down, tucking one foot underneath of her. I took a seat on the opposite end and mirrored her position.
"Yeah, that," she said, pinching her bottom lip and shaking her head, she stared blankly at the wall. "I still don't really know what that was. When it comes to Miller I think that I try to push back all the feelings so much that when they push through, they spring out like a damn jack-in-the-box.”
"Maybe talking to him about it will help," I suggested, although I wasn’t one to give advice. I’d only had one romantic relationship and I was guessing as I went.
"You know?" Josh asked, narrowing her eyes, "for someone who claims to be innocent when it comes to a lot of things you sure can Dr. Phil a situation like a champion."
The Outliers: (The Outskirts Duet Book 2) Page 5
