by C. A. Harms
I had those same thoughts running through my mind, but only for different reasons.
“How old?” he asked as he took a step closer.
“Five and half months,” I looked toward Camden and he was watching Zack, yet had not once stopped chewing on his toy. “He was born June 7th.”
Zack only nodded as he lifted his hand and ran it softly over the dark hair lightly covering our son’s head. I watched as he closed his eyes for a moment, as if to commit the very second he first touched his son to memory.
Zack still looked the same as I remembered, only a little broader, thicker maybe. And the beauty of him still overwhelmed me. I had never in my life ever met a man who could take my breath away almost instantly, without even doing a thing. His presence alone had an amazing affect.
“Had I known…” He attempted to speak, only to stop abruptly and hang his head for a moment.
It was hard to watch the turmoil he was suffering. I could see the sense of disappointment in his eyes. He was obviously torn up about the time he had already lost.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you and for him.” He finally spoke again.
“You shouldn’t apologize for something you couldn’t control.” Neither of us set out for this to happen. We used protection the night we were together, but somehow, some way, nature took its own course and here we were. “I know now that it wasn’t by choice.”
He looked at me for the first time since I opened the door. “I believed everything she ever told me about you.” He still had his hand on Camden, as if he needed to touch him to believe he was real. “I’m apologizing for that.”
“We didn’t really know one another well enough to think otherwise. Everything sort of spun out of control pretty quickly.” Camden grew fussy when he dropped his toy and Zack immediately bent down to retrieve it.
A smile formed on his lips when Camden wrapped his fingers around the bright yellow handle and instantly brought it to his mouth once more.
“She was the one who told me your age the next morning,” he confessed.
I already suspected it was Haven. It was something she would have done. Anything to be one step ahead of me. She didn’t like his interest in me from the moment he looked up and smiled that day on the beach.
“She talked to Rigdon for weeks after that trip and played everything out so precise. She planted stories in his head about the guys you slept with almost weekly. He’d relay them to me, and now I know it was all a cover up.” He touched Camden’s head once more. “Can I hold him?”
“Of course,” I replied as I lifted him from my chest and moved him in Zack’s direction.
He took to him like he’d known him forever, like he was built to be a father. Zack was a natural. Most men are scared of babies, like they’ll hurt them or something, but not Zack.
The moment he placed his lips against Camden’s head and kissed him, I felt the tears threaten to spill over. As if that wasn’t enough, he took in a deep breath, and I knew in that moment he was smelling our son, the baby powder scent I, too, loved so much.
He walked over to the couch and took a seat, moving Cam to his lap. Our son looked so tiny in his arms.
“I never slept with anyone after you,” I said without thinking it through. When he looked up at me with a blank expression, I regretted opening my mouth. “I just thought you should know what she said was all a lie. I’m not like that. What happened between us wasn’t something I do all the time.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation,” he stated.
And in that moment I knew he was right. But it didn’t stop me from wanting him to know.
Chapter 13
Zack
I’d spent hours just holding my son, memorizing everything I could about him. From his fingers and toes down to each chubby little roll of his belly. He was the cutest damn kid I had ever seen in my life, but I was biased—I knew that.
I found it impossible to let go of him, even when he grew tired in my arms, I refused to release my hold. Neither Lindsay nor her grandmother took that away from me. It was like they both understood just how much I needed to feel him against me.
They both gave me time as they busied themselves doing other things.
Her grandma found a game show on television and escaped to her room after dinner, saying it was time to call it a night. I wasn’t sure if it was her way of allowing me more time alone with Camden or not, but I took it.
Lindsay had gone into the small dining room just off the kitchen and sat at the table working on what looked like school work. She told me that after she moved here, she went to night school to gain her GED and was now enrolled in college, working toward her teaching degree.
She really wasn’t the girl I had convinced myself she was.
Spending this time with not only Camden but with her as well, I got a glimpse of the woman she had become. Maybe it was the birth of our son that changed her, or maybe she had been this way all along, but she was nothing like the picture Haven had painted.
When I looked up to see it was now after ten in the evening, I realized I should probably put him to bed and figure out if there was a hotel still around with a room available. I had not even thought that far ahead when I decided to reschedule my flight and drive here instead.
“Lindsay,” I said in a hushed whisper.
When she turned just slightly in the chair and looked over her shoulder at me, I could see just how tired she looked and I instantly felt bad. She had been most likely forcing herself to stay awake on my account.
“Can you show me where to put him to bed?” I asked.
Nodding her head, she stood from the table and walked in my direction. “It’s just down the hall.”
I followed behind her as I secured Camden against my chest. The baby fresh scent filled my nostrils as I leaned in and pressed my nose to his head. The baby fine hair that covered his head tickled my face and I smiled against his forehead.
I had only met him hours ago, but was already so in love with him I knew it would be almost impossible to leave tomorrow.
Lindsay pushed open a door and reached out to flip the switch, which made the small lamp on the dresser come on. The room was small and almost every spot shouted baby but one corner. Tucked back in the room was a small twin bed with a nightstand next to it. She shared a room with our son. That thought made me feel safe, knowing she was right there with him at all times. It also made me think of the things she had sacrificed at such a young age while she went through her pregnancy and the first five months of our son’s life without his father at her side.
“You can lay him in his crib.” She pointed toward the white crib that had a mobile above it. I smiled when I saw the bedding and mobile had planes as the design. It may not have been fighter jets, but the concept was there. Hanging on the wall above his bed were letters that spelled out his name.
Camden Zachary.
It still felt like some kind of dream.
I was a father.
When I left California only five days ago, I never dreamed of my trip turning out the way it did.
On my way to Roanoke, I think I called every person I could think of and rehashed the entire situation over and over. My brother, Quinton, was shocked. My mother cried, and I knew they were a mixture of happy and sad tears. I may have choked up a bit when she mentioned my father. He’d never know my son, or any other children. But something told me he was watching over us all.
Rigdon actually believed I was playing out some fucking joke when I called him. In the end, he agreed Haven was a big enough bitch to pull something like this off.
That girl and I still had a fucking conversation coming. She took things from me I couldn’t get back.
After giving Camden a few more kisses, I lay him in bed and patted his back gently to assure he was going to stay asleep.
“He loves that,” Lindsay whispered from my side. “After he was born I used to think there would be no way I’d be able to take care of a baby. But Gr
ams helped, and I found little tricks that helped. And that right there,” she said, pointing to my hand. “Patting his back always soothed him.”
“I don’t know how I’m gonna leave tomorrow,” I confessed.
I had been sitting on the couch for hours asking myself that very question. How the hell was I going to get in the rental car and drive toward the airport knowing what I was leaving behind?
“You can see him whenever you want,” she assured me. I knew she meant it, too, but it didn’t change the amount of distance between us. It wasn’t like I could complete a day and go home to him. I was thousands of miles away, and leave was earned, not given. I spent almost four days with the woman who had kept me from him and now I was being forced to leave him, not knowing the next time I would get the chance to hold him again.
“I can’t just pick up and come see him whenever the mood strikes,” I said. “That thought alone is breaking my heart.”
When she placed her hand on my arm, I looked over at her and knew it was meant to be soothing, and not the same way Haven used that gesture. “We’ll figure it out,” she whispered. “I can’t afford to fly back and forth between here and California often, but I’ll do what I can. And we’ll Skype.” She smiled when I arched a brow. “I know it’s not the same, but at least the two of you will be able to see each other. I want him to know you just as much as you want to know him. It’s all I ever wanted.”
“We’ll make it work,” I repeated her words.
“Yeah,” she said in return as I looked back over at our son.
Curled to his side, he breathed evenly as his little hands twitched, indicating he was in a deep sleep.
“Now that I know he exists, there isn’t anything or anyone that will stop me from being a part of his life.” I meant it. I would do whatever it took to be present in his life.
***
I ended up sleeping on the couch at Lindsay’s grandmother’s, which gave me morning access to my son. Once again Lindsay and her grandmother gave me full control. I bathed, fed and changed him whenever needed. I spent over an hour lying on my stomach in the center of the living room floor playing with him and his toys.
I’d been puked on and peed on, yet couldn’t wipe the damn smile from my face. I was sure I’d maxed out the memory of my phone as I filled it with picture after picture of Camden. I’d even snuck in a couple of Lindsay so I could share with my mom.
And when the time rolled around for me to leave, I couldn’t seem to let go of him. I stood just inside the door, holding him against my chest as I rocked from side to side. I closed my eyes and took into memory the smell of his skin and the sound of his cooing as he wiggled against me.
Letting go of him was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
I’d gone through hours and hours of grueling painful training missions. I swam so many miles I’d thrown up from the pain it caused and the way it set my lungs on fire. But never once had I ever felt the pain I felt in that moment.
I had never been an emotional man. I’d been trained at a young age that the enemy only found it as a sign of weakness, and you never willingly gave anyone that control. But as I stepped outside and began walking toward the rental car I couldn’t look back. I knew if I did I would fall and leaving would have been impossible.
I drove toward St. Louis, where in just a few hours my flight was scheduled to leave. After I had been on the road for close to twenty minutes, I cleared the notifications from my phone signaling all the missed calls and texts, and dialed one number.
After three rings, her voice said “Hello” in a rush, and it was enough to unleash all the anger I had been holding inside since yesterday when I first found out about Camden.
“You really are a deceitful, conniving bitch, aren’t you?” I gripped the steering wheel tighter as the urge to strike hit me.
“Excuse me?” Haven had the audacity to sound offended.
“Playing it all out like I paid for my child to be aborted. And then telling Lindsay I refused to be there for her.” She tried to interrupt me but I kept going, talking over her apologies. “You took almost six months of my child’s life away from me; you don’t deserve to talk. You had your fucking chance.”
“The baby could have been anybody’s,” she said in a rush.
“I can assure you that Lindsay’s son is my son. There is no doubt about it,” I stated.
“You saw the baby?” she asked, a tinge of jealousy lacing her question. She really was a damn piece of work.
“I just spent the last twenty-four hours with both of them.” Not that it was any of her business, but I knew how it would get to her, and right now I felt like hurting her the way she had hurt Lindsay and my son. By keeping me in the dark, she punished my son, and that shit fueled a fire inside me I had no idea how to control. “It was the most fulfilling twenty-four hours of the last year and a half of my life.”
She remained silent and I could picture her nostrils flaring with disgust. She used that fucking look whenever she wasn’t getting her way.
“Don’t call me; don’t show up in California,” I said through gritted teeth. “In fact, forget you ever fucking met me, because I’ve damn sure forgotten who the fuck you even are.”
I heard her gasping and attempting to gain control of the situation but I didn’t give her a chance to defend her actions. There was nothing she could say or do that would support them. She was selfish and spiteful. I hit end and cut ties with the one bitch who tried to keep me from my own son.
Something like that could never be forgiven.
Chapter 14
Lindsay
It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen.
My cheeks actually hurt from the smile I had worn constantly for almost an hour.
Zack had been consistent with his nightly Skype calls. Even if it was late and Camden was asleep, he would just sit quietly and watch him. But tonight his call came earlier than usual, and I had to admit there was nothing funnier than watching a full-grown man impersonating every known animal he could think of. From pigs to monkeys, it was something I knew I would never forget.
But it made Camden smile and giggle, so Zack was more than happy to continue on. Even when a couple of his friends showed up to make fun of him, he still never stopped.
Soon the screen was filled with not one, but two men as Rigdon joined the imitation train. I don’t think I had ever laughed so hard in my life. It was definitely entertaining, to say the least.
When things quieted down and Camden began rubbing his eyes, growing restless, Zack took his phone and held it out before him as he lay his head on his pillow.
I, too, lay down with Camden tucked into me and remained quiet as a father said goodnight to his son.
It was one of the most beautiful moments I had ever witnessed.
“I love you, buddy,” Zack whispered. “I’ll always be here for you, no matter how far apart we are, I’m still here. And I’ll always do whatever I can to keep you safe and happy. I know your mommy’s done a real good job of those things so far.” I closed my eyes tightly, fighting off the tears as he continued. “But she doesn’t have to do it alone anymore because I’ll always be here whenever you need me.”
I tried to hide the shudder of my chest as I fought my emotions, but I saw the moment Zack’s eyes shifted to mine. “That goes for you, too, Linds,” he added, and in that moment I could no longer fight it. The tears fell and I closed my eyes turning my head to the side, using my pillow as a shield.
“Lindsay,” Zack whispered.
“Yeah,” I replied in a hushed voice for fear of waking our now sleeping son.
“I know you get a break for the holidays from school,” I turned my head away from my pillow and looked back at the screen of my iPad. “I was hoping maybe you and Camden can come to Coronado Beach and spend Christmas with me. My mom said she may fly out too.”
“I only have about eight hundred dollars saved. I don’t know if that’s enough to get us there,” I conf
essed.
I never had to book a flight to anywhere, so I had no idea the amount it would cost to fly to California. A fear of depleting the small amount of savings I had was alarming, too, because I also had to pay for a room to stay in once we got there.
“Don’t worry about that,” he replied. “I got it.”
“I can’t let…”
He cut me off.
“You can,” he whispered. “And you will. Because I wanna see the two of you without a million miles between us. I’ve gotten used to hearing your voice each night and it’s been really nice getting to know you through the process of also getting to know Camden.”
My heart raced for a moment until I forced myself to chill out. I needed to remember that I was only invited because Camden and I were a package deal. The offer was solely from a father who wanted to see his son. Nothing more.
“Let me make sure that Grams will be okay if I’m gone,” I told him. “I’ll talk to her in the morning and let you know tomorrow night.”
I was nervous and excited. Seeing Zack would be the exciting part. Seeing his mother was the challenge. I was positive by now he had informed her of me and how we originally met. Facing the mother of the man I lied to was making me want to make excuses not to go. Only I knew I wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t deny Zack from spending time with Camden.
Zack had almost immediately bonded with our son, and being able to watch that all unfold was one of the greatest things I had ever witnessed.
***
I had been stalling all morning and the way Grams was watching me only informed me she had already picked up on that. But instead of just bringing up my impending trip, I continued to busy myself with menial chores.
“Child, will you just come out with it already?” she chuckled. “But before you attempt to hide what’s truly on your mind, remember the walls are thin.”
I tossed the dish towel down and spun around to face her, noticing a big smile on her face.
