Answered Prayers

by Max Hudson

  The silence grew between them. It was full of anguish, desire, and guilt. Jude wished he could bridge the gap that was widening between them with each passing moment, but the impulse to break the rules had passed, swallowed by the need to reclaim some sanity. This was madness and he knew it. He didn’t want to hurt Andy, but what else could he do?

  “I’ll just be going then,” Andy said, turning away.

  Jude watched him walk back to the still open door, and cringed when he thought about how they had recklessly taken a step over the line in full view of anyone who might have been passing. He had lost all control, but it would never happen again. The memory of the sweet pressure of Andy’s mouth on his would have to be sufficient for him. Until he decided what he was going to do about his feelings, he could not act on them. It would not be wise.

  Neither man said goodnight, and Jude didn’t watch Andy leave. He waited for ten long minutes until he was sure he was completely alone before leaving the office and locking up behind him. Over the next week, he tried to be done before Andy was, or to be away from the premises. He didn’t see Andy for two weeks, and then, as he was about to do a requested inspection of the progress of the renovation with the foreman, Dave turned to him as Andy walked in and said,

  “I’m sorry, Father Carter, but Andy here will have to do the walk-through with you. I’ve had a call that my wife’s in labor and my dad has taken her to the hospital. I need to get there. Andy knows what to do. I’ll see you Monday.”

  Before Jude could process what was happening, Dave turned to Andy. “I owe you one, Andy. Let me know if Father Carter has any questions or concerns.”

  Then he was gone, and they were alone in the middle of the living room. Andy turned and began to speak, and Jude followed blindly, not hearing any of what he said. He was too busy trying to get his breathing under control. When he walked mindlessly into Andy, who had stopped in the hallway between the living area and the office, Jude felt every hard plane on the other man’s body. Andy’s hands, reaching out to steady him so they could both remain upright, burned him where they touched him. Jude gasped and Andy backed away, raising his hands palms out in a gesture of reassurance.

  “Andy…” Jude began, but Andy interrupted him.

  “Sorry. Let’s just get this over with so I can leave you alone.”

  Before he could censor the words, they fell from Jude’s lips. “That’s not what I want.”

  Andy swung round in the narrow hallway, nearly knocking Jude over again.

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.” He spoke the denial between clenched teeth.

  Jude felt irritation rise inside him. “I’m not a child, Andy. I know what I want.”

  “You’re also a priest,” Andy said, his tone as irritated as Jude’s. “This isn’t who you are.”

  “You don’t know everything there is to know about me,” Jude replied, and pushed past him, suddenly needing some space between them. He wasn’t surprised, though, when Andy followed closely at his heels.

  “What else is there to know that’s more important than that?”

  Andy sounded almost angry now, and Jude recognized the fear that drove his words. How had he not noticed before, in all the time they had been meeting each other, what Andy was feeling for him? And what did he want to do about it now?

  Jude sighed. He didn’t want to get into a conversation with Andy that would lead to revelations he had sworn to keep to himself. Nothing could come of it.

  “There are more important things than one’s job,” he temporized.

  “What you do here is more than just a job to you,” Andy countered, not letting him off the hook.

  “But there’s something that is more important than even this to me,” Jude answered, now angry and frustrated. When Andy opened his mouth to answer, Jude stopped him. “Leave it alone, Andy. Please.”

  “Why?”

  Andy asked the question as he invaded Jude’s personal space, crowding him into the wall by the office doorway. They were not in the line of sight of anyone who might look in from the outside, but anyone coming in would see them clearly from the living room. Jude tried to fight his body’s reaction to Andy’s nearness but couldn’t stop the way his cock thickened in his pants, or the way his hands shook as he struggled not to pull Andy’s head down to his own for the kiss he had been wanting for two long weeks.

  “Because nothing can come of it. Just let’s finish this, as you said…”

  Andy’s lips on his shut him up, and opened him up at the same time. He gasped and clung to Andy’s neck, letting the other man show him how to share a kiss of passion and desire. Jude followed Andy’s tongue, sliding alongside it, licking Andy’s lips, suckling him, tasting him and groaning at the unexpected sweetness. They kissed each other until they had to catch a breath, and then Andy held Jude’s face between his hands and panted gently, his forehead against Jude’s, his body barely brushing Jude’s own.

  “I’m sorry, Jude,” he said. “I never meant for this to happen.”

  Jude’s heart broke just a little bit at those words. No one ever meant to fall for someone they knew was out of their league. But love happened. He was just sorry it had to be someone he could never share the passion rising inside him with because his title made it impossible. And now that he had experienced a real taste of what it could be like with Andy, he wanted more, and resented the restrictions that allowed him to love anyone but another man.

  He tried to make light of it, to ease the tension between them. “Nothing happened, Andy. We kissed each other. That’s all.”

  Andy growled. “Fuck if I’m gonna let you try to make something less of this than what it is,” he said, and when Jude said, “Language!” he laughed and kissed Jude’s lips again, lingering for a long moment, just feathering them with light, teasing kisses.

  “Sorry, Father,” he said. “Forgive me.”

  Jude chuckled with him as they moved apart, but sobered at the thought that he could have nothing more with this man who wasn’t afraid to face their common problem head on. Andy turned away and finished the tour. Jude tried to pay attention, and when they had been through all the rooms, he thanked Andy quietly.

  “Everything seems fine to me,” he said. “You guys seem to be on target in terms of time, and I can see how this will be a much better space when it’s done. I can’t wait to get back into it.”

  Then he walked Andy to the door, wishing he could ask him to stay. Instead, he extended his hand, preparing himself for the jolt when Andy touched him. Instead of shaking his hand, Andy used it to pull him in and kiss him one last time. It was a tender kiss, bittersweet with need and regret.

  “Enjoy your Sunday, Father,” Andy said, and released him.

  “Enjoy your day off, Andy,” Jude said. “And if you like, you can begin it at Mass tomorrow.”

  “I’m not really a religious kinda guy, Jude,” Andy replied.

  Jude understood so he didn’t push it. The invitation was more about seeing Andy again than about sharing his faith with him. He wanted Andy and he’d take him any way he could get him. Which meant he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice.

  Chapter Three

  Andy didn’t go to Mass that Sunday, or any other Sunday as long as the renovation was ongoing. He did his best to avoid Jude, knowing that if he gave in to his need, he’d put Jude in a compromising situation that would hurt the priest in his role as Rector of the parish. He had loved their kisses. Jude was an innocent in the ways of man-on-man love. In fact, Andy had the impression that he knew nothing about love in general, aside from his love for a God who would damn him for falling in love with another man.

  The renovation was done now, and Jude was back in the manse. The bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs had been refitted and repainted, and the whole place had a new and vibrant feel to it. Andy had managed to avoid the celebration when the completed manse was rededicated, and he had stayed off Jude’s radar completely. The work was done, and while the company kept him
on their books, they had no large-scale jobs which required the services of a general laborer. So Andy was on the job hunt once again.

  This time, he refused to call on Jude for help. Seeing him would only make the pain of their separation harder to bear. Andy knew that the attraction between him and the priest was more than just a matter of needing to get off. He admired the priest’s dedication to his parishioners. He liked his kindness, his supportive spirit, his understanding.

  At dinner with Mase and Cindy, he mentioned that he needed a new job if he was to stay in his apartment.

  “Have you checked at Gray’s Gym on Parkway Boulevard? Tom Gray and I have known each other for years. He’s an ex-con turned businessman. He owns that gym and two others.”

  Andy’s ears perked up. “Does he need someone?” An ex-con might be more likely to hire another ex-con without the usual prejudices. At least, Andy hoped so.

  Andy had always been something of an exercise freak, and he knew that his life’s work would need to include some nod to that interest. But on that rainy night twelve years ago, when he had arrived at his brother’s house to find his soon-to-be-sister-in-law under attack, he had lost his mind to wrath, and the man’s death at his hands had meant time inside. Andy had never been shy about defending himself or those he loved. After his mother’s death at the hands of an intruder, his rage had never abated. He became the very thing he hated the most — a violent man — and he thought he had lost his future.

  If he could reclaim that future, it would be some consolation for losing the man he knew he could never have. He finally understood what Jude meant when he’d said that there are things more important than one’s job. Nothing would ever occupy the space that only Jude Carter seemed able to fill in Andy’s heart, not even working as a personal trainer. But it was all he could hope for. Shrugging off the unhappy thoughts, he made plans to meet Mase there the next day.

  By eight the next morning, Andy and Mase were walking in the door of Gray’s Gym. Andy was unaccountably nervous, but he chalked it up to having received so many rejections in the past ten months. They stopped at the reception desk in a small area set apart with cushioned chairs and a television.

  “Hi. I’m Mason Grant. I wonder if I might speak to Tom Gray. He’ll know who I am.”

  Mase spoke with confidence and the shy-looking young woman at the desk scurried off to get her boss. A few moments later, she reappeared with a man behind her. Tom Gray was built like a brick house, but no one hearing him speak without seeing him would imagine his size. He was a confident but soft-spoken man, and Andy was immediately impressed by him.

  “Mason Grant! How the hell are you?” Andy watched as the two men hugged each other, and smiled when the man turned to him with a smile of his own. “And you must be Mason’s little brother Andy. Welcome to Gray’s Gym. Come on back!”

  They followed him back to his office, a small space with a huge desk and two chairs, filing cabinets, and a refrigerator.

  “Have a seat, gentlemen. Care for something to drink?”

  “No thanks, Tom. We’re actually here on business.” Mase spoke quietly. “I came with Andy today on the off chance that you might need someone to work here. I wanted to introduce him to you.”

  Andy felt Tom’s eyes slide over to him. “You were inside for ten years for manslaughter, no?”

  “Yes,” Andy said, trying to stifle the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. His record would always be part of the job interview, and he knew it.

  “Welcome back, man,” Tom said, shaking his hand. “What have you been doing since you’ve been out?”

  “Everything anyone would let me do,” Andy replied. “I drove a delivery truck, I did some gardening, and recently I worked on a construction project.”

  “So you’re a jack of all trades?”

  “You know how it is…a guy like me can’t be choosy about what work he does. You take what you can get.”

  “All I have right now is janitorial work. Evenings, two to ten, when the gym closes. Will that work for you?”

  “When do I start?”

  Tom smiled. “I like a decisive man. Come on back with me and I’ll get you suited up. We wear uniforms here.” He turned to Mase. “We’ll only be a few minutes.”

  Half an hour later, Mase dropped Andy back at his apartment. “Cindy and I are going away for a couple of days. If you need me, call me.”

  Andy felt renewed gratitude that he had a brother like Mase who gave a fuck what happened to him. He had long ago gotten over the guilt he used to feel every time Mase came to visit him. He remembered how he had landed in the state penitentiary for manslaughter. Mase hadn’t condemned him for what had happened, and had only been supportive of him for his entire time inside.

  “Thanks, man. I won’t need you. You guys deserve a break. Go have fun.”

  Mase grinned. “That’s a given.” His salacious look twisted the knife of loneliness in Andy’s heart, but he shrugged it off. He was in no position to have the kind of love Mase and Cindy had found in each other. He focused on his brother’s next words. “I think you’ll like working for Tom. He’s a reasonable guy. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly, as you can imagine, but as long as you do your work, you have nothing to worry about.”

  Andy understood what Mase was saying. “I won’t let you down, Mase. I’ve got this.”

  “I know. You never have. See you next week.”

  Over the next few weeks, Andy worked hard to earn Tom’s trust, doing everything he was asked to do related to club cleanliness. He washed down the showers, cleaned the toilets, washed the floors, wiped down equipment. Everything was easy; nothing was below him. He needed this job and was grateful for the chance to prove himself to someone who understood where he was coming from.

  After a month, Tom trained him to work the front desk, and Andy greeted, assisted, and directed members, guests, staff and callers as they entered or called the gym. He also was responsible for overseeing the inventory and restocking the snack and water machines. He liked this work better, only because he got to interact with people more. Some gym members were the kindest, most pleasant people he’d ever met, while others made him want to punch their lights out, usually because of how they treated the wellness staff.

  Once or twice, he had stepped away from the front desk to help when it seemed like a client was escalating behavior that could cause problems. Andy didn’t say anything directly to the client, but pulled the staff member aside on some pretext and asked if she (it was usually a woman who was being harassed) needed help. At which point Tom would come over, Andy would say what he had observed, and then go back to his station at the front desk.

  After two months of that work, Tom summoned him to his office. It was late, almost closing time, and the gym was quiet except for the occasional clang of weights.

  “I wanted to tell you thanks for your hard work these last three months, Andy. You’ve impressed me, and that’s hard to do…just ask your brother. And I wanted to let you know that the ladies also appreciate your intervention when things were getting hairy those times. You helped defuse situations that could have gotten ugly, and we all appreciate the tact you displayed. But I know where your heart is. I see you watching the fitness instructors, and I know what it is you want to do.”

  Andy nodded. No sense in pretending he wasn’t yearning for a chance to show what he could do.

  “I’m going to need a junior instructor soon, and wondered if I could persuade you to get some on-the-job training. Jill is leaving to get married in a couple of weeks. Can I tempt you?”

  Andy laughed, noting the twinkle in Tom’s eyes. “I’m in, boss,” he said. “When do I start?”

  “Tomorrow. But there’s one big stipulation.”

  Andy’s heart quivered, but he hid his trepidation. “What is it?”

  “You have to get back into school and finish that degree. I can’t hire you as more than a junior instructor until you’ve completed the course. All my senior instru
ctors are fully qualified.”

  Relief swept through Andy. Not only was he being given a foot in the door to do what he wanted, but he was being made to finish something he had started when he thought he had a future, and being given the chance to reclaim it. His chest tightened with emotion, but he was a master at hiding his feelings.

  “I understand, boss. And thank you for the opportunity.”

  And so Andy began working in fitness training. He knew much of what he was taught on those two weeks of training, but much was also new to him, and he came in before his shift began so he could practice the things he would need to share with the clients with whom he would work. He was oblivious to the people watching him, including his boss, whose smile of approval was wasted on him. Andy was too focused on getting it right to care what impression he was making on anyone.

  By the time Jill left, he was pretty good at the things she was specifically responsible for doing and was working hard to increase his competency in the rest. He was too busy to even think about Jude during the day, but at night, when he was alone in his little apartment, thoughts of the man he wanted assailed him, and his dreams went where he couldn’t. More than once he’d had to distract himself from the need to call and find out how Jude was and what was happening in his life. But he knew it wasn’t wise, and though it killed him, he never called.

  And then his whole world shifted when he went in to relieve another trainer on the day shift. He looked up from setting the equipment in order and almost dropped the last weight he held in his hand.

  Chapter Four

  Jude walked slowly into the gym. He wasn’t the sort of man who liked to pump iron and flex his muscles in front of strangers, but since the accident he had been involved in two months earlier, he had felt weaker somehow and had decided that he needed to get back to full strength. Some classes and swimming would probably do that for him. He approached the front desk feeling more self-conscious than he had ever felt, but he shook off the feeling. He needed the motivation to get back in shape. Remaining like this was not an option. If Andy could see him now…