by Max Hudson
“I won’t be a priest for much longer,” Jude said, smiling. “What will your argument be then?”
Andy looked up in astonishment. “What?”
Jude held his gaze. “I’m resigning from the priesthood. I’ll need new lodgings and a new job. This is my last week.”
“Why?” Andy couldn’t imagine Jude doing anything else.
“You.”
All the air whooshed out of Andy and he gaped at Jude. “What?”
“I’m leaving because of you. I made up my mind four months ago”
Andy didn’t know what to say. “How…why?”
“I can’t reconcile feeling as I do about you and wanting to be with you with remaining a priest. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.”
“You mean you’ve been conflicted all this time?”
Andy wasn’t sure he liked being the cause of Jude’s discomfort. Even as he realized the full import of Jude’s words, his heart swelled in his chest, yet the joy was tempered by knowledge of the pain he was inadvertently causing. It was a huge burden that Jude was now sharing with him, and the weight of it was bittersweet.
“I don’t want you to take this on, Andy,” Jude said, as though he were reading Andy’s mind. “It’s my problem to deal with. But you asked…”
“I know. And you can’t tell me it’s your problem as though I’ve got nothing to do with it. We wouldn’t be sitting here in a neutral space talking if it was just your problem.” Andy took a long swallow of his drink, then turned his eyes back to Jude. “So, have you thought any more about what you’re going to do now that, you know…” He let his voice trail off.
“I’ll deliver my final sermon on Sunday, and I’m already mostly moved out of the manse. Everything else is all packed up to leave the day after. I have an apartment to look at on Monday. I’m hoping I get it. It’s got two bedrooms and two bathrooms, so I can sublet it if I can find a roommate. The rent isn’t prohibitive, but if I can find someone to share it with me, it’ll be more money in my pocket.”
Andy perked up his ears. As far as he was concerned, this was a great solution to at least one of their mutual problems, and one of his personal ones. He wouldn’t mind rooming with Jude. Although he loved his efficiency apartment, it was now just not large enough. Moving in to be someone’s roommate in a regular apartment would still be better than moving in with Mase. And not only would Jude be saving money, but they’d have a chance to discover each other in a safe space, away from prying eyes.
The thought of sharing an apartment with Jude made the hairs on Andy’s body stand on end. There was so much he could teach the innocent priest about the ways of love between men, and he’d be thrilled to be Jude’s first in everything. He’d have to float that idea very carefully though, so as not to spook the man.
“When will you know about the apartment?” Andy asked.
“It’ll be up to me, really. I’ve gone to see it and was waiting to see if any better place came up, but it’s the best of all the ones I’ve looked at. It’s in a quiet neighborhood, far enough away from the church and the parish that I won’t be breaking any of their proximity rules, and close to transportation, so anywhere I get a job, I’ll have easy access.”
They discussed the rent, which for the part of town the apartment was in was beyond reasonable — “The people who are renting it own the apartment outright, so we’re just paying their maintenance fee for them,” Jude told him — and the neighborhood was diverse enough that Andy wasn’t too concerned about there being any problems with two men living together.
Over a second cup of joe for Andy — Jude was still nursing his iced coffee — they talked about the places where Jude had sent his résumés. Jude was trying to get work in a social work group practice that was looking for a new member to replace one who had just retired. And he’d also sent it to two schools looking for school counselors for their substance abuse prevention and recovery programs.
“Sounds like you’ve got all your bases covered,” Andy said. His palms were a bit damp, and he was barely controlling the light tremor in his hands. This seemed like as good a time as any to broach the subject of a roommate for Jude, but he worried that it might seem to be too much too soon. For fuck’s sake, get on with it! “I’d like to float an idea. You can refuse, but I think it’s got benefits for both of us.”
Jude waited quietly for Andy to continue. It always amazed Andy how serene Jude seemed, even when he was most disturbed or upset. He exuded a calm vibe that was probably a good part of why he had so much success with people. Wish I had even a modicum of that calm right now! He swallowed and continued.
“You said you need a roommate to help with the rent. I need somewhere larger to live that’s not a room in my brother’s house. Somewhere I can still say is mine. Would it be too much to ask you to consider me as a possible candidate for that space?”
Andy was proud of how he made his request sound logical and how his voice remained even throughout his little spiel. Jude would never know how much he was trembling both inside and out, hoping and praying that Jude would agree.
The longer Jude stayed quiet, the more Andy’s hopes fell and the more his heart shuddered with dread.
“I’d be grateful if you’d be my roommate, actually,” Jude said at last, and Andy exhaled sharply, the relief almost a physical pain in his chest. “I already know you, and as you’d have your own space, we’d be pretty much independent of each other except in the kitchen. I wouldn’t object to sharing kitchen duties with you, but if you’re not the cooking kind, I don’t mind doing that, so long as you contribute to the food pantry.”
Every word Jude spoke made Andy more lightheaded, until he had to sip his now-lukewarm coffee to ground himself. His heart was lighter, and if he had been standing, he felt sure he’d be floating on air. He would keep the conversation about their feelings out of this first meeting. Maybe once they had moved in together, he could see how things stood before raising it. He understood that a few hot kisses didn't mean they were compatible, so he wouldn’t rush things. He wanted so much more than friendship with Jude, but if it turned out that this was all he could have, he didn’t intend to mess things up by being premature right now.
So when Jude said, “So what are we gonna do about us?” Andy was floored. He had thought the question wouldn’t come up, and he would have been happy to shelve it for now. He wasn’t sure he was ready to answer it, but he should have known the priest would not leave without addressing it. Andy was the one who it seemed was having avoidance issues.
“That’s up to you, Jude. I know what I want. I don’t know what you want.”
Jude cleared his throat. “What do you want, Andy?”
Shit! This guy is gonna kill me for sure. Way to put me on the spot, Father! Andy inhaled deeply before replying. “I want there to be more to us than what we have right now.” Might as well say it all, since it’s out on the table now. “And it seems to me that we have the ideal opportunity to explore that if our new living arrangement works out. Our apartment will be a safe space for that, away from prying eyes.”
Color rose in Jude’s cheeks but he bravely kept his eyes on Andy as he said,
“As long as you understand that I’m likely to make a ton of mistakes. I need you to tell me when I’m making a fool of myself. I have a lot of anxiety about this.”
Relief flooded Andy’s body, making his limbs feel loose and unattached to his frame. He ignored the feeling. “I can tell. We’ll take it slow, I promise. There’s no rush. We have all the time in the world.”
Andy was mindful of where they were, and couched his words in such a way as to make anyone who might be listening in unsure of what they were hearing. His instinct to protect Jude had kicked in. For himself, Andy didn’t care who knew, but Jude was in a very different position, and transitioning to a life outside the church as a single man would be hard enough without the judgment and possible abuse of others to add to his burdens.
Jude’s smile
was like the sun rising in the morning, warm and glorious. It took everything Andy had not to reach across the table and pull him in for a kiss. They finished their drinks instead and left soon after, Jude to finalize his preparation for his final sermon, Andy to do some grocery shopping. They agreed to meet again the following Saturday at the apartment, if Jude decided to take it. If not, they’d plan to meet some other time to continue the apartment search.
Friday night found Andy over at his brother’s house for game night. The basketball playoffs were on, and Cindy had wisely gone out for her girls’ night with a few friends.
“Not again!” Andy slammed the arm of the sofa, glaring at the television screen. His favorite basketball team was losing because the players weren’t making their baskets. The beer can he had been holding in his left hand crumpled beneath the weight of his aggravation with his team.
Another missed shot sent the opposing team to the basket for two free throws, and Andy shouted, “Come on!”
His brother chuckled at his agitation, and Andy shot him a dirty look. “Don’t forget your team got knocked out of the playoffs!”
“And you’re the only one who cares,” Mase answered, laughing. “Are you gonna eat this?” He gestured to the last of the pizza in the box on the coffee table.
“Leave me a slice,” Andy said, his attention back on the screen.
He yelled irritated advice to the ball players for the rest of the game, providing endless amusement to his older brother. When they won by two points, his overjoyed “Yes!” rang through his brother’s house.
“Six games to go, bro,” Mase reminded him with a smirk. “Don’t count your chickens.”
“Sour grapes,” Andy responded, biting into the last slice of cold pizza.
“Whatever!”
Mase flipped him the bird with an amused smirk on his face, and Andy laughed. Then he sobered. He had been worried that he’d have to move in with his brother before when he couldn’t find a place of his own while he lived in the Samaritan House for all those months. He never wanted to be a burden to Mase, who had given everything he could to Andy while he was inside.
Andy had been determined to make it on his own, and the pride he felt at having done so had pulled him through three job changes and countless rejections and rebuffs. Nobody wanted anything to do with an ex-con, especially one who wasn’t wearing his contrition like a brand on his forehead. Because Andy wasn’t sorry. He had killed the sonofabitch whom he had caught trying to rape Mase’s fiancée at the time, and he’d do it again. No woman should be disrespected and abused as that asshole had done to her.
Andy hadn’t tried to escape or excuse his behavior. He didn’t explain why he had been so enraged, either, and only the intervention of his attorney, who also happened to be his brother, had spared him a longer sentence. Because Mason Grant knew why his little brother had flipped. They had both witnessed the horrific attack on their mother, but each dealt with their grief in different ways. Mase had always been the cooler head; Andy usually went with his fists. Thinking about the trigger still made Andy’s muscles tighten, but he was learning to control the violence that had erupted from him that rainy morning with yoga and meditation. His latest job, which it looked like he would be able to keep for as long as he wanted it, also helped him get out his aggression. And falling for Jude Carter was mellowing him out in ways he could never have imagined.
He cleaned up the mess, putting the cans in the recycling bin and the pizza boxes in the trash, which he put in the large bin in the garage. Then he went back to vacuum the carpet, in case any food had fallen to the floor.
“Hey bro, you don’t need to do that!” Mase protested.
“If you want to keep them damn mice out, then yes, I do!”
“You know what I mean.”
Andy nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t mind. You worked hard enough for me when I was inside. The least I can do is clean up after we eat.”
Mase smiled. Andy would never admit it to anyone, but he had always adored his older brother, and the shame Andy still felt at how he must have disappointed Mase was only outweighed by the love he felt for him. He would do anything for Mase…anything.
Andy pushed the vacuum under Mase’s raised feet.
“How much longer are you gonna keep Cindy in the dark about the vacation house? You know she’ll love where you bought it,” he commented as he shut off the machine.
“I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to tell your priest how you feel about him,” Mase retorted.
“We’ve talked, Mase,” Andy admitted.
“And?”
Andy smiled. He and Mase had talked a lot about the emotion that swamped him every time Jude Carter’s name came up in conversation. Mase had rebutted all of Andy’s arguments — Jude wasn’t the kind of man for whom you had feelings. That Andy had even met him was a miracle. When the priest had walked into the gym where Andy worked, looking for a personal trainer to help him overcome an injury, Andy had been overwhelmed.
But Andy loved how hard Jude worked to strengthen his body and how faithfully he followed the healthy eating regimen. His delight every time they did a weigh in and he had gained a little more muscle mass always made Andy smile. Jude was a charming, humorous, thoughtful man. He made the others in the martial arts class he took, laugh and encouraged the teenager who was in it to keep at it when the boy became frustrated. He was a nurturer, giving himself freely to anyone who needed his care and attention.
Just thinking about him now made Andy hot and predictably hard. The priest’s body had gone from slender and soft to buff and hard under Andy’s professional attention and lusting gaze. And there was so much more to the man. Andy wished he could show Jude how much he meant to him. But the timing hadn’t been right, no matter what Mase had thought.
“And he’s leaving the priesthood. We’re looking at a place to share together.” Mase knew Andy had been looking to move out of his tiny apartment.
“Wow! That’s a pretty big decision. You should invite him over to dinner some time,” Mase was saying, bringing Andy’s focus back to the conversation. “You said he has a degree in psychology?”
“Yeah. He’s a certified legal psychologist and social worker as well as a priest. He’s worrying about what he’ll do once he leaves. He thinks people are gonna question his character afterwards. He’s worried they’ll think he has something to hide, or he’s running away from punishment.”
Andy could understand those concerns. These weren’t good times for priests or pastors, because the corrupt ones made it bad for all the rest.
“Well, I can make a few inquiries. There might just be a vacancy for someone with his unique blend of talents in our organization. Why don’t you ask him over the next time you see him? I’ll invite a couple of guys from my firm, and he can do a little networking.” Mase caught Andy’s eye and added, with a wink, “And it’ll give you more personal face time with the man.”
“Who died and made you a matchmaker?” Andy asked. “Stop trying to set me up!”
Mase laughed. “Chicken!” He made wings of his arms and squawked like a fowl. Andy threw a cushion at him.
“Fuck off!”
Still, he thought about what his brother had said, and called Jude to invite him over for dinner.
“Mase says his law firm might be looking for someone like you to work in their organization.” He tried to gauge Jude’s response to his invitation, but as usual, the man gave nothing away. “So, what do you say? Will you come?”
“Thanks, Andy. That’s very kind of you. When shall I come over?”
“It’s up to you. I’m coming for Sunday dinner, but any day is fine with us.”
“Sunday would be perfect, actually. It’s my last day.”
Something in his voice made Andy wish Jude was there so he could hug him. He gripped the phone hard instead.
“Dinner’s at five.” He gave Jude the address.
“Sounds good,” Jude said. “Want me to bring anything?�
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“You don’t have to,” Andy began, but Jude insisted.
“Well, okay, how about a six-pack of beer?”
“Will do. See you Sunday then,” he said, and then hung up.
“So Sunday?” Mase asked.
“Yeah. It’s his last day.”
“We’ll make it a celebration of his new life.”
The closer it got to Sunday afternoon, the more anxious Andy grew. What the hell had he been thinking agreeing to this? They should have had Jude meet them at Mase’s office, not here. How the hell was he going to manage to keep his interest from showing? Mase’s lawyer friends were sharp-eyed as eagles. They wouldn’t miss a thing. When Sunday rolled around, Andy worked out extra hard at the end of his shift, trying to work off the tension that had been building in his body all day. When he got to Mase’s place, he was exhausted.
Mase had already started dinner — it was his job on the weekends — and Andy was to finish it. His brother had invited two colleagues from his law firm for dinner, and they had decided that spaghetti and meatballs with a Caesar salad and garlic bread would be a nice comfortable meal to share with a soon-to-be-ex-priest, an ex-con, and a bunch of lawyers. The priest was bringing beer; Mase and his friends were bringing wine. Once everything was ready, Andy showered and changed, agonizing over what to wear before giving in and dressing in dark jeans and a button-down shirt. He slicked back his too-long hair and waited in front of the television.
When the doorbell rang, Andy rushed to open the door, wiping his palms on his jeans. Jude was early. Mase and Cindy were still in their master suite.
“Hi. Come in, Jude,” he said, his smile a nervous moving of his lips away from his teeth. He hoped it didn’t look as stilted as it felt.
Jude passed him, and Andy caught a whiff of his tantalizing cologne. He was dressed casually in dark slacks and a shirt, no collar, and his short blond hair was neatly brushed.
