A quiet moan fell past my lips. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.
“For bar food, it’s pretty good, right?”
I mumbled an almost coherent yes as I took another gigantic bite.
The blue notification light on my phone lit and my pulse jumped, sending the swarm of butterflies into a chaotic dance as I wiped my hands on my napkin. I felt my cheeks fill with heat and Kelly’s smile grew as she watched me. I internally scolded myself for being so damn obvious. My sister gave me shit the other day about my “moon eyes” while I’d been texting Kieran.
“Kieran?” she asked and I nodded. “You guys are so cute.”
I ignored her little observation and opened the text.
Cabrón: I miss you.
I felt my smile stretch across my face before I could stop it. I kept my head down. No need to give Kelly more ammunition.
Me: I miss you, too. But I’m sure you’re enjoying your guy time with your brothers.
Cabrón: I’ve had enough guy time to last me a lifetime. Come over with Kelly after O’Malley’s.
Cabrón: Please.
I could feel the burn of Kelly’s stare, but I kept my eyes glued to the phone.
Me: It was a long day. I’m beat and smell like bleach.
Cabrón: Mmm, sounds sexy.
Me: It really is. These two guys won’t stop hitting on us.
Cabrón: Do I need to come down there and kick some ass?! I’m sure Liam would be game. ;)
I knew he was kidding, but I liked the possessive side of him. I’d only ever had a guy who was willing to share me with others. Kieran, I had no doubt, if he had to fight for me, he would. The ever-present ache inside my chest had slowly started to disappear the more I let Kieran in, and right now I felt another small part of it drift away.
He’ll keep me safe.
I’m his. Only his.
Cabrón: I’m a little jealous Kelly gets to have drinks with you.
Me: I’m not drinking. I’m eating the best cheeseburger in the world.
Cabrón: That’s the bleach talking, O’Malley’s is only good for the beer.
“What’s he saying?” Kelly’s impatience finally won.
“He’s trying to convince me to come over.”
“Just come with me.”
“I really can’t.”
Kelly’s doubtful brows knitted together, but before she could ask whatever question was brewing in her brown eyes my phone lit up again.
Cabrón: Did Chance drink a lot?
The burger and fries in my stomach went as heavy as a brick. It was such a casual way to ask about my nightmare of a life. He didn’t know the whole story, I told myself, but he was trying to piece me together. Why didn’t she drink? She wasn’t the addict, he was. Did drinking remind her of Chance? These were all questions probably running through his mind. Questions I should have answered before I’d let us get so close.
Me: No, I have a problem with addiction.
It was the truth. A real truth painted in the wrong color.
Cabrón: I get it. Me, too. My dad was a drunk, remember. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.
My throat contracted painfully and the heat in my face drained into a cool sweat.
It was an effort to hide my shaking fingers from Kelly as I typed my reply.
Me: Nothing to be sorry for.
Cabrón: Eat. And if you change your mind, I’ll be here.
Me: I’m just going to crash tonight. I’ll text you tomorrow.
Cabrón: Denial is the definition of heartbreak.
His usual parting gift loosened the grip my lies had around my neck, and I smiled. I normally didn’t reply, but tonight I felt like changing up the pattern. I’d let too many old demons ruin my mood. The ache that he so easily remedied had returned. I needed a fix.
Me: Let’s make sure we see each other tomorrow.
Cabrón: Tomorrow is the definition of teasing, but he’ll wait forever for her.
I laid my phone onto the table with a slow hand, my eyes stinging with unexpected tears. When I finally braved a glance at Kelly, confusion colored her gaze.
He’ll wait forever…
The words strangled me as I tried to suck in a breath, tried to stifle the sob building in my throat. The panic seized my lungs.
“Melissa?” The alarm in Kelly’s tone made it difficult to hang on to the thin seams that held me together. “Breathe.”
“I-I’m…”
She reached across the table for my hand, but I pulled it back. A shuddered breath pushed through my lips as I exhaled, and her usual kind eyes had clouded with fear.
“Breathe... Mel. What’s wrong?”
“He’ll wait forever,” I choked out.
“Who? Melissa, who are you talking about… Kieran?” She was talking slowly like you would to a person ready to jump off a bridge. Maybe I was.
Maybe it was exhaustion or maybe all my lies had finally drowned me. Guilt was a sharp weapon and it had been slowly cutting me open since our first kiss. How would he feel if he’d known where my mouth had been? How would he like it if he knew I’d danced naked for money? What would he say when he found out I used to snort pills, inject poison into my veins? Would he wait forever then? Would he look at me with those bright blue eyes with such value then?
I was trash, and I’d polluted him. I’d made him filthy with my fingers and lips and he had no idea. None.
Nausea crawled up my throat.
“I’m a liar,” I whispered on a sob.
She looked down at my phone and then back at me.
“Did you just lie to Kieran or something?” she asked.
I needed to calm down, but just saying those words out loud, “I’m a liar”, eased the pain pressing down on my shoulders. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted her to look at me with anger, and hate, and tell me how disgusting I was. I wanted to give her the burden so Kieran wouldn’t have to ever bear it.
“I’ve lied to him, to you... about everything.”
Kelly’s shoulders straightened. “You’re not making any sense.”
“Listen.” I sucked in a breath of courage. “I needed this job, Kelly. I needed to get the hell away from The Western.”
“I know. Liam told me it was a strip club.” She relaxed. “You know I would never give a shit about—”
“I used to be a stripper. Not just a bartender. I used to be a lot of things.” My eyes fell to the table. “Kelly, I’m so afraid of who I used to be. I’m afraid every time I look at Kieran, at you, the timer will tick its last fucking second and everything around me will go up in flames.”
“Mel, I know what it’s like to pretend to be someone you’re not. To hide inside yourself. It almost killed me. You have to know I’d never judge you. Who cares that you used to be a stripper?” She laughed and it caught me off guard. I raised my gaze to find her smiling. “You’re hot, I’d pay to see that.”
I couldn’t smile. She didn’t know. I was in the confessional again, but today the church was a bar and the priest was Kelly O’Connell.
“There’s so much more, and I like the life I have now. I know I’m strong enough to survive my past, but I’m terrified of losing him, of losing you.” Kelly’s smile dimmed. “I ran away from home when I was sixteen with my boyfriend. We got into a shit-ton of trouble, started using drugs. My parents tried hard to get me to come home, but I was gone. Their little girl was giving out back-seat blowjobs for cash because her boyfriend needed more money, more drugs. I’d get high in order to do it, and I wanted him to be happy.”
Kelly’s glassy eyes found mine as she said, “Mel, I—”
“I hated myself, but I thought I loved him. Chance… that was his name.” I swallowed the sick taste on my tongue. I had to keep going, I couldn’t stop, she had to know. I needed her to judge me, to tell me I was awful, and I never deserved anyone as good as Kieran. “He overdosed over seven years ago, and after he died, I got a job at The Western stripping because I had no idea what else t
o do. I was lost without him, sick from coming off the drugs too fast. Jaime, the owner, he wanted to help me, and he tried, fuck, he really did, but I had to get high in order to dance so the cycle started all over again.”
“How did you quit?” she asked in a shaky whisper.
The light over the table illuminated her face. It was pale and scared, and her eyes dripped pity down her cheeks.
“I overdosed five years ago. I used to rent the backroom at the bar, it was all I could afford. Jaime found me there, on the floor, unresponsive. My parents came to the hospital, offered to pay for my rehab. I was so tired, so dead inside, and seeing them again, they didn’t hate me, you know, and I wanted to be well… at first for them, but now for me.”
I wiped the few tears that had spilled down my cheeks with my fingers. The ache in my chest was still there, those ghosts still haunted my heart, but when I found Kelly’s eyes again they were… patient. She was crying, but not angry. She was looking at me like Maria had that day in the hospital when I’d woken up. She was looking at me with understanding—with love.
My lips started to tremble. “I-I…I’m sorry.”
Kelly sniffled and wiped at her eyes. “I don’t need an apology.” She was incredulous. “You’ve been through so much, Mel, and do I wish you would’ve told me? Sure. I wish I could’ve been there for you sooner. I’m your friend and it sounds like you haven’t had many of those. I know that if I’d opened up more when I lived in L.A. I probably never would’ve stayed because a friend would have dragged my ass back to Liam.” Her kind smile was my undoing. I’d unloaded on her, showed her the evil that lived inside me. “Don’t look at me like that.”
I cleared my throat. “Like… what?”
“Like you think I’m about to freak out. I’d never judge you, and neither would Kieran. Those guys have been through a lot, too. He cares about you, more than I think he’s ready to admit…” My stomach bottomed out. He cared about a stranger, not me. “You can’t live your life hiding from real happiness, Mel.” She absently traced the long scar on her face with her fingertips. “It’ll kill you. You’ve been clean a long time, don’t fuck it up because you’re afraid of what people think. I’d be a jerk if I didn’t care about you as a friend because you had a shady past, and if Kieran dumps you because of it, he’s an asshole. No one is perfect, Mel. No. One.”
She was making sense, but I’d spent over five years hiding. I’d spent so long thinking of myself as a dirty secret that the thought had become just another habit I’d have to learn to break.
A few more tears rolled down my cheeks as my breathing found its normal rhythm. “I’m scared.”
I’d let it happen, but Kieran had become too important. In a little over a month, I’d opened my heart more than I had in all those years with Chance. I’d only ever been a commodity to him.
Kelly reached for my hand, and I let her run her fingers over the top of my knuckles. “My father was a drunk who ruined my mother’s life, and almost ruined mine. I know how addiction can destroy everything that is beautiful, but you beat it. Hell, you annihilated it. You deserve to be happy. And Kieran deserves the truth.” She offered me a small smile and withdrew her hand.
“Please, don’t tell him anything.”
“I wouldn’t. That’s your story to tell, but you need to tell it.” She exhaled a long breath. “He’s my brother, and I love him. I don’t want to see him get hurt, and the longer you go without saying anything… a lie by omission is still a lie. And a little advice, the O’Connell boys don’t forgive easy.”
The brick in my stomach weighted me down, pinned my spine to the back of the booth. I’d already lied so much already.
“Thank you,” I said around the growing lump in my throat and tore my napkin with my still-shaking fingers.
“For what? Listening? Melissa…What are friends for?” Her smile was broad and warm, and I was fucking grateful for it.
I wished I could’ve told her about Jordan, but there were some things I liked to keep just for me. Giving Jordan life was one of the best things I’d ever have the privilege of doing, but he wasn’t mine, and telling his story felt like bragging for something I’d cheated at.
Kelly let her eyes fall to my phone again before she picked up another fry and said, “Tell him, Melissa. He’ll understand.”
“I’ll tell him.”
The devil inside me beamed. He heard the false waver of my lips. I’d tell Kieran. I just had to find the courage, and time was not on my side.
“She won’t kill you, she’ll creep you, and talk you in to dying.”
Hayley Stumbo~
It no longer shocked me. The way time stopped when she walked into a room. The way her eyes, dark with secrets, brightened when they found mine. She was standing in my bedroom doorway with a soft, white cotton towel surrounding her. Her hair was wet and heavy, her cheeks a deep red from her recent shower. Her eyes, as always, hidden until she’d grant me the privilege of looking inside them.
It almost felt as if I was dreaming watching her walk across my room from where I rested on my bed. She let the towel fall to the carpet, her smile no longer shy, our nakedness had become natural. It was ritual, and I felt blessed every time I caught a glimpse. It had only been two months and one day since I’d officially met Melissa at Liam’s Halloween party, but those numbers were written out in letters that spelled always, and love, and if it was too soon then my heart was a liar. Today was the first day of the New Year, and I had no reservations about how I wanted the next three hundred and sixty-four days to belong to her. And if I was lucky, maybe I’d lose count and we’d end up tumbling through time until all we ever knew were memories of us.
I’d fallen in love with Melissa.
I loved how her lips made me careless, and how her smile became my morning and night, and how touching her was like breathing, easy, and life giving. I loved her laugh, and the way she quirked her brow whenever she thought someone was full of shit. I loved how she twitched in her sleep when she was having nightmares, and how, when I wrapped my arms around her, the twitching stopped. I loved how she spent more time in my apartment than in hers, and how she cooked for me whenever she could. I loved watching her thrive at Irene’s, and how parts of her reminded me that God was real and working through our hands daily. But mostly, I loved that I still had more to learn, more to discover about who she was, or could become, and I wanted it, wanted her for as long as I could have her. I just wasn’t sure how ready she was and that vulnerability was the only thing keeping those three words silent.
Melissa’s lips pulled slowly across her face as she knelt onto the bed. “You’re so tempting, all tangled in sheets… like a present all gift wrapped,” she said as she crawled up my body and fed me with a hungry kiss.
My hands explored the rise and curve of her ass as I glided my fingertips along her hot skin. The heat of the water still lingered all the way along her spine and even in her hair as I pulled her closer.
She smiled against my mouth before dipping her lips to my neck and whispering into my ear, “We’re going to be late.”
“I don’t care.”
That wasn’t entirely true. I was meeting her parents today for the first time.
She laughed as she straddled my thighs. “I’m going to text my sister and tell her we’re not coming,” she said with a smirk as her hand skimmed down the ridges of my stomach. When I didn’t immediately object, she let her fingers fall lower. Her smile was triumphant. “I’d rather stay here, with you…” She leaned over me again and placed her lips to mine, then my jaw, and when she found my ear she spoke again, and the feel of her breath on my skin made it difficult to remember what the hell we were even discussing in the first place. “We’ve been in bed all day, let’s stay that way until tomorrow.”
My palms framed her face as I drew her in for another deep kiss. My hard chest was pressed against the satin flesh of her breasts. Every part of my body was awake and wild, and the fresh mint taste of her tongue
, the way she teased me with her teeth on my lips would’ve normally persuaded me to never leave this room, but knowing her, seeing Melissa and where she came from was better than the promise of sex.
I eased my lips from hers. “I want to meet your parents. Your family… I want you, Mel, all of it.” Melissa’s gaze left mine cold as she sat up, her eyes dropping to the crucifix on my chest. “What are you afraid of?”
She traced her fingertips along the ink, mapping out the cross and then the beads of the rosary. I’d learned to be patient with her. Everything good takes time. I waited twenty-seven years to find her, I could handle a few seconds for her to gather her thoughts.
She blew out a breath and met my stare head on. “What if…” she stuttered on a sigh. “What if… Kieran, what if all of it isn’t good enough.” She swallowed and let her eyes fall shut. “What if you don’t like what you see?”
I grazed my thumb across the arc of her cheek. “I already love what I see.” Her eyes opened. Fear and doubt shaded the brown of her irises as she shook her head. “I do. You don’t see yourself like I do. ”
I sat up and lifted her chin. Her lashes were wet, and I was so confused. Whenever I got too close, she’d pull away. She’d say shit like this, all the negative she carried around never added up. Mel was a brave woman. She’d lost her ex-boyfriend to drugs, but was able to pull through it, start over. She worked hard. Hell, she worked harder than anyone at Irene’s, maybe sometimes even harder than Kelly. She connected with those women. Helped them beyond a simple serving of a meal, or fresh linens. She’d stay late talking to the young mothers, to lend a hand in the kitchen, and worked extra hours so Kelly could have more time figuring out the counseling services she wanted to get up and running.
Melissa had even skipped having Christmas dinner with my family and with hers so she could help wrap presents for the kids at the shelter. She was charity, and beauty, and she’d become so much more to me than I ever thought possible.
“Mel, when I look at you… all I see is this beautiful strength. And it suits you.” She rested her forehead against mine and I cradled the back of her head. “Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see how fucking special you are?” Her body shuddered and when she raised her head, her red-rimmed eyes gutted me. I’d pushed her too much. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—”
Poet (Avenues Ink Series Book 3) Page 22
