by Xana Jordan
Noel stands from the fridge to approach my side as we listen to Stace end the phone call, only to remain as still as stone in her chair. She has a far off expression that unnerves me, so I attempt to get her attention.
“Stace, babe, who was on the phone?” Nothing. I try again, taking her hand, “Who were you talking to?”
My touch seems to snap her out of whatever she was thinking about and she reaches for her keys. Shakily, she tries to stand from the stool, but I take her by the forearms to stop her movement. Snapping to face me, she says, “I have to go. I have to go now.” She resumes her attempt to exit the kitchen but I refuse to let go of her.
Noel moves around the counter to stand behind her, watching for my lead on what to do next. Her entire body is now completely still, her face expressionless. I know from experience that this is not a good sign. I look from Noel to her phone on the counter, urging him to see who had called her. Granny he mouths over her shoulder and I know at that instant that something bad must have happened.
“What did your Grannysay, Stace? What happened.” Whatever it is, it can’t be good.
“My mother...she’s...hospital. I have to go.” Once again, she tries to leave, moving on autopilot.
“Hey, you’re not driving anywhere like this, you hear me?” I inform her, “Let me get my things and I’ll drive you.” I move her back to the stool, then share a look with Noel. “Don’t let her leave,” I bark at him, unable to keep my voice calm. He simply nods, then sits beside her while I grab my shoes and keys as fast as I can. She looks so damn lost it breaks my heart. What the hell is going on?
She doesn’t speak the entire drive to the hospital in El Dorado, and I’m beginning to worry. I can’t even imagine what’s running through her mind right now, thinking about the woman she hasn’t seen since she was five years old. The woman who up and left her and never looked back. I know part of her longs to be close to her mom, Tina, but to face her like this after all these years is more than any of us could have ever expected. It must be doing a real number on her head.
Pulling into the parking lot, she waits for me to open her door and walk with her inside, clinging to me like a life raft that’s keeping her afloat. Her death grip on my hand and arm is the only sign I have that she hasn’t checked out on me.
Following the info Granny gave me when I called her back, we head for the second floor and find her papaw sitting in the waiting room for us. As soon as she catches sight of him, she flings her body onto his. He wraps her in a light hug, eyeing me over her head. Acknowledging me with a nod I return, he takes a step back before tilting her chin to look at him.
“What’s happening? Why is she here?” Urging us over to sit on the sofa, he takes her hands and studies them a bit before speaking, his thumb rubbing back and forth over her knuckles.
“You know your mother has always had a problem with drugs and alcohol,” he begins, eliciting a nod from her before he continues. “She’s in bad shape right now because of it. She was in a car accident not far from town, not a major one, but with the state she was already in, the doctors don’t expect her to survive much longer.”
We both wait, for what seems like an eternity, for Stacy to give some sort of response, but get none. I take her hand in mine to offer my support and she doesn’t fight my hold.
Hesitant to continue, Sue says, “We don’t expect you to go in there and see her if you don’t want to, but felt you had the right to choose for yourself,” he pauses, “I’ll go let your granny know you’re here.”
Sitting in silence, I pull her to my side and embrace her firmly to reassure her I’m here. She leans her head on my shoulder and I can feel her body trembling slightly. “What do you think, babe? Stay or go?” There’s a long period of silence before she finds any words to say.
“I don’t know,” she admits, her voice speaking in defeat and despair. I’m just about to speak when Granny appears in the waiting room, sitting in the spot Henry vacated. She pats my girl’s knee and studies her face.
“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, honey. It’s been so long since you two’ve even seen each other. I know this must be quite the shock.” Stacy stiffens, just a bit, and I can see anger mixed in with the pain in her eyes.
“Shock? That’s an understatement! Why the hell is she here? What does she want from me?” she nearly shouts, causing the desk nurse to come over to see if we’re alright. When we don’t need her for anything, insisting we’re just fine, she returns to her station, and we continue our conversation.
“She doesn’t want a thing, honey. She hasn’t really been conscious since we’ve been here. I just...I just didn’t want you to miss the opportunity to see her if you wanted. We couldn’t take that choice away from you.” Silence. Lots of silence.
“I don’t know what I want,” she says, reverting to that same flat tone she had at the house.
“Cade, why don’t you and Stacy go down to the cafeteria to get something to drink for a bit. Papaw and I will be right here if you decide to come back,” she tells me, running a hand over Stace’s hair in comfort. They share an emotional look and Granny says, “Whatever you decide is alright with us, no judgement. We love you, baby girl.” After a brief hug, she leaves us alone, returning to her daughter’s room, and we slowly make our way downstairs.
Cade sits me down at a table in the corner of the cafeteria before leaving to get us a drink. Even though it’s lunch time, there aren’t many people down here. Looking around the room, I think over everything that’s happened since I answered Granny’s call. The call that tossed my world about like uprooted trees during a tornado.
The woman who gave birth to me is in this hospital. A woman I haven’t seen or heard from since I was almost too young to remember is suddenly back in my life, for who knows how long, because she’s about to die. How does a child, who was abandoned like I was, handle something like this? Is there a handbook I can buy somewhere because I don’t have the slightest clue about how I should react, much less feel right now.
“Here’s some water,” he says as he slides the bottle in front of me and takes a seat beside me.
“Thanks,” is all I say in reply, lean into his side when he wraps his arm around my shoulders.
Kissing my temple gently, he whispers, “Let it all out, babe. I’ve got you.” That’s all it takes for me to break.
In no time I’m sobbing into his chest, all of my emotions catching up to me. He constantly rubs my back, murmuring soothing words into my hair about how strong I am, how things will be just fine, and just how much he loves me, until I am able to speak through my remaining tears.
“I don’t know what to do, what to feel. What do I even say to her? She left me! Wasn’t I good enough for her? Was it so hard to love me that she had to leave?” Burying my face in his shirt from embarrassment of my verbal diarrhea, I cling to him in hopes I’ll soon wake up from this awful dream I seem trapped in.
“Stop right now!” he warns in a low growl that catches me off guard, so much I jerk my head away to look at the upset expression on his face. “From what I’ve heard and figured out, your sorry excuse for a mother had issues of her own she couldn’t face and refused the help your grandparents offered. She left because she was a weak, self-centered woman who was too absorbed in her own problems to care about anyone else. You. Did. Nothing!”
He cups my tear streaked face in his large, rough hands and forces me to see him. “How do you,” I begin but he stops my attempt to protest.
“I’m pretty observant when I want to be. When it concerns you. No, you haven’t really talked about your parents, but over the years, I’ve heard bits and pieces, enough to draw my own conclusions. Everyone of them has NOTHING to do with you or anything you could have done. Do you understand me?”
Nodding my head in his hands, I sniffle and, knowing he needs the words, say, “I hear you.”
“Now, if you want to go in and see her, just to see her, I’ll go with you. If you want to try and
talk to her, I’ll be there with you. If you want to walk right out of here and never look back, I’ll hold your hand while I drive like a bat of hell to get you away from this damn hospital,” he promises me, leaving me even more emotional than I already was. He really will do anything to protect me.
Overcome with emotion, I fling my arms around his neck and say, “You’re too good to me, Cade Matthews,” embracing him so tightly he starts to have trouble breathing.
“That may be true, but I love all of you regardless.”
Pulling away, I smack him on the shoulder and cough out a laugh. “You jerk. Always spoiling our moment,” I scold as he wipes my stray tears with his warm fingers.
“There’s the smile I was waiting for. Feel better getting it all out?” Leaning my forehead to his, I take a deep breath and inhale all the scent that makes up Cade, musky, yet clean and comforting, and let it calm the rest of my frayed nerves.
“Yeah, my mind’s still spinning, but I feel a little better How do you always know what I need?” I run my fingers through the hair on his nape and look into his brown eyes.
“Because I know the Stacy that hides from everyone. She kinda has the hots for me, ya know?” he teases, that smug smirk emerging on his sexy face.
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, but I have the hots for her, too, so we’re both in luck, the way I see it.” He rubs his nose along mine, placing a light kiss on my still wet lips.
“I guess we are.” Sighing, I pull away to stand from my chair, grabbing the unopened water bottle.
“I’m ready. Let’s get this over with and get out of here before I chicken out.” He takes my hand when he pushes his own chair under the table before leading me back to the second floor, never once removing my hand from his.
My birth mother - let’s face it, Granny is my real mom, in every way that counts - lying in the hospital bed doesn’t affect me the way I thought it would. She looks nothing like I remembered her, her hair matted and unkempt, eyes sunken in, and her checks recessed more than what is normal, giving her a skeletal appearance. She almost doesn’t look real. How can she still be alive looking that way and having so many tubes coming from her body.
Standing at the foot of her bed, Cade’s arms around my waist, I listen to the doctor going over her condition with us, trying in vain to sound like there’s a shred of hope she could recover. We know better, though. She isn’t coming back from this at all. It just isn’t a possibility for her, and we’ve accepted it, even Granny and Papaw.
After the doctor leaves, Cade excuses himself to the connecting bathroom and Papaw moves next to me, pulling me into a hug. “You doin’ alright, baby girl?” Granny makes her way to my other side to hug me as well.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be fine.” Leaning my head on his shoulder, I glance back at her lying in the bed, seemingly lifeless and empty, except for the beeps of the machines she’s connected to that tell us she is indeed still alive. For now.
“I know she’s supposed to be my mother, but the best thing she ever did was give me up to two of the most amazing parents I could’ve ever hoped for.” They hug me a little closer, and I can see tears forming in their eyes.
“Oh, Stacy,” Granny says, her voice shaky with her own tears.
“Well, it’s true. You two are my parents, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“We love you, too, baby girl. More than you know,” Papaw rumbles, his voice betraying the deep feelings he has.
Cade comes back to find us all teary and is immediately concerned. “Did something happen? Are you alright? What can I do?” he fires off questions faster than we can have a chance to correct him.
Granny moves over to sit beside the bed, and Papaw grabs onto his shoulder. “Everyone’s just fine, Son, but you can take our girl here home and get her settled. We appreciate you getting her here safely.”
Cade pulls my back to his front,wraps his arms around my middle and says, “No thanks needed. I’ve always got her.” He looks Papaw square in the eyes and never falters his gaze. They seem to exchange some sort of silent conversation before Papaw nods slightly and walks to sit with Gran.
My guy pulls me toward the door and leads me back to the pickup where he helps buckle me in. “I can buckle it by myself,” I tease, but he doesn’t acknowledge it, simply closing my door and getting in on his side.
Putting the key in the ignition, he starts the truck. Choosing to let him be for the time being, I stare out the window, letting my mind wander over everything that’s happened in the past four hours while I try to process it all. Oddly, I’m more settled now than I have ever been when it comes to my relationship with Tina. There isn’t one.
I was so little when she left, there aren’t many things I can even recall about her. If it weren’t for the pictures my grandparents keep around the house, I probably wouldn’t know what she looks like - what she used to look like - because the woman in that bed looks nothing like the girl in those pictures. Do I want her to be so ill she’s going to die? No. Do I wish she would suffer because she abandoned me? No. But, am I terribly devastated that she’ll soon be gone from our lives permanently? No. When she was never there for me at all, how could I be?
Cade pulling the truck to a stop in front of Hong’s Chinese Buffet snaps me out of my emotional haze. “What are we doing here?”
Twisting in his seat to finally look at me, he says, “It’s a little late, but we’re having lunch. You need to eat something, and so do I before I head back for work.” He brushes my blonde hair to my back and soothes my cheek with his thumb.
“I guess it has gotten a bit late.” I reply, not knowing what else to say, and a touch sorry he’s had to go through this with me.
“A bit. You feel up to dining in, or should I get it to go?”
“Would you mind if we just get something to go? I just don’t want to be around people right now.”
“Of course not. I’ll just call in our order and we can wait here until it’s ready, okay?”
I nod in agreement, unbuckling my seatbelt to scoot over and sit closer to him, while he places our usual order. I watch him as he talks to the woman who answered, and can’t help but be awed by the man in front of me. He’s no longer the high school boy I was fascinated by then. He’s so much more. Cade Matthews is becoming the man I’ve come to depend on, even when I don’t realize it.
“Twenty minutes,” he says after the call has ended. He envelops me in a warm embrace, my back to his front, as much as physically possible considering the steering wheel hinders his movement, and kisses the top of my head, before resting his head on mine.
“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“Nothing. Everything.” I allow myself to relax into his hold and close my eyes. “Why did this have to happen now, Cade? It’s been fifteen years.”
“I know, but it’s not like she showed up here willingly,” he reasons, hands idly rubbing along my arms.
“True, but...why was she close to home? Better yet, if she was this close, why’d she never reach out to us? To me?”
“Who knows what she’s been thinking, Drugged up, buzzed brain cells don’t exactly think very rationally.”
Sighing, I admit he’s right. “Maybe, but I hate seeing Granny and Papaw getting so upset over her condition. She’s done nothing but break their hearts, repeatedly, only calling whenever she needs something. Even that has been practically non-existent for the last ten years.”
“There’s no sense in trying to figure it out now. You just move on, accepting that there are no real answers to this one, and remember who really loves you.”
He holds me securely in his arms, his cheek pressed to mine, and I let him comfort me, taking away all the stress of the day, as we sit in the quiet of his truck, just the two of us and nothing else.
“Do you want me to take you back to the hospital?” I ask, hoping she will take me up on the offer because I’m not quite sure I should leave her alone just yet.
“It’s no problem and you know it. I’ll just drive it back tonight after ball and you can take it back in the morning. Problem solved, so quit fighting me.” Pulling her into my chest I lick my way across her lips, coaxing her to open up so my tongue can explore her mouth, our teeth clashing as our kiss deepens. I love the taste of her mouth, and this is a sure-fire way to help her relax and stop resisting how I take care of her. It’s taken a long time to get her to this point, her stubbornness always getting the best of her.
Ending the kiss, I encircle her face in my hands, letting my eyes roam over her beautiful, slightly dazed face, cataloguing every delicate feature to memory. Shit, I’m completely owned by her. Every. Single. Part.
“Call, Xan, she’s probably flippin’ out by now, ‘cause I’m certain Noel’s told her everything,” I remind her, making her giggle lightly.
“Yeah, she’s already called twice, and texted three times as much. She’s such a worrier,” she shakes her head, smiling fondly.
“You know you’re just as bad when it comes to her, too. Sometimes, I’d swear you two really do have the same DNA.” This makes her smile more and that makes me happy.
“We do act like that, don’t we? Could you imagine that? I don’t think you guys would be able to survive us, especially Mike. Oh my coconuts, that would be EPIC!” She laughs uncontrollably and I join her. It is hilarious. The two of them together would kill Mike, or Micah, as they call him by his full name when he’s pressed his luck a little too far.
“I’d actually pay to see that. I’m not around him a lot, but when I am, he’s always so uptight, he could use a good loosening up.”
“That’s sooo true! We may have to do that sometime soon,” she adds, her laughter quieting down a tad.
